Monday Musings

Today was the first day of my third week of work and it went well. It is nice to be back working and to be on a schedule and I find agreeable. But if I had one concern it is that I am having a hard time figuring out how I can do my writing. I am hoping that Monday afternoon and evenings are going to be a time that I can devote to writing and listening to music and continuing to explore my journey through life on both a physical and emotional level. Now, I realize that this may or may not be interesting to some of you. But, I also realize that as far as I am concerned I need to have the freedom of writing to express myself and that by writing I am able to keep myself sane. Writing allows me to get the voices out of my head and allows me to say things that I am not always able to say and for that I am profoundly grateful. I do not know how people live who are unable to have an outlet like I have.

Pretty Girl from Feltre - The Avett Brothers

Today is March 24th and I am basically dreading the coming of April, I am dreading it because in the middle of April it will be a year since Eric's death. And while I have made some pretty significant strides in dealing with this I am in now way ready to deal with this anniversary and I really honestly do not know how I am going to be able to process it. The very thought of it as I write is bringing tears to my eyes and I do not even feel all that emotional at the present time. But I am can feel them swirling around behind the small blockade that I have thrown up as a weak defense against being overwhelmed by them.

Warning - Black Sabbath

I have noted before that I do not fear my feelings and I have learned to embrace them and to ride them and in some ways bathe in them. That may not be the best way to word it but I am not sure honestly how to word it. I know that it is unhealthy for me to close myself off and to pretend that the pain isn't there and that if I fight against it the pain often lasts longer then it would have if I had just faced it head on and let it overwhelm me for a time. I think that is the strange nature of grief and loss. It can come upon us without warning and then leave again without a trace for a time. But that is just an illusion because there is always a trace. It is in the world around me. It is in the music that I listen too or the books that I read or the television shows that I watch. Or even how I carry myself and respond to certain situations. I am unable to look at my bookcase without seeing a book or two or three or more that Eric either inspired me to read or gave me directly to read. I love those books and I have not regretted ever reading them. Nor have I or will I ever regret reading them.

Only in Your Heart - America

There are films that I have avoided watching since his death. It isn't that I dislike there films. But I am not sure that I am ready to face the feelings that these films are going to bring about in me. They are not good or bad but they are sure to be intense and overwhelming and I am not sure how ready I am for such a thing. I want to say 'What the hell, just face it head on." But I can't. I want too. I want to sit down and watch 'The Royal Tenenbaums' and 'Almost Famous' and 'Fight Club' and other films that remind me of him. But I just can't. I want to so badly and I the idea of it just locks me up and makes my chest tighten with pain.

No one Knows - Queens of the Stone Age

On Saturday night I had my, what I call, my philosophy group. It is more like a fellowship group of some partially like minded thinkers and we discuss all kinds of things. I normally leave the group energized and fed and group was good that night. We did a question can thing that I always enjoy doing. But once it was over I wandered into the coffeehouse and had myself a drink and also ran into two of my good friends. These are two people that always make me feel welcome and also are really good for conversation. So I am always happy to see them. One of them asked how I was doing and I thought about it for a bit and realized that I was feeling rather aimless and basically at a loss. It was a beautiful evening Saturday. The air was still and warm but not too warm and everything was very nice. But I was not feeling nice. I wandered out to my van after saying goodbye and I was really at a loss.

Every Dog Has Its Day - Flogging Molly

I finally decided that the only smart thing too do was to go home. It wasn't like I was going to hurt myself. At least I do not think so. But the air felt almost swollen with anticipation and I do not know what I was expecting but it really felt to me like there something waiting to drop and when it dropped it would overwhelm me and I wasn't sure if that was going to be good or bad. To me the air felt like it does just before a thunder storm is about to hit. I drove home in near tears and by the time I made it into my inner sanctum the tears had begun to flow but I did not know what was driving them. They were just flowing. I tried to do some writing but was unable to achieve anything close to getting out what I was feeling. So I watched some very stupid television. It was Tosh.0 and anyone who is familiar with it knows how stupid it can be. It may not have been the healthiest choice but it allowed me to move beyond the gloom that was hanging over me.

