Where Do My Readers Come From?

Tuesday, April 30, 2013

Random Music Tuesday

I felt like I could do some random music from the music library today. So let's see if I can pull that off on an emotional level or not.

It's Raining Again - Supertramp- A classic 1982 Supertramp song and in listening to the lyrics it is actually pretty appropriate for the way things are right now. I know this rain will end, it is just really hard to hang on until it does.

Ugh....a crappy Blink 182 song. I will not share it. They suck so hard.

Straight From The Heart - Toto - Oh my dig that rocking bass line. I really have not actually listened to much Toto but this song isn't horrible.

Loner - Kansas - I guess it must be 80's day on the blog here today. This is not considered one of Kansas's greatest hits. But it is actually a pretty good song. I like the main guitar riff and the chorus is pretty listenable as well.

Who Needs Sleep - Barenaked Ladies - I saw these guys once in concert and it was a fun show. They are a decent band and enjoyable live. I know that they still have fans but I think their moment in the sun has passed.

I've Just Gotta Get A Message - Bee Gees - Huh....interesting

I just wanted to take a moment and that those of you who are my regular readers and who have stuck around during all of the scary emotions that I have been putting on display. I am not promising an end to that, because I am an emotional being and I am striving to be able to feel free enough to put myself out their emotions and all. I think that for me to do that it is just healthier for me.

That being said, after a pretty rough weekend, today is a good day so far. The sun is out and that has helped me. I know that in the last two weeks I have spent more time outside and in the sun then I ever have before. I really think that has helped. I haven't forgotten anything and I never will. But I also am never going to forget the love of my friends and family and the amount of people out their who really do genuinely care for me. This has also brought more people into my circle that I love fiercely and that I hope to be a part of their lives for a long time.


Sunday, April 28, 2013


Overall today was a good day. Things felt rather sunny, but for some reason in the last half hour things have taken rather an odd turn. I am feeling rather anxious all of a sudden and I am not sure why.

I realized today, that a conversation that I had before Eric's memorial service this last Saturday, was something that I had dreamt about, years and years before. But I had, had no context for the conversation and no idea what it was in relation too. I have "deja vu" incidents pretty regularly and I do not know if they are valid or not. But when they happen they certainly feel real to me. They are always in dream form and they are very vivid and then sometime in the future the incident happens in real time. I can't control them or know when they are going to happen or why. But it happens and as it does or soon after, I realize that I had seen or experienced it before.

I just want so much to have good days, I want to sleep at night. I want the people that I care about to not have to hurt. I want to fix them. I want to save them. I want to not be mad at the ways that other people are processing this. I want to take their pain away.

Well, I suppose blogging served its purpose, my mind feels a little more clear and I feel more calm then I was earlier. So thank the Lord for small miracles I suppose.

I know Eric liked, Leonard Cohen and hopefully this can bring some healing to those of you who are hurting like I am. I know that for me it is helping. Eric was not a traditional believer by any means, and neither am I. But he had faith and we all find comfort in many different ways and religious experiences can happen in many different forms. I love you Eric and I look forward with hope to when I can see you again. 

Thursday, April 25, 2013


It seems easiest to keep my thoughts clear during the daytime. In the dark at night when I am laying alone in my room, that is when the mental darkness comes as well. The "whys" and the "what if I hads" and the "maybes" began to pile up and spin around me. That is when sometimes things get a little scary for me.

I do not say that to make people uncomfortable or to say, "please, please help me" Because for me writing is a form of therapy and honestly right now I am feeling more mentally healthy then I have in a long time. I am clear and present and feeling this pain and that is something that I believe I must do to truly honor Eric. If I numb myself with meditation or drugs then, and let's be clear I am talking about myself. I do not claim to be any kind of leader or guide as to how people should move through this pain. The experience is going to be unique for all of us. If I numb myself to this pain then I am not living how Eric would have wanted to live.

 Thankfully most of the time I am able to shake those off before they become  overwhelming. But they are there and I fear that they are not going to go away soon. I also fear that they will go away. Because I am afraid that if they go away it is also going to mean that I have forgotten Eric and the impact he had on all of us.

Eric would have enjoyed and appreciated the epic majesty of this band.

