Put on that Smiling Face....

I try to be honest with people. I really do. I think most people would say that I am an honest person and will answer questions truthfully but I still find myself falling back into a reflexive "I'm good" when people ask "How are you doing?" But more often then not I am not doing "good" or "well" depending upon your level of grammar Nazi.

I don't intend to lie. But it is so much easier to just say the reflexive answer rather then have to have a big long conversation about why I am not feeling well. To do so just seems so exhausting.

Both Sides Now - Judy Collins

I was watching a documentary about the "Grateful Dead" today and the man who had written Ripple (Robert Hunter) said this while talking about when he wrote that song and several other very transcendent songs.

"Would those days but come again. Oh they will, they will. But not for me" 

That really resonated with me on several levels. On a personal level, what is done is done and what is past is past and while there may always be a twinge of nostalgia for those things I have be honest and realize that they will never come back again and I can't relive them even if I wanted to. I guess it is all on a personal level but the quote made me think about Eric and that he is gone. Those days will not come again and my life goes on whether I like it or not. The world continues to spin and people continue to function and move forward even I do not feel like I can move forward. Because it often does seem a little bit pointless and I feel like I have to fabricate a reason to take those steps forward and to continue to function in some way.

Ripple - Grateful Dead

Also my back hurts today and that seems to have upped my crankiness and made everything seem oh so overly dramatic. Ugh

Music To Mourn By

Today has been an interesting day. I decided that since it was Memorial Day I was going to listen to some music that I knew Eric enjoyed. He and I had a lot of similar tastes in music but we also split off a little bit and in the process of doing this I found myself being introduced to two artists that I had never really given much of a lengthy listen too before and it isn't like I was not aware of them I just hadn't bothered to give them a listen. The two artists are Tom Waits and Leonard Cohen. I actually feel kind of bad that I hadn't really listened to them before but I am going to do my best to make up for lost time and I am going to drag you along with me. I hope you enjoy the journey.

Leonard Cohen - Chelsea Hotel #2

A love of music was something that Eric and I shared, we went to a few concerts and shows together over the years but for me the one that stands out was a trip up to the Crystal Ballroom to see Flogging Molly. I remember we met up with my friend Travis in the downstairs bar and then headed up to see the show. I think at this point it was probably the third time that I had seen them but the first time I had seen them with Eric. Well the show started and pit started hopping and Eric just disappeared on me. I figured he would turn up afterwards. We were both adults and I had no doubts that he could fend for himself in the pit.

Leonard Cohen - Iodine

Well the show ended and I was kind of waiting on the outskirts of the crowd as people began to leave. Travis and I were chatting when we saw him. He stumbled out of the center area, wearing just his wife-beater tank top and had easily the biggest grin I had ever seen on his face, let alone anyone's. He was just covered in sweat and grinning like a maniac and psyched as hell about going to the show and living large in that pit the whole time. It was so amazing to see him looking so excited about the experience. That is a memory that I treasure.

Tom Waits - Blue Valentines

There was a time when Eric's sister (Nicole) and I were newly married and Eric was living in our basement. I had a pc and Eric had an Apple laptop and we were all networked up and I used to routinely check out his Itunes library  and I always enjoyed browsing through his collection and either mocking or praising his choices depending on whatever arbitrary criteria that I had put together. I don't think I ever actually disliked his music I just felt like I had to tease him about it.

Tom Waits - Telephone Call From Istanbul

I really loved having him living with us. I can't think of a time when he was a bother and I always just enjoyed hanging out with him. I would have guys over to play poker in the garage and he would join us every now and then but he really wasn't very good at cards so that didn't happen very often. There was a time after one of my birthdays when I had decided that I wanted to smoke cigars and drink some scotch and I wanted Eric to join me. So late one evening he and I and Nicole repaired to the garage to do just that. There was a time when I had the cigar band saved but I am not sure if I still do and I can't remember what brands they were either or the brand of scotch for that matter.

Tom Waits - Misery is the River of the World

So we poured the scotch and lit up the cigars and began to drink and puff away. Well I don't know what caused it but my head started to spin and my face got really warm and the next thing I remember was being bent over in the driveway and puking it all up. All the while Eric stood there smoking and drinking and laughing at me. I believe in between the laughter there was some sympathy but it was hard to tell at the time.

Leonard Cohen - Who By Fire

I was the best man at Eric and Devyn's wedding and I have never been more honored to stand up for a friend before. Their ceremony was beautiful and really the whole weekend was a great experience and one that I will always treasure. At the end of the ceremony they released some live butterflies from a box and as they fluttered away I remember thinking that it was one of the coolest things that I had ever seen. I truly love Eric and Devyn both and I was so happy to be a part of their ceremony.

I will continue to miss and to remember you brother and my hope is that I go I am as well liked and remembered as you so obviously were. I love you brother.