Well All Right ...

Anyone of you that have read this blog in the past knows how much I enjoy music and knows how much it is an important part of my existence and its presence in my life has been  very helpful in times both good and bad. One of the things that brings me the most peace or pleasure depending on the mood I am in is when I can create a playlist to listen to in The Van.

I have a CD player in the their and that makes it pretty easy to burn things from my computer to disc. Though it would be sweet if I could get a system in their that lets me play MP3's. The playlists that I could make would be so awesome. But anyway, before I get to off track I wanted to share with you the latest and in some ways the most personal playlist that I have made in a long time. So please give it a listen, hopefully Youtube has all of these. and let me know if you enjoyed it or not.

Blind Faith - Can't Find My Home

Blind Faith - Well All Right

The Allman Brothers - Whipping Post

Too put it bluntly the last 3 nearly 4 years have been pretty shitty. Oh I am sure that there are plenty of people who have had it far worse and I am not claiming that my life is horrible. But there have been moments of time where things looked and felt pretty bleak. But I have some very, very good people around me and them along with the music that I can listen to has really made a difference as far as things go. There are times though when in the midst of whatever emotional dive I am in that things look pretty bad and I wonder what is the point. Sometimes the music helps pull me out of that and sometimes the music helps me to kind of swim through it. It is kind of hard to explain if you haven't been in the midst of that kind of emotional wave.

The Lumineers - Hey Ho

Lynrd Skynrd - Simple Man

Kansas - Carry On

There is not much to say about these songs. They bring me some comfort and some peace as I listen to them. They also bring me sorrow but it isn't a bad kind of sorrow. It is the reality of things gone that can never return but at the same time good memories of things that I wouldn't have traded for the world as well as relationships that have formed who I am today.

Montgomery Gentry - You Do Your Thing, I'll Do Mine

Lynrd Skynrd - Free Bird (Film "Devil's Rejects"

These are songs about being true to yourself. True to myself and experiencing this pain honestly and not numbing myself to it. But letting it flow through me and not letting it overwhelm me or define me but acknowledging its existence and trying to use it to make myself a better person on the far end of it. However long that takes and I have no idea at all how long it is going to take.

Neil Young - Everybody Knows This Is Nowhere

Neil Young - Old Man

Neil Young - Needle and the Damage Done

Neil Young - Running Dry

Sometimes you feel like you are at the end of your tether and these songs help me. I know that isn't the case for everyone but hearing someone put what feels like my feelings into words does amazing things for me. Through tears and sorrow can sometimes come cleansing and healing.

O' Death - Down To Rest

The White Stripes - One More Cup of Coffee

Ralph Stanley - Oh Death

Mumford n Sons - Whispers in the Dark

It is pretty obvious how this ends and it ends the same way for all of us. I can fight it and not be honest about it or I can acknowledge it and understand this is something that happens to all of us and just accept that. I think the older that I get the less fear there is of it. This will happen and I do not know when or how and that is fine with me. This playlist leaves me with a feeling of hope and I know that may not be the case for everyone and some of you may not like it at all. But I hope that you enjoyed at least some of the songs that are hear.

Free Bird...

Today is 8-31-13 and it was April 13th that I heard the news that Eric was gone. April, May, June, July, August it has been 5 months almost 6 now and I really don't know if things are any better.

I know I have said this before at least I think that I have. It isn't that I want to be depressed  and replay this thing over and over. Because I don't and there are moments when everything seems fine and honestly I have tricked myself into feeling fine and then I am driving my van home or as Eric always referred to it on Instagram "The Van" and I start thinking "what and why and how" and "WHY DON'T I JUST DRIVE MY VAN RIGHT OFF THE FUCKING ROAD BECAUSE WOULDN'T THAT BE A WHOLE LOT FUCKING SIMPLER THEM HAVING TO ALWAYS PROCESS THIS SHIT OVER AND OVER AGAIN." 

Now let me be clear before anybody freaks out. I am not going to be driving The Van off of the road. But if I do not acknowledge that these thoughts surface within me from time to time I find that I am far worse off. I can't pretend that I am not feeling these things and that everything is hunky dory and that I am feeling just fine. Because I am not and there really is no point in me lying about it. If my honestly bothers you then so be it and you have a couple of choices, One is to nod and smile and thank me for my authenticity the other is well stated best in this gif

Because while it may make you uncomfortable this is the truth and the reality of someone left behind and  I am positive that I am not the only one feeling this way. So either get your shit together and do everything you can to help that person not feel totally and completely  alone or jog the fuck on. Don't half ass it. There is no halfway with this. It is that important and those left behind need you. If you are unable to deal with the intensity of that then you really are not a friend even if you thought you were. What you thought was friendship all this time was not. It was some comfortable thing with no intimacy and no accountability and no truth. You were an acquaintance and when shit got real you couldn't handle it. Well too bad for you. But no one likes or wants to be left behind. No one wants to be the survivor that has to pick up the pieces of day to day life and trudge on like nothing has happened. Like your entire world wasn't blown totally up. You not being able to handle that is not the fault of the survivor. It is your fault for not being a good person. And fuck you if this upsets you. It should upset you. You are a bad person and should be ashamed of yourself.

I have to believe that healing will come. Otherwise, what is the point. But there are times when it seems so, so hard and I begin to wonder when, when will it come? I suppose that I should seek therapy or counseling, I have been told that I should go to group therapy and I always feel like yes I should. But when it comes down to actually making that call I think, "Ahh I am okay, I can squeeze these feelings off and write about them when they get to strong to handle."  I do not know why I am so resistant to this. I honestly don't. The idea of me being resistant to it makes no sense to me. I do not fear seeing a therapist and I do not fear being psycho-analyzed yet I can't seem to take that next step and I do not know why.

Thanks for listening folks I am going to go make myself a drink.