Merry Christmas?

Merry Christmas. Is that what it is? I feel like I am supposed to be excited about Christmas and all of the fun and family adventures that it brings. But in reality I am really having a hard time feeling excited about it this year. Oh I could give you a list of all the reasons that I have not to be excited about a (holiday?) that seems to bring out the worst of consumerism in everyone and seems to bring all kinds of family issues to the forefront for so many people. But that isn't really the point is it and I suppose I might feel a little bit different if I had children around me who were excited about this time of year.

So believe me when I tell you that I get it. I get that I am perhaps being a little bit silly and perhaps wallowing in my being alone. So to speak. I do not mind being alone. I enjoy it for the most part and it is a life that I have pretty much actively  chosen. I also realize that I am not actually alone. I do have friends and family and friends that are like family around me. But there are times when that doesn't seem to be enough. There are people who are not around anymore and who will never be around and I miss them. I also realize that missing them is not going to bring them back to me and that feeling sad about missing them is where a lot of the pain is coming from. I am actively working on trying to be more Buddhist in my daily life. I meditate and try to be more mindful of things and to live in the present. But it is not that simple at times.

I suppose it is the normal cycle of things to feel like one is doing well and then to feel like one is doing poorly and to feel like the world is closing in around them. I know that this is probably the first year in several years if not my entire life that the darkness of the winter in the pacific northwest is getting to me. I am feeling the gloom of the dark and rainy days. I am finally understanding what some of my friends talk about when they talk about how bad the weather is here in the wintertime. But really I know what the problem is and it is one that I am almost sick of writing about but for me writing about it is the best way to get it out and to release it into the universe.

I miss you Eric. I hate that you aren't here. One of my favorite things about this time of year was Christmas mornings with you and Devyn and my and Nicoles little house. I loved being there with your parents and you two and sharing that experience. It always made me feel like you were living with us again and I really missed that. After the divorce happened I really missed having you around I missed you being a part of my life. It mean't so much to me that you kept me around and connected. You didn't have any reason to do that. So many people would have walked away. It probably would have been easier for so many people to walk away and you didn't. This mean't the world to me. I do not know if I ever expressed that enough to you.

None of that matters now. You are gone. So many things that I would love to share with you. But that is over. That was a moment in time that will never return and most of the time I do a good job of shutting it down inside me and pretending that the empty hole doesn't exist. But then it all builds up and it is like the hole overflows with the emptiness and it all must come pouring out of me or I will be overwhelmed by it. I sometimes wonder how others function with all of this. I sometimes wonder how I am functioning with all of this. But going on seems to be the only option. To not is not something that I can do or that I want to do. I have no interest in that. What I have an interest in is loving others and caring for others and trying to making the lives of people around me better.

I am not writing this as some kind of cry for help. I am in no danger of hurting myself. I just have a hard time understanding how other people are able to process this. I know that we are all facing our own journeys and that the struggle is different for all of us. So trying to stand outside of someones life and judge how they are doing is a pretty pointless exercise and one that isn't beneficial to either of us. But knowing these things doesn't take my empathy away from me and often the pain that I feel within that is so strong. I think in some way that is why I love music so much because I can lose myself in the emotion of it without losing myself in the pain that others are feeling. I think that it allows me to empty myself so that I can be filled up again. That cycle never seems to stop. I am not trying to pat myself on the back or shake my own hand here. I am just recognizing where the feelings come from inside of me and where they go.

All of this coming back to I love you and miss you Eric. Sometimes I am mad at you for leaving. I still do not understand it and I do not know that I ever will. I think that if I ever understand it I may be to close to the darkness inside of myself and I do not want that. The darkness is there and it is ever-present but it is not overwhelming and it does not push at me or seem to desire growth. But for me to deny that it exists would mean lying to myself and to others who do care about me. The darkness is part of who I am and it is also a part of my being able to care for others. I am not scared of it nor do I wallow in it. But it is a part of me. Just like love is a part of me and that part of me is the largest part of me. The love in me outshines the darkness and while the world does get me down at times I know that the love does shine through. It isn't the love that I used to think of when I was a small child and was going to bible school. I know that and I am okay with that. I sometimes feel the limits of language when I write like this and I feel limited and unable to fully articulate the complexity of my feelings. But that is what it comes down to for me. I desperately want others to not have to feel pain and fear to not have to feel anger and hate. I want to be able to take that from them and hold it within myself for a time before releasing it.

