Put on that Smiling Face....

I try to be honest with people. I really do. I think most people would say that I am an honest person and will answer questions truthfully but I still find myself falling back into a reflexive "I'm good" when people ask "How are you doing?" But more often then not I am not doing "good" or "well" depending upon your level of grammar Nazi.

I don't intend to lie. But it is so much easier to just say the reflexive answer rather then have to have a big long conversation about why I am not feeling well. To do so just seems so exhausting.

Both Sides Now - Judy Collins

I was watching a documentary about the "Grateful Dead" today and the man who had written Ripple (Robert Hunter) said this while talking about when he wrote that song and several other very transcendent songs.

"Would those days but come again. Oh they will, they will. But not for me" 

That really resonated with me on several levels. On a personal level, what is done is done and what is past is past and while there may always be a twinge of nostalgia for those things I have be honest and realize that they will never come back again and I can't relive them even if I wanted to. I guess it is all on a personal level but the quote made me think about Eric and that he is gone. Those days will not come again and my life goes on whether I like it or not. The world continues to spin and people continue to function and move forward even I do not feel like I can move forward. Because it often does seem a little bit pointless and I feel like I have to fabricate a reason to take those steps forward and to continue to function in some way.

Ripple - Grateful Dead

Also my back hurts today and that seems to have upped my crankiness and made everything seem oh so overly dramatic. Ugh

Feelings....

kind of suck and yet I know that if I did not have the feelings that I do and live like I do with my heart on the outside of my body I would not like who I am. I like who I am for the most part. I like that I am compassionate and that I care about others and that for the most part people like me. But there are times when the emotions are overwhelming the careful controls and locks that I have put in place and those are the times where I think it sure would be nice to have a break now and then from being Mr. Emotional.

Lonely Days - The Bee Gees

But I also know at my core that I would not be happy if I did not have access to my emotions. I think that my level of empathy is high because of my emotions and that allows me to connect with people on a deeper level then I would be able to otherwise and I am glad for that connectedness with my friends. I crave and treasure the deeper more intimate relationships that I have with those people that I can be emotionally transparent with and I think that it is a two way street. At least I hope it is.

White Moon - The White Stripes

If it isn't I suppose I owe some people some apologies for their putting up with me over the years. But I really don't think that is something that I have to worry about.

Defy You - The Offspring

I miss you Eric. You were a good friend to me and were very much like another brother to me. The void that you have left is far deeper and far harder to fill then I thought it would be. I get moments of forgetfulness and things seem okay but the memories always come back. They come back when a friend asks me about "Fight Club" or when I go to eat breakfast at Josey's  restaurant in Salem that was a favorite of Eric and myself.

We used to communicate a lot over Instagram and one of the last things that he said to me when I posted I was at Josey's and said that I wished he was with me. He said "Totally! Love that place!"  I went their for breakfast this week and while the food was good it just wasn't the same at all.

Boxing - Ben Folds

I wonder if I ever will get used to things not being the same at all? Will that be my new normal? Is that even a functional thing? To walk around pretending to be normal but knowing that inside nothing is normal and never will be? How do I, how do most of us function with that? Late night thoughts of the mournful insomniac. Thank you for bearing with me.

Both Sides Now - Judy Collins

The Madness of Mad Men

It is hard for me to put into words how much some television shows affect me. I have always been prone to emotional reactions to television and movies and music and rainbows and the wind blowing and rain and dogs and cats and really doing anything. But that is not what we are going to be talking about right now. We are going to be talking about how the television show Mad Men rips me open and leaves me broken and bleeding on the floor. It has at time left me giddy with laughter and left me speechless in astonishment or sick with dread and it has left me weeping. The season finale of last night did just that. The image of Don with his children looking at the derelict whorehouse that he grew up in left me a complete mess.

Both Sides Now - Judy Collins

Right now even listening to this song again is making me cry. This whole season and the last season of Mad Men has been heart and gut wrenching for me. I am sure that part of it is that I am seeing it through the lens of my own divorce as well as me being the same age as Don and that is affecting me as well. It seems silly I suppose and may even seem more silly if you are not a viewer of the show and are not identifying so heavily with the main character.

This is me...that is all I can really say without spoiling things. You can say what you want about this show. But I like it and the feelings that it causes me to feel is one of the reasons  why I think it is amazing. 

Bonus Ben Folds....

