Friday....

The Who - The Real Me

I know that I have posted this song before. I know that because it is from one of my all time favorite bands on my all time favorite album of theirs. I believe that the album "Quadrophenia" is the best rock opera of all time and I would also say that it is one of the best just plain albums of all time. But as I was listening to it today I also realized that this song does say an awful lot about me and who I am. This question..."Can you see the real me?" I think is a very real one and one that we all struggle with from time to time. The search to find the answer can lead us to some pretty dark places but also to some pretty good places as well.

Black Sabbath - Psycho Man

I have begun to realize that in the last month as I have been trying to process my feelings and experiences in dealing with the death and the loss of my friend and brother Eric that I have probably been far more honest about my feelings and emotions then I ever have before. At least to such a potentially wide audience. I realize that this also may or may not have made some of you uncomfortable as well. I am sorry about that. But that being said, I do not strive to make people uncomfortable, but I do strive for honesty and I do strive to stretch others in a good way that I hope. I also hope that my writing can be a help to others in some form or another. I know that for me, I believe, that it is helping me to do what I do and to process my feelings in such a public manner.

The Black Keys - Thickfreakness

This is my reality. This is my experience dealing with the pain of this, warts and all. This isn't even so much about me but it is about me experiencing this and me trying to experience this in the most honest way possible. I realize that I can't ask him but I honestly feel that this is what Eric would want me do. He would want me to live this without faking and without pretending that I have it all together and that everything is fine. Because honestly everything is not fine and to fake it would be doing a disservice to Eric's memory as far as I am concerned.

Toto - Straight From The Heart

Don't get me wrong. I am not telling anyone else how they need to be dealing with this. I am talking strictly in terms of myself and how I feel I need to process this in a healthy way. Because and for me this is the key that I need to keep reminding myself of. I must ensure that Eric's death is not not my death. On that point I have to be clear and hold myself to it. Because when I am at my lowest and I look at my life it is easy for me to spiral into this idea that why am I still here, because I have less going for me then Eric had going for him. I am not saying this to beg for sympathy and on the contrary I am probably the furthest away from suicide then I have ever been. But that thought is a real thought that dips in and out of my mind. That I have experienced that is the truth and to hide from that or to pretend that I have never had those thoughts would be totally wrong.

Fun - Some Nights

I do not know what the future holds for me. None of us do. Oh sure we want to think that we have a handle on it and we have it all figured out. But lets be honest. How many of us really do? We might think we do. We might have some vague idea of what tomorrow may bring. But that is just what it is a vague idea. Life is chaos and there is some real joy and beauty in that chaos. I say embrace the chaos. I say embrace the unknowing. I say embrace that experience and wrap it around you. I say live in the eye of the storm and thrive on it. 

Black Sabbath - After Forever

Wow...um I am not sure what just happened but there it is and I make it a practice to not edit my thoughts. So let me put my soap box away and bid you all a good weekend. 

Take Me Back To Happy Valley?

The Bailey Bros - Take Me Back To Happy Valley

Well those tears came on fast. I was sitting here just kind of relaxing and minding my own business. I had just  watched the "Advanced Dungeons and Dragons" episode of Community and was feeling pretty good when that song that is above started playing on my computer. It just kind of hit me that for several people that I know and care about and I fear in some ways myself that the idea of an existence of "Happy Valley" is long gone and probably not going to be coming back again anytime soon. Maybe I can hope for some kind of "Somber Plateau". I just don't know.

Leonard Cohen - Bird On a Wire

I honestly do not understand what is going on with my emotions right now. I really thought things had leveled off and I have had several days without tears. There is a nervousness to my stomach and the tears are just kind of dripping out. Bah, I am really not understanding where this is coming from right at this moment. On a practical level my intellect wants to say that I just spent to much time alone in my room today and I suppose that there is some validity to that.