When I hug someone I want them to know that I am present and that I feel them and see them there in whatever space they are in. That I will not judge them. That compassion and empathy are all that I want to bring to the encounter. To leave them feeling better and to leave knowing that I have taken some of their pain away and lightened their load. That is all that I want. The world is hard enough without us being mean to each other. I am by no means perfect and I fail but I have to keep trying. Otherwise there is no point and for me loving others is the point. The only point. I do not know who if anyone will actually read this but here it is. Please know that I love you and if you need something please let me know. I will do what I can to be there in some form or the other.

Be well and know that I love you. Thanks for reading this. 

Monday Musings

Today was the first day of my third week of work and it went well. It is nice to be back working and to be on a schedule and I find agreeable. But if I had one concern it is that I am having a hard time figuring out how I can do my writing. I am hoping that Monday afternoon and evenings are going to be a time that I can devote to writing and listening to music and continuing to explore my journey through life on both a physical and emotional level. Now, I realize that this may or may not be interesting to some of you. But, I also realize that as far as I am concerned I need to have the freedom of writing to express myself and that by writing I am able to keep myself sane. Writing allows me to get the voices out of my head and allows me to say things that I am not always able to say and for that I am profoundly grateful. I do not know how people live who are unable to have an outlet like I have.

Pretty Girl from Feltre - The Avett Brothers

Today is March 24th and I am basically dreading the coming of April, I am dreading it because in the middle of April it will be a year since Eric's death. And while I have made some pretty significant strides in dealing with this I am in now way ready to deal with this anniversary and I really honestly do not know how I am going to be able to process it. The very thought of it as I write is bringing tears to my eyes and I do not even feel all that emotional at the present time. But I am can feel them swirling around behind the small blockade that I have thrown up as a weak defense against being overwhelmed by them.

Warning - Black Sabbath

I have noted before that I do not fear my feelings and I have learned to embrace them and to ride them and in some ways bathe in them. That may not be the best way to word it but I am not sure honestly how to word it. I know that it is unhealthy for me to close myself off and to pretend that the pain isn't there and that if I fight against it the pain often lasts longer then it would have if I had just faced it head on and let it overwhelm me for a time. I think that is the strange nature of grief and loss. It can come upon us without warning and then leave again without a trace for a time. But that is just an illusion because there is always a trace. It is in the world around me. It is in the music that I listen too or the books that I read or the television shows that I watch. Or even how I carry myself and respond to certain situations. I am unable to look at my bookcase without seeing a book or two or three or more that Eric either inspired me to read or gave me directly to read. I love those books and I have not regretted ever reading them. Nor have I or will I ever regret reading them.

Only in Your Heart - America

There are films that I have avoided watching since his death. It isn't that I dislike there films. But I am not sure that I am ready to face the feelings that these films are going to bring about in me. They are not good or bad but they are sure to be intense and overwhelming and I am not sure how ready I am for such a thing. I want to say 'What the hell, just face it head on." But I can't. I want too. I want to sit down and watch 'The Royal Tenenbaums' and 'Almost Famous' and 'Fight Club' and other films that remind me of him. But I just can't. I want to so badly and I the idea of it just locks me up and makes my chest tighten with pain.

No one Knows - Queens of the Stone Age

On Saturday night I had my, what I call, my philosophy group. It is more like a fellowship group of some partially like minded thinkers and we discuss all kinds of things. I normally leave the group energized and fed and group was good that night. We did a question can thing that I always enjoy doing. But once it was over I wandered into the coffeehouse and had myself a drink and also ran into two of my good friends. These are two people that always make me feel welcome and also are really good for conversation. So I am always happy to see them. One of them asked how I was doing and I thought about it for a bit and realized that I was feeling rather aimless and basically at a loss. It was a beautiful evening Saturday. The air was still and warm but not too warm and everything was very nice. But I was not feeling nice. I wandered out to my van after saying goodbye and I was really at a loss.

