Monday Musings

Today was the first day of my third week of work and it went well. It is nice to be back working and to be on a schedule and I find agreeable. But if I had one concern it is that I am having a hard time figuring out how I can do my writing. I am hoping that Monday afternoon and evenings are going to be a time that I can devote to writing and listening to music and continuing to explore my journey through life on both a physical and emotional level. Now, I realize that this may or may not be interesting to some of you. But, I also realize that as far as I am concerned I need to have the freedom of writing to express myself and that by writing I am able to keep myself sane. Writing allows me to get the voices out of my head and allows me to say things that I am not always able to say and for that I am profoundly grateful. I do not know how people live who are unable to have an outlet like I have.

Pretty Girl from Feltre - The Avett Brothers

Today is March 24th and I am basically dreading the coming of April, I am dreading it because in the middle of April it will be a year since Eric's death. And while I have made some pretty significant strides in dealing with this I am in now way ready to deal with this anniversary and I really honestly do not know how I am going to be able to process it. The very thought of it as I write is bringing tears to my eyes and I do not even feel all that emotional at the present time. But I am can feel them swirling around behind the small blockade that I have thrown up as a weak defense against being overwhelmed by them.

Warning - Black Sabbath

I have noted before that I do not fear my feelings and I have learned to embrace them and to ride them and in some ways bathe in them. That may not be the best way to word it but I am not sure honestly how to word it. I know that it is unhealthy for me to close myself off and to pretend that the pain isn't there and that if I fight against it the pain often lasts longer then it would have if I had just faced it head on and let it overwhelm me for a time. I think that is the strange nature of grief and loss. It can come upon us without warning and then leave again without a trace for a time. But that is just an illusion because there is always a trace. It is in the world around me. It is in the music that I listen too or the books that I read or the television shows that I watch. Or even how I carry myself and respond to certain situations. I am unable to look at my bookcase without seeing a book or two or three or more that Eric either inspired me to read or gave me directly to read. I love those books and I have not regretted ever reading them. Nor have I or will I ever regret reading them.

Only in Your Heart - America

There are films that I have avoided watching since his death. It isn't that I dislike there films. But I am not sure that I am ready to face the feelings that these films are going to bring about in me. They are not good or bad but they are sure to be intense and overwhelming and I am not sure how ready I am for such a thing. I want to say 'What the hell, just face it head on." But I can't. I want too. I want to sit down and watch 'The Royal Tenenbaums' and 'Almost Famous' and 'Fight Club' and other films that remind me of him. But I just can't. I want to so badly and I the idea of it just locks me up and makes my chest tighten with pain.

No one Knows - Queens of the Stone Age

On Saturday night I had my, what I call, my philosophy group. It is more like a fellowship group of some partially like minded thinkers and we discuss all kinds of things. I normally leave the group energized and fed and group was good that night. We did a question can thing that I always enjoy doing. But once it was over I wandered into the coffeehouse and had myself a drink and also ran into two of my good friends. These are two people that always make me feel welcome and also are really good for conversation. So I am always happy to see them. One of them asked how I was doing and I thought about it for a bit and realized that I was feeling rather aimless and basically at a loss. It was a beautiful evening Saturday. The air was still and warm but not too warm and everything was very nice. But I was not feeling nice. I wandered out to my van after saying goodbye and I was really at a loss.

Every Dog Has Its Day - Flogging Molly

I finally decided that the only smart thing too do was to go home. It wasn't like I was going to hurt myself. At least I do not think so. But the air felt almost swollen with anticipation and I do not know what I was expecting but it really felt to me like there something waiting to drop and when it dropped it would overwhelm me and I wasn't sure if that was going to be good or bad. To me the air felt like it does just before a thunder storm is about to hit. I drove home in near tears and by the time I made it into my inner sanctum the tears had begun to flow but I did not know what was driving them. They were just flowing. I tried to do some writing but was unable to achieve anything close to getting out what I was feeling. So I watched some very stupid television. It was Tosh.0 and anyone who is familiar with it knows how stupid it can be. It may not have been the healthiest choice but it allowed me to move beyond the gloom that was hanging over me.

Salty Dog - Flogging Molly

So that being said. I am not sure what was going on. I just do not know. But Sunday was a better day and so was today and now I am writing and that is a good thing. The act of writing just makes me feel better. It helps me to feel like something is coming out even if it is something that doesn't totally make sense to other people. But it works for me and for the moment there is some calm in the storm that swirls inside of me. I will never forget Eric. He will always be with me and I will always love him and I will continue to get tattoos upon my body that remind me of him. That is how I choose to remember him and to honor his life and his memory. He left permanent marks on my life and leaving permanent marks on my skin is how I can remember and honor that.

The Worst Day Since Yesterday - Flogging Molly


 I know that April will be hard for me and I apologize ahead of time if I seem distant and kind of out to lunch. I apologize if my writings are overly emotional and weepy. I am an emotional guy and this is my canvas for processing theses things. Thank you for reading my thoughts and for caring about me. I love all of you and I hope to continue to share my love with you in the months ahead.  So remember, be kind because the journey for all of us is a hard one and please keep on dancing.

Monday...