I know at my core, that it is foolish of me to even worry about that and that I am not going to forget him. Much like my Grandpa and Grandma Linstrom there is too much in the world that reminds me. I think that is a good thing. There is music in my collection that serves to bring Eric to mind as well as numerous books on my bookcase and films in my film collection that bring his wide grin and his laugh to mind. There are restaurants that, right now, are just too painful for me to eat at because of how much he loved them. I am hoping that one day when I eat there is will be an experience that I can treat as a good memory of him and as a tribute to him.

There are many shades of my sadness but I am not down in the deepest pit of it. I am just trying to make sure to feel it completely and to be and true to myself about my feelings. So feel free to talk to me or write to me if you are feeling concerned at all about my well being. I will not take offense. :)

Thanks for sharing this process with me folks and allowing me the freedom to follow the twists and turns of this as I see fit. It means a lot to me. 

Tuesday, April 23, 2013


I am going to try to listen to some stuff today that puts a smile on my face. I guess I may as well fake it until I can trick myself into thinking that everything is fine.

There is really something about Bluegrass and Gospel music that does sooth me. I really can't pin it down but there is something about it that I really enjoy. I find it both calming and energizing in an odd way.

You Plant Your Fields - New Grass Revival

I really like that song. I always have. But I really, really like it right now. Because this feels like winter it really does. Things feel very barren to me and the ground does not feel fertile.

Quadrophenia was a film that both Eric and I enjoyed a lot and I see a lot of Eric in the Jimmy character as well as myself.

I know Eric loved riding motorcycles but I think he would have also loved riding a scooter and flying around in the wind and the rain.

I will keep listening to your song Eric. It is all around me in the wind and the rain and the way the ocean laps against the shore. I must remember. I will always remember. I love you brother. 

Monday, April 22, 2013

The Monday After....

Today is the day after your memorial service. I woke up with some hope, some hope that I would feel better today. Hope that I would not feel numb inside. Hope that my heart wouldn't hurt so much for your sister and your wife and your parents and friends and for myself. For all of the people that you left behind to try to pick up the pieces. To try to understand the whys and still knowing that there really was no way for us to understand what it was that was driving you. That drove you too leave us.

And you know what? It worked for awhile. I did feel a little bit better. The sun helped. Being around some friends helped, texting Devyn helped. But then I went for a drive in my van. The van you liked but never got to actually ride in. I decided to smoke my pipe and listen to a little Ben Folds. I thought you would have approved of that. But as I drove it hit me, you were really gone and all of the platitudes and will meaning words were not going to be bringing you back. This wasn't some trip up the coast to go rock climbing and surfing and then you would return to us. You were good and truly gone. It is hard for me to drive when I am crying but sadly I seem to be getting better at it since you left. I miss you so much brother, and I hurt so much for Devyn and the rest of your family that most of the time I truly do not know what to do with myself. I just hope that wherever you are, that the clouds have lifted for you and you can spend your days creating art and building things with your hands and knowing exactly how talented and skilled you were. Despite what it said in Fight Club...You Were God's Precious Little Snowflake. You Were Unique.

Maybe that is why you had to leave us early, you were just too precious and special to last in this fucked up world and it broke you. I miss you and I just keep hoping that this pain will fade to a dull ache soon. Hoping...hoping...hoping...

Thursday, April 18, 2013

The Process...

"I need to process this" "You can't get over this until you process this."  What does that even mean? Why do I need to process anything? Why do I want to process anything? Why can't I just get over it? Is it all just a bunch of psycho-babble that we throw out there to make ourselves feel better? Do we ever really process anything? If I process it, does that mean that I totally forget about that person? What if I don't want to process it? What if feeling the truth and the raw honesty of that pain part of the process and perhaps the most important part of the process, regardless of how uncomfortable it makes others? 

Is there a correct way for me to mourn? The last time I had to "process" something was when my Grandma died. She was 90+ years old and I knew it was going to happen. But, intellectually knowing that didn't necessarily make it any easier. Though the idea that she had lived a long and full life was a nice thought to cling to at times. There are days that I still miss her greatly, I see her face in my Mom's. They shared some of the same mannerisms and vocal inflections. So in some ways Grandma is still with me and the rest of the family in the way that we all look and act and the way we have picked up learned behaviors from her. 