Every Dog Has Its Day - Flogging Molly

I finally decided that the only smart thing too do was to go home. It wasn't like I was going to hurt myself. At least I do not think so. But the air felt almost swollen with anticipation and I do not know what I was expecting but it really felt to me like there something waiting to drop and when it dropped it would overwhelm me and I wasn't sure if that was going to be good or bad. To me the air felt like it does just before a thunder storm is about to hit. I drove home in near tears and by the time I made it into my inner sanctum the tears had begun to flow but I did not know what was driving them. They were just flowing. I tried to do some writing but was unable to achieve anything close to getting out what I was feeling. So I watched some very stupid television. It was Tosh.0 and anyone who is familiar with it knows how stupid it can be. It may not have been the healthiest choice but it allowed me to move beyond the gloom that was hanging over me.

Salty Dog - Flogging Molly

So that being said. I am not sure what was going on. I just do not know. But Sunday was a better day and so was today and now I am writing and that is a good thing. The act of writing just makes me feel better. It helps me to feel like something is coming out even if it is something that doesn't totally make sense to other people. But it works for me and for the moment there is some calm in the storm that swirls inside of me. I will never forget Eric. He will always be with me and I will always love him and I will continue to get tattoos upon my body that remind me of him. That is how I choose to remember him and to honor his life and his memory. He left permanent marks on my life and leaving permanent marks on my skin is how I can remember and honor that.

The Worst Day Since Yesterday - Flogging Molly


 I know that April will be hard for me and I apologize ahead of time if I seem distant and kind of out to lunch. I apologize if my writings are overly emotional and weepy. I am an emotional guy and this is my canvas for processing theses things. Thank you for reading my thoughts and for caring about me. I love all of you and I hope to continue to share my love with you in the months ahead.  So remember, be kind because the journey for all of us is a hard one and please keep on dancing.

9 Months

It's been nine months...nine months since he left me, left us, left everything behind. It isn't helpful for me to speculate and to ask myself why. Though it happens. It happens when I lay wide awake in the darkness of my room and my mind starts to scream, WHY, WHY, WHY.

The Ghost of Rockschool - Belle and Sebastian

It happens when I slip in my meditation and think that I don't need it. But if I don't do it. If I don't stay focused on centering myself in the present and the now. The voices come back. The sadness comes back. The questions come back. I start asking myself if I let him down. What could I have done to have saved him from his darkness. It is very easy for me to put the face on and be the Lance that everybody expects me to be. I have grown used to it.

The Wrong Girl - Belle and Sebastian

But, there are times when I am not sure who or what the real Lance is. You would think that I could have figured that out by now. Perhaps I will one day. I am honestly not sure if I need too. Though it would be nice if I could find a way to use my tiresome existential angst to pay the bills. But then I suppose I would not fit the profile of a tortured artist. Am I am artist? I do not know.

Hand in Glove - The Smiths

Does having a blog make me an artist? Or am I thinking far to highly of myself. I suppose either is possible. Is it fear that stops me from fully embracing my writing? Maybe it is my laziness. I just do not know. That seems to me to be the constant in all of my writing. I do not know and it drives me nuts to not know. Why is that so important to me?

Atomic - Sleeper

There are plenty of people who do not know and they seem to be just fine. Or perhaps they do not feel the need to blurt everything out here on the computer screen so that everyone can read it. Again, I do not know. The only thing that I can say for sure is that I do not like taking pills to help myself sleep. I do not like how it makes me feel the day after.

Hotel Song - Regina Spektor

Once again though. The writing has helped me. The writing has gotten things out that were swirling around in my brain. In some way the writing has saved me. It always has. It always has when I allow myself to do it. When I give myself in to the thoughts that are flowing through me and I write them down without a filter. That is the time when it saves me. The words have to get out. Sometimes I can tell that is going on when I am giving someone a free lecture at the coffeehouse and I can see their eyes glazing over. I wonder is this more for me benefit or theirs. I suspect that it is for mine. But I would like to think that it is for them.

Satellite of Love - Lou Reed

I miss you Eric. I miss hanging out with you. I miss playing disc golf with you. I miss going to concerts. I miss watching soccer. I miss eating scotch eggs. I miss drinking with you. I miss arguing about movies. Sometimes I hate you for leaving me and making me feel this way. I remember watching you ride away in that VW Van with Casey and surprising myself with my tears. I remember how happy and excited I was when you came rolling back down the street.

