Thursday Thirsty?

Good morning folks. I hope today finds you well. I am doing pretty good myself, I realize that I haven't written much lately but that is often the case for me when I am feeling pretty good. I think just knowing that there is a job coming up in the future has allowed some significant peace of mind. It isn't like my money issues have changed in fact in some ways they have gotten worse since I have literally no income at all. But, knowing that I will have an income just makes a world of difference. 

Red Sector A - Rush

Blah, blah, blah, Rush....prog rock. Blah Blah

I know that some of my readers come here from Facebook and I know that a few weeks ago on Valentines day I posted a picture of my new girlfriend and for the story that I am going to tell you today I suppose I should share that picture again. 

Now contained within that picture are two things that I love very much, actually three. The Portland Timbers. Whiskey and Flogging Molly. This story involves two of those three things. Though I may add a Flogging Molly song for your listening pleasure later. Aw, hell, forget later how about right now. 

Devil's Dance Floor - Flogging Molly

Music

So, back to the beginning. I have always had an interesting relationship with alcohol. I never drank much before I was twenty-one. In fact now that I am past that age I do not drink all that much now. I would say that I drink alcohol of some sort about two or three times a month and often that depends on what is going on. This month for example, today is the 27th, I had two different beers and some samples last Saturday but up until then I had not had anything to drink other than a glass of whisky the week before. By glass I mean two fingers and some ice. I am telling you this to highlight that fact that while I enjoy a good drink and I enjoy getting a good buzz on I can take it or leave it as far as alcohol goes. In fact the only thing that I drink regularly is coffee. Glorious, glorious, coffee. The nectar of the Gods. 

Concrete Jungle - Special Beat 

Ska members of The Specials and The English Beat

So when I choose to drink alcohol I do it because there is a party going on or because I think it will be fun or funny. I own two different flasks and depending on the situation I may bring one along. But I am very careful about getting very drunk or out of control in public. It is just not who I am. I was raised by very non drinking parents and I am sure that the shame that it would bring upon them has been enough to keep me in line for years. Some lessons stick with you forever I suppose. Anyway. So, last night was a Timbers match and I thought it would be both fun and give me a story to tell if I brought my flask of Jameson along to share with a couple of the guys that I sit near at the matches. 

My Michelle - Guns N Roses

Metal

So, as you can see, taking my flask along is not a regular occurrence for me but I do bring it along now and then depending on my mood or the situation. So last night I have my flask and off to the stadium Nick and I go. We get there and head into our section and I see the fellows that I mentioned before. I stop by the first guy and offer him a pull, he thanks me graciously and he takes one and I head to my seat. Once there I slide the flask back over my shoulder to the guy that sits behind me and he thanks me and takes a quick one as well and then hands it back to me. I sit for a moment and yell at some of the other teams players on the pitch. Nothing to loud or out of control and no profanity was used. It was pretty typical heckling for me. I then took a swig from my flask. One drink that was all and not a full one. Perhaps a wee mouthful.

Suzanne - Leonard Cohen

Heartbreakingly beautiful song.

A moment later there is an usher standing in front of me and he asks if he can talk to me out on the concourse. I question him for a moment but I was already sure that the battle was lost and rather than cause a ruckus I get up and head for the top of the stairs. Once I get out there I realize that I am dealing with two or three ushers and some sort of alcohol compliance officer and two policeman. The first thing that I say to the compliance officer is "Are the police really needed for this?" He assures me that they are not there for me but of course they stand there the whole time. I am sure just in case I am some sort of threat to the good of all. Again I was not drunk in anyway and would have passed any and all intoxication tests. 

