Late Night Thoughts

I am not sure where this is going. I truthfully have no idea what is going on in my head right now. It is just after midnight on Wednesday the 22nd and I just found out earlier tonight that my ex-wife has remarried. I want to say that it doesn't bother me. But I am having a hard time going to sleep and for me that is a sure sign that there is a problem. I want her to be happy. I tell people that all the time and I believe that to be the truth. How horrible of a person would I be to not want that for her. I know in my heart that I can't make her happy and that what she is looking for in a relationship is not what I could bring her. That is only one of the myriad of reasons why we broke up. Her remarrying should not have come as a surprise to me. She has been dating this guy for a fair amount of time and they have been serious about it. So I am not sure why I feel like I was taken by surprise. I shouldn't care. I should be able to say good for her and just keep on keeping on. But I am really struggling right now and I not sure why. She should be happy. Everyone should be happy and if you aren't the person that makes them happy then you should let them go so that they can be happy. That is the only thing that makes sense. But if that makes sense then why am I feeling so bothered by this right now.

I don't mind being alone and in truth I actually like it most of the time. I like getting off of work and going home and disappearing into my room for most of the evening. Sure I make the occasional appearance now and then and I may step out and visit friends or go to the pub now and then but by and large I am a solitary being and like it that way. I am not a good fit for marriage and I do not expect to ever marry again or really have a long term relationship. That doesn't seem to be in the cards and if I am being honest with myself it wouldn't be fair to my partner to have to deal with my desire to be left alone. That for sure would not be good and would be a surefire recipe for relationship disaster. I do not want to do that to anyone else. I still feel some guilt for having done that to her despite the fact that we are still friends. I think had I actually known myself better I wouldn't have gotten married in the first place but I really felt like that was kind of the thing that you were supposed to do. I do not regret the 7 years at all but at the same time I can't help wonder what about how things might have turned out had I waited to ask her out or to propose in the first place. Had I not gotten married I am not sure that I would have ever gone back to college and I am glad that I did despite the nearly crippling debt that I have from school loans. I loved going to WOU and I loved Political Science and Philosophy. I found my niche their. I really did. I enjoyed Model United Nations and I would not have done any of those things without her encouragement and support. That is the truth. She brought many good things into my life. My relationship with her brought me close to her brother and that is a relationship that I will never forget. There are people in my life now that would not be in my life had I not gotten married in the first place. I love those people and they are hugely important to me.

My life is a good one right now. I have a roof over my head and a job that pays my bills for the most part. I have good friends and a good community around me. Oh sure there are always bumps in the road but overall things are very good and perhaps that is why this has thrown me a little bit. Things have been pretty stable and maybe it was time for there to be a little bit of turmoil so to speak. Maybe that is what I need to get me back to writing again and to move me out of the stasis of contentment that I have been living in. It isn't that I want chaos and drama because I do not. But it is very easy to be comfortable and to not stretch yourself. I know that is the case for me. I know that I love writing but I also know that if I am not feeling angsty or emotional about something the words just do not flow out of me. I am quite comfortable wallowing in my stability and comfort. I enjoy listening to my music and reading my books and thinking my thoughts without any actual consequences or affect on anything. It is easy for me to swirl around in an emotional and intellectual eddy and not actually go anywhere despite the appearance of movement.

Just writing like this I already feel better and in my feeling better I also feel frustrated with myself because despite my knowing that writing makes me feel better I stop doing it and just do other things.  I have always had a hard time actually finding a balance for myself and that seems to be the key with most everything in life. The need to find that sweet spot. To find that balance between leisure and labor so that you are being fed in both directions. Here is hoping that I can find that sweet spot and if anyone has read this much of my ranting that you can find that sweet spot in your life also. I feel like I have written myself out of the funk I was in earlier and that is a good thing. She is a great girl and great woman and she should be happy and that is all that I should care about. The past is the past and it isn't like we have kids to connect us anymore. I need and needed to let that last little bit go I suppose and recognize that moving on is a normal and a good thing. So good for her. I say that with all sincerity. I am glad that she is happy and doing well. I am going to close with something that I read just last week in the  The Way of the Bodhistattva...

"3.18

May I be a guard for those that are protectorless,

A guide for those who journey on the road.