Perfect Day - Lou Reed

I MISS YOU AND YOU ARE NEVER COMING BACK AND IT FUCKING SUCKS. It just fucking sucks. There is no other way for me to say it. There is no way to sugarcoat it.

Camera Obscura - Nico

Music Monday

Good Monday to you brethren. I decided that we are going to keep it going with the Alternative Music Genre as decided by the Google music machine. So here we go.

Sister, Do You Know My Name - The White Stripes

 I can honestly say that this is a band that I always enjoy hearing. I really do not think that there is a song that The White Stripes did that I enjoy listening too. Some are more loud and ruckus then others and some are more bluesey but all are just plain worth listening too.

Black Girls - Violent Femmes

Nice, nice, nice. This is another band that I always enjoy listening to and the overall history of the band is one that is very interesting as well. I hope that the song causes you to look them up. I do not think that you will be disappointed at all. There are some very sweet drums and cowbell in this song as well.

What's Left of the Flag - Flogging Molly

This is a band that I very much enjoy and a band that brings back some great memories of some very good times with friends seeing them perform. I watched them live many, many times and they have never ever disappointed.

The Likes of You Again - Flogging Molly

I need to dedicate this to my friend Eric. That is all that needs to be said. Eric, you are forever missed.

Apple Blossom - The White Stripes

A great song, just flows so smoothly.

Grey Day - Madness

Yes, Yes, Yes. Some classic 2nd wave ska. Madness is one of the great ones and this is one of their great songs and one that is pretty appropriate for me at times. Regardless I love it.

Well that is it for me. I hope you folks enjoyed the music today and the rest of your day goes well.

Final Friday

This was my friend Eric's house actually to be more specific Eric and Devyn took this pretty beat up old house in the St Johns area of Portland and turned it into a home. It was a lovely home with a lovely backyard and little garden. The backyard was a very soothing place to just hang out and listen to music and relax. They do not live here anymore. Eric is gone and the house has been sold and there is no reason for me to go to St Johns anymore.

This is the St Johns bridge. I used to drive over this bridge on my way to visit Eric and Devyn at their home. Now Eric is gone and there is no reason for me to drive over this bridge anymore.

Dave Brubeck - Kathy's Waltz

Eric is gone and I will never see him again and that makes me very very sad. I told Devyn last night that I have never wanted to travel back in time before and now sometimes it is all that I think about. I don't even know what I could do or that I could fix anything or even stop him from the choice he made. I know intellectually that there no real chance of me going back in time and nothing is going to change.

Grateful Dead - Ripple

The intellectual knowledge does not seem to make things any easier or to even dull the pain. These are all questions that I have asked before and as I move toward the 6th month of this I wonder if I will ever stop asking them. Will I ever feel peace or the moments I have of laughter or pleasure are they they fleeting moments and the consistent reality of my life going to be one of somberness and dull unyielding pain. I don't know, I just do not know.

Neil Young - There's A World

My life was better with you in it Eric and I miss you. Missing you doesn't change anything but there is a void that can't be filled now matter what I throw to throw into it and right now it is just a void that echoes with my numbness and my painful screams that I can't seem to vocalize as much as I wish that I could.

Neil Young - Round & Round

35 is to young. Far to young and you had to much life left to live and thing pretty much fucking suck now because of it.

Neil Young - The Losing End


"It's so hard for me now, but  I'll make it somehow. Though I know I'll never be the same. "

I can only hope that this is true and continue to put one foot in front of the other. Because like Dr Bob said it is all "Baby steps."

Sick and Tired of It

Hey folks, I have not written for awhile and that is mainly because I have been basically holed up in my lair for the last week or so because I have had a pretty nasty cough and it has seriously hindered my ability to get to the coffee shop which is where I do the majority of my writings. But I am feeling like I can do a little this evening.

REM - Cuyahoga

I am still looking for needful employment. I have enjoyed living this life of leisure but it has grown both tiresome and boring. I need to move on to the next thing and to put some money in the banks. As much as I love living in this new golden age of Socialism under Obama it still seems that I have to work and I am just not getting my fair share of things from other peoples labors. I honestly thought that things would be better for the enlightened ones like myself and as much as I enjoy my thrice daily White Russians all that vodka is not free.