Toto - I'll Be Over You

Of course it might help if my music player, that is set on random, would stop playing sad songs over and over. I mean is that to much to ask. It isn't like I set it up to play songs guaranteed to make Lance cry. It is just randomly playing everything in my collection. I swear I think it has developed sentience. But back to this whole idea of a "Happy Valley". I don't even like the concept of that. I could see their being a "Happy Peak" or mountain top but valley are places of pain and sorrow. I can see myself rising out of the valley to like I said earlier a "Somber Plateau" but honestly I do not think happiness is in the cards for me and rising to some peak of pleasure and joy I fear may be totally beyond me.

Trampled By Turtles - School Bus Driver


 I try to live a life that is kind of anchored in the present. The idea of Zen Buddhism and being present is an idea that I like and one that I have had great success with. I don't dwell too much on the past and I don't worry too much about what may happen in the future. But the reality is that right now in the present there is a huge empty spot and it is always going to stay empty. I don't think it will ever get filled and I don't think it should. I think it should be a raw and open ache and it should color my daily existence in one form or the other.

Bill Monroe - Along About Daybreak

I don't say that as a bad thing necessarily but to acknowledge that it is my reality right now.

For whatever that is worth. 

  

REM - Begin the Begin.

I don't have much to say this morning. I didn't sleep very well last night and that bothers me. I actually had a couple of good days of sleep this weekend. But, sadly, it seems like things have returned to normal on this Tuesday morning. I hope my normal switches soon to me actually getting more sleep then I have been getting. Things went pretty well overall yesterday until I flipped the lights off and laid down to go to sleep. The chorus of voices started up again in my head and while I am aware of the pointlessness of them I seem to have a hard time controlling them or banishing them.

REM - Crazy

It isn't that I expect or demand total control of whatever random thought pops into my brain. Because to expect that would be just foolishness as far as I am concerned. I firmly believe like Peter Abelard that it isn't the appearance of a thought that is the sin or problem it is the acting on that thought that is the sin. That being said I tend to let my conscious  flow here and there. I like to think of it as my conscious being a stream flowing downstream and the different rocks that pop up here and there are my thoughts and so for a time a thought may surface and see the light of day but as time goes on things shift and change and the thought sinks back below the surface. That isn't always the case but that is how I choose to think of it.

REM - The One I Love

I really did love Eric. I know that may sound odd to some of you. But I don't really care about that. There are very few men in my life that I would think of as brothers, probably less then five and he was one of them. These are men that I care about and that I know care about me and would be there at my side in an instant if I needed them to be. That kind of brotherhood and friendship can be hard to find in the world and I feel lucky to have had that in my life. If, in Eric's case, it only feels like it is for an instant. But that doesn't make it any less real. That is just the reality.

REM - Be Mine

I really wish I had an understanding of what normal is supposed to be right now. I know that prior to his death things felt pretty normal in my life and I felt like I had a pretty good handle on things. This is not the case now. Not at all. But, what I hate even more then that is even as I write these thoughts out I question if I am feeling this in the "CORRECT" way. I wonder how other people are thinking I am doing and if they feel like I am doing it in the "CORRECT" way. Then I get mad at myself for even thinking that. Because even though I know at my core that such thinking is foolish, I am finding it impossible to break away from the self destruction of those thoughts. The unhealthiness of those thoughts.

REM - Cuyahoga

This continues to eat at me. I have lived a life being pretty successful at ignoring what other people think and doing what I want to do regardless of society. So it irks me that this should be an issue for me. Why, in this instance, should I care what other people think about how I mourn? It is my life and how I choose to live it is my business. It isn't that I am even that upset at the people that may or may not be judging how I process this. I am upset at myself for even caring that they might be. I know there is no "CORRECT" way so why am I even worried about it?

REM - Finest Worksong

Maybe I am missing the point and the "CORRECT" way is to do what I am trying to do which is to question and wrestle and process and fight and worry at this or maybe I need to set this aside and just let the thoughts surface and sink and just ride the flow downstream. I do not know the answer and right now I do not like not knowing the answer.

