Monday Musings

Today was the first day of my third week of work and it went well. It is nice to be back working and to be on a schedule and I find agreeable. But if I had one concern it is that I am having a hard time figuring out how I can do my writing. I am hoping that Monday afternoon and evenings are going to be a time that I can devote to writing and listening to music and continuing to explore my journey through life on both a physical and emotional level. Now, I realize that this may or may not be interesting to some of you. But, I also realize that as far as I am concerned I need to have the freedom of writing to express myself and that by writing I am able to keep myself sane. Writing allows me to get the voices out of my head and allows me to say things that I am not always able to say and for that I am profoundly grateful. I do not know how people live who are unable to have an outlet like I have.

Pretty Girl from Feltre - The Avett Brothers

Today is March 24th and I am basically dreading the coming of April, I am dreading it because in the middle of April it will be a year since Eric's death. And while I have made some pretty significant strides in dealing with this I am in now way ready to deal with this anniversary and I really honestly do not know how I am going to be able to process it. The very thought of it as I write is bringing tears to my eyes and I do not even feel all that emotional at the present time. But I am can feel them swirling around behind the small blockade that I have thrown up as a weak defense against being overwhelmed by them.

Warning - Black Sabbath

I have noted before that I do not fear my feelings and I have learned to embrace them and to ride them and in some ways bathe in them. That may not be the best way to word it but I am not sure honestly how to word it. I know that it is unhealthy for me to close myself off and to pretend that the pain isn't there and that if I fight against it the pain often lasts longer then it would have if I had just faced it head on and let it overwhelm me for a time. I think that is the strange nature of grief and loss. It can come upon us without warning and then leave again without a trace for a time. But that is just an illusion because there is always a trace. It is in the world around me. It is in the music that I listen too or the books that I read or the television shows that I watch. Or even how I carry myself and respond to certain situations. I am unable to look at my bookcase without seeing a book or two or three or more that Eric either inspired me to read or gave me directly to read. I love those books and I have not regretted ever reading them. Nor have I or will I ever regret reading them.

Only in Your Heart - America

There are films that I have avoided watching since his death. It isn't that I dislike there films. But I am not sure that I am ready to face the feelings that these films are going to bring about in me. They are not good or bad but they are sure to be intense and overwhelming and I am not sure how ready I am for such a thing. I want to say 'What the hell, just face it head on." But I can't. I want too. I want to sit down and watch 'The Royal Tenenbaums' and 'Almost Famous' and 'Fight Club' and other films that remind me of him. But I just can't. I want to so badly and I the idea of it just locks me up and makes my chest tighten with pain.

No one Knows - Queens of the Stone Age

On Saturday night I had my, what I call, my philosophy group. It is more like a fellowship group of some partially like minded thinkers and we discuss all kinds of things. I normally leave the group energized and fed and group was good that night. We did a question can thing that I always enjoy doing. But once it was over I wandered into the coffeehouse and had myself a drink and also ran into two of my good friends. These are two people that always make me feel welcome and also are really good for conversation. So I am always happy to see them. One of them asked how I was doing and I thought about it for a bit and realized that I was feeling rather aimless and basically at a loss. It was a beautiful evening Saturday. The air was still and warm but not too warm and everything was very nice. But I was not feeling nice. I wandered out to my van after saying goodbye and I was really at a loss.

Every Dog Has Its Day - Flogging Molly

I finally decided that the only smart thing too do was to go home. It wasn't like I was going to hurt myself. At least I do not think so. But the air felt almost swollen with anticipation and I do not know what I was expecting but it really felt to me like there something waiting to drop and when it dropped it would overwhelm me and I wasn't sure if that was going to be good or bad. To me the air felt like it does just before a thunder storm is about to hit. I drove home in near tears and by the time I made it into my inner sanctum the tears had begun to flow but I did not know what was driving them. They were just flowing. I tried to do some writing but was unable to achieve anything close to getting out what I was feeling. So I watched some very stupid television. It was Tosh.0 and anyone who is familiar with it knows how stupid it can be. It may not have been the healthiest choice but it allowed me to move beyond the gloom that was hanging over me.

