Final Friday

This was my friend Eric's house actually to be more specific Eric and Devyn took this pretty beat up old house in the St Johns area of Portland and turned it into a home. It was a lovely home with a lovely backyard and little garden. The backyard was a very soothing place to just hang out and listen to music and relax. They do not live here anymore. Eric is gone and the house has been sold and there is no reason for me to go to St Johns anymore.

This is the St Johns bridge. I used to drive over this bridge on my way to visit Eric and Devyn at their home. Now Eric is gone and there is no reason for me to drive over this bridge anymore.

Dave Brubeck - Kathy's Waltz

Eric is gone and I will never see him again and that makes me very very sad. I told Devyn last night that I have never wanted to travel back in time before and now sometimes it is all that I think about. I don't even know what I could do or that I could fix anything or even stop him from the choice he made. I know intellectually that there no real chance of me going back in time and nothing is going to change.

Grateful Dead - Ripple

The intellectual knowledge does not seem to make things any easier or to even dull the pain. These are all questions that I have asked before and as I move toward the 6th month of this I wonder if I will ever stop asking them. Will I ever feel peace or the moments I have of laughter or pleasure are they they fleeting moments and the consistent reality of my life going to be one of somberness and dull unyielding pain. I don't know, I just do not know.

Neil Young - There's A World

My life was better with you in it Eric and I miss you. Missing you doesn't change anything but there is a void that can't be filled now matter what I throw to throw into it and right now it is just a void that echoes with my numbness and my painful screams that I can't seem to vocalize as much as I wish that I could.

Neil Young - Round & Round

35 is to young. Far to young and you had to much life left to live and thing pretty much fucking suck now because of it.

Neil Young - The Losing End


"It's so hard for me now, but  I'll make it somehow. Though I know I'll never be the same. "

I can only hope that this is true and continue to put one foot in front of the other. Because like Dr Bob said it is all "Baby steps."

Tuesday...

I am honestly not sure what to write about today. Lately I have been watching the first season of the HBO show "The Newsroom". The show was created by Aaron Sorkin and I find his work very interesting. It is hard for me to quantify it, because while I often find his public persona to be very smug and really just pretty annoying in general, his writing on his shows often touch a chord with me and often it is a very emotional chord. I really do love things that can have that affect on me. I honestly do not care if that effect is good or bad but there needs to be something, otherwise why bother with it. What is the point of watching a show or listening to music or reading a book if there is not some sort of visceral reaction to it?

Lou Reed - Perfect Day

Isn't that the point? Why spend the time with it if there is not some sort of connection? If I wanted to spend my time on something and not have nay kind of emotional response to what I am spending time with I would have a job. It is plenty easy to shut the emotions off and zombie your way through the work day, but honestly, that seems like no way to live and life is hard enough as far as I am concerned if I am going to go through it in a dull zombie state.

Devo - Gut Feeling

Some would argue that emotions are neither good nor bad that they just exist and that we have no control over them. I would agree with that to a point. But I think a life without emotion is no kind of life for me. Sure if the emotion that I am feeling is me walking around in a rage all of the time that is going to be a problem. But, that isn't the kind of emotion that I am talking about. To be sure there are times when I will watch something or read something and I am left angry or enraged though I do not feel rage all that often. I am more likely to feel sadly angry more then anything else as far as emotions in the anger spectrum go.

Brian Eno - Deep Blue Day

I know that there are people who fear feeling emotions because they feel like they are out of control but I think the quickest way to get back in control is to feel that emotion and to ride it through. It may be hard to do for some but to sit down and write it out can be so beneficial. I know that this blog is that for me, there are times as I am writing that I am taken to a pretty dark places but as I write I am walking through those places and I am emerging from that journey in a better place then I was when I started it. As far as I am concerned, if I had never started the journey I would have just sat in it and wallowed in that dark place. The only way for me to get through it is to face it head on and honestly and authentically experience it.

David Bowie - Fame

The reality is that while whatever event I am feeling emotional about is not going to change, I am going to change as I travel through that experience. It feels callous for me to say, but what's done is done and nothing I can do can change that. But what I can change is my response to that event for good or bad. That is the one thing that I may have some sort of control over. I am not claiming that it will be easy or pleasant because it will not be and odd are that it will not be short. I know that for me it has not been and I have no idea when this whole experience is going to be over. Or honestly if it will ever be.

David Bowie - Ashes to Ashes

And part of that process is for me to sit and stare off into space as I try desperately to put the words together on the page to make some sort of sense out of what I am feeling. Or why I am feeling what I am feeling when the SORROW overtakes me. There often seems to be no rhyme or reason for when it happens. Oh sure, there is always the original reason. But there are times when I am not even thinking about the original reason when it happens. Last week I was driving to a friends house for a birthday event and the tears and near panic started to flow. I settled down by the time I had arrived at my location but near as I could tell there was nothing that had triggered the initial emotional response.

The Velvet Underground - The Velvet Underground

In some ways that is the most frustrating thing for me. I find it frustrating because I have always been so in touch with my emotions and to not know exactly why I am weeping or what caused the weeping is extremely annoying and my response has now shifted somewhat to a near panic attack at times and that is a brand new experience for me. So I can find it almost fascinating as I sit outside my body as some sort of glorious third person Buddha and watch myself experience these things. It isn't a pleasant experience at all. But it is also my reality right now and I am not going to deny it or to deny myself this experience. I just can't.

Interesting....

So I am doing my usual Thursday morning thing. That is to sit at the coffee shop at the table I usually sit at and drink my coffee and apply for jobs and visit with my friends who come in. Now that is all pretty normal and typical and everything. But I al feeling rather agitated and I am not totally sure where it is coming from.

Run Run Run - The Who

I am in the middle of reading an article on ESPN.com called When The Beautiful Game Turns Ugly  and I think that is part of my agitation. The article is about racism in Serie A which is the top level of professional soccer in Italy. The level of racism that the author is describing is mind blowing to me. I just don't understand it and frankly I am not sure that I really want too. It is truly beyond me and I am finding it so maddening and angering that I had to put down the article to write to you to allow me some time to vent these things out of me. I realized that I was starting to get a little bit out of control angry about the article when I saw a white guy with a dog walk by. He was minding his own business but my first thought was that I want to go punch that guy right in his stupid grinning face.

5:15 - The Who

I did not do that and I rarely if ever any more feel like that. My days of street fighting are past and I do not miss them and I am glad I am beyond that. So  it really comes as a bit of a surprise to me that an article condemning a behavior that I find abhorrent would get me so worked up that I want to randomly assault a passer-by. I know that it is probably part of the residual stress that I am dealing with in still processing Erics death as well as my job hunt and just the natural stresses of life in the last month or so. But it certainly doesn't excuse me feeling like that. I am pretty self aware but I even confuse myself sometimes.

1921 - The Who

I wish I had some spark of wisdom that would wash away all of my angst but this does not seem likely at all and in some ways me feeling agitated and angry is a better feeling then me me feeling sad and hopeless. So I have that going for me. Which is nice I guess. I am not trying to be flip about what is a very real thing for me. But also being a little flip allows me to cope a little bit with these emotional swings that seem to happen on an every other day basis or every few days. The only real outlet does seem to be the listening to of the music and the writing of the blog. So I suppose it could be far worse and I could be acting out in other ways. I am sure that when I was younger I probably would have been. But the honestly nice thing is that as I write I can feel the tension leave and that makes a huge difference.

Don't Let Go The Coat - The Who

I guess I will just hold on to the hope that things will change. That seems to be all I can do.