REM - These Days


"The key to wisdom is this - constant and frequent questioning, for by doubting we are led to question and by questioning we arrive at the truth."

Peter Abelard

I hope I get there one day. I really , really do. I suppose it is good to have hope in something, anything . . .

Sunday Songs

Not much going on today I am just vegging out listening to music and feeling kind of spacey. I think I am trying to fabricate the inspiration to write something interesting and poignant. But honestly I am feeling pretty emotionally dead today. I am not sure what that even means. Just kind of numb inside. I suppose that should be a little bit of a relief to have some kind of emotional numbness if even for a little bit. But it doesn't feel normal to not be feeling anything. I am almost feeling like I should be emotionally on edge and that it isn't correct if I am not emotionally compromised or on the edge of freaking out in some way.

Bee Gees and Barbara Streisand - Guilty

That is a song that I didn't even know existed in my collection. It isn't that I dislike it I just was not aware of it and it may well be the only Barbara Streisand song that even exists in my collection.

Steve Martin - You

This is Steve Martin and the Dixie Chicks with his band the Steep Canyon Rangers, I like his bluegrass stuff a lot and this is a good melancholy song in general.

Billy Joel - Leningrad

This is a good Billy Joel song and I guess he does have some bad ones. But I like his music most if not all of the time. There is just a certain enjoyable quality to it. There seems to be often a pretty deeper message to it hidden among the lyrics.

I wish I had more nuggets of wisdom to put out there but I really don't. I guess it is just one of those days wear faking it until you make doesn't even work.  

The Spring Appears too Have Sprung

Well it looks like the rains have returned to Oregon. We had a nice run of some much needed and honestly other then the uncomfortable heat of it. I felt like it was needed on a personal level for me. The ability to sit comfortably outside and feel the fresh air and also be able to feel the solitude without actually feeling like a hermit sitting on a mountain top was, for me, a good balance. When the weather gets like this it makes it harder to sit outside and still feel like there are people around. I still sit outside because I love the rain and the feel of the cold air but usually I am alone and it is hard to read a book sitting outdoors in the middle of a rain storm.

Black Magic Castle - Magic Kingdom

What I am dreading on the other hand if this rain continues is the potential for a SAD (Seasonal Affective Disorder) I know lots of people who this can affect pretty heavily and while I am not affected that much by it I can also get rather gloomy when the weather is gloomy and right now is not a time in my life when I want or need to be gloomy. So far this has been an okay week in a month of real shit. If I were to draw you a scale of it; there would be a huge huge drop probably off of the face of what looks like a cliff. That happened when I first received word of Eric's death. I know that people talk about looking for the small good things in these kind of things. But honestly I do not think that anything good has come out of this whatsoever.

Africa - Toto

What has come out of this is me slogging forward very sluggishly. This has been a month of zombie mindedness with a few moments of clarity and then it all gets very muddled again. The stew pot of emotions has so many different ingredients in it that I have a very hard time tasting just one. I am unable to taste the cleansing purity of anger without  feeling the touch of sorrow. If there is one flavor that appears to be always around it is that of sorrow. It is really hard to taste pleasure when the sourness of sorrow is underlying everything. Things that were fun are not fun anymore. There is a wariness to me doing them because of the fear of memories. Because when the memories start up the sorrow comes back with a vengeance and I have grown tired of crying alone in front of my computer.

The One That Got Away - Katy Perry

The song above, got to me last night as I was watching Katy Perry's concert movie (not ashamed). I realized as she was singing it that she was talking about her divorce and then that made me think of Devyn and Eric and then I started to think of my own divorce and then bam I was crying in front of the computer. I do not dislike crying but you began to wonder at what point are the tears going to stop. Do people ever just dry up and have no liquid left? I don't know that I want that. What does it mean when I stop crying everyday? Does that mean that I will have forgotten Eric? Does that mean that I will have forgotten the pain that his wife and family are in? If getting over this means that I forget then I never want to get over it.