Salty Dog - Flogging Molly

So that being said. I am not sure what was going on. I just do not know. But Sunday was a better day and so was today and now I am writing and that is a good thing. The act of writing just makes me feel better. It helps me to feel like something is coming out even if it is something that doesn't totally make sense to other people. But it works for me and for the moment there is some calm in the storm that swirls inside of me. I will never forget Eric. He will always be with me and I will always love him and I will continue to get tattoos upon my body that remind me of him. That is how I choose to remember him and to honor his life and his memory. He left permanent marks on my life and leaving permanent marks on my skin is how I can remember and honor that.

The Worst Day Since Yesterday - Flogging Molly


 I know that April will be hard for me and I apologize ahead of time if I seem distant and kind of out to lunch. I apologize if my writings are overly emotional and weepy. I am an emotional guy and this is my canvas for processing theses things. Thank you for reading my thoughts and for caring about me. I love all of you and I hope to continue to share my love with you in the months ahead.  So remember, be kind because the journey for all of us is a hard one and please keep on dancing.

Thursday Thirsty?

Good morning folks. I hope today finds you well. I am doing pretty good myself, I realize that I haven't written much lately but that is often the case for me when I am feeling pretty good. I think just knowing that there is a job coming up in the future has allowed some significant peace of mind. It isn't like my money issues have changed in fact in some ways they have gotten worse since I have literally no income at all. But, knowing that I will have an income just makes a world of difference. 

Red Sector A - Rush

Blah, blah, blah, Rush....prog rock. Blah Blah

I know that some of my readers come here from Facebook and I know that a few weeks ago on Valentines day I posted a picture of my new girlfriend and for the story that I am going to tell you today I suppose I should share that picture again. 

Now contained within that picture are two things that I love very much, actually three. The Portland Timbers. Whiskey and Flogging Molly. This story involves two of those three things. Though I may add a Flogging Molly song for your listening pleasure later. Aw, hell, forget later how about right now. 

Devil's Dance Floor - Flogging Molly

Music

So, back to the beginning. I have always had an interesting relationship with alcohol. I never drank much before I was twenty-one. In fact now that I am past that age I do not drink all that much now. I would say that I drink alcohol of some sort about two or three times a month and often that depends on what is going on. This month for example, today is the 27th, I had two different beers and some samples last Saturday but up until then I had not had anything to drink other than a glass of whisky the week before. By glass I mean two fingers and some ice. I am telling you this to highlight that fact that while I enjoy a good drink and I enjoy getting a good buzz on I can take it or leave it as far as alcohol goes. In fact the only thing that I drink regularly is coffee. Glorious, glorious, coffee. The nectar of the Gods. 

Concrete Jungle - Special Beat 

Ska members of The Specials and The English Beat

So when I choose to drink alcohol I do it because there is a party going on or because I think it will be fun or funny. I own two different flasks and depending on the situation I may bring one along. But I am very careful about getting very drunk or out of control in public. It is just not who I am. I was raised by very non drinking parents and I am sure that the shame that it would bring upon them has been enough to keep me in line for years. Some lessons stick with you forever I suppose. Anyway. So, last night was a Timbers match and I thought it would be both fun and give me a story to tell if I brought my flask of Jameson along to share with a couple of the guys that I sit near at the matches. 

My Michelle - Guns N Roses

Metal

So, as you can see, taking my flask along is not a regular occurrence for me but I do bring it along now and then depending on my mood or the situation. So last night I have my flask and off to the stadium Nick and I go. We get there and head into our section and I see the fellows that I mentioned before. I stop by the first guy and offer him a pull, he thanks me graciously and he takes one and I head to my seat. Once there I slide the flask back over my shoulder to the guy that sits behind me and he thanks me and takes a quick one as well and then hands it back to me. I sit for a moment and yell at some of the other teams players on the pitch. Nothing to loud or out of control and no profanity was used. It was pretty typical heckling for me. I then took a swig from my flask. One drink that was all and not a full one. Perhaps a wee mouthful.

Suzanne - Leonard Cohen

Heartbreakingly beautiful song.