I just posted about the amount of Reggae and Metal that I have been listening to and as soon as I did that and then spent some more time listening to Manowar I also realized that it truly doesn't matter what I have been listening to. I will always go back to Ben Folds or The Ben Folds Five and I will always go back to him because for so many reasons I just love his music. So much.

Annie Waits - Ben Fold live with WASO

There are some musicians that will do a show with an orchestra and it is absolutely horrible, Metallica comes to mind for one example but what Ben did with the West Australian Symphony Orchestra was simply amazing and so nice to listen to. I am not a trained musician but there are things that I can like and enjoy and this is one that I enjoy so much.

Stumblin' Home Winter Blues - Ben Folds Five

This is another one that I just love. It sticks with me.

Rockin' the Suburbs - Ben Folds

I like this one because it makes fun of so many things and yet still manages to rock your socks off. That and also I think Limp Bizkit and Fred Durst were totally horrible and I think that Ben agrees with me.

Fred Jones, Part 2 - Ben Folds with WASO

This one is so poignant and almost heart breaking in its simple beauty. I love the piano in it. It has brought me to tears a time or two and I am not ashamed that at all.

Evaporated - Ben Folds with WASO

So beautiful.

Still Fighting It (Extended Version) - Ben Folds

This song is one that touches me, even though I do not have a child nor do I want one. But I can totally understand what he is singing about and what my friends who have children are dealing with to some degree.

The Luckiest - Ben Fold with WASO

This is the sappiest and cloying of love songs. But there something about it that totally touches me. I think it is a great song and I do not care what anyone else thinks about that.

Mess - Ben Folds Live in London

This is just a great song and one that I truly enjoy listening to again and again.

That is all for today folks. Please have an excellent Friday and an amazing weekend. Blessings, may they be upon you.

Musical Adventures

So this has been an interesting week for me musically. I have been kind of all over the place and I am not sure if that was because of all the amazing jam band music that Steve gifted me with, or if a movie or television show triggered it or what. My musical choices this week have ranged from the all time masters of Reggae, Jimmy Cliff and Bob Marley to some of the masters of epic metal, Helloween and Manowar. So I guess you guys are going to get a little treat courtesy of me. I hope you feel lucky. Because you totally should.

"The Harder They Come" - Jimmy Cliff

The movie that comes from was made in 1972 and it has the same name. I highly recommend it if you like reggae music and things about Jamica and crime films. If you like Michael Bay or M. Night Shillyshally films then this is not the film for you.

Eagle Fly Free - Helloween

It is hard for me to actually put into words how much I enjoy the hard rocking of this metal band. They are German and they rock so hard. So hard. So just sit back and let the music surround you and fill you with its power and majesty. Feel the drums lift you and drive you onward. There are times where good epic metal is the best thing in the world to listen to and you are doing yourself a disservice if you do not give it a fair listen. It is far more then just music for disaffected long haired stoners.

Perfect Gentleman - Helloween

I had to add another. I just had to.

It is hard to pick just one Bob Marley song, even the ones that were not hits are still amazing and some of the hits are just really, really so good.

African Herbsman - Bob Marley

This song pretty much says it all for me.

The Gods Made Heavy Metal - Manowar

This song explains how the Gods created Heavy Metal and if you losers don't like you can just get over it. Because the God's made Heavy Metal and it's never gonna die.

Thor (The Powerhead) - Manowar

Thor always brings the power and so does Manowar. So you best strap in because you are about to get you socks blown off amongst other things.

Sleepy Thursday....

ugh...I do not know for sure what is going on with me but I do not like it at all. I went to bed and basically asleep around 11:30 or so last night and then I woke up at 2:30 or 2:45. I was right in the middle of REM sleep and I have no idea what it was that woke me up. All I know is that I was wide awake and laying their in bed wondering what it was that woken me up. I made a point to stay in bed and to try to fall back to sleep and I believe that I did so at some point after 3:30 or 4. I know this because I woke up at 7 when my alarm actually went off.

A Saucerful of Secrets - Pink Floyd

I would love to have a full uninterrupted 6 to 8 hours of sleep. I do not think that is too much for me to ask by any means. I guess I could stop fighting it and stop trying to go to bed when the "normal" people do and just stay awake until I am tired. But I don't think that doing that is the right choice either. I really do not know what the right choice is at all. It really isn't that big of a deal currently since I am not working and have a pretty wide open schedule but when I get a job the lack of sleep is going to be a problem. I know it is.

