Final Friday

This was my friend Eric's house actually to be more specific Eric and Devyn took this pretty beat up old house in the St Johns area of Portland and turned it into a home. It was a lovely home with a lovely backyard and little garden. The backyard was a very soothing place to just hang out and listen to music and relax. They do not live here anymore. Eric is gone and the house has been sold and there is no reason for me to go to St Johns anymore.

This is the St Johns bridge. I used to drive over this bridge on my way to visit Eric and Devyn at their home. Now Eric is gone and there is no reason for me to drive over this bridge anymore.

Dave Brubeck - Kathy's Waltz

Eric is gone and I will never see him again and that makes me very very sad. I told Devyn last night that I have never wanted to travel back in time before and now sometimes it is all that I think about. I don't even know what I could do or that I could fix anything or even stop him from the choice he made. I know intellectually that there no real chance of me going back in time and nothing is going to change.

Grateful Dead - Ripple

The intellectual knowledge does not seem to make things any easier or to even dull the pain. These are all questions that I have asked before and as I move toward the 6th month of this I wonder if I will ever stop asking them. Will I ever feel peace or the moments I have of laughter or pleasure are they they fleeting moments and the consistent reality of my life going to be one of somberness and dull unyielding pain. I don't know, I just do not know.

Neil Young - There's A World

My life was better with you in it Eric and I miss you. Missing you doesn't change anything but there is a void that can't be filled now matter what I throw to throw into it and right now it is just a void that echoes with my numbness and my painful screams that I can't seem to vocalize as much as I wish that I could.

Neil Young - Round & Round

35 is to young. Far to young and you had to much life left to live and thing pretty much fucking suck now because of it.

Neil Young - The Losing End


"It's so hard for me now, but  I'll make it somehow. Though I know I'll never be the same. "

I can only hope that this is true and continue to put one foot in front of the other. Because like Dr Bob said it is all "Baby steps."