Roll Away Your Stone - Mumford and Sons

I NEVER WANT TO FORGET! 

Monday...

Some days you wake up and everything seems fine but then there are other days where you wake up and get your coffee and sit down in front of your computer to continue your job search and everything just kind of breaks down. Sometimes all it takes is one thoughtful comment on Facebook and it tips you right over the emotional edge and you didn't even realize that you were on the edge. The main reason because you woke up with that moment of clarity when the reality of life has not been remembered and things seem good. But the reality is that things are not good and you are just putting one foot in front of the other because that is all you know how to do and you know that if you stop moving it will all fall apart.

Battle of Who Could Care Less - Ben Folds Five

Sometimes I wonder what it would be like to be able to not care. I think it would be freeing in some way. No, I am sure it would be freeing to not have this knot inside my belly of worry and pain for how the others are coping with this. To not be taken by surprise by emotions so strong that they leave you nearly doubled up as you try to fight off the sobs that you feel bubbling up inside of you. You have given up telling people that you are fine when they ask because that isn't true. But you are also tired of trying to explain to people why you are not fine and you are tired of seeing their eyes glaze over and you can see how much they regret even asking the question but that doesn't matter because they can't really understand the answer and how you are processing it is so completely different then how anyone else is.

La Villa Strangiato - Rush

Sometimes it is all you can do. It is all you are able to do. To sit and immerse yourself in a video game because then you can have a little bit of that emptiness that you crave. You can have a small break from the constant thinking. Because the thoughts never really stop and if you aren't filling the space around you with some sort of white noise they become overwhelming and the others faces and how much pain they are in pops into your head and flies around you like the specters in a bad horror movie. You are thankful that you are out of work because you do not understand how some of the others are even functioning at this time and wonder if they are able to use work to find their blankness.

Feb 20, 2000 - The Avett Bros

You try to meditate because that has been successful in the past. But you are trying so hard to find that Zen that it has become almost impossible to achieve.You smoke a little pot thinking that will help you to get their. It does not.

Pieces of a Story - Trevor Jones

The only thing that seems to help when you are in the middle of it is to grab someone and hold on to them. Because for some reason the feel their bodies the skin of their skin against yours validates your existence. You do that and you return to your blog because writing it down at least helps you to ride that bubble of grief it helps it to be manageable and it gives it a release and because you know of no other way for you to cope with this.

Turn Turn Turn - The Byrds

That and sometimes the strange randomness of the music can help as well because sometimes the songs seem more appropriate then you realize and you wonder, how random is random.

Am I Not Merciful? - Hans Zimmer

Seriously? How random is random because right now this not feeling random. Damn you Google and your mystical music player. 

Random Thursday

Oh..my neck is sore today. I am feeling very groggy, I think the lack of sleep has finally started to catch up to me. I imagine a crash will be coming soon.

Picky Bugger - Elbow

It has been a pretty rough few weeks since Eric left us. I supper pretty rough doesn't do it justice at all. It feels like things have gone totally off of the rails or I suppose I should say that things are barely on the rails and it is taking most if not all of my focus to stay on the track and even then I am not sure that I can keep things on the track long term. There are fleeting moments of laughter but even that takes place in kind of a grey flatness and I am not sure who to even describe what that means. If you have been there then I suppose you know.

Liar - Queen

It is easy for me to start to feel acutely alone right now. On an intellectual level I totally realize that it makes no sense for me to feel that way and that I do have a lot of friends around me. But on an emotional level the intellectual just gets wiped out. The lack of predictability of the mood swings is almost maddening to me. There are moments during the day that I feel actually pretty good or I will be with someone and they are a good enough distraction that I am able to shut out the clamoring chorus of "Why" and "How Come". But I can't be around people 24/7 and the moments when I am laying in the dark and trying to actually get some sleep is when the voices seem loudest.