But this whole mess with Eric is nothing like that. He had not lived a long life. I think he lived a full life with many, many excellent adventures. But that is not enough for me! He had many more adventures waiting for him and those are never going to happen now. There were many bottles of whiskey to be drunk and cigars to be smoked and bonfires to be built. There were miles and miles of highway to be ridden on the motorcycle that he loved so much. There was pages and pages of books to be read and talked about. There was lots and lots of music to be listened to and debated. THERE WAS LOTS AND LOTS OF LIFE YET TO BE LIVED! He is not supposed to be gone. 

I lay in bed at night and my mind just keeps digging. It just keeps digging up memories of past experiences and I think when will this stop. I am not actively trying to make myself miserable? I am not trying to wallow in it. But, then I second and third guess myself because, God forbid, that I just trust the honesty of my emotions. Why is it that I can't just trust what I am feeling about Eric is the truth and my truth that is true to my experiences with him? Why am I worried that I am not mourning him the right way and that somehow in my mourning I am going to offend someone else? 

And here is where I peter out because I do not even understand my own thoughts.....

This is all that I know...I know that I loved him and I know that I will miss him and that I will see him and hear him when wind the wind blows and my pipe is smoked and my whiskey is drunk. At those times and many others I am going to know that he is still with me. 


Tuesday, April 16, 2013


Music sometimes or I should say often says more than I can say and in a more eloquent manner. So here is some music for you.

Sunday, April 14, 2013


A good friend of mine is gone. He decided to kill himself, leaving behind a wife and a dog and grieving parents and sister as well as numerous extended family and friends and me. He was well liked. In all the time I knew him in both a working and friendship capacity I had never heard anyone have anything bad to say about him.

He lived in my basement for a year or so maybe longer, but all I can really say is that I liked having him there. I liked smoking a pipe with him now and then. I liked watching the world cup on television while his sister made us scotch eggs. I liked sitting in the backyard with him by the fire pit. I liked training mixed martial arts with him. I liked drinking scotch and cigars in the garage. I just liked being with him. I liked being in his wedding. I liked going to see Flogging Molly with him. I liked going to see him at Red Lobster and telling him that I loved his sister and knowing that he was ok with it. I liked that he understood the importance of Fight Club in my life. I liked that he understood the importance of literature and music and coffee and booze in the world. I liked working with him at the movie theater. I liked meeting him in Portland to play disc golf. I liked meeting him for beers. I liked that he liked Johnny Cash. I liked that even after my divorce I was still friends with him.

I like that when I think of him I think of this song.

I will miss him. He was a good friend to me and my life is going to be worse off without him in it.

I like to think he is with Johnny Cash now.

I am sorry you are gone. I am sorry I couldn't do enough to keep you here. I will miss you. You were like a brother to me and I loved you.

Friday, April 12, 2013

Orange and Red

There are two bands that I have been introduced to in the last year that I absolutely love. I love sitting down in my chair throwing on the headphones and letting them rip and they are two great tastes that go great together. One band is from Portland Oregon and they are called Red Fang the other is from the UK and are called Orange Goblin. Basically all I can say is that I hope you enjoy the rockin, because I am about to blow your doors off.

Shine - Orange Goblin - One of the things that I love about Orange Goblin is how their music can change so much from song to song and even during the song itself. I love how in some songs they can sound like early Black Sabbath. 

Prehistoric Dog - Red Fang

Jesus Beater - Orange Goblin

Dirt Wizard - Red Fang

Death of Aquarius - Orange Goblin

That is all for today, but something tells me that you guys are going to be hearing and seeing more and more of Orange Goblin from me. These guys are just bringing the metal so hard and it kind of blows my mind that after rocking so hard for 10 years they are not more popular. As I go I leave you with this!


Thursday, April 11, 2013

Random Music Thursday

Got to keep on rockin,

Gods of War - Manowar - This band never fails to amuse me. I love the epic over the top nature of their metal and I always picture Conan the Barbarian riding his horse while this music blares out around him.

Keep on stirring that soup Conan, you live forever in my heart.

Somebody Hates Me - Reel Big Fish - 3rd wave ska and a band that had moderate success as part of that fad. I am not ashamed that I liked their sound and I did see them in concert. I took a girl who had dated the band's drummer at the time and we got in for free and got backstage. But sadly I am unable to remember her name.

The Crowd - Operation Ivy - I like this version of ska punk but after Op Ivy I really did not care for anything that they did. Though I will listen to this stuff again and again. Good solid ska punk.

Salty Dog - Flogging Molly - There is nothing better then seeing this band live and seeing the crowd be heavily into them. They put on a very good live show and one that I have enjoyed experiencing several times.