A moment later there is an usher standing in front of me and he asks if he can talk to me out on the concourse. I question him for a moment but I was already sure that the battle was lost and rather than cause a ruckus I get up and head for the top of the stairs. Once I get out there I realize that I am dealing with two or three ushers and some sort of alcohol compliance officer and two policeman. The first thing that I say to the compliance officer is "Are the police really needed for this?" He assures me that they are not there for me but of course they stand there the whole time. I am sure just in case I am some sort of threat to the good of all. Again I was not drunk in anyway and would have passed any and all intoxication tests. 

Humans Remain Human Remains - Red Fang

Metal

I will skip all of the conversation and move to me being escorted from the stadium. Now I get it. I hadn't really thought about it. But the stadium and I suppose the Timbers have a policy against outside booze. But and I realize that I may very well be nitpicking here, had I been buying my beer or liquor in the stadium and been sitting drunk as hell and yelling profanities at the other team and referees. I would not have been made to leave. Because I had spent my money there. But, because I dared to bring in outside liquid, I believe eight ounces worth, perhaps ten. I was asked to leave. A season ticket holder for nearly six years with no other problems on my record at the stadium. I have never once been drunk at a match or been warned or complained about. I have never been asked to leave and have always been a good citizen of the Timbers Army. But despite all of that. They have a "no tolerance" policy when it comes to bringing a flask in. 

It's All Over Now - Grateful Dead

Hippies

I will be back at the stadium on Saturday. I was banned for just the one match and that is good I suppose. But it does bug me because I would have gladly given them my flask or poured it out and even taken a ticket and then gone back to watch the rest of the match with no problems. But I was not even offered that as an option. It went from a fun evening to kind of a lame drive back to Salem. I am just lucky that Nick is so forgiving of my stupidity. He has been a good friend for a longtime. My sad, sad story aside I feel like it is time for the Timbers to perhaps rethink their alcohol policy and maybe take things on a case by case basis rather than treating all of us the same and perhaps if I would have wanted to push things up the ladder I might have been able to talk to a manager or something who could have given me some flexibility as far as things went. But I chose not too. I also chose not to scream and shout and case a scene and that could have easily happened as well. But I chose to behave decently about everything. That is my story and you may or may not agree with me and that is fine. I will be attending the rest of the matches this season and perhaps some away ones as well and my flask will be staying at home. The lesson was learned. Though I think the rules need to be changed I am not going to be taking up that fight. Thanks for listening. Now if you'll excuse me, I need to go to my quiet place and dance my pain and shame away. 

 

Thursday Music Mix

Welcome back to this post holiday Thursday that feels like a Monday. It is nothing special. I have always felt that the days following the Christmas and New Years Holidays are odd ones. They just sit there all alone and in this case it feels odd because it is a Thursday and just sits there ahead of the weekend.

Turn The Page - Rush

Well this is a nice treat. I like Rush but I haven't listened to them much lately. They are always worth listening too as far as I am concerned though I should probably give their newer stuff a listen too now and then.

Then or Than? A pair of words and spellings that I am pretty sure I use incorrectly. I am pretty sure that the correct way to use both of them has been explained to me and I for the life of me have the hardest time doing it. There are times when I feel bad about that but most of the time I really don't. I have never been all that hung up about grammar which I am sure is a gross failing on my part.

Cat's Squirrel - Jethro Tull

This is a nice little treat. Almost jazz like in its meanderings across the musical soundscape with a little blues thrown in for good measure. I really like it.

But, back to the matter at hand. I do not mind being corrected when I miss use words or use them incorrectly. But I would rather that I was corrected in a polite and private manner. To me that is the way things need to be done in a civil society. There are a few and really it is a sad few who feel the need to correct people in a public way on the many public forums that people of today use to communicate with each other on the internet. Often Facebook feels like a minefield rather, then or than, a place for people to communicate or entertain each other.

Marathon - Rush

It looks like the music player has locked into some prog rock what with two by Rush and one by Jethro Tull. We shall see what the future holds.

