Merry Christmas?

Merry Christmas. Is that what it is? I feel like I am supposed to be excited about Christmas and all of the fun and family adventures that it brings. But in reality I am really having a hard time feeling excited about it this year. Oh I could give you a list of all the reasons that I have not to be excited about a (holiday?) that seems to bring out the worst of consumerism in everyone and seems to bring all kinds of family issues to the forefront for so many people. But that isn't really the point is it and I suppose I might feel a little bit different if I had children around me who were excited about this time of year.

So believe me when I tell you that I get it. I get that I am perhaps being a little bit silly and perhaps wallowing in my being alone. So to speak. I do not mind being alone. I enjoy it for the most part and it is a life that I have pretty much actively  chosen. I also realize that I am not actually alone. I do have friends and family and friends that are like family around me. But there are times when that doesn't seem to be enough. There are people who are not around anymore and who will never be around and I miss them. I also realize that missing them is not going to bring them back to me and that feeling sad about missing them is where a lot of the pain is coming from. I am actively working on trying to be more Buddhist in my daily life. I meditate and try to be more mindful of things and to live in the present. But it is not that simple at times.

I suppose it is the normal cycle of things to feel like one is doing well and then to feel like one is doing poorly and to feel like the world is closing in around them. I know that this is probably the first year in several years if not my entire life that the darkness of the winter in the pacific northwest is getting to me. I am feeling the gloom of the dark and rainy days. I am finally understanding what some of my friends talk about when they talk about how bad the weather is here in the wintertime. But really I know what the problem is and it is one that I am almost sick of writing about but for me writing about it is the best way to get it out and to release it into the universe.

I miss you Eric. I hate that you aren't here. One of my favorite things about this time of year was Christmas mornings with you and Devyn and my and Nicoles little house. I loved being there with your parents and you two and sharing that experience. It always made me feel like you were living with us again and I really missed that. After the divorce happened I really missed having you around I missed you being a part of my life. It mean't so much to me that you kept me around and connected. You didn't have any reason to do that. So many people would have walked away. It probably would have been easier for so many people to walk away and you didn't. This mean't the world to me. I do not know if I ever expressed that enough to you.

None of that matters now. You are gone. So many things that I would love to share with you. But that is over. That was a moment in time that will never return and most of the time I do a good job of shutting it down inside me and pretending that the empty hole doesn't exist. But then it all builds up and it is like the hole overflows with the emptiness and it all must come pouring out of me or I will be overwhelmed by it. I sometimes wonder how others function with all of this. I sometimes wonder how I am functioning with all of this. But going on seems to be the only option. To not is not something that I can do or that I want to do. I have no interest in that. What I have an interest in is loving others and caring for others and trying to making the lives of people around me better.

I am not writing this as some kind of cry for help. I am in no danger of hurting myself. I just have a hard time understanding how other people are able to process this. I know that we are all facing our own journeys and that the struggle is different for all of us. So trying to stand outside of someones life and judge how they are doing is a pretty pointless exercise and one that isn't beneficial to either of us. But knowing these things doesn't take my empathy away from me and often the pain that I feel within that is so strong. I think in some way that is why I love music so much because I can lose myself in the emotion of it without losing myself in the pain that others are feeling. I think that it allows me to empty myself so that I can be filled up again. That cycle never seems to stop. I am not trying to pat myself on the back or shake my own hand here. I am just recognizing where the feelings come from inside of me and where they go.

All of this coming back to I love you and miss you Eric. Sometimes I am mad at you for leaving. I still do not understand it and I do not know that I ever will. I think that if I ever understand it I may be to close to the darkness inside of myself and I do not want that. The darkness is there and it is ever-present but it is not overwhelming and it does not push at me or seem to desire growth. But for me to deny that it exists would mean lying to myself and to others who do care about me. The darkness is part of who I am and it is also a part of my being able to care for others. I am not scared of it nor do I wallow in it. But it is a part of me. Just like love is a part of me and that part of me is the largest part of me. The love in me outshines the darkness and while the world does get me down at times I know that the love does shine through. It isn't the love that I used to think of when I was a small child and was going to bible school. I know that and I am okay with that. I sometimes feel the limits of language when I write like this and I feel limited and unable to fully articulate the complexity of my feelings. But that is what it comes down to for me. I desperately want others to not have to feel pain and fear to not have to feel anger and hate. I want to be able to take that from them and hold it within myself for a time before releasing it.

When I hug someone I want them to know that I am present and that I feel them and see them there in whatever space they are in. That I will not judge them. That compassion and empathy are all that I want to bring to the encounter. To leave them feeling better and to leave knowing that I have taken some of their pain away and lightened their load. That is all that I want. The world is hard enough without us being mean to each other. I am by no means perfect and I fail but I have to keep trying. Otherwise there is no point and for me loving others is the point. The only point. I do not know who if anyone will actually read this but here it is. Please know that I love you and if you need something please let me know. I will do what I can to be there in some form or the other.