One Word - Mahavishnu Orchestra

I am increasingly beginning to wonder if I need to hop in the van and head out into the wilderness for a couple of days. I just don't know. I like the idea of unplugging and sleeping in the van for awhile. But that is just it. I like the "Idea" of it. I am not so sure that I would like the "actual" of it. I suppose I shouldn't overthink it. I should just do it. It wouldn't be hard to do. I could just throw some blankets in the van and off I could go. The only thing that I would really need is coffee and I could bring a jug of cold brew if I didn't want to bother with actually making a fire or something like that.

Part 1 - Acknowledgement - John Coltrane

I wonder if perhaps that sort of thing would work as kind of a reboot for me. 

Am I Authentic or Am I Performing....

I had some interesting thoughts this weekend. I am going to try to share them with you as they came to me and along with that I may well do some processing or try to do some processing to find out what they mean to me.

Everybody Know This Is Nowhere - Neil Young

I was asked (by a good friend) "All well on your end?" I gave it some thought for actually a couple of days for a couple of reasons. One being that she is a good enough friend that I knew it wasn't a throwaway question and so it deserved an honest answer and the second being that I honestly did not know for sure what an honest answer was. Is all well on my end? Even as I think about that right now I am not sure.

Round and Round - Neil Young

This is what my answer was.

"I don't know if things are well or not. I am functioning but I am honestly not even sure at what level. I think I am still confused as to how I am feeling about Eric and dealing with that. Also just my feelings for his family and my ex-wife along it. Things are just very muddled right now."

There was some joking about lacing the muddledness(sp) with scotch,because we both like to drink some scotch now and then and as I thought a little more about it. This thought popped into my head.

"I hate being so self aware that I can't even let myself get so drunk that I do something real stupid. I hate being sick the next day so I always stop myself before I can get to the point where I might have a real drunken emotional breakthrough.

 That is the funny thing about pot for me. I am never out of control and I feel fine the next day. It just works for me on a relaxation level but not on a level where I can shut off the voice in my head that questions the authenticity of my every action.

 I think that is part of my struggle with honesty because even as I strive to be honest and real there is always that voice inside my head that is asking "but were you really honest, are you really being real? Or are you on a stage because you know that is what they want to see from you?"
I hate that voice."

Down by the River - Neil Young

That is a totally unvarnished thought. It is unfiltered and not changed at all from when I first thought it. So I suppose that is a good thing that I was able to express it without first running round and round through my brain to make sure what I really was thinking and meaning by it.

 It has been a little over a month since Eric died and intellectually I know that each person mourns in their own way and that the time and the process is different for each of us. But that honestly does me no good because my emotional reaction or feels as the cool kids call them are overriding my intellect.

The Losing End - Neil Young

But maybe that is okay. Maybe for me, my honest reaction is to question the authenticity of my feelings and in doing this I am honestly dealing with whatever it is that I am dealing with. Or perhaps I just made a nice logical circle that is eating it's own tail. Which may be one of the reasons that I very nearly failed logic in college. I love philosophy but logic was never my friend.

Running Dry - Neil Young

I pride myself on not caring what people think and normally that isn't a problem for me at all. I may have addressed this before as well. But I do not understand why this is concerning me. Most of the time I am left to my own devices and people can't even see the maelstrom of why's and how about's that is whirling around in my head and the only time it really comes to the surface is when I decide to answer a perfectly pleasant question honestly.

Out On The Weekend - Neil Young

As I sit here thinking about what I put in bold up there. I realize I am torn by a couple of things. I am upset and saddened by Eric's death at what I thought of as far to young of an age. That brings me sorrow and upsets me. But also and in some ways at a more deeper and fundamental level I am bothered and upset and saddened at the effect that this has had on so many people. I do wake up everyday thinking about this missing spot in my life but my pain, I feel , is nothing compared to that of Devyn and Nicole and his parents and others. At this point, it really feels like that is what is hurting me more or making me more upset. I want to do more. I want to fix an unfixable situation and that is killing me.  And yet even as I reach this moment of clarity I hear that voice in my head saying "Do you?" "Do you really feel that way or do you think that is what people want you to feel, so you are going to tell them that is what you are feeling?" I do not know how to answer that voice or if I even need to.

