Today is the day after your memorial service. I woke up with some hope, some hope that I would feel better today. Hope that I would not feel numb inside. Hope that my heart wouldn't hurt so much for your sister and your wife and your parents and friends and for myself. For all of the people that you left behind to try to pick up the pieces. To try to understand the whys and still knowing that there really was no way for us to understand what it was that was driving you. That drove you too leave us.
.
And you know what? It worked for awhile. I did feel a little bit better. The sun helped. Being around some friends helped, texting Devyn helped. But then I went for a drive in my van. The van you liked but never got to actually ride in. I decided to smoke my pipe and listen to a little Ben Folds. I thought you would have approved of that. But as I drove it hit me, you were really gone and all of the platitudes and will meaning words were not going to be bringing you back. This wasn't some trip up the coast to go rock climbing and surfing and then you would return to us. You were good and truly gone. It is hard for me to drive when I am crying but sadly I seem to be getting better at it since you left. I miss you so much brother, and I hurt so much for Devyn and the rest of your family that most of the time I truly do not know what to do with myself. I just hope that wherever you are, that the clouds have lifted for you and you can spend your days creating art and building things with your hands and knowing exactly how talented and skilled you were. Despite what it said in Fight Club...You Were God's Precious Little Snowflake. You Were Unique.
Maybe that is why you had to leave us early, you were just too precious and special to last in this fucked up world and it broke you. I miss you and I just keep hoping that this pain will fade to a dull ache soon. Hoping...hoping...hoping...
And you know what? It worked for awhile. I did feel a little bit better. The sun helped. Being around some friends helped, texting Devyn helped. But then I went for a drive in my van. The van you liked but never got to actually ride in. I decided to smoke my pipe and listen to a little Ben Folds. I thought you would have approved of that. But as I drove it hit me, you were really gone and all of the platitudes and will meaning words were not going to be bringing you back. This wasn't some trip up the coast to go rock climbing and surfing and then you would return to us. You were good and truly gone. It is hard for me to drive when I am crying but sadly I seem to be getting better at it since you left. I miss you so much brother, and I hurt so much for Devyn and the rest of your family that most of the time I truly do not know what to do with myself. I just hope that wherever you are, that the clouds have lifted for you and you can spend your days creating art and building things with your hands and knowing exactly how talented and skilled you were. Despite what it said in Fight Club...You Were God's Precious Little Snowflake. You Were Unique.
Maybe that is why you had to leave us early, you were just too precious and special to last in this fucked up world and it broke you. I miss you and I just keep hoping that this pain will fade to a dull ache soon. Hoping...hoping...hoping...
2 comments:
Man, my heart is broken... Hang in there...
Well and truly said. Thank you so much for caring so deeply. . . and for being able to put into words that which the rest of us can't.
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