Salty Dog - Flogging Molly

So that being said. I am not sure what was going on. I just do not know. But Sunday was a better day and so was today and now I am writing and that is a good thing. The act of writing just makes me feel better. It helps me to feel like something is coming out even if it is something that doesn't totally make sense to other people. But it works for me and for the moment there is some calm in the storm that swirls inside of me. I will never forget Eric. He will always be with me and I will always love him and I will continue to get tattoos upon my body that remind me of him. That is how I choose to remember him and to honor his life and his memory. He left permanent marks on my life and leaving permanent marks on my skin is how I can remember and honor that.

The Worst Day Since Yesterday - Flogging Molly


 I know that April will be hard for me and I apologize ahead of time if I seem distant and kind of out to lunch. I apologize if my writings are overly emotional and weepy. I am an emotional guy and this is my canvas for processing theses things. Thank you for reading my thoughts and for caring about me. I love all of you and I hope to continue to share my love with you in the months ahead.  So remember, be kind because the journey for all of us is a hard one and please keep on dancing.

Final Friday

This was my friend Eric's house actually to be more specific Eric and Devyn took this pretty beat up old house in the St Johns area of Portland and turned it into a home. It was a lovely home with a lovely backyard and little garden. The backyard was a very soothing place to just hang out and listen to music and relax. They do not live here anymore. Eric is gone and the house has been sold and there is no reason for me to go to St Johns anymore.

This is the St Johns bridge. I used to drive over this bridge on my way to visit Eric and Devyn at their home. Now Eric is gone and there is no reason for me to drive over this bridge anymore.

Dave Brubeck - Kathy's Waltz

Eric is gone and I will never see him again and that makes me very very sad. I told Devyn last night that I have never wanted to travel back in time before and now sometimes it is all that I think about. I don't even know what I could do or that I could fix anything or even stop him from the choice he made. I know intellectually that there no real chance of me going back in time and nothing is going to change.

Grateful Dead - Ripple

The intellectual knowledge does not seem to make things any easier or to even dull the pain. These are all questions that I have asked before and as I move toward the 6th month of this I wonder if I will ever stop asking them. Will I ever feel peace or the moments I have of laughter or pleasure are they they fleeting moments and the consistent reality of my life going to be one of somberness and dull unyielding pain. I don't know, I just do not know.

Neil Young - There's A World

My life was better with you in it Eric and I miss you. Missing you doesn't change anything but there is a void that can't be filled now matter what I throw to throw into it and right now it is just a void that echoes with my numbness and my painful screams that I can't seem to vocalize as much as I wish that I could.

Neil Young - Round & Round

35 is to young. Far to young and you had to much life left to live and thing pretty much fucking suck now because of it.

Neil Young - The Losing End


"It's so hard for me now, but  I'll make it somehow. Though I know I'll never be the same. "

I can only hope that this is true and continue to put one foot in front of the other. Because like Dr Bob said it is all "Baby steps."

Free Bird...

Today is 8-31-13 and it was April 13th that I heard the news that Eric was gone. April, May, June, July, August it has been 5 months almost 6 now and I really don't know if things are any better.

I know I have said this before at least I think that I have. It isn't that I want to be depressed  and replay this thing over and over. Because I don't and there are moments when everything seems fine and honestly I have tricked myself into feeling fine and then I am driving my van home or as Eric always referred to it on Instagram "The Van" and I start thinking "what and why and how" and "WHY DON'T I JUST DRIVE MY VAN RIGHT OFF THE FUCKING ROAD BECAUSE WOULDN'T THAT BE A WHOLE LOT FUCKING SIMPLER THEM HAVING TO ALWAYS PROCESS THIS SHIT OVER AND OVER AGAIN." 

Now let me be clear before anybody freaks out. I am not going to be driving The Van off of the road. But if I do not acknowledge that these thoughts surface within me from time to time I find that I am far worse off. I can't pretend that I am not feeling these things and that everything is hunky dory and that I am feeling just fine. Because I am not and there really is no point in me lying about it. If my honestly bothers you then so be it and you have a couple of choices, One is to nod and smile and thank me for my authenticity the other is well stated best in this gif

Because while it may make you uncomfortable this is the truth and the reality of someone left behind and  I am positive that I am not the only one feeling this way. So either get your shit together and do everything you can to help that person not feel totally and completely  alone or jog the fuck on. Don't half ass it. There is no halfway with this. It is that important and those left behind need you. If you are unable to deal with the intensity of that then you really are not a friend even if you thought you were. What you thought was friendship all this time was not. It was some comfortable thing with no intimacy and no accountability and no truth. You were an acquaintance and when shit got real you couldn't handle it. Well too bad for you. But no one likes or wants to be left behind. No one wants to be the survivor that has to pick up the pieces of day to day life and trudge on like nothing has happened. Like your entire world wasn't blown totally up. You not being able to handle that is not the fault of the survivor. It is your fault for not being a good person. And fuck you if this upsets you. It should upset you. You are a bad person and should be ashamed of yourself.