Well that and what was the point of my nifty new haircut if I can't get a job. I may as well have continued to grow my glorious locks and my lovely sideburns in perpetuity. It was not easy to cultivate those sideburns let me tell you. I have to now shave at least twice if not three times a week to keep my face so baby soft and let me tell you friends that is just exhausting.

REM - Gardening At Night

On an emotional level things are still kind of up and down. I have good days and bad days and I am sleeping better I suppose but even that is sporadic at best. I still miss Eric and I suppose that I always shall which is a good thing. But there are times now when that missing him is tainted by some anger and I do not particularly enjoy feeling that way. I may have addressed this before and if I have I apologize but here it is. I do respect the autonomy of the individual and when it is in the theoretical it is very easy for me to say "sure, people should have the right to determine their own existence." But in the reality of the aftermath. In the midst of the chaos that has been left behind for his family and friends I am not so sure.

REM - Find The River

I tried 5 times to write something on his Facebook page yesterday about how I was missing him and honestly all that came out was anger and I stopped myself from writing anything. Anger will not bring him back. Nothing will and intellectually I know that but it feels like my emotions have now slid into that stage of things. Whatever that stage is on the scale of stages. All I know is that I do not like or enjoy feeling angry about Eric. He never made me angry. I always enjoyed being around him and often he left me smiling or laughing or thinking deeply. He left deep deep roots in my psyche. Good roots from good experiences and good conversations that are wrapped around my soul and I honestly am glad that they are their despite the pain it causes me to think about them. My life is for the better because he was in it. 

REM - Oddfellows Local 151

All that being said. My life is not for the better without him in it. I muddle along trying to figure out what is next. I spend time with friends, I read and write and I listen to music and I meditate and I spend time with friends. But, the friend that I would like to spend time with is unavailable and always will be. Is that a metaphor for something bigger in life? I don't know and frankly I am not sure if I care right now. This is what happens when you write while you are all hopped up on the cold medicines. The synapses are firing on all cylinders baby!! You know you love it. You want a metaphor I have a metaphor for you.  

Who am I kidding I don't have a metaphor for you. No nuggets of wisdom to import. No moments of Zen to make your life worth living. Just the hope that you can keep on doing it day to day and knowing that I am here if you need someone to talk too. Because, I like to talk and for some strange reason people seem to like me. So catch you later folks. It's been real. Let me close with these thoughts from the film 'Pump up the Volume'

“Ok, this is really me now. No more hiding. Listen, we’re all worried, we’re all in pain. That just comes with having eyes and with having ears. But just remember one thing, it can’t get any worse, it can only get better. I mean High School is the bottom. Being a teenager sucks! But that’s the point, surviving it is the whole point! Quitting is not going to make you strong, living will. So just hang on and hang in there. You know, I know all about the hating and the sneering. I’m a member of the “why bother” generation myself. But why did I bother to come out here tonight, and why did you? I mean, It’s time. It’s begins with us, not with politicians, the experts or the teachers but with us. With you and with me. The ones who need it most. I gotta believe, with everything in me, the whole world is longing for healing. Even the trees, the earth itself are crying out for it. You can hear it everywhere. Same kinda healing I desperately needed and I finally feel has begun, with you.”
— Mark Hunter (Hard Harry)

We are all humans so lets keep loving each other okay and hey, give someone a hug tomorrow. Who knows it might just make a difference. 

TEARS

                                                 

                                                                “Don't be ashamed to weep; 'tis right to grieve. Tears are only water, and flowers, trees, and fruit cannot grow without water. But there must be sunlight also. A wounded heart will heal in time, and when it does, the memory and love of our lost ones is sealed inside to comfort us.” 
― Brian Jacques, Taggerung

It has been three months since the event and sleep continues to elude me, oh sure there are some nights where the illusion of sleep has been there and their are mornings when my brain forces me to lay back down and get a quick nap in. But that is not true sleep. There has not been true sleep. There has not been deep untroubled sleep. There has been the tossing and the turning of the troubled and the distressed. There has been the tears and the questions and the desire for peace that even mediation will not bring because nothing can be fixed. There has been the hope and faith...two things that you have never been good at that things will get better and that you and the other people that you care about will survive this things and be able to continue to live this life that tastes of ash in your mouth.