A Life For Revenge - Dark Moor

I have some really, really good friends that are doing all that they can to keep me busy and that means a lot to me. I think that in some ways actually in many ways I am scared to fully let myself go and experience the grief of this whole thing. I am scared as to what the end result will be of it. So because I am trying to keep everything totally locked down and only releasing the valve in fits and spurts I feel like I have a little bit of control over this. I fear that if I fully release things I may not be able to close the valve back up and I do not know how deep the reservoir is and I don't know what happens if I empty that.

The Educated Fool - Iron Maiden

 As usual I honestly do not know what any of this means. I am hoping that by writing I am able to achieve a little bit of control over this process and I can let the pressure out in a more controlled less insane manner. I do not need to be clutching randomly at strangers or hanging all over my friends because I am desperately craving the touch of another living being. I know, once again, intellectually that this is not socially proper behavior at all . But it feels at times like there is a emotional beast raging inside of me that just wants me to hug everyone around me to let them know that they exist and I exist and there is realness to the physical contact. I want to make eye contact with them and to hold their hand and let them know that they have value to me. I want to absorb their sadness into myself and give them some freedom from it and the only way that I know how to do that is to be able to put my hands on them and sadly not everybody is comfortable with that.

Hope Once Again - Kansas

So I guess if you want a hug or are okay with some hand holding and potentially uncomfortable intimacy then feel free to look me up.

In case you weren't sure I am obviously the curly haired one with my back to the camera. 

Random Music Thursday...

Nothing start the random music journey better then some classic tunes...

Run Run Run - The Who

So far and I realize that it is still early, but today feels like a pretty good day. The sun is out and the Timbers play tonight. So I should be able to keep myself pretty well distracted for a few hours. I do not always try to do that and I do not think it is something that I actively do either. But sometimes it just happens.

An End So Cold - Dark Moor

I have been listening to a lot of music lately and I know that has made a difference in my mood that is for sure. The music, for me, serves two purposes. It helps me to relax and space out a bit and it helps me to remember Eric and the good times I had with him in terms of shared musical experiences. I really think he was one of the few people that liked music like I do and also had the vast and varied musical tastes like I do. I remember once taking a look at his Itunes library and being pretty impressed.

Oh My God - Pink - Phew, this song is kind of dirty. Wow.

Flying Dream - Elbow - Not much to say about this one. I enjoy it. But I do not listen to them all that much.

Beggar's Farm - Jethro Tull - I always enjoy a little Jethro Tull. They were a far better band then people realize I think.

Thank for reading, I'll catch you folks later.

Random Music Tuesday

I felt like I could do some random music from the music library today. So let's see if I can pull that off on an emotional level or not.

It's Raining Again - Supertramp- A classic 1982 Supertramp song and in listening to the lyrics it is actually pretty appropriate for the way things are right now. I know this rain will end, it is just really hard to hang on until it does.

Ugh....a crappy Blink 182 song. I will not share it. They suck so hard.

Straight From The Heart - Toto - Oh my dig that rocking bass line. I really have not actually listened to much Toto but this song isn't horrible.

Loner - Kansas - I guess it must be 80's day on the blog here today. This is not considered one of Kansas's greatest hits. But it is actually a pretty good song. I like the main guitar riff and the chorus is pretty listenable as well.

Who Needs Sleep - Barenaked Ladies - I saw these guys once in concert and it was a fun show. They are a decent band and enjoyable live. I know that they still have fans but I think their moment in the sun has passed.

I've Just Gotta Get A Message - Bee Gees - Huh....interesting


I just wanted to take a moment and that those of you who are my regular readers and who have stuck around during all of the scary emotions that I have been putting on display. I am not promising an end to that, because I am an emotional being and I am striving to be able to feel free enough to put myself out their emotions and all. I think that for me to do that it is just healthier for me.

