Monday

Hello again my friends, I hope this Monday finds you well. We are moving closer to Christmas and then New Years I would love to say I am excited about this but in all honesty it is just not that big of a deal to me. These last two years the holiday season has just kind of blended together in a lump and have not been either the most satisfying or the most fun. Not that they have to be and apart from a few peaks during time spent with friends it has been overall a pretty bleak couple of years. One benefit is that at least at this point I can only hope things began to get better.

I have made some new friends in this last year and gotten re-acquainted with some old friends and that has been a good thing. But this is really not where I expected to be at 41 years old. "Ouch" I know it shouldn't hurt me to write that down but it does. I think I had some unspoken expectations about what it would mean and look like to be 41 and I am certainly not meeting them. I realize that this isn't the end of the world it is just the reality of what I am dealing with. I am fully aware that things could be far worse.

That being said. One of the things that I do miss most of all is riding the train on a daily basis. I wish I had the money to just get up in the morning and drive to Wilsonville and hop on the train and ride it back and forth. I really used to enjoy the time I spent both riding the train and writing on it. I am really hoping for a job that will allow me some of that again. I think it was good time well spent and better time then sitting in my car on 217 that is for sure.

It has been an odd experience being unemployed for this long. I wish I could be more productive in terms of my writing but it is hard to motivate myself to be angry about things or feel that excited or upset. I think part of my defense mechanism so I do not freak out about money getting tighter is to not allow myself to feel super emotional about anything and keep myself locked down which we all now is not a healthy way to live and not how I have ever lived my life. There are some pretty important things going on in the world politically right now and I just am unable to bring myself to be excited about them. Oh sure, there is a feeling in the back of my mind that I really should care about that and that this is a big deal but I just do not feel the urge to be either righteously indignant or really happy about it.

I know there are people who think that I am depressed and I should go visit someone but that is not an option right now. I hope that one day it will be and perhaps I can continue to use this blog as a way to process some of what I am feeling but also I am not sure if this is the correct forum for such a thing as well. Talk to you later folks.