Humans Remain Human Remains - Red Fang

Metal

I will skip all of the conversation and move to me being escorted from the stadium. Now I get it. I hadn't really thought about it. But the stadium and I suppose the Timbers have a policy against outside booze. But and I realize that I may very well be nitpicking here, had I been buying my beer or liquor in the stadium and been sitting drunk as hell and yelling profanities at the other team and referees. I would not have been made to leave. Because I had spent my money there. But, because I dared to bring in outside liquid, I believe eight ounces worth, perhaps ten. I was asked to leave. A season ticket holder for nearly six years with no other problems on my record at the stadium. I have never once been drunk at a match or been warned or complained about. I have never been asked to leave and have always been a good citizen of the Timbers Army. But despite all of that. They have a "no tolerance" policy when it comes to bringing a flask in. 

It's All Over Now - Grateful Dead

Hippies

I will be back at the stadium on Saturday. I was banned for just the one match and that is good I suppose. But it does bug me because I would have gladly given them my flask or poured it out and even taken a ticket and then gone back to watch the rest of the match with no problems. But I was not even offered that as an option. It went from a fun evening to kind of a lame drive back to Salem. I am just lucky that Nick is so forgiving of my stupidity. He has been a good friend for a longtime. My sad, sad story aside I feel like it is time for the Timbers to perhaps rethink their alcohol policy and maybe take things on a case by case basis rather than treating all of us the same and perhaps if I would have wanted to push things up the ladder I might have been able to talk to a manager or something who could have given me some flexibility as far as things went. But I chose not too. I also chose not to scream and shout and case a scene and that could have easily happened as well. But I chose to behave decently about everything. That is my story and you may or may not agree with me and that is fine. I will be attending the rest of the matches this season and perhaps some away ones as well and my flask will be staying at home. The lesson was learned. Though I think the rules need to be changed I am not going to be taking up that fight. Thanks for listening. Now if you'll excuse me, I need to go to my quiet place and dance my pain and shame away. 

 

Fantastic Friday Music Mix

Keeping it going on this Fantastic Friday.

Story of Isaac - Leonard Cohen

 I like Leonard Cohen but this is an interesting song choice. It is a lovely song musically that is for sure. But I am not sure about the rest of it. All in all an odd start to the mix today.

Flash - Queen

I love this song and the movie. It is just great campy fun.

I spent the afternoon with a friend yesterday and I was reminded this morning how nice it is to spend time with someone that you can be totally honest with. There is a freedom to not having any layers between you. I know that such a thing is not the norm for everyone and it can be very hard to achieve even among married couples and my friend and I are not a couple by any means. But we have done a great job, for many different reasons, at just being upfront and honest and clear with each other and that makes our time together just a really good time and a time that is often just very refreshing.

A Bunch of Lonesome Heroes - Leonard Cohen

Another classic Cohen song. This is one that makes me think of life on the open road and rails just ramblin along.

Mountain Sound - Of Monsters And Men

This is a great song and really this whole album was just plain solid. Good stuff.

I have been sitting here feeling the thoughts dip in and out of my brain. But nothing is staying long enough to really allow me to get a hook into it and unpack it for you guys. I guess today is more of a music day and not a mental day. That happens sometimes.

Photographic - Depeche Mode

I love Depeche Mode.

I am thinking about going down to the Coffehouse today and doing some writing. But honestly right now I just do not see that happening. It isn't that I feel unable to too. It kind of feels like the socializing would wear me out. I suppose I could tuck myself into a hidden corner. But, I know that once I was down there I would want to talk to my friends rather then put ear plugs in and hide myself away.

Whoah - Midnight Oil

 I feel like I should apologize for today. The writing is not coming. The thoughts are not flowing. But I am enjoying the songs that are popping up. I am just not feeling the flow, as it were.

Long Cool Woman In A Black Dress - Hollies

Classic song.

You folks have a great Friday.

Well All Right ...

Anyone of you that have read this blog in the past knows how much I enjoy music and knows how much it is an important part of my existence and its presence in my life has been  very helpful in times both good and bad. One of the things that brings me the most peace or pleasure depending on the mood I am in is when I can create a playlist to listen to in The Van.