There have been moments of distraction and escape that are ever so fleeting and while you try to hold on to them you know that they are going to slip away and you began to wonder if that is going to be the nature of life now. The up and up and up of the distraction followed by the plummet downward into the dark abyss of despair. The abrupt shock of a television show or movie making a joke that three months ago you would have found humorous and now you find horrifying and wonder of you are ever going to truly find anything amusing again. You are becoming a good actor and getting increasingly better at saying the right things and making the jokes and putting that smile on so that you don't bring them down with your concerns and worries.

You lose yourself in music and the hug of others. That seems to work surprisingly well. But like anything else it only lasts for a certain amount of time. You are supposed to be looking for work and to be a productive member of society but you are finding that increasingly harder to do and the reality of the pointlessness of life is becoming harder and harder to ignore.

“It's easy to cry when you realize that everyone you love will reject you or die.” 
― Chuck Palahniuk

This seems to be truly what I would like and sadly I seem unable to get enough of either. 

Writing...

The book in the picture above was given to me by Eric. He gave me three books that are very important to me and impacted my life at the time and continue to impact my life. These books were Stephen King's On Writing, and Donald Miller's Blue Like Jazz, and Searching For God Know's What.

Sodom, South Georgia - Iron and Wine

Now there are a lot of people who know that I like to write and their are a lot of people who know that I spend an inordinate amount of time wrapped up in my head space being conflicted about my person and who I need to be in this life. But only one person has ever given me a gift that covered all of those things. Only one person seemed to fully get what I had going on within. That was Eric. He in the space of a year gave me three gifts that completely turned around my thinking on writing and God and Church and in doing so my life also changed.

Calamity Song - The Decemberists

I was excited when I found my well worn copy of On Writing I can't fully emphasize the importance of this book to me. But once that initial excitement faded, the sadness snuck back in. It is just a really shitty feeling to know that there is literally nothing I can do now. He is gone and I can do nothing to bring him back and that when I want to have a conversation with him about any number of subjects it is impossible for me to do so.

FUCK, FUCK,FUCK,FUCK. IT IS ALL SO MUCH BULLSHIT ......

and there is not enough distractions to keep me from freaking out on a weekly basis.

Sunset and Soon Forgotten - Iron and Wine

Why is that not an option? Instead I feel everything over and over and over. Sick of it . . . 

Put on that Smiling Face....

I try to be honest with people. I really do. I think most people would say that I am an honest person and will answer questions truthfully but I still find myself falling back into a reflexive "I'm good" when people ask "How are you doing?" But more often then not I am not doing "good" or "well" depending upon your level of grammar Nazi.

I don't intend to lie. But it is so much easier to just say the reflexive answer rather then have to have a big long conversation about why I am not feeling well. To do so just seems so exhausting.

Both Sides Now - Judy Collins

I was watching a documentary about the "Grateful Dead" today and the man who had written Ripple (Robert Hunter) said this while talking about when he wrote that song and several other very transcendent songs.

"Would those days but come again. Oh they will, they will. But not for me" 

That really resonated with me on several levels. On a personal level, what is done is done and what is past is past and while there may always be a twinge of nostalgia for those things I have be honest and realize that they will never come back again and I can't relive them even if I wanted to. I guess it is all on a personal level but the quote made me think about Eric and that he is gone. Those days will not come again and my life goes on whether I like it or not. The world continues to spin and people continue to function and move forward even I do not feel like I can move forward. Because it often does seem a little bit pointless and I feel like I have to fabricate a reason to take those steps forward and to continue to function in some way.

Ripple - Grateful Dead

Also my back hurts today and that seems to have upped my crankiness and made everything seem oh so overly dramatic. Ugh

Feelings....

kind of suck and yet I know that if I did not have the feelings that I do and live like I do with my heart on the outside of my body I would not like who I am. I like who I am for the most part. I like that I am compassionate and that I care about others and that for the most part people like me. But there are times when the emotions are overwhelming the careful controls and locks that I have put in place and those are the times where I think it sure would be nice to have a break now and then from being Mr. Emotional.