Back to Facebook. I like Facebook but there are times when it feels like the town square is full of crazies and each one is standing on their soapbox and trying to shout over the top of all of the other crazies. You may have one guy talking about a movie that he liked or didn't like. While in another corner you have some jackass screaming about some pizza company and their television commercials that he finds totally annoying. It would actually be okay if it was just that but it isn't, instead the people who disagree with the soap boxers engage with them by using often their only tools which are ridicule and abuse. It is hard to have reasoned debate on Facebook and often, I suspect, reasoned debate is not the goal and that is sad.

Whistles The Wind - Flogging Molly

Well, the blackness came on quickly. Flogging Molly was a special band to me and my friend Eric and now Eric is gone and he is not coming back. His life is gone and I will not be listening too or seeing this band with him ever again and that makes me sad. I miss you brother.

Touch - Daft Punk

This is a really good album, There are some great songs on it.

Reasoned debate? Is that really a thing? Has reasoned debate ever really existed? I would like to think that it did but I also think that I am probably wrong about that. Information travels so fast now that people rarely take the time to think about what they are saying before they send off a response and I think in the times before the internet the sheer amount of time it took to respond just allowed people to cool down. Taking some time to respond is not a bad thing. I lost a job once because of a quickly worded snappy email. I was totally out of line. So it doesn't bother me all that much now but at the time it was pretty upsetting.

Edge Of The Universe - Bee Gees

This is a live track and a pretty good one. Though I am not sure about its place in the earlier songs in this mix. It is nice though.

Dark Paradise - Lana Del Rey

Wow. This is a sad song. I have not really listened to the lyrics before. Ouch.

Well, I am going to leave you folks on that somber note. Hang in there today and love each other okay.

Music Monday

Good Monday to you brethren. I decided that we are going to keep it going with the Alternative Music Genre as decided by the Google music machine. So here we go.

Sister, Do You Know My Name - The White Stripes

 I can honestly say that this is a band that I always enjoy hearing. I really do not think that there is a song that The White Stripes did that I enjoy listening too. Some are more loud and ruckus then others and some are more bluesey but all are just plain worth listening too.

Black Girls - Violent Femmes

Nice, nice, nice. This is another band that I always enjoy listening to and the overall history of the band is one that is very interesting as well. I hope that the song causes you to look them up. I do not think that you will be disappointed at all. There are some very sweet drums and cowbell in this song as well.

What's Left of the Flag - Flogging Molly

This is a band that I very much enjoy and a band that brings back some great memories of some very good times with friends seeing them perform. I watched them live many, many times and they have never ever disappointed.

The Likes of You Again - Flogging Molly

I need to dedicate this to my friend Eric. That is all that needs to be said. Eric, you are forever missed.

Apple Blossom - The White Stripes

A great song, just flows so smoothly.

Grey Day - Madness

Yes, Yes, Yes. Some classic 2nd wave ska. Madness is one of the great ones and this is one of their great songs and one that is pretty appropriate for me at times. Regardless I love it.

Well that is it for me. I hope you folks enjoyed the music today and the rest of your day goes well.

Musical Wanderings

I was really not sure what I wanted to listen and to share with you today. So lets put the musical machine on random and see what pops up shall we...

But before we get to that, it is a grey morning and if I didn't know any better I would think it was Nov, the only difference is that it is to warm for that. I am hoping that it will burn off and while I do not like it super hot I do like it when there are some blue skies and some sunshine out there. So heres to hoping.

Laird Baird - Charlie Parker

Oh this is kind of nice. Opening things up with a little bit of jazz this morning and some jazz from one of the masters. I have grown to like jazz more and more in the last few years. I am not sure if that is a sign of maturity or if my tastes have just gotten better. Either way I am enjoying listening to some of the greats.

Queen Anne's Revenge - Flogging Molly

This is one of my favorite bands and they have been a part of some great memories for me. One of which is seeing them with the Maestro and Eric and I will always remember and hold on to that as one of my favorite musical memories in a long line of amazing musical memories. I miss you Eric.

