Monday Musings

Today was the first day of my third week of work and it went well. It is nice to be back working and to be on a schedule and I find agreeable. But if I had one concern it is that I am having a hard time figuring out how I can do my writing. I am hoping that Monday afternoon and evenings are going to be a time that I can devote to writing and listening to music and continuing to explore my journey through life on both a physical and emotional level. Now, I realize that this may or may not be interesting to some of you. But, I also realize that as far as I am concerned I need to have the freedom of writing to express myself and that by writing I am able to keep myself sane. Writing allows me to get the voices out of my head and allows me to say things that I am not always able to say and for that I am profoundly grateful. I do not know how people live who are unable to have an outlet like I have.

Pretty Girl from Feltre - The Avett Brothers

Today is March 24th and I am basically dreading the coming of April, I am dreading it because in the middle of April it will be a year since Eric's death. And while I have made some pretty significant strides in dealing with this I am in now way ready to deal with this anniversary and I really honestly do not know how I am going to be able to process it. The very thought of it as I write is bringing tears to my eyes and I do not even feel all that emotional at the present time. But I am can feel them swirling around behind the small blockade that I have thrown up as a weak defense against being overwhelmed by them.

Warning - Black Sabbath

I have noted before that I do not fear my feelings and I have learned to embrace them and to ride them and in some ways bathe in them. That may not be the best way to word it but I am not sure honestly how to word it. I know that it is unhealthy for me to close myself off and to pretend that the pain isn't there and that if I fight against it the pain often lasts longer then it would have if I had just faced it head on and let it overwhelm me for a time. I think that is the strange nature of grief and loss. It can come upon us without warning and then leave again without a trace for a time. But that is just an illusion because there is always a trace. It is in the world around me. It is in the music that I listen too or the books that I read or the television shows that I watch. Or even how I carry myself and respond to certain situations. I am unable to look at my bookcase without seeing a book or two or three or more that Eric either inspired me to read or gave me directly to read. I love those books and I have not regretted ever reading them. Nor have I or will I ever regret reading them.

Only in Your Heart - America

There are films that I have avoided watching since his death. It isn't that I dislike there films. But I am not sure that I am ready to face the feelings that these films are going to bring about in me. They are not good or bad but they are sure to be intense and overwhelming and I am not sure how ready I am for such a thing. I want to say 'What the hell, just face it head on." But I can't. I want too. I want to sit down and watch 'The Royal Tenenbaums' and 'Almost Famous' and 'Fight Club' and other films that remind me of him. But I just can't. I want to so badly and I the idea of it just locks me up and makes my chest tighten with pain.

No one Knows - Queens of the Stone Age

On Saturday night I had my, what I call, my philosophy group. It is more like a fellowship group of some partially like minded thinkers and we discuss all kinds of things. I normally leave the group energized and fed and group was good that night. We did a question can thing that I always enjoy doing. But once it was over I wandered into the coffeehouse and had myself a drink and also ran into two of my good friends. These are two people that always make me feel welcome and also are really good for conversation. So I am always happy to see them. One of them asked how I was doing and I thought about it for a bit and realized that I was feeling rather aimless and basically at a loss. It was a beautiful evening Saturday. The air was still and warm but not too warm and everything was very nice. But I was not feeling nice. I wandered out to my van after saying goodbye and I was really at a loss.

Every Dog Has Its Day - Flogging Molly

I finally decided that the only smart thing too do was to go home. It wasn't like I was going to hurt myself. At least I do not think so. But the air felt almost swollen with anticipation and I do not know what I was expecting but it really felt to me like there something waiting to drop and when it dropped it would overwhelm me and I wasn't sure if that was going to be good or bad. To me the air felt like it does just before a thunder storm is about to hit. I drove home in near tears and by the time I made it into my inner sanctum the tears had begun to flow but I did not know what was driving them. They were just flowing. I tried to do some writing but was unable to achieve anything close to getting out what I was feeling. So I watched some very stupid television. It was Tosh.0 and anyone who is familiar with it knows how stupid it can be. It may not have been the healthiest choice but it allowed me to move beyond the gloom that was hanging over me.

Salty Dog - Flogging Molly

So that being said. I am not sure what was going on. I just do not know. But Sunday was a better day and so was today and now I am writing and that is a good thing. The act of writing just makes me feel better. It helps me to feel like something is coming out even if it is something that doesn't totally make sense to other people. But it works for me and for the moment there is some calm in the storm that swirls inside of me. I will never forget Eric. He will always be with me and I will always love him and I will continue to get tattoos upon my body that remind me of him. That is how I choose to remember him and to honor his life and his memory. He left permanent marks on my life and leaving permanent marks on my skin is how I can remember and honor that.