A Man Needs A Maid - Neil Young

I do honestly feel a little bit at sea...what focus and direction that I used to have in my life has been blown out of the water. I get up each day and turn in a few job applications with little or no response or luck. I write a little bit and then I take a nap because I have really only slept two or three hours that night or perhaps I have slept six hours in two separate three hour groups. All that I know is that I have not have a full night of sleep in  over a month and I know that is beginning to wear on me.

Old Man - Neil Young

Am I becoming the Old Man? I didn't used to be. But that may be a topic for another blog post. We shall see.

Blind Faith (Discovering Music Series)

This is a band is really nothing like the first artist that I did in this series, Billie Holiday. This band was arguably the world's first supergroup, they were called Blind Faith and consisted of Eric Clapton, Ginger Baker, Ric Grech and Stevie Winwood. I first became aware of Eric Clapton and Ginger Baker from listening to Cream. But I have not really ever given Blind Faith much of a listen at all.

Can't Find My Way Home - Blind Faith

Wow...there are some songs that hit you hard and some songs that don't and this song is leaving me just a little bit gutted. Holy smokes. I have heard this song before but something about it during this time of my life is really working for me.

Presence of the Lord - Blind Faith

This is a song that I have literally never heard before and let me tell you I am digging it. I think part of what I am enjoying with this music is just the craftsmanship of it. Now, I have never claimed to be a musician at all. I have a few piano and guitar lessons under my belt and I sang in several choirs over the years. But what I do have is a great love for music and for what I think of as good music. By that I mean music that it takes some skill and the use of actual instruments to play.

Sea of Joy - Blind Faith

This is just a lovely song and the violin in it is amazing.

That is it for today, I hope you guys enjoyed the trip back into the musical past and are looking forward to joining me as I continue to discover music.

(Discovering Music Series)

The Fundamentals of Music

I am going to be bringing something a little new to the blog. I just received a nice large batch of music that my friend Steve felt like I would enjoy listening to and I am looking forward to sharing that with my readers. Now some of the music are bands that I have heard of and some are bands that I have only a little awareness of . There are also a couple that I have never heard of at all and the music tends to be of all kinds of genres so I am really looking forward to bringing my experience to you and I hope you are able to enjoy the experience. I just hope I am able to find music videos as well so that I can really share it with you.

This first artist is the great blues singer Billie Holiday. This is a name that I have heard before and probably heard bits and pieces of her music but I haven't ever sat down and actively given her an extended listen and I have to say, that while this is not the typical style of music that I listen too, I really do enjoy it.

I am probably not going to do a lot of biographical stuff with these artists. You can all use google for that. I am just going to be following my usual method of putting up a video of the song if possible and then detailing a little bit my feelings about the song as I was listening to it.

I've Got It Bad and that Ain't Good - Billie Holiday

I really wish that I knew more about who played in her band. Because along with the smoothness of her voice and the overall just mellow feelings that she brings to me I also really enjoy the piano in this number and I have in most everything that I have listened to so far. My music player is listing this as blues but the more that I listen to it the more I am impressed by the jazz like nature of it. The instruments especially. It is all just so nice.

I Loves You Porgy - Billie Holiday

This one is music composed by George Gershwin so that explains why they music is so good in it. I am having a hard time really giving this the explanation that I feel like it deserves. The music is so good and the whole package of what is going on with her vocals and the instruments weaving shapes and patterns together and really creating a picture of sound is hard for me to fully explain to you in words. I just have to say that I am enjoying it.

Keeps On Rainin' - Billie Holiday

 Such a good song. I honestly find that I do not have the words for this other then that to sit quietly and to listen to this is a very pleasant experience. There is no other way for me to put it, other then that.

Lover Man - Billie Holiday

This is a love song and a very poignant one. Another beautiful song. All I can say. folks, is do yourselves a favor and track down some of her music. I do not think you will regret it and I realize that I am not discovering something new. I am just discovering something that is new to me and I am very much enjoying the experience.

(This is part of my Discovering Music Series)  

Sunday....

It is a pleasant Sunday evening and I am at the Broadway Coffeeshop having my Americano and listening to a band called O'Death. They are kind of hard to explain but their sound seems to perfectly fit my mood this evening.

Down To Rest - O'Death

It isn't that their music is particularly morbid or anything like that. If anything it is kind of like a bluesy alt country kind of sound. But there is just something about it that really, really works for me. Much like Trampled by Turtles worked for me when I first heard them.