Stay - Savatage- Another one of my favorite epic metal bands. They have never been super popular but I really like their sound and the album that this song comes off of 'Wake of Magellan' is a very good one.

Well I really enjoyed the mix of epic metal and punk rock on today's mix. I hope that my readers did as well. 

Tuesday, April 09, 2013

In Praise Of...

Gordon Lightfoot. He emerged from the wilds of Canada and brought to us the magical musical sounds of his acoustic 12 string guitar. His distinctive voice and the storytelling nature of his music ensured a lasting place for him in both Canadian music history as well as in America and, at least for myself, his songs never fail to make me lean back in my chair and put my feet up. Which I admit can make him dangerous to listen to and drive at the same time. But often I find, when I am cruising in my van, that there is nothing better to listen to on a lovely spring day. I hope these few videos bring a smile to your day and put a little pep in your step as well.

If You Could Read My Mind

The Wreck of The Edmund Fitzgerald


Early Morning Rain

I really enjoyed that and I think it may generate a few more posts from me highlighting this kind of music. It is one I enjoy a lot and I do not think that enough of the solo, singer-songwriter acts are out there.

Random Music Tuesday

Well it looks like you guys are able to see the videos at least, so lets keep it going.

Complainted'vn Matelot Mourant - The Avett Bro - What a lovely somber song and I believe that the english translation is "Lament of a Dying Sailor" I highly recommend listening to this with some headphones on to fully enjoy the experience.

Just a Little Heat - Black Keys - Feel the grungy blues it makes me think of the film 'Crossroads' with Ralph Macchio and Jaime Gertz. I enjoy everything that the Black Keys do. I also always find it impressive that it is just a duo and they put out such a great wall of sound.

To Be Myself Completely - Belle and Sebastian - This song is speaking to me right now in a way that I really do not want to think about. I do not want to dive into that introspective spiral. It is enough for me to tell you that I love this song and the lyrics say a lot.

Mambo (Dreaming of 4000) - ELO - Oh ELO! I love you and your disco-prog rock sound. You have brought me so much musical joy over the years.

Dan's Silverleaf - The Middle East - I like these. I only have this one album but every time I hear it I enjoy it. I feel like there is a real depth to it and it always bears repeated listening with headphones on to be able to fully get the sound.

Thursday, April 04, 2013


If you are having problems watching the music videos. I am sorry. I am not sure what is going on but I am working to fix it. 

Random Music Thursday

Here we go...

Hot Dog - LMFAO - This band is so ludicrous. But there are times when they just bring a smile to my face. I also get a real kick out of it when they randomly pop up on my list.

Shakin All Over - The Who - There is not much for me to say about this, other then that I love the Who and rarely did they put a foot wrong as far as I am concerned.

These Are My Twisted Words - Radiohead - blah, blah, blah Radiohead. Musical and computer nerds noodling around sonically. I do not care it it or them. Meh, sounds like some of the Beatles stuff when they got all guru like. Which makes me like it less.

Peacekeeper - Fleetwood Mac - You just can't go wrong with the Mac. Love it.

Have Love, Will Travel - The Black Keys - I love this cover. So good.

Catch you later folks.

Tuesday, April 02, 2013

Random Music Tuesday

and away we go...

Jamaica Farewell - Harry Belafonte - This is a fun one and kind of a classic song. I don't know how many people remember how good of a singer he was. I know that I do not but when I do hear his songs I do enjoy them. This one is coming off of a folk music compilation disc that I have.

Jaime's Crying - Van Halen - This is classic, classic Van Halen. They were such a great band to listen too. Then Eddie married Valerie Bertinelli and she destroyed the band. That is my story and I am sticking to it.

Someday Soon  - Judy Collins - This is a song that I do not believe that I have ever heard before but it really is kind of nice. She has a lovely voice and I m kind of a sucker for songs that tell stories.

Judy And the Dream of Horses - Belle and Sebastian - I have a lot of Belle and Sebastian and while I don't listen to them on a regular basis I do enjoy them and they never fail to remind me of a Wes Anderson film and that is okay with me.

The Shortest Straw - Metallica - It cracks me up when the randomness of the music machine throws in a song that just doesn't fit. I like this song but it does not go with the flow of this random mix at all. This isn't my favorite Metallica song at all but there is something about it that I really like.

See you later losers!!