I have a CD player in the their and that makes it pretty easy to burn things from my computer to disc. Though it would be sweet if I could get a system in their that lets me play MP3's. The playlists that I could make would be so awesome. But anyway, before I get to off track I wanted to share with you the latest and in some ways the most personal playlist that I have made in a long time. So please give it a listen, hopefully Youtube has all of these. and let me know if you enjoyed it or not.

Blind Faith - Can't Find My Home

Blind Faith - Well All Right

The Allman Brothers - Whipping Post

Too put it bluntly the last 3 nearly 4 years have been pretty shitty. Oh I am sure that there are plenty of people who have had it far worse and I am not claiming that my life is horrible. But there have been moments of time where things looked and felt pretty bleak. But I have some very, very good people around me and them along with the music that I can listen to has really made a difference as far as things go. There are times though when in the midst of whatever emotional dive I am in that things look pretty bad and I wonder what is the point. Sometimes the music helps pull me out of that and sometimes the music helps me to kind of swim through it. It is kind of hard to explain if you haven't been in the midst of that kind of emotional wave.

The Lumineers - Hey Ho

Lynrd Skynrd - Simple Man

Kansas - Carry On

There is not much to say about these songs. They bring me some comfort and some peace as I listen to them. They also bring me sorrow but it isn't a bad kind of sorrow. It is the reality of things gone that can never return but at the same time good memories of things that I wouldn't have traded for the world as well as relationships that have formed who I am today.

Montgomery Gentry - You Do Your Thing, I'll Do Mine

Lynrd Skynrd - Free Bird (Film "Devil's Rejects"

These are songs about being true to yourself. True to myself and experiencing this pain honestly and not numbing myself to it. But letting it flow through me and not letting it overwhelm me or define me but acknowledging its existence and trying to use it to make myself a better person on the far end of it. However long that takes and I have no idea at all how long it is going to take.

Neil Young - Everybody Knows This Is Nowhere

Neil Young - Old Man

Neil Young - Needle and the Damage Done

Neil Young - Running Dry

Sometimes you feel like you are at the end of your tether and these songs help me. I know that isn't the case for everyone but hearing someone put what feels like my feelings into words does amazing things for me. Through tears and sorrow can sometimes come cleansing and healing.

O' Death - Down To Rest

The White Stripes - One More Cup of Coffee

Ralph Stanley - Oh Death

Mumford n Sons - Whispers in the Dark

It is pretty obvious how this ends and it ends the same way for all of us. I can fight it and not be honest about it or I can acknowledge it and understand this is something that happens to all of us and just accept that. I think the older that I get the less fear there is of it. This will happen and I do not know when or how and that is fine with me. This playlist leaves me with a feeling of hope and I know that may not be the case for everyone and some of you may not like it at all. But I hope that you enjoyed at least some of the songs that are hear.

Happy Canada Day!

Today is Canada day and a good friend from the north mentioned that I should put up some Canadian songs today to honor my many friends from Canada. I thought well that sounds like a fine idea. So here we go.

I know that for most music fans the obvious choice for this would be Rush and they will be included but I honestly think that for me I have to go with Neil Young as my first choice. I like that his music seems to evoke the Canadian prairies. I honestly am not sure why I feel that way but I do.

Everybody Knows This Is Nowhere - Neil Young W/ Crazy Horse

There is just something about his music that evokes the idea of Canada for me. Another Canadian artist that really enjoy and I had not really thought about him being Canadian is Leonard Cohen.

Going Home - Leonard Cohen

This is a supremely sad song. But it is also lovely and I feel like it speaks to a couple of things that I will choose to keep to myself. But if you know me you most likely know what I am talking about.  So for me the meaning is a deep one and a good one even though listening to it does pain me.

The mightiest of all Canadian bands is of course Rush and for me the song that speaks of Canada is "Lakeside Park".