Adelita - O'Death

I realize that it has gotten so you can throw a rock and hit a band that has a banjo and a mandolin and several bearded guys with unwashed hair. Thank, Mumford and Sons. But I like that kind of music so for me it is kind of a glorious time to be around musically.  If you don't like it, well that is fine, you don't have to read or listen to what I am laying down for you. I am not sure what caused this kind of electronic blue grass revival but I like it and I like it when I find new bands who play the kind of music that I dig.

. . . 'Till the End

Love You 'Till the End - The Pogues

Wow...that is a heart wrenching song. I guess I could take it as a hopeful song and there may have been times in my life when I would have. But overall, right now, it feels more somber and painful to me then anything else. Don't get me wrong it is a good song. But it is painful for me to listen to right now.

Streets of Philadelphia - Bruce Springsteen

This is such a good song. It does an amazing job of evoking the sadness of lost friends and feeling alone as you walk through life. Often while the intellect can tell us over and over again that we are not alone. The emotional side of life and the darkness that hides in all of us tells us over and over again that we are alone. Those two conflicting messages can be very hard to fight against. I am not saying that their is some great battle within us for our souls but I suppose some people would argue just that and I suppose it would be easy enough to take that position but I am going to choose not too.

Brown Eyed Girl - Van Morrison

What a classic, classic song and one that I always seem to enjoy and just like listening to.

4 O'Clock in the Morning - The Pogues

Oh boy, this song pulls no punches. It is about death and it is not a pleasant song for me at all to listen to. I guess when inspiration strikes you hold on and your write until the train stops rolling along the tracks even if I am not super happy with what is popping up in the music player to fuel that train. I will never be unhappy about feeling the push to write because there are enough days that it doesn't happen so when it does I just do it and damn the consequences.

Dr. Heckyll And Mr. Jive - Men At Work

I love the chorus in this song. It just soars along and there is something about it that never fails to work for me. Such a good, good song. And with that it seems that the train has slowed to a stop. I hope you guys enjoyed the double post today.

I Would Walk...

I'm Gonna Be (500 Miles) - The Proclaimers

I find it interesting that Ireland is fully metric but the Proclaimers are singing about miles in this song. It doesn't really matter but the thought just crossed my mind as I sit here on a Friday afternoon.

House of Fun - Madness

Is there any other band that is as fun to listen to as Madness? I do not think there is. Their type of second wave SKA is so enjoyable and always gets my toes tapping and brings a smile to my face. Don't try to deny it. Just give in to it's power.

It Must Be Love - Madness

This is one of my favorite songs and I think it perfectly evokes that feeling when it first starts and you are in the middle of it and all you can think about it that person. They dominate your every thought and often your very being. That is why it is so horrible when more often than not everything falls apart.

Is She Really Going Out With Him? - Joe Jackson

How great is it that this was the song that randomly popped up next? This does seem to be the obvious question post break up, or even before the dating has started when the girl you are pining after is dating some loser. And if they aren't dating me then they are obviously dating some loser.

I Hope You Never - Tom Petty

Oh this is hilarious, I am not feeling angsty at all. But the songs that are popping up today sure make it look like I am. I love it. I can't wait to see what pops up next. At this rate it will be a song about an ex lover getting remarried or something.

Underground - Men At Work

Oh well, it doesn't relate to the theme of the other songs but it is one of my favorite songs by one of my favorite bands. I just like their sound and enjoy them so much. Do yourself a favor and look them up on Spotify if you haven ever given them a listen.

Come on Eileen - Dexy's Midnight Runners

Oh yes! Lets finish up this Friday afternoon with another of my personal favorites. Who wants to dance with me? Come on!

Interesting....

So I am doing my usual Thursday morning thing. That is to sit at the coffee shop at the table I usually sit at and drink my coffee and apply for jobs and visit with my friends who come in. Now that is all pretty normal and typical and everything. But I al feeling rather agitated and I am not totally sure where it is coming from.

Run Run Run - The Who

I am in the middle of reading an article on ESPN.com called When The Beautiful Game Turns Ugly  and I think that is part of my agitation. The article is about racism in Serie A which is the top level of professional soccer in Italy. The level of racism that the author is describing is mind blowing to me. I just don't understand it and frankly I am not sure that I really want too. It is truly beyond me and I am finding it so maddening and angering that I had to put down the article to write to you to allow me some time to vent these things out of me. I realized that I was starting to get a little bit out of control angry about the article when I saw a white guy with a dog walk by. He was minding his own business but my first thought was that I want to go punch that guy right in his stupid grinning face.

