Free Bird...

Today is 8-31-13 and it was April 13th that I heard the news that Eric was gone. April, May, June, July, August it has been 5 months almost 6 now and I really don't know if things are any better.

I know I have said this before at least I think that I have. It isn't that I want to be depressed  and replay this thing over and over. Because I don't and there are moments when everything seems fine and honestly I have tricked myself into feeling fine and then I am driving my van home or as Eric always referred to it on Instagram "The Van" and I start thinking "what and why and how" and "WHY DON'T I JUST DRIVE MY VAN RIGHT OFF THE FUCKING ROAD BECAUSE WOULDN'T THAT BE A WHOLE LOT FUCKING SIMPLER THEM HAVING TO ALWAYS PROCESS THIS SHIT OVER AND OVER AGAIN." 

Now let me be clear before anybody freaks out. I am not going to be driving The Van off of the road. But if I do not acknowledge that these thoughts surface within me from time to time I find that I am far worse off. I can't pretend that I am not feeling these things and that everything is hunky dory and that I am feeling just fine. Because I am not and there really is no point in me lying about it. If my honestly bothers you then so be it and you have a couple of choices, One is to nod and smile and thank me for my authenticity the other is well stated best in this gif

Because while it may make you uncomfortable this is the truth and the reality of someone left behind and  I am positive that I am not the only one feeling this way. So either get your shit together and do everything you can to help that person not feel totally and completely  alone or jog the fuck on. Don't half ass it. There is no halfway with this. It is that important and those left behind need you. If you are unable to deal with the intensity of that then you really are not a friend even if you thought you were. What you thought was friendship all this time was not. It was some comfortable thing with no intimacy and no accountability and no truth. You were an acquaintance and when shit got real you couldn't handle it. Well too bad for you. But no one likes or wants to be left behind. No one wants to be the survivor that has to pick up the pieces of day to day life and trudge on like nothing has happened. Like your entire world wasn't blown totally up. You not being able to handle that is not the fault of the survivor. It is your fault for not being a good person. And fuck you if this upsets you. It should upset you. You are a bad person and should be ashamed of yourself.

I have to believe that healing will come. Otherwise, what is the point. But there are times when it seems so, so hard and I begin to wonder when, when will it come? I suppose that I should seek therapy or counseling, I have been told that I should go to group therapy and I always feel like yes I should. But when it comes down to actually making that call I think, "Ahh I am okay, I can squeeze these feelings off and write about them when they get to strong to handle."  I do not know why I am so resistant to this. I honestly don't. The idea of me being resistant to it makes no sense to me. I do not fear seeing a therapist and I do not fear being psycho-analyzed yet I can't seem to take that next step and I do not know why.

Thanks for listening folks I am going to go make myself a drink.

Random Music Tuesday

I felt like I could do some random music from the music library today. So let's see if I can pull that off on an emotional level or not.

It's Raining Again - Supertramp- A classic 1982 Supertramp song and in listening to the lyrics it is actually pretty appropriate for the way things are right now. I know this rain will end, it is just really hard to hang on until it does.

Ugh....a crappy Blink 182 song. I will not share it. They suck so hard.

Straight From The Heart - Toto - Oh my dig that rocking bass line. I really have not actually listened to much Toto but this song isn't horrible.

Loner - Kansas - I guess it must be 80's day on the blog here today. This is not considered one of Kansas's greatest hits. But it is actually a pretty good song. I like the main guitar riff and the chorus is pretty listenable as well.

Who Needs Sleep - Barenaked Ladies - I saw these guys once in concert and it was a fun show. They are a decent band and enjoyable live. I know that they still have fans but I think their moment in the sun has passed.

I've Just Gotta Get A Message - Bee Gees - Huh....interesting


I just wanted to take a moment and that those of you who are my regular readers and who have stuck around during all of the scary emotions that I have been putting on display. I am not promising an end to that, because I am an emotional being and I am striving to be able to feel free enough to put myself out their emotions and all. I think that for me to do that it is just healthier for me.

That being said, after a pretty rough weekend, today is a good day so far. The sun is out and that has helped me. I know that in the last two weeks I have spent more time outside and in the sun then I ever have before. I really think that has helped. I haven't forgotten anything and I never will. But I also am never going to forget the love of my friends and family and the amount of people out their who really do genuinely care for me. This has also brought more people into my circle that I love fiercely and that I hope to be a part of their lives for a long time.

  

Continuing....

It seems easiest to keep my thoughts clear during the daytime. In the dark at night when I am laying alone in my room, that is when the mental darkness comes as well. The "whys" and the "what if I hads" and the "maybes" began to pile up and spin around me. That is when sometimes things get a little scary for me.

I do not say that to make people uncomfortable or to say, "please, please help me" Because for me writing is a form of therapy and honestly right now I am feeling more mentally healthy then I have in a long time. I am clear and present and feeling this pain and that is something that I believe I must do to truly honor Eric. If I numb myself with meditation or drugs then, and let's be clear I am talking about myself. I do not claim to be any kind of leader or guide as to how people should move through this pain. The experience is going to be unique for all of us. If I numb myself to this pain then I am not living how Eric would have wanted to live.

 Thankfully most of the time I am able to shake those off before they become  overwhelming. But they are there and I fear that they are not going to go away soon. I also fear that they will go away. Because I am afraid that if they go away it is also going to mean that I have forgotten Eric and the impact he had on all of us.

Eric would have enjoyed and appreciated the epic majesty of this band.

I know at my core, that it is foolish of me to even worry about that and that I am not going to forget him. Much like my Grandpa and Grandma Linstrom there is too much in the world that reminds me. I think that is a good thing. There is music in my collection that serves to bring Eric to mind as well as numerous books on my bookcase and films in my film collection that bring his wide grin and his laugh to mind. There are restaurants that, right now, are just too painful for me to eat at because of how much he loved them. I am hoping that one day when I eat there is will be an experience that I can treat as a good memory of him and as a tribute to him.

There are many shades of my sadness but I am not down in the deepest pit of it. I am just trying to make sure to feel it completely and to be and true to myself about my feelings. So feel free to talk to me or write to me if you are feeling concerned at all about my well being. I will not take offense. :)

Thanks for sharing this process with me folks and allowing me the freedom to follow the twists and turns of this as I see fit. It means a lot to me. 

Trying...

I am going to try to listen to some stuff today that puts a smile on my face. I guess I may as well fake it until I can trick myself into thinking that everything is fine.

There is really something about Bluegrass and Gospel music that does sooth me. I really can't pin it down but there is something about it that I really enjoy. I find it both calming and energizing in an odd way.

You Plant Your Fields - New Grass Revival

I really like that song. I always have. But I really, really like it right now. Because this feels like winter it really does. Things feel very barren to me and the ground does not feel fertile.

Quadrophenia was a film that both Eric and I enjoyed a lot and I see a lot of Eric in the Jimmy character as well as myself.

I know Eric loved riding motorcycles but I think he would have also loved riding a scooter and flying around in the wind and the rain.

I will keep listening to your song Eric. It is all around me in the wind and the rain and the way the ocean laps against the shore. I must remember. I will always remember. I love you brother.