Lakeside Park - Rush

I know nothing about the location of this park or what it means to the guys in the band but the song is obviously evoking a memory of the time and the place and that makes me enjoy listening to it.

I would be remiss if I didn't include a couple of lovely Canadian ladies on this list as well so here we go.

Building A Mystery - Sarah McLachlan

I haven't listened to her in a long time and I had forgotten both the era of music that she was part of as well as my enjoyment of her singing. I always liked her voice and the overall tone of her music.

Sweet Surrender - Sarah McLachlan

I had to add another one and while some may find it overwrought I enjoy it. So deal with it.

My Humps - Alanis Morissette

I had to add this beautiful cover of a horrible song by the Black Eyed Peas. Her version is both poignant and sad. But it is such a good version.

Now I am sure I left many fine Canadian artists off of this list. But these are the ones that came to mind for me. I hope you enjoyed it. 

Music To Mourn By

Today has been an interesting day. I decided that since it was Memorial Day I was going to listen to some music that I knew Eric enjoyed. He and I had a lot of similar tastes in music but we also split off a little bit and in the process of doing this I found myself being introduced to two artists that I had never really given much of a lengthy listen too before and it isn't like I was not aware of them I just hadn't bothered to give them a listen. The two artists are Tom Waits and Leonard Cohen. I actually feel kind of bad that I hadn't really listened to them before but I am going to do my best to make up for lost time and I am going to drag you along with me. I hope you enjoy the journey.

Leonard Cohen - Chelsea Hotel #2

A love of music was something that Eric and I shared, we went to a few concerts and shows together over the years but for me the one that stands out was a trip up to the Crystal Ballroom to see Flogging Molly. I remember we met up with my friend Travis in the downstairs bar and then headed up to see the show. I think at this point it was probably the third time that I had seen them but the first time I had seen them with Eric. Well the show started and pit started hopping and Eric just disappeared on me. I figured he would turn up afterwards. We were both adults and I had no doubts that he could fend for himself in the pit.

Leonard Cohen - Iodine

Well the show ended and I was kind of waiting on the outskirts of the crowd as people began to leave. Travis and I were chatting when we saw him. He stumbled out of the center area, wearing just his wife-beater tank top and had easily the biggest grin I had ever seen on his face, let alone anyone's. He was just covered in sweat and grinning like a maniac and psyched as hell about going to the show and living large in that pit the whole time. It was so amazing to see him looking so excited about the experience. That is a memory that I treasure.

Tom Waits - Blue Valentines

There was a time when Eric's sister (Nicole) and I were newly married and Eric was living in our basement. I had a pc and Eric had an Apple laptop and we were all networked up and I used to routinely check out his Itunes library  and I always enjoyed browsing through his collection and either mocking or praising his choices depending on whatever arbitrary criteria that I had put together. I don't think I ever actually disliked his music I just felt like I had to tease him about it.

Tom Waits - Telephone Call From Istanbul

I really loved having him living with us. I can't think of a time when he was a bother and I always just enjoyed hanging out with him. I would have guys over to play poker in the garage and he would join us every now and then but he really wasn't very good at cards so that didn't happen very often. There was a time after one of my birthdays when I had decided that I wanted to smoke cigars and drink some scotch and I wanted Eric to join me. So late one evening he and I and Nicole repaired to the garage to do just that. There was a time when I had the cigar band saved but I am not sure if I still do and I can't remember what brands they were either or the brand of scotch for that matter.

Tom Waits - Misery is the River of the World

So we poured the scotch and lit up the cigars and began to drink and puff away. Well I don't know what caused it but my head started to spin and my face got really warm and the next thing I remember was being bent over in the driveway and puking it all up. All the while Eric stood there smoking and drinking and laughing at me. I believe in between the laughter there was some sympathy but it was hard to tell at the time.