For those who wish to go across the water, May I be a boat, a raft, a bridge. 

3.19

May I be an isle for those who year for a landfall,

And a lamp for those who long for light;,

For those who need a resting place, a bed;,

For all who need a servant, may I be their slave.

3.20

May I be the wishing jewel, the vase of plenty,

A word of power and the supreme healing;

May I be the tree of miracles,

And for every being the abundant cow. 

This is truly what I desire. Be well everybody and thank you for listening. 

A Moment of Compassion

This was a rough weekend. There was entirely to much death and entirely too much politicizing of the gun control issue for my taste. What happened was a horrible thing and really extending your condolences to the families involved and expressing your shock and horror at what happened is all that needs to be said. The rest is just you climbing up on your soapbox be it pro or anti gun control and speaking to hear yourself heard. 

I do not need to hear it and I do not think others do either. I love Facebook because it allows me to keep in touch with so many people from all over the world and allows me the ability to dialogue with them on numerous issues. But it feels like increasingly it is becoming a tool for the loudest of us to angrily proclaim our position as a "right-thinking" person. I realize that I am as guilty of this as anyone and in some cases I am probably works then others in my actions. But this is something that I intend to work on. 

So, I plead with you. Can we just take a moment among the increasing volume of rhetoric that is being thrown about as we all try to recover from this horrible event. Can we just take a moment of silence and think about these families and how this holiday season is going to taste like horrible ash in their mouths. Can we take a moment and just try to understand how painful that must feel and also recognize that we hope it never happens to us or anyone that we know. Can we take a moment and realize that all of the yelling about the right to control or to bear arms does these families mourning their dead children and parents not a whit of good at all. Can we take a moment and be compassionate of others for a change. Because as one of my friends pointed out "those kindergardeners didn't die to make anyone's political point."

Tuesday, Dec 1st, 2009

Good morning, I hope everyone is well today. I am doing pretty good the morning after my birthday. I did not do much in the way of celebrating. I went to dinner with some good friends and that was nice. But overall this was not how I expected to be spending my 40th birthday week. I had envisioned a trip to the Oregon Coast and staying in a nice beach house or something along those lines but that did not happen.

I am going to do my best to not dwell on my family problems or keep going back to what is going on in my life but I ask you to bear with me because there are going to be times when that kind of thing just happens. It may happen more over this month with the holidays and everything going on. I just hope that I do not bore you with my complaining.

I heard an incredibly sad story this morning on the radio it was about the 15 year old girl in Richmond California who was gang raped outside of her homecoming dance earlier this year. The NPR show talked about the town itself and had a reporter who had grown up there go back to Richmond and talk to a few people including a couple of the students from the school itself. One of the students said "We do not want this to define us." My first thought was I can understand that but when a girl gets attacked for two hours and no one calls the police or even tries to intervene it is hard to not blame the whole school and the town for what went on.

The talked to a school councilor who said that in places that are poor or hard scrabble that it is easy to pick someone as an other and that they lose their humanity. That this often happens where men gather. She used that phrase twice. "Where men gather." I am not sure what she meant by that. Are all men to blame for the actions of a few young men? Anywhere there is injustice or crime in the world rape happens. That does not excuse it nor does it make all men culpable for the actions of a few men. Are all men just a few steps away from being a rapist if the opportunity strikes? I hope not. I certainly do not think that I would be capable of such an act. In fact I am unable to imagine myself being so out of control that this would happen.

So who is to blame? Do we blame society? Do we blame the families of the boys? Do we blame the girl for how she was dressed? Or MTV? Do we get philosophical and blame the fallen nature of man? Maybe the boys are just bad apples and regardless of their upbringing would have been rapists at some point. We all know that rape is not a crime committed solely by the poor. But what drives a person to cross that line?

These are the thoughts in my head today as I ride along on the train. These are not fun thoughts but they are my thoughts. It makes me sad that people are victimized all over the world for all kinds of reasons and I know that the only one whose behavior I can be sure of controlling is myself. I just hope I can be a member of society that gives back and does not take away. I hope we all can be that person and we all can look out for others who are being preyed upon and hurt. If we can all do these things then maybe just maybe we can make the world a little better for those around us.