The Worst Day Since Yesterday - Flogging Molly


 I know that April will be hard for me and I apologize ahead of time if I seem distant and kind of out to lunch. I apologize if my writings are overly emotional and weepy. I am an emotional guy and this is my canvas for processing theses things. Thank you for reading my thoughts and for caring about me. I love all of you and I hope to continue to share my love with you in the months ahead.  So remember, be kind because the journey for all of us is a hard one and please keep on dancing.

Monday Music and Musings

Good Monday to you my friends....

Analog Kid - Rush

This is a classic Rush song and one that I always enjoy. Though to be fair I have to admit that I enjoyed Rush more when I unaware of the political leanings of their main lyricist N. Peart. I suppose I should be charitable because of his age when he wrote most of their music. But anyway this is still a pretty great song. 

  I hope the day is finding you well and that you are recovering for yesterdays festivities. I know that often the Super Bowl is the most watched even of the entire year. I would love to see a study done as to how many people miss the Monday after the big game. I suspect that the offices in most of greater Seattle are going to be pretty empty today. I would imagine that a good chunk of Denver will be empty as well but probably out of sadness rather then recovery from the happiness. I have watched nearly all the Super Bowls since I was 10 or 11 and I can't recall anything ever being that bad. I was shocked. I don't Seattle is that good but I never thought of Denver as bad either.

Magic - Ben Folds Five

A great song by the Ben Folds Five. I love basically everything Ben Folds and the Ben Folds Five has ever done. 

So I suppose I should address something that happened yesterday that for me was far more impacting than anything that happened in the Super Bowl and that was the death of Philip Seymour Hoffman. It isn't unusual for me to get emotional about something. I am not afraid to show my emotions. I wear them on my sleeve and my open face and anyone who knows me knows that over the stretch of time they are going to see me either laugh loudly and openly and they will see me with tears in my eyes. This is the reality of my being.

Rod Stewart - Maggie May

I do not listen to a lot of Rod Stewart and this song is coming from a film soundtrack. I believe it is Almost Famous. But it is a great song. I really should check out the rest of his music because I do love this song.

But, while I am emotional I usually do not react to the deaths of famous people that I do not know. I just never have. I am not sure why. I suppose on some logical level I never knew them and they did not know me and so why get worked up about it. But it wasn't like I was making a choice to not be emotional of these events I just wasn't. What was odd about yesterday was as news began to pop up on Facebook and different people begin sharing links to news articles about Philip Seymour Hoffman being found I began to find myself getting sad.

The Angels Are Singing In Heaven Tonight - Ralph Stanley II

A great bluegrass number and a nice thought. 


I cried for the death of a very talented man and I cried at the memories I have of his many wonderful performances and of the many films that he has been in that have been a big part of my life as a lover of cinema. I am not going to speculate as to the nature of his death. We all have demons and we all handle them in different ways. But I am saddened by and I miss him. It is very hard for me to pin down a favorite film or performance of his that I liked better than any others but I think that for me my top 5 Philip Seymour Hoffman performances in now real particular order are.

Almost Famous

The Big Lebowski

Pirate Radio

The Master

Magnolia

There are many more but for me those are the performances that I think of when I think of him and his acting. I am sad that he is gone and I will be revisiting these films again soon.

I do not know what else to say. It may be uncool of me to be sad about this and so be it. I am going to sit her and be uncool. I think I am in pretty good company.

See you tomorrow. 

Men At Work Monday

Today is Monday and I hope you like Men at Work because that is all you are going to be getting today. As I was trying to decide what it is that I wanted to play for you today, it occurred to me that I wish there was a way for my Google play to sort my music by the year in which the album or song was released. Alas, that is not a possibility but you never know what may occur in the future. But once I had moved past the pain of that I thought, well it has been a long while since I had listened to Men at Work so why not devote the day to them. It is Monday and Men At Work Monday sounds pretty cool. So there you go.

Men At Work - Who Can It Be Now

The very first album that I remember getting was Men At Work's "Cargo". This was in grade school or Junior High which is now called Middle School and I won it because of a contest selling newspaper subscriptions to the Statesman Journal. In fact delivering papers was probably my first real job. It wasn't a job I was particularly good at or even enjoyed and there was a couple of apartment complexes in my neighborhood that would routinely rip me off when it came time to collect for the month.

Men At Work - Down Under

In those day you didn't get a monthly bill for the paper. The paper boy would show up at your house and present you with a bill and you would either write me a check or pay cash. But people in the apartments would always be moving out on me and that would leave me having too foot the bill. Sometimes it was my fault because I just wouldn't see the papers piling up outside of their apartment. If it was a second floor unit I would usually wing the paper up at the door from the parking lot below. I got pretty good at the old hook shot that way.