Be well and know that I love you. Thanks for reading this. 

Free Bird...

Today is 8-31-13 and it was April 13th that I heard the news that Eric was gone. April, May, June, July, August it has been 5 months almost 6 now and I really don't know if things are any better.

I know I have said this before at least I think that I have. It isn't that I want to be depressed  and replay this thing over and over. Because I don't and there are moments when everything seems fine and honestly I have tricked myself into feeling fine and then I am driving my van home or as Eric always referred to it on Instagram "The Van" and I start thinking "what and why and how" and "WHY DON'T I JUST DRIVE MY VAN RIGHT OFF THE FUCKING ROAD BECAUSE WOULDN'T THAT BE A WHOLE LOT FUCKING SIMPLER THEM HAVING TO ALWAYS PROCESS THIS SHIT OVER AND OVER AGAIN." 

Now let me be clear before anybody freaks out. I am not going to be driving The Van off of the road. But if I do not acknowledge that these thoughts surface within me from time to time I find that I am far worse off. I can't pretend that I am not feeling these things and that everything is hunky dory and that I am feeling just fine. Because I am not and there really is no point in me lying about it. If my honestly bothers you then so be it and you have a couple of choices, One is to nod and smile and thank me for my authenticity the other is well stated best in this gif

Because while it may make you uncomfortable this is the truth and the reality of someone left behind and  I am positive that I am not the only one feeling this way. So either get your shit together and do everything you can to help that person not feel totally and completely  alone or jog the fuck on. Don't half ass it. There is no halfway with this. It is that important and those left behind need you. If you are unable to deal with the intensity of that then you really are not a friend even if you thought you were. What you thought was friendship all this time was not. It was some comfortable thing with no intimacy and no accountability and no truth. You were an acquaintance and when shit got real you couldn't handle it. Well too bad for you. But no one likes or wants to be left behind. No one wants to be the survivor that has to pick up the pieces of day to day life and trudge on like nothing has happened. Like your entire world wasn't blown totally up. You not being able to handle that is not the fault of the survivor. It is your fault for not being a good person. And fuck you if this upsets you. It should upset you. You are a bad person and should be ashamed of yourself.

I have to believe that healing will come. Otherwise, what is the point. But there are times when it seems so, so hard and I begin to wonder when, when will it come? I suppose that I should seek therapy or counseling, I have been told that I should go to group therapy and I always feel like yes I should. But when it comes down to actually making that call I think, "Ahh I am okay, I can squeeze these feelings off and write about them when they get to strong to handle."  I do not know why I am so resistant to this. I honestly don't. The idea of me being resistant to it makes no sense to me. I do not fear seeing a therapist and I do not fear being psycho-analyzed yet I can't seem to take that next step and I do not know why.

Thanks for listening folks I am going to go make myself a drink.

The Writer's Almanac

I was out late tonight. If you are reading this tomorrow morning then it was Thursday night. I went to see my friend Levi and we played a game called Magic at another friends house. But that really isn't the point of the writing. I met Levi because Nicole, my ex-wife, worked with then Levi's girlfriend Eva. Now Levi and Eva are married and Nicole and I are not. It is funny how things change and how plans change. Well as often serendipity seems to work. I was ruminating on that on the drive home and listening to National Public Radio (NPR). Well every night I think about 9:50 or so they a quick show called "The Writers Almanac". It is hosted by Garrison Keillor of "Lake Wobegon" fame. Well he reads a poem or two and tells about writers birthdays and different books. Tonight he read a poem that I am going place below. Please take the time to read it and I will meet you on the other side.

Cecil
by Stephen Dobyns

How calm is the spring evening, and the water
barely a ripple. My son stands at the edge
tossing in pebbles, then jumping back. He knows
that someplace out there lies Europe, and he points
to an island to ask if it is France. Here
on this beach my neighbor died, a foolish man.
He had fought with his daughter, his only child,
about her boyfriend and came here to cool off
when his heart stopped. Another neighbor found him
and thought him asleep, so relaxed did he seem.
He had helped me with my house, gave me advice
on painting, plastering. For this I thank him.
As I worked, we discussed our plans, how he wished
his daughter to go to the best schools, become
a scientist or engineer. I said how
I meant to settle down and make my life here—
My son asks me about the tide, why the water
doesn't keep coming up the street to wipe out
the house where he lives alone with his mother.
Is he scared, should I console him? Should I say
that if I controlled the tide I would destroy
that house for certain? Our plans came to nothing
and now, a year later, I'm just a visitor
in my son's life. We walk down to the water,
pause, and look out at the world. How big is it?
he asks me. Bigger every day, I answer.
"Cecil" by Stephen Dobyns, from Cemetery Nights. © Penguin Group, 1987. Reprinted with permission (buy now)