That being said, after a pretty rough weekend, today is a good day so far. The sun is out and that has helped me. I know that in the last two weeks I have spent more time outside and in the sun then I ever have before. I really think that has helped. I haven't forgotten anything and I never will. But I also am never going to forget the love of my friends and family and the amount of people out their who really do genuinely care for me. This has also brought more people into my circle that I love fiercely and that I hope to be a part of their lives for a long time.

  

Thoughts.......

Overall today was a good day. Things felt rather sunny, but for some reason in the last half hour things have taken rather an odd turn. I am feeling rather anxious all of a sudden and I am not sure why.

I realized today, that a conversation that I had before Eric's memorial service this last Saturday, was something that I had dreamt about, years and years before. But I had, had no context for the conversation and no idea what it was in relation too. I have "deja vu" incidents pretty regularly and I do not know if they are valid or not. But when they happen they certainly feel real to me. They are always in dream form and they are very vivid and then sometime in the future the incident happens in real time. I can't control them or know when they are going to happen or why. But it happens and as it does or soon after, I realize that I had seen or experienced it before.

I just want so much to have good days, I want to sleep at night. I want the people that I care about to not have to hurt. I want to fix them. I want to save them. I want to not be mad at the ways that other people are processing this. I want to take their pain away.

Well, I suppose blogging served its purpose, my mind feels a little more clear and I feel more calm then I was earlier. So thank the Lord for small miracles I suppose.

I know Eric liked, Leonard Cohen and hopefully this can bring some healing to those of you who are hurting like I am. I know that for me it is helping. Eric was not a traditional believer by any means, and neither am I. But he had faith and we all find comfort in many different ways and religious experiences can happen in many different forms. I love you Eric and I look forward with hope to when I can see you again. 

Continuing....

It seems easiest to keep my thoughts clear during the daytime. In the dark at night when I am laying alone in my room, that is when the mental darkness comes as well. The "whys" and the "what if I hads" and the "maybes" began to pile up and spin around me. That is when sometimes things get a little scary for me.

I do not say that to make people uncomfortable or to say, "please, please help me" Because for me writing is a form of therapy and honestly right now I am feeling more mentally healthy then I have in a long time. I am clear and present and feeling this pain and that is something that I believe I must do to truly honor Eric. If I numb myself with meditation or drugs then, and let's be clear I am talking about myself. I do not claim to be any kind of leader or guide as to how people should move through this pain. The experience is going to be unique for all of us. If I numb myself to this pain then I am not living how Eric would have wanted to live.

 Thankfully most of the time I am able to shake those off before they become  overwhelming. But they are there and I fear that they are not going to go away soon. I also fear that they will go away. Because I am afraid that if they go away it is also going to mean that I have forgotten Eric and the impact he had on all of us.

Eric would have enjoyed and appreciated the epic majesty of this band.

I know at my core, that it is foolish of me to even worry about that and that I am not going to forget him. Much like my Grandpa and Grandma Linstrom there is too much in the world that reminds me. I think that is a good thing. There is music in my collection that serves to bring Eric to mind as well as numerous books on my bookcase and films in my film collection that bring his wide grin and his laugh to mind. There are restaurants that, right now, are just too painful for me to eat at because of how much he loved them. I am hoping that one day when I eat there is will be an experience that I can treat as a good memory of him and as a tribute to him.

There are many shades of my sadness but I am not down in the deepest pit of it. I am just trying to make sure to feel it completely and to be and true to myself about my feelings. So feel free to talk to me or write to me if you are feeling concerned at all about my well being. I will not take offense. :)

Thanks for sharing this process with me folks and allowing me the freedom to follow the twists and turns of this as I see fit. It means a lot to me. 

Trying...

I am going to try to listen to some stuff today that puts a smile on my face. I guess I may as well fake it until I can trick myself into thinking that everything is fine.

There is really something about Bluegrass and Gospel music that does sooth me. I really can't pin it down but there is something about it that I really enjoy. I find it both calming and energizing in an odd way.

You Plant Your Fields - New Grass Revival

I really like that song. I always have. But I really, really like it right now. Because this feels like winter it really does. Things feel very barren to me and the ground does not feel fertile.