Some days you wake up and everything seems fine but then there are other days where you wake up and get your coffee and sit down in front of your computer to continue your job search and everything just kind of breaks down. Sometimes all it takes is one thoughtful comment on Facebook and it tips you right over the emotional edge and you didn't even realize that you were on the edge. The main reason because you woke up with that moment of clarity when the reality of life has not been remembered and things seem good. But the reality is that things are not good and you are just putting one foot in front of the other because that is all you know how to do and you know that if you stop moving it will all fall apart.

Battle of Who Could Care Less - Ben Folds Five

Sometimes I wonder what it would be like to be able to not care. I think it would be freeing in some way. No, I am sure it would be freeing to not have this knot inside my belly of worry and pain for how the others are coping with this. To not be taken by surprise by emotions so strong that they leave you nearly doubled up as you try to fight off the sobs that you feel bubbling up inside of you. You have given up telling people that you are fine when they ask because that isn't true. But you are also tired of trying to explain to people why you are not fine and you are tired of seeing their eyes glaze over and you can see how much they regret even asking the question but that doesn't matter because they can't really understand the answer and how you are processing it is so completely different then how anyone else is.

La Villa Strangiato - Rush

Sometimes it is all you can do. It is all you are able to do. To sit and immerse yourself in a video game because then you can have a little bit of that emptiness that you crave. You can have a small break from the constant thinking. Because the thoughts never really stop and if you aren't filling the space around you with some sort of white noise they become overwhelming and the others faces and how much pain they are in pops into your head and flies around you like the specters in a bad horror movie. You are thankful that you are out of work because you do not understand how some of the others are even functioning at this time and wonder if they are able to use work to find their blankness.

Feb 20, 2000 - The Avett Bros

You try to meditate because that has been successful in the past. But you are trying so hard to find that Zen that it has become almost impossible to achieve.You smoke a little pot thinking that will help you to get their. It does not.

Pieces of a Story - Trevor Jones

The only thing that seems to help when you are in the middle of it is to grab someone and hold on to them. Because for some reason the feel their bodies the skin of their skin against yours validates your existence. You do that and you return to your blog because writing it down at least helps you to ride that bubble of grief it helps it to be manageable and it gives it a release and because you know of no other way for you to cope with this.

Turn Turn Turn - The Byrds

That and sometimes the strange randomness of the music can help as well because sometimes the songs seem more appropriate then you realize and you wonder, how random is random.

Am I Not Merciful? - Hans Zimmer

Seriously? How random is random because right now this not feeling random. Damn you Google and your mystical music player. 

Random Music Tuesday

Well it looks like you guys are able to see the videos at least, so lets keep it going.

Complainted'vn Matelot Mourant - The Avett Bro - What a lovely somber song and I believe that the english translation is "Lament of a Dying Sailor" I highly recommend listening to this with some headphones on to fully enjoy the experience.

Just a Little Heat - Black Keys - Feel the grungy blues it makes me think of the film 'Crossroads' with Ralph Macchio and Jaime Gertz. I enjoy everything that the Black Keys do. I also always find it impressive that it is just a duo and they put out such a great wall of sound.

To Be Myself Completely - Belle and Sebastian - This song is speaking to me right now in a way that I really do not want to think about. I do not want to dive into that introspective spiral. It is enough for me to tell you that I love this song and the lyrics say a lot.

Mambo (Dreaming of 4000) - ELO - Oh ELO! I love you and your disco-prog rock sound. You have brought me so much musical joy over the years.

Dan's Silverleaf - The Middle East - I like these. I only have this one album but every time I hear it I enjoy it. I feel like there is a real depth to it and it always bears repeated listening with headphones on to be able to fully get the sound.

Random Music Thursday

Much like Dewey Finn I serve the world by Rockin. So lets get it started.

Celebration Day - Led Zeppelin - Nothing more can be said, but this band rocks. I may not always be in the mood for Led but I am always willing to at least try to get the Led out. 

What Do I Care - Johnny Cash - Mr Cash is always welcome here and I love the sentiment behind this song. "You love me, and I love you. So what do I care." You tell it like it is John.

Time After Time - Ozzy Osbourne - I still have a soft spot after all these years for the love songs of Ozzy. I don't know what it is about them. But I really like his ballads. 

Offering - The Avett Brothers - This is a just plain good band. They are also a band that can have a really emotional effect on me. I like their music so much that at times it is a painful experience for me that speaks of lost love and love never found. 

Jolene - The White Stripes - This is a cover of a Dolly Parton song and they do it so well. The White Stripes are one of my favorite bands and really I can enjoy pretty much everything Jack White has ever done. This live version of Jolene is amazing. 

Friday Random Music Filings

Special random music Friday since I missed yesterdays.

Well this is interesting. I found for the first time in this process a song that is not on YouTube. That song is "Know Who You Are" by Supertramp and it is really a lovely song. I am not sure what to do about that. I would love for you to hear it. So I guess if you have Spotify I would recommend looking it up there. I do not think you will regret it.