what did you think? I am not a great poetry reader. I do read all of the time and I fancy myself a bit of a writer but I do not have an ear for and never have really enjoyed poetry. But, as I listened to the poem being read and he mentioned the neighbor dying on the beach I thought "oh that is sad." and then he moved to the man's son asking about the tides and why didn't the water didn't come all the way up the street and "wipe out the house where he lived alone with his mother?"

That was when it hit me. The man was divorced and the plans that he had talked about previously with the now dead neighbor didn't matter. That the plans for the future came to nothing and now he is just a visitor. Well I do not mind telling you that I begone to cry as I was driving down the highway. I cried because the plans that I had now mean nothing. I cried because it feels like every time I have a good week or day something comes along from out of nowhere and makes me realize what I have lost. I honestly do not feel depressed a majority of the time. But in some ways I am dreading reaching a time where the thought of Nicole does not make me sad. As it is there is an empty spot in my life and for me to lose the memories I have of her, for me to lose the memories of the good times I do not know what that will mean for me.

As usual when the pain hits me. It hits me hard and it takes me by surprise. I have no idea how she is coping. Or even what she is doing to cope. The only thing that brings me some comfort is the vague hope that she is happier then I am now. At least I hope she is. I do not know. If she is not then this is truly a horrible thing for the both of us and there really was no benefit at all. I do not know that there should be a benefit but the thought that at least she might be happy or happier now has been of some small comfort to me.

Now, i sit in the garage and write on my laptop. Wullie is asleep in the ferret sleeping bag and Sebastian is roaming around like he usually does. "It's just you and me fellas." I tell them. I know they can't understand me. But sometimes it feels as if they are the only ones that I can really just let myself go with. Their needs are simple, clean food and water. Some bedding to sleep in and a little bit of attention but they do not even need much of that. I think they are aware that things are different but I am not sure what that would mean to them. I have no idea how aware they are of things. I wish I did...I wish I did.

2-14-2010 (Valentines Day)

I normally do not blog on the weekends but I am sitting here getting ready for bed and I figured I would write a little bit. I imagine this will replace tomorrows post but we will see. I hope those of you that were able to have a three or four day weekend due to Lincoln's and Washington's birthdays had good ones.

This was a weird weekend for me. I have never been crazy about Valentines and of course this is worse by far. My first Valentines with Nicole we went to the Oregon Zoo and she gave me a pocket knife. It was then that I knew she was special. I did not know what the future would bring and had I known I am not sure if I would have done anything differently. Ironically, our last type of real date or couples time together also was a trip to the Oregon Zoo. I doubt if I will ever go to the Zoo again. As I sit here thinking about it I am barely able to hold the tears back. I always enjoyed the Zoo and I enjoyed my time there with her most of all. It will never be the same again. Nothing is ever going to be the same again. I am not sure what that means.

It seems like every time I start to feel a little bit better then something comes along to knock me right back into some kind of emotional spiral. What is more frustrating for me is that this is not even a real holiday it is totally put together by the greeting card companies and makes them millions of dollars every year. But I am not writing this to complain about Valentines day. It is to easy of a target and is done a million times every year by the long time and newly single divorced.

I am not sure why I am writing this in all honesty. I just felt like I had things that I needed to get out. You see I loved maybe I still love Nicole. I just do not know any more. I know that I can't think of her without intense pain. I have good days and bad day but mainly I have days that are just gray. It is a relatively good day if I can make it through with out thinking of her. Yet I still hope to get an email or some kind of text message or instant message nearly every day. It isn't that I have anything to say because I don't. I don't know what I want.

I do know what I miss. I miss her being in my life. I miss having dutch babies with her on lazy Sunday mornings. I miss staying up late and making cupcakes while we watched a movie on Netflix. I just miss her being around. I do not know if I was comfortable and in that level of comfort I just did not show her the love that she needed. I do know that I blame myself for what happened. I did not listen and I did not react and do what was needed to keep things going okay and now I am paying that price in my being alone. I fully realize that I have friends but this is on a different level then that. It is hard for me to fully articulate the level of emptiness that I am dealing with.

I imagine that things will get better I do not see how they couldn't.

I realize that this may be to intensely personal of a blog for many of my readers and I apologize for that but sometimes there are things that need to be said. If you return I soon will be back to my usual slightly humorous and topical thoughts and political ideas. So please bear with me.