Quadrophenia was a film that both Eric and I enjoyed a lot and I see a lot of Eric in the Jimmy character as well as myself.

I know Eric loved riding motorcycles but I think he would have also loved riding a scooter and flying around in the wind and the rain.

I will keep listening to your song Eric. It is all around me in the wind and the rain and the way the ocean laps against the shore. I must remember. I will always remember. I love you brother. 

The Monday After....

Today is the day after your memorial service. I woke up with some hope, some hope that I would feel better today. Hope that I would not feel numb inside. Hope that my heart wouldn't hurt so much for your sister and your wife and your parents and friends and for myself. For all of the people that you left behind to try to pick up the pieces. To try to understand the whys and still knowing that there really was no way for us to understand what it was that was driving you. That drove you too leave us.

.
And you know what? It worked for awhile. I did feel a little bit better. The sun helped. Being around some friends helped, texting Devyn helped. But then I went for a drive in my van. The van you liked but never got to actually ride in. I decided to smoke my pipe and listen to a little Ben Folds. I thought you would have approved of that. But as I drove it hit me, you were really gone and all of the platitudes and will meaning words were not going to be bringing you back. This wasn't some trip up the coast to go rock climbing and surfing and then you would return to us. You were good and truly gone. It is hard for me to drive when I am crying but sadly I seem to be getting better at it since you left. I miss you so much brother, and I hurt so much for Devyn and the rest of your family that most of the time I truly do not know what to do with myself. I just hope that wherever you are, that the clouds have lifted for you and you can spend your days creating art and building things with your hands and knowing exactly how talented and skilled you were. Despite what it said in Fight Club...You Were God's Precious Little Snowflake. You Were Unique.

Maybe that is why you had to leave us early, you were just too precious and special to last in this fucked up world and it broke you. I miss you and I just keep hoping that this pain will fade to a dull ache soon. Hoping...hoping...hoping...

The Process...

"I need to process this" "You can't get over this until you process this."  What does that even mean? Why do I need to process anything? Why do I want to process anything? Why can't I just get over it? Is it all just a bunch of psycho-babble that we throw out there to make ourselves feel better? Do we ever really process anything? If I process it, does that mean that I totally forget about that person? What if I don't want to process it? What if feeling the truth and the raw honesty of that pain part of the process and perhaps the most important part of the process, regardless of how uncomfortable it makes others? 

Is there a correct way for me to mourn? The last time I had to "process" something was when my Grandma died. She was 90+ years old and I knew it was going to happen. But, intellectually knowing that didn't necessarily make it any easier. Though the idea that she had lived a long and full life was a nice thought to cling to at times. There are days that I still miss her greatly, I see her face in my Mom's. They shared some of the same mannerisms and vocal inflections. So in some ways Grandma is still with me and the rest of the family in the way that we all look and act and the way we have picked up learned behaviors from her. 

But this whole mess with Eric is nothing like that. He had not lived a long life. I think he lived a full life with many, many excellent adventures. But that is not enough for me! He had many more adventures waiting for him and those are never going to happen now. There were many bottles of whiskey to be drunk and cigars to be smoked and bonfires to be built. There were miles and miles of highway to be ridden on the motorcycle that he loved so much. There was pages and pages of books to be read and talked about. There was lots and lots of music to be listened to and debated. THERE WAS LOTS AND LOTS OF LIFE YET TO BE LIVED! He is not supposed to be gone. 

I lay in bed at night and my mind just keeps digging. It just keeps digging up memories of past experiences and I think when will this stop. I am not actively trying to make myself miserable? I am not trying to wallow in it. But, then I second and third guess myself because, God forbid, that I just trust the honesty of my emotions. Why is it that I can't just trust what I am feeling about Eric is the truth and my truth that is true to my experiences with him? Why am I worried that I am not mourning him the right way and that somehow in my mourning I am going to offend someone else? 