Leonard Cohen - Who By Fire

I was the best man at Eric and Devyn's wedding and I have never been more honored to stand up for a friend before. Their ceremony was beautiful and really the whole weekend was a great experience and one that I will always treasure. At the end of the ceremony they released some live butterflies from a box and as they fluttered away I remember thinking that it was one of the coolest things that I had ever seen. I truly love Eric and Devyn both and I was so happy to be a part of their ceremony.

I will continue to miss and to remember you brother and my hope is that I go I am as well liked and remembered as you so obviously were. I love you brother.

Take Me Back To Happy Valley?

The Bailey Bros - Take Me Back To Happy Valley

Well those tears came on fast. I was sitting here just kind of relaxing and minding my own business. I had just  watched the "Advanced Dungeons and Dragons" episode of Community and was feeling pretty good when that song that is above started playing on my computer. It just kind of hit me that for several people that I know and care about and I fear in some ways myself that the idea of an existence of "Happy Valley" is long gone and probably not going to be coming back again anytime soon. Maybe I can hope for some kind of "Somber Plateau". I just don't know.

Leonard Cohen - Bird On a Wire

I honestly do not understand what is going on with my emotions right now. I really thought things had leveled off and I have had several days without tears. There is a nervousness to my stomach and the tears are just kind of dripping out. Bah, I am really not understanding where this is coming from right at this moment. On a practical level my intellect wants to say that I just spent to much time alone in my room today and I suppose that there is some validity to that.

Toto - I'll Be Over You

Of course it might help if my music player, that is set on random, would stop playing sad songs over and over. I mean is that to much to ask. It isn't like I set it up to play songs guaranteed to make Lance cry. It is just randomly playing everything in my collection. I swear I think it has developed sentience. But back to this whole idea of a "Happy Valley". I don't even like the concept of that. I could see their being a "Happy Peak" or mountain top but valley are places of pain and sorrow. I can see myself rising out of the valley to like I said earlier a "Somber Plateau" but honestly I do not think happiness is in the cards for me and rising to some peak of pleasure and joy I fear may be totally beyond me.

Trampled By Turtles - School Bus Driver


 I try to live a life that is kind of anchored in the present. The idea of Zen Buddhism and being present is an idea that I like and one that I have had great success with. I don't dwell too much on the past and I don't worry too much about what may happen in the future. But the reality is that right now in the present there is a huge empty spot and it is always going to stay empty. I don't think it will ever get filled and I don't think it should. I think it should be a raw and open ache and it should color my daily existence in one form or the other.

Bill Monroe - Along About Daybreak

I don't say that as a bad thing necessarily but to acknowledge that it is my reality right now.

For whatever that is worth. 

  

Thoughts.......

Overall today was a good day. Things felt rather sunny, but for some reason in the last half hour things have taken rather an odd turn. I am feeling rather anxious all of a sudden and I am not sure why.

I realized today, that a conversation that I had before Eric's memorial service this last Saturday, was something that I had dreamt about, years and years before. But I had, had no context for the conversation and no idea what it was in relation too. I have "deja vu" incidents pretty regularly and I do not know if they are valid or not. But when they happen they certainly feel real to me. They are always in dream form and they are very vivid and then sometime in the future the incident happens in real time. I can't control them or know when they are going to happen or why. But it happens and as it does or soon after, I realize that I had seen or experienced it before.

I just want so much to have good days, I want to sleep at night. I want the people that I care about to not have to hurt. I want to fix them. I want to save them. I want to not be mad at the ways that other people are processing this. I want to take their pain away.

Well, I suppose blogging served its purpose, my mind feels a little more clear and I feel more calm then I was earlier. So thank the Lord for small miracles I suppose.

I know Eric liked, Leonard Cohen and hopefully this can bring some healing to those of you who are hurting like I am. I know that for me it is helping. Eric was not a traditional believer by any means, and neither am I. But he had faith and we all find comfort in many different ways and religious experiences can happen in many different forms. I love you Eric and I look forward with hope to when I can see you again.