I have to believe that healing will come. Otherwise, what is the point. But there are times when it seems so, so hard and I begin to wonder when, when will it come? I suppose that I should seek therapy or counseling, I have been told that I should go to group therapy and I always feel like yes I should. But when it comes down to actually making that call I think, "Ahh I am okay, I can squeeze these feelings off and write about them when they get to strong to handle."  I do not know why I am so resistant to this. I honestly don't. The idea of me being resistant to it makes no sense to me. I do not fear seeing a therapist and I do not fear being psycho-analyzed yet I can't seem to take that next step and I do not know why.

Thanks for listening folks I am going to go make myself a drink.

Sick and Tired of It

Hey folks, I have not written for awhile and that is mainly because I have been basically holed up in my lair for the last week or so because I have had a pretty nasty cough and it has seriously hindered my ability to get to the coffee shop which is where I do the majority of my writings. But I am feeling like I can do a little this evening.

REM - Cuyahoga

I am still looking for needful employment. I have enjoyed living this life of leisure but it has grown both tiresome and boring. I need to move on to the next thing and to put some money in the banks. As much as I love living in this new golden age of Socialism under Obama it still seems that I have to work and I am just not getting my fair share of things from other peoples labors. I honestly thought that things would be better for the enlightened ones like myself and as much as I enjoy my thrice daily White Russians all that vodka is not free.

Well that and what was the point of my nifty new haircut if I can't get a job. I may as well have continued to grow my glorious locks and my lovely sideburns in perpetuity. It was not easy to cultivate those sideburns let me tell you. I have to now shave at least twice if not three times a week to keep my face so baby soft and let me tell you friends that is just exhausting.

REM - Gardening At Night

On an emotional level things are still kind of up and down. I have good days and bad days and I am sleeping better I suppose but even that is sporadic at best. I still miss Eric and I suppose that I always shall which is a good thing. But there are times now when that missing him is tainted by some anger and I do not particularly enjoy feeling that way. I may have addressed this before and if I have I apologize but here it is. I do respect the autonomy of the individual and when it is in the theoretical it is very easy for me to say "sure, people should have the right to determine their own existence." But in the reality of the aftermath. In the midst of the chaos that has been left behind for his family and friends I am not so sure.

REM - Find The River

I tried 5 times to write something on his Facebook page yesterday about how I was missing him and honestly all that came out was anger and I stopped myself from writing anything. Anger will not bring him back. Nothing will and intellectually I know that but it feels like my emotions have now slid into that stage of things. Whatever that stage is on the scale of stages. All I know is that I do not like or enjoy feeling angry about Eric. He never made me angry. I always enjoyed being around him and often he left me smiling or laughing or thinking deeply. He left deep deep roots in my psyche. Good roots from good experiences and good conversations that are wrapped around my soul and I honestly am glad that they are their despite the pain it causes me to think about them. My life is for the better because he was in it. 

REM - Oddfellows Local 151

All that being said. My life is not for the better without him in it. I muddle along trying to figure out what is next. I spend time with friends, I read and write and I listen to music and I meditate and I spend time with friends. But, the friend that I would like to spend time with is unavailable and always will be. Is that a metaphor for something bigger in life? I don't know and frankly I am not sure if I care right now. This is what happens when you write while you are all hopped up on the cold medicines. The synapses are firing on all cylinders baby!! You know you love it. You want a metaphor I have a metaphor for you.  