Hold On To What You Believe - Mumford and Sons

Well things seem to have taken a somber turn, but that is okay with me because today seems kind of like a somber day all things considered. I do enjoy this song and this band a lot and I honestly do not care if they wear vests all of the time or are to hipster for some. I just plain enjoy the sound of their music and if I sound defensive about it then so be. If you don't like it then jog on. pfffffft

Let Me Put My Love Into You - AC/DC

I love it. Nothing puts a bigger smile on my face then when some classic AC/DC pops up. I have lots of them in the player but I rarely pick them to listen to. I am not sure why that is. Because whenever they pop up on random I am thrilled by it. The very first air band I was in was in grade school and we did an AC/DC song. "Back in Black" I believe was the song and we rocked it so hard. I remember cutting out a guitar outline or tracing it from a Sears catalogue so that I could have a cardboard cut out to play for the show.

Insert Supertramp song here that I was unable to find a video for. No big loss and we are just going to move on.

Hard As A Rock - ACDC

Oh my we are doublin down on the AC/DC this morning but sadly this song is no where near as cool as the earlier one. As the band as gotten older the voice of the lead singer has gotten worse and worse and it really was not all that good to begin with. Now the chugging guitar and the drums and the antic of Angus Young are still just fine. But the vocals are pretty rough. It might be time to pull a Judas Priest and bring on a new younger singer. Hmmmm I wonder if Justin Bieber would be interested?

Underground - Men At Work

Nice back to back from the Aussies. I really do like Men At Work and this is a nice treat for me to hear as well. I may need to do some more listening to them today. I also like that this is a deeper cut from the album.

That is it for now folks. You guys have a great day if possible and keep on rockin!

Random Music Thursday

Got to keep on rockin,

Gods of War - Manowar - This band never fails to amuse me. I love the epic over the top nature of their metal and I always picture Conan the Barbarian riding his horse while this music blares out around him.

Keep on stirring that soup Conan, you live forever in my heart.

Somebody Hates Me - Reel Big Fish - 3rd wave ska and a band that had moderate success as part of that fad. I am not ashamed that I liked their sound and I did see them in concert. I took a girl who had dated the band's drummer at the time and we got in for free and got backstage. But sadly I am unable to remember her name.

The Crowd - Operation Ivy - I like this version of ska punk but after Op Ivy I really did not care for anything that they did. Though I will listen to this stuff again and again. Good solid ska punk.

Salty Dog - Flogging Molly - There is nothing better then seeing this band live and seeing the crowd be heavily into them. They put on a very good live show and one that I have enjoyed experiencing several times.

Stay - Savatage- Another one of my favorite epic metal bands. They have never been super popular but I really like their sound and the album that this song comes off of 'Wake of Magellan' is a very good one.


Well I really enjoyed the mix of epic metal and punk rock on today's mix. I hope that my readers did as well. 

Friday Random Music Filings

Special random music Friday since I missed yesterdays.

Well this is interesting. I found for the first time in this process a song that is not on YouTube. That song is "Know Who You Are" by Supertramp and it is really a lovely song. I am not sure what to do about that. I would love for you to hear it. So I guess if you have Spotify I would recommend looking it up there. I do not think you will regret it.

Please Pardon Yourself - The Avett Brothers - This is a great band and I generally like all that they have put out with the exception of their big radio single whose name escapes me. But I did not care for that song. But I do not blame them. I blame the studio and the record company. It is pretty much impossible for any band to bat 1000.00%. I mean even David Bowie had "Dancing in the Street"

Which Way is Up - Cause Co Motion - I do not know much about this band and I am not even sure where this came from and why it is even in my collection.

You Won't Make A Fool Out Of Me - Flogging Molly - I enjoy this band greatly. But I have to be in the right frame of mind to fully enjoy their music.

United Kids - CIV - Punk, punk ,punk that is all.

More Music (Flogging Molly)

Sorry about the lack of a post yesterday folks. The Mumford & Sons concert kind of wiped me out and I just wasn't feeling the Celtic punk rock.

I first saw this band play live at the Gorge amphitheater during one of the first Warped tour shows. They were playing on one of the small stages at about 3 in the afternoon and they put on an amazing show. They are still going strong and if you get a chance to see them play live then do it. They are Flogging Molly. Why don't we give them a listen.

"The Devil's Dance Floor" This is from their first album.



"The Likes of You Again"



To hear more look them up. They are good. But I am not in the mood for their aggro today.