5:15 - The Who

I did not do that and I rarely if ever any more feel like that. My days of street fighting are past and I do not miss them and I am glad I am beyond that. So  it really comes as a bit of a surprise to me that an article condemning a behavior that I find abhorrent would get me so worked up that I want to randomly assault a passer-by. I know that it is probably part of the residual stress that I am dealing with in still processing Erics death as well as my job hunt and just the natural stresses of life in the last month or so. But it certainly doesn't excuse me feeling like that. I am pretty self aware but I even confuse myself sometimes.

1921 - The Who

I wish I had some spark of wisdom that would wash away all of my angst but this does not seem likely at all and in some ways me feeling agitated and angry is a better feeling then me me feeling sad and hopeless. So I have that going for me. Which is nice I guess. I am not trying to be flip about what is a very real thing for me. But also being a little flip allows me to cope a little bit with these emotional swings that seem to happen on an every other day basis or every few days. The only real outlet does seem to be the listening to of the music and the writing of the blog. So I suppose it could be far worse and I could be acting out in other ways. I am sure that when I was younger I probably would have been. But the honestly nice thing is that as I write I can feel the tension leave and that makes a huge difference.

Don't Let Go The Coat - The Who

I guess I will just hold on to the hope that things will change. That seems to be all I can do. 

Creativity...

What happens when the creative well goes dry? Do you search for inspiration or does it have to happen on its own? What does inspiration even mean? If you have taken the time to search it out does it stop being inspiration at that point and is it just you using your own built in creativity? I suppose that their is no real answer to these questions and I am just kind of killing some time in the hopes that all of this writing causes something to pop into my head that lets me feel like I am being creative. But so far nothing is happening at all.

The Engine Driver - The Decemberists

There is a line from a Decemberists song - "I am a writer, a writer of fictions." I feel like that sometimes but I don't think that I do it very well and I honestly would rather write about honest things. That isn't always the easiest thing to do though because for me the honest things usually come from an emotional spot and I do not always have access to that emotional spot. I wonder sometimes if the emotional well that I draw from has a certain limit to its capacity and I am only able to draw from it when it is full. Perhaps that is what keeps me sane or should I say a level of sane? I just don't know. I do know that I enjoy writing and when it is going well there is often nothing else that I would rather be doing even if in the process I feel like my heart is being wrenched out of me or my tears are making it hard for me to see.

16 Military Wives - The Decemberists

There is just something that I truly love when as I write the words flow out of me and I see them appear in front of me on the computer screen. It energizes me as it continues and as my fingers move faster and faster and the words appear. It isn't like everything that I write down are genius words of wisdom but in the midst of the process it certainly feels like that is the case and when I am writing from an honest place it certainly feels like there is some added weight to what I am doing. I know that for me, when I write it does tend to be stream of consciousness stuff and so there usually has to be something that has triggered the thought or the effort.

Here I Dreamt I Was An Architect - The Decemberists

Sometimes it is as simple as the perfume someone is wearing or the clothes they have on. It could be some perceived slight that only I have picked up on and is not even real. But at whatever emotional level I am writing from it is real to me. In today's case it is a man wearing a plaid long sleeve shirt that he has buttoned up to his neck and black horn rimmed glasses. This bugs me and I am honestly not sure why. I know that he smacks of hipster from his full beard all the way down his skinny jeaned clad legs to his black Vibram 5-finger shoes or whatever it is they are called. It shouldn't bug me but oh it does. It does!

White Tooth Man - Iron and Wine

I shouldn't rail against the Hipster as I am one of them. I wonder if that is what frustrates me. I know that the way that I dress and the glasses I wear and the music I listen to are choices I have made at an honest level and I do so without any level of irony or detached amusement. I guess I wonder at the authenticity of others who look like I do. Is it jealousy? Perhaps it is. I honestly do not know. I do know that seeing the Hipster causes a visceral reaction in me that I am not always able to control as well as I would like to. This is all despite my attempts at being zen and detached. Perhaps that is my sin. Do I care to much? I wonder sometimes.