Please Pardon Yourself - The Avett Brothers - This is a great band and I generally like all that they have put out with the exception of their big radio single whose name escapes me. But I did not care for that song. But I do not blame them. I blame the studio and the record company. It is pretty much impossible for any band to bat 1000.00%. I mean even David Bowie had "Dancing in the Street"

Which Way is Up - Cause Co Motion - I do not know much about this band and I am not even sure where this came from and why it is even in my collection.

You Won't Make A Fool Out Of Me - Flogging Molly - I enjoy this band greatly. But I have to be in the right frame of mind to fully enjoy their music.

United Kids - CIV - Punk, punk ,punk that is all.

Music Monday (July 17, 2011)

I had a great morning yesterday. For a couple of reasons. It was raining when I woke up and I had some coffee and I had some sweet modern folk or Nu-Acoustic tunes on my playslist. I love waking up to rain. I love opening my window and hearing and smelling the rain and I love doing those while drinking some good coffee and listening to some sweet tunes. So today you get a little taste of how lance spent the morning yesterday.

I do not care if it July. I love a nice summer rain and I love living in Oregon. If you do not like living here, then kindly GTFO. You are not wanted anyway.

The morning got started with this little number by the Avett Brothers. I have really been enjoying these guys lately. The song is called "Tear Down The House".



I know lots of people feel like Bon Iver is, for want of a better word, SUICIDE music but I really like it. I think it is lovely and sets a unique tone. "Wisconsin" is a great song.



Pretty much everyone knows about Mumford & Sons by now. But the song "Timshel" is one that I just love. It goes so well with coffee and rain.



This is a band that I have just kind of stumbled on. They are Fleet Foxes I really enjoy the tone and I love that to me the vocals sound a little like XTC one of my favorite bands. This song is called "Anyone who's anyone".



As happens sometimes when you have your music on shuffle you might get songs from the same band and in this case I do not mind at all. This song is called "Icicle Tusk" and is again by Fleet Foxes.



Oooh I really love this guy, his name is Dallas Green and he plays under the name City and Colour. This is another band that was introduced to me by my friend Jenna and I am really glad she did. The song is called "Day Old Hate".



I seriously do not know what I can say that is even going to do justice to what Iron & Wine do. I love it so much. This song is called "Cinder and Smoke".



Aaaaaah some more Iron and Wine with "Love and Some Verses". So good. If you end up weeping from how lovely this is it is not my fault. I warned you.



This is another one by City and Colour and is called "...off by heart". It is another nice mellow one. It isn't my favorite of the playlist but it popped into the first ten so here it is.



This amazingly lovely and sad song is a cover of a Bonnie Rait song called "I Can't Make You Love Me". This is Bon Iver and his version is absolutely heart breaking. As one of the YouTube commentators said "Excuse me while I cry all over everything."



Well that is it for today folks. The first 10 songs on my Rainy Sunday Morning playlist. I just had a great, great Sunday. I hope that my Monday is just as good and I hoped that my music today helped some of you have a great day as well. As a little bonus for those of you who followed this all the way through here is an XTC song in case you were not aware of who they were. The song is called "Dear God"

Music Monday: Rock Operas

I love music. I love music far more then most of my friends realize though there are some who do know how much I love to listen to music and the way in which good music affects me. One of the types of music I love is that of a concept album or in some cases a rock opera. Now I realize that there are some people who would contend that the whole idea of a rock opera is just silly and that most if not all rock operas are shite. I disagree and I am here to shed some light on the rock operas or concept albums that are my favorites of the genre.



One of my favorite all time albums is from 1972 and David Bowies "The Rise and Fall of Ziggy Stardust and the Spiders from Mars". This is an album that has no weak songs on it. I think every song could have been a top single. True David Bowie is a freak but he was an incredibly talented freak and when people get all worked up about Lady Gaga I just think take a look at Ziggy Stardust and you will see and hear something truly amazing. This album is in my top 10 of all time albums regardless of genre.



OMG!!!! I love this band The Decembrists and this album "The Hazards of Love" so much. I can't say enough about how amazing this concept album is.
How could you ever pass up such an amazing story and an album that is filled with mind blowing music. If you need to hear the whole thing please let me know and I will do what I can to get you a copy.



I could go on and on about both The Who and "Quadrophenia" the album that basically blew the mind of a young high school lad. This album and film probably affected me more then anything in my life until "Fight Club" came along. This is another album that is in my top 10 regardless of genre. I do not believe that there is a weak song on this one either. I also feel that this album in it's entirety is far better album then The Who's Tommy.



Willie Nelson and The Red Headed Stranger pretty much speak for themselves. This is an album that is perfect for grabbing a pipeful of longbottom leaf leaning back and closing your eyes and giving this a listen.

And finally, for my buddy Shane I need to give him the genius that is Genesis and a track from The Lamb Lies Down On Broadway. I know Shane is a big, big fan of Genesis.




Well there you have it folks. Those are some of what I feel are the best Rock Operas or concept albums ever. I am sure there are others out there but these are the ones that I enjoy. (I purposely left out Pink Floyd and The Wall)

Wait! Wait! Wait! I couldn't just leave without giving you a taste of The Avett Brothers (pronounce it how you want) and their concept album "Mignonette" about some English Sailors and how they eat a shipmate.