Who am I kidding I don't have a metaphor for you. No nuggets of wisdom to import. No moments of Zen to make your life worth living. Just the hope that you can keep on doing it day to day and knowing that I am here if you need someone to talk too. Because, I like to talk and for some strange reason people seem to like me. So catch you later folks. It's been real. Let me close with these thoughts from the film 'Pump up the Volume'

“Ok, this is really me now. No more hiding. Listen, we’re all worried, we’re all in pain. That just comes with having eyes and with having ears. But just remember one thing, it can’t get any worse, it can only get better. I mean High School is the bottom. Being a teenager sucks! But that’s the point, surviving it is the whole point! Quitting is not going to make you strong, living will. So just hang on and hang in there. You know, I know all about the hating and the sneering. I’m a member of the “why bother” generation myself. But why did I bother to come out here tonight, and why did you? I mean, It’s time. It’s begins with us, not with politicians, the experts or the teachers but with us. With you and with me. The ones who need it most. I gotta believe, with everything in me, the whole world is longing for healing. Even the trees, the earth itself are crying out for it. You can hear it everywhere. Same kinda healing I desperately needed and I finally feel has begun, with you.”
— Mark Hunter (Hard Harry)

We are all humans so lets keep loving each other okay and hey, give someone a hug tomorrow. Who knows it might just make a difference. 

Tuesday...

I am honestly not sure what to write about today. Lately I have been watching the first season of the HBO show "The Newsroom". The show was created by Aaron Sorkin and I find his work very interesting. It is hard for me to quantify it, because while I often find his public persona to be very smug and really just pretty annoying in general, his writing on his shows often touch a chord with me and often it is a very emotional chord. I really do love things that can have that affect on me. I honestly do not care if that effect is good or bad but there needs to be something, otherwise why bother with it. What is the point of watching a show or listening to music or reading a book if there is not some sort of visceral reaction to it?

Lou Reed - Perfect Day

Isn't that the point? Why spend the time with it if there is not some sort of connection? If I wanted to spend my time on something and not have nay kind of emotional response to what I am spending time with I would have a job. It is plenty easy to shut the emotions off and zombie your way through the work day, but honestly, that seems like no way to live and life is hard enough as far as I am concerned if I am going to go through it in a dull zombie state.

Devo - Gut Feeling

Some would argue that emotions are neither good nor bad that they just exist and that we have no control over them. I would agree with that to a point. But I think a life without emotion is no kind of life for me. Sure if the emotion that I am feeling is me walking around in a rage all of the time that is going to be a problem. But, that isn't the kind of emotion that I am talking about. To be sure there are times when I will watch something or read something and I am left angry or enraged though I do not feel rage all that often. I am more likely to feel sadly angry more then anything else as far as emotions in the anger spectrum go.

Brian Eno - Deep Blue Day

I know that there are people who fear feeling emotions because they feel like they are out of control but I think the quickest way to get back in control is to feel that emotion and to ride it through. It may be hard to do for some but to sit down and write it out can be so beneficial. I know that this blog is that for me, there are times as I am writing that I am taken to a pretty dark places but as I write I am walking through those places and I am emerging from that journey in a better place then I was when I started it. As far as I am concerned, if I had never started the journey I would have just sat in it and wallowed in that dark place. The only way for me to get through it is to face it head on and honestly and authentically experience it.

David Bowie - Fame

The reality is that while whatever event I am feeling emotional about is not going to change, I am going to change as I travel through that experience. It feels callous for me to say, but what's done is done and nothing I can do can change that. But what I can change is my response to that event for good or bad. That is the one thing that I may have some sort of control over. I am not claiming that it will be easy or pleasant because it will not be and odd are that it will not be short. I know that for me it has not been and I have no idea when this whole experience is going to be over. Or honestly if it will ever be.

David Bowie - Ashes to Ashes

And part of that process is for me to sit and stare off into space as I try desperately to put the words together on the page to make some sort of sense out of what I am feeling. Or why I am feeling what I am feeling when the SORROW overtakes me. There often seems to be no rhyme or reason for when it happens. Oh sure, there is always the original reason. But there are times when I am not even thinking about the original reason when it happens. Last week I was driving to a friends house for a birthday event and the tears and near panic started to flow. I settled down by the time I had arrived at my location but near as I could tell there was nothing that had triggered the initial emotional response.

The Velvet Underground - The Velvet Underground

In some ways that is the most frustrating thing for me. I find it frustrating because I have always been so in touch with my emotions and to not know exactly why I am weeping or what caused the weeping is extremely annoying and my response has now shifted somewhat to a near panic attack at times and that is a brand new experience for me. So I can find it almost fascinating as I sit outside my body as some sort of glorious third person Buddha and watch myself experience these things. It isn't a pleasant experience at all. But it is also my reality right now and I am not going to deny it or to deny myself this experience. I just can't.