Your Fake Name Is Good Enough For Me - Iron and Wine

Oh Brother...

One of my favorite films of all times is the Cohen bro's "Oh Brother, Where Art Thou" there is just something about it that I find so uplifting and special. A large part of that is the amazing soundtrack and the soundtrack for this film is truly an amazing one. I find that often for me, a great soundtrack can made a poor film a far more enjoyable one for me. I am sure that it isn't the same for other people.  But for me the use of really good and effective music just transcends anything else in the film. If I had to pick my top three film and soundtrack experiences and believe me that the experiences go together, sure you can listen to a soundtrack without watching the film, but just try to watch a film without a soundtrack attached to it. I think you will not enjoy the experience at all. But anyway my top three in no particular order "Oh Brother, Where Art Thou", "Almost Famous", and "The Royal Tenenbaums."  They are all so good. It is no coincidence that the directors of these films also have other films that have amazing music in them as well. Though to be fair the Cohen bro's are not known for it as much as Camron Crowe is and Wes Anderson are.

 There are times that just hearing a certain song or even part of a song from these soundtracks will drive me to tears and I do not mean that in a bad way at all.  I love the effect that these songs have on me. I love that about film and music in general that the impact can last beyond the initial viewing experience, which maybe why I love books and film and music so much.

Now, this wouldn't be my blog if I didn't throw up some videos for your viewing and listening entertainment. So here we go.

From "Oh Brother, Art Thou"

Big Rock Candy Mountain

Down To The River To Pray

I Am a Man of Constant Sorrow

Oh Death

Music from "Almost Famous"

I've Seen All Good People

Every Picture Tells A Story

That's The Way

I'm Waiting For The Man

Songs from "The Royal Tenenbaums"  A lot of what makes this soundtrack so effective is the score by Mark Mothersbaugh, I think that he is amazingly talented.

These Days

Police and Thieves

Needle in the hay - This is a song that I will never be able to listen to the same way I again. But I love the song.

Thanks for reading and listening folks.

What Happens When We Step Through The Portal?

Today was not a good day. There were parts of it that were but overall it just wasn't. When I was sitting in the silence and the solitude it was fine. But when I decided to leave and go out of the house things kind of went haywire. It was a beautiful day out. The sky is nice and blue and there are puffy clouds everywhere and the temperature is not to high. It is just a nice, nice day. But there are no more nice days for Eric and in reality I wonder how many nice days there are for me. Oh sure I am very capable of putting on the smiling face and totally faking it and my body and mind sometimes even believe me.

Landed - Ben Folds

But in the end when I stop distracting myself it all comes crashing in on me. But everything really seems to taste of ash and there is no real joy in anything for me. There are momentary glimpses of joy that soon fade as reality and the truth of the situation come rushing back in to fill the blissful void.  It feels like I have some kind of inertia built up that is just keeping me moving and doing routine things even when I am not sleeping at night. I had thought that I had handled the lack of sleep and things were getting better but in the last four days or so that has not been the case at all. In fact it feels like it has gotten worse in some ways.

All You Can Eat - Ben Folds

The honestly frustrating thing for me is that I can feel myself feeling better as I listen to music and write down my thoughts. But it isn't like I can sit and do this all day every day. Well I suppose I could but I am not sure how to turn this into a paying gig. Would someone like to be my patron? I wonder if I could do a kickstarter to fund myself writing for a few years. I suppose I could look into it and try to find out if I could. I think people make a living doing worse things that is for sure.

Philosophy - Ben Folds

I think part of what upsets me so much is the inability to say good bye to Eric. I was not able to sit down with him and have that final long extended conversation about life and Zen and Philosophy and what makes the world tick. That pains me. That is a void that I will never be able to fill in anyway and it makes me want to scream because of it. It all just kind of narrows down to that point. Oh I know all the words and all the things people say but even knowing that it wasn't my fault and that it wasn't up to me to save him. It still feels like I failed to save him. That all of the mystical mumbo jumbo that I use to allow myself to function and to get through life was not enough for him despite all of our conversations and it it eats me up inside everyday.

Rock Star - Ben Folds

..and while I know all of this on an intellectual level, it is not enough for me on an emotional level and those thoughts and words just continually swirl around and around in my head unless I can keep up the constant motion and the constant attempts at distraction and I don't know when it will ever stop. and, and, and, forever and ever amen.