And here is where I peter out because I do not even understand my own thoughts.....

This is all that I know...I know that I loved him and I know that I will miss him and that I will see him and hear him when wind the wind blows and my pipe is smoked and my whiskey is drunk. At those times and many others I am going to know that he is still with me. 

 

Music

Music sometimes or I should say often says more than I can say and in a more eloquent manner. So here is some music for you.

Sadness

A good friend of mine is gone. He decided to kill himself, leaving behind a wife and a dog and grieving parents and sister as well as numerous extended family and friends and me. He was well liked. In all the time I knew him in both a working and friendship capacity I had never heard anyone have anything bad to say about him.

He lived in my basement for a year or so maybe longer, but all I can really say is that I liked having him there. I liked smoking a pipe with him now and then. I liked watching the world cup on television while his sister made us scotch eggs. I liked sitting in the backyard with him by the fire pit. I liked training mixed martial arts with him. I liked drinking scotch and cigars in the garage. I just liked being with him. I liked being in his wedding. I liked going to see Flogging Molly with him. I liked going to see him at Red Lobster and telling him that I loved his sister and knowing that he was ok with it. I liked that he understood the importance of Fight Club in my life. I liked that he understood the importance of literature and music and coffee and booze in the world. I liked working with him at the movie theater. I liked meeting him in Portland to play disc golf. I liked meeting him for beers. I liked that he liked Johnny Cash. I liked that even after my divorce I was still friends with him.

I like that when I think of him I think of this song.

I will miss him. He was a good friend to me and my life is going to be worse off without him in it.

I like to think he is with Johnny Cash now.


I am sorry you are gone. I am sorry I couldn't do enough to keep you here. I will miss you. You were like a brother to me and I loved you.

Orange and Red

There are two bands that I have been introduced to in the last year that I absolutely love. I love sitting down in my chair throwing on the headphones and letting them rip and they are two great tastes that go great together. One band is from Portland Oregon and they are called Red Fang the other is from the UK and are called Orange Goblin. Basically all I can say is that I hope you enjoy the rockin, because I am about to blow your doors off.

Shine - Orange Goblin - One of the things that I love about Orange Goblin is how their music can change so much from song to song and even during the song itself. I love how in some songs they can sound like early Black Sabbath. 

Prehistoric Dog - Red Fang

Jesus Beater - Orange Goblin

Dirt Wizard - Red Fang

Death of Aquarius - Orange Goblin

That is all for today, but something tells me that you guys are going to be hearing and seeing more and more of Orange Goblin from me. These guys are just bringing the metal so hard and it kind of blows my mind that after rocking so hard for 10 years they are not more popular. As I go I leave you with this!

MAY THE FLAMING HAND OF METAL NEVER GO OUT!!

Random Music Thursday

Got to keep on rockin,

Gods of War - Manowar - This band never fails to amuse me. I love the epic over the top nature of their metal and I always picture Conan the Barbarian riding his horse while this music blares out around him.

Keep on stirring that soup Conan, you live forever in my heart.

Somebody Hates Me - Reel Big Fish - 3rd wave ska and a band that had moderate success as part of that fad. I am not ashamed that I liked their sound and I did see them in concert. I took a girl who had dated the band's drummer at the time and we got in for free and got backstage. But sadly I am unable to remember her name.

The Crowd - Operation Ivy - I like this version of ska punk but after Op Ivy I really did not care for anything that they did. Though I will listen to this stuff again and again. Good solid ska punk.

Salty Dog - Flogging Molly - There is nothing better then seeing this band live and seeing the crowd be heavily into them. They put on a very good live show and one that I have enjoyed experiencing several times.

Stay - Savatage- Another one of my favorite epic metal bands. They have never been super popular but I really like their sound and the album that this song comes off of 'Wake of Magellan' is a very good one.


Well I really enjoyed the mix of epic metal and punk rock on today's mix. I hope that my readers did as well.