Where Do My Readers Come From?

Thursday, April 25, 2013


It seems easiest to keep my thoughts clear during the daytime. In the dark at night when I am laying alone in my room, that is when the mental darkness comes as well. The "whys" and the "what if I hads" and the "maybes" began to pile up and spin around me. That is when sometimes things get a little scary for me.

I do not say that to make people uncomfortable or to say, "please, please help me" Because for me writing is a form of therapy and honestly right now I am feeling more mentally healthy then I have in a long time. I am clear and present and feeling this pain and that is something that I believe I must do to truly honor Eric. If I numb myself with meditation or drugs then, and let's be clear I am talking about myself. I do not claim to be any kind of leader or guide as to how people should move through this pain. The experience is going to be unique for all of us. If I numb myself to this pain then I am not living how Eric would have wanted to live.

 Thankfully most of the time I am able to shake those off before they become  overwhelming. But they are there and I fear that they are not going to go away soon. I also fear that they will go away. Because I am afraid that if they go away it is also going to mean that I have forgotten Eric and the impact he had on all of us.

Eric would have enjoyed and appreciated the epic majesty of this band.

I know at my core, that it is foolish of me to even worry about that and that I am not going to forget him. Much like my Grandpa and Grandma Linstrom there is too much in the world that reminds me. I think that is a good thing. There is music in my collection that serves to bring Eric to mind as well as numerous books on my bookcase and films in my film collection that bring his wide grin and his laugh to mind. There are restaurants that, right now, are just too painful for me to eat at because of how much he loved them. I am hoping that one day when I eat there is will be an experience that I can treat as a good memory of him and as a tribute to him.

There are many shades of my sadness but I am not down in the deepest pit of it. I am just trying to make sure to feel it completely and to be and true to myself about my feelings. So feel free to talk to me or write to me if you are feeling concerned at all about my well being. I will not take offense. :)

Thanks for sharing this process with me folks and allowing me the freedom to follow the twists and turns of this as I see fit. It means a lot to me. 
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