Men At Work - Underground

But once I hit High School I began to fall asleep in class and I think my parents decided that I should stop getting up so early and that was it for having a job in High School. Not that not having a job helped my grades any, because it did not. I was too busy chatting with my friends and not really paying any kind of attention at all for any of that to matter. Either it was very easy for me and I just figured it out without any sort of effort or I just would rather not even be involved in the class at all. I just didn't feel the need ofr any kind of focus or effort. Which I suppose is pretty typical of a fair amount of students. I don't feel like I was unique or anything.

Men At Work - I like to live

I have always enjoyed this band. There is just something about them that made listening to them an enjoyable experience. I think they were basically the first big band out of Australia as well and I thought that was pretty cool. I think I always felt that everything out of Australia was some sort of magical thing. It was like some sort of far off distant fairy land that had Dingos and Tasmanian Devils and Mel Gibson. I felt that way about Midnight Oil as well and INXS, though not as much for INXS.

Men At Work - High Wire

I made it to Australia eventually and I found out that it was a pretty magical place. The people seemed very friendly and the ladies were very attractive and friendly. It was a great experience and one that I hope to have again. Though the cost of such an endeavor does make that something that seems very likely. But you never know. If my Powerball retirement plan would ever kick in then things would be totally fine. Do not worry folks. I will be generous.

Men At Work - Dr Heckyll And Mr. Jive

I hope you enjoyed the trip down memory lane and the music today. Catch you later.

Monday Musings

When I go to the coffee shop, I usually am there for the most important reason and that is too drink coffee. But, I also enjoy saying hello to a few people and sitting quietly in my usual corner spot listening to all of Salems' movers and shakers talk about how important they are. I don't like to be super cynical about people but there are mornings where I want to just grab people by the scruff of their neck and shake them and say 'THE WORLD DOESN'T REVOLVE AROUND YOU!!!" 

But, I like the coffee here and I don't want to be kicked out so I do not do that. As I sat down today with my Americano and muffin I was a little leery because of the two, one much older and the other slightly older then me, gentlemen who were sitting nearby. As far as I am concerned those are the worst too sit by because they seem to feel like they know everything and there is always something to complain about. It just doesn't seem to matter too them. There could be money dropping from the sky and there would obviously be a better way to do it and they are the only ones that know how and people today are just lazy and blah and blah and blah...on and on and on. 

Anyone who knows me also knows that I am not a morning person and I do not do well until I have had my morning hook up. Until then I would really rather be left alone. I don't want to talk to you. I do not care to know who you are or how your day is going. I do not want to discuss the weather or politics or tell you what I am working on. I want to be left alone!! I am not your friend or buddy. You don't know me!! Leave me alone to nurse my addiction. Yes!! I realize I am dependent upon it too function!! NO THAT DOESN'T BOTHER ME!! ...Oh I am sorry was I yelling.  (sigh) There are days when I long for the future so that I can put a privacy cone around myself and be able to sit in peace. That way I can watch people but their personal conversations do not intrude on my existence. To me that would be nice and peaceful. Then I can nod a greeting and make eye contact if I want too. But I also do not have to hear every little thing about whatever it is they have going on. 

Well, I seem to have lost my thread a little bit there. Wow, in the time that I was off writing away up there, those two men I was writing about earlier are still just talking away. So far their conversation has ranged from how expensive a refill is for coffee here to how rude people are today and how they do not talk to each other like they used too or listen to each other. Then it went to politics and finally it wrapped up with a little football talk. Ahhh finally they are gone. Good. Oh!! Yeah!! That is what got me started. One of the men looks over as I sat down with my Americano and muffin and was all "What you working on? Writing a novel?" How dare he ask a civil question of me? Can't he see that I am a junkie looking for a fix? I don't do small talk, Sir. Good day! I said good day. 

Cobwebs in the Brain

Sometimes Mondays are the hardest days to get moving. Today was one of those days. I made it out of bed but I had slept through my alarm and while my brain may have decided that I needed that extra sleep, I did not agree to that and I do not like it when my body and brain conspire against my wishes. I would much prefer it if I could only sleep a couple of hours a night. I know it is healthier for the body and the mind to get 8 hours or more of sleep a night but I never seem to make that anyway so why not break it down to 2 or 3. I wonder if I could train myself to subsist on that and how long it would be until I went mental from that. When I am feeling foggy on mornings like this one of the things I like to do is to listen to an upbeat song and that sometimes clears the cobwebs from the old noggin. Today was one of those days and I needed this song to get my going. The artist is a Korean gentleman name PSY and the song is super hot right now.