Lonely Days - The Bee Gees

But I also know at my core that I would not be happy if I did not have access to my emotions. I think that my level of empathy is high because of my emotions and that allows me to connect with people on a deeper level then I would be able to otherwise and I am glad for that connectedness with my friends. I crave and treasure the deeper more intimate relationships that I have with those people that I can be emotionally transparent with and I think that it is a two way street. At least I hope it is.

White Moon - The White Stripes

If it isn't I suppose I owe some people some apologies for their putting up with me over the years. But I really don't think that is something that I have to worry about.

Defy You - The Offspring

I miss you Eric. You were a good friend to me and were very much like another brother to me. The void that you have left is far deeper and far harder to fill then I thought it would be. I get moments of forgetfulness and things seem okay but the memories always come back. They come back when a friend asks me about "Fight Club" or when I go to eat breakfast at Josey's  restaurant in Salem that was a favorite of Eric and myself.

We used to communicate a lot over Instagram and one of the last things that he said to me when I posted I was at Josey's and said that I wished he was with me. He said "Totally! Love that place!"  I went their for breakfast this week and while the food was good it just wasn't the same at all.

Boxing - Ben Folds

I wonder if I ever will get used to things not being the same at all? Will that be my new normal? Is that even a functional thing? To walk around pretending to be normal but knowing that inside nothing is normal and never will be? How do I, how do most of us function with that? Late night thoughts of the mournful insomniac. Thank you for bearing with me.

Both Sides Now - Judy Collins

Am I Authentic or Am I Performing....

I had some interesting thoughts this weekend. I am going to try to share them with you as they came to me and along with that I may well do some processing or try to do some processing to find out what they mean to me.

Everybody Know This Is Nowhere - Neil Young

I was asked (by a good friend) "All well on your end?" I gave it some thought for actually a couple of days for a couple of reasons. One being that she is a good enough friend that I knew it wasn't a throwaway question and so it deserved an honest answer and the second being that I honestly did not know for sure what an honest answer was. Is all well on my end? Even as I think about that right now I am not sure.

Round and Round - Neil Young

This is what my answer was.

"I don't know if things are well or not. I am functioning but I am honestly not even sure at what level. I think I am still confused as to how I am feeling about Eric and dealing with that. Also just my feelings for his family and my ex-wife along it. Things are just very muddled right now."

There was some joking about lacing the muddledness(sp) with scotch,because we both like to drink some scotch now and then and as I thought a little more about it. This thought popped into my head.

"I hate being so self aware that I can't even let myself get so drunk that I do something real stupid. I hate being sick the next day so I always stop myself before I can get to the point where I might have a real drunken emotional breakthrough.

 That is the funny thing about pot for me. I am never out of control and I feel fine the next day. It just works for me on a relaxation level but not on a level where I can shut off the voice in my head that questions the authenticity of my every action.

 I think that is part of my struggle with honesty because even as I strive to be honest and real there is always that voice inside my head that is asking "but were you really honest, are you really being real? Or are you on a stage because you know that is what they want to see from you?"
I hate that voice."

Down by the River - Neil Young

That is a totally unvarnished thought. It is unfiltered and not changed at all from when I first thought it. So I suppose that is a good thing that I was able to express it without first running round and round through my brain to make sure what I really was thinking and meaning by it.

 It has been a little over a month since Eric died and intellectually I know that each person mourns in their own way and that the time and the process is different for each of us. But that honestly does me no good because my emotional reaction or feels as the cool kids call them are overriding my intellect.

The Losing End - Neil Young

But maybe that is okay. Maybe for me, my honest reaction is to question the authenticity of my feelings and in doing this I am honestly dealing with whatever it is that I am dealing with. Or perhaps I just made a nice logical circle that is eating it's own tail. Which may be one of the reasons that I very nearly failed logic in college. I love philosophy but logic was never my friend.

Running Dry - Neil Young

I pride myself on not caring what people think and normally that isn't a problem for me at all. I may have addressed this before as well. But I do not understand why this is concerning me. Most of the time I am left to my own devices and people can't even see the maelstrom of why's and how about's that is whirling around in my head and the only time it really comes to the surface is when I decide to answer a perfectly pleasant question honestly.

Out On The Weekend - Neil Young

As I sit here thinking about what I put in bold up there. I realize I am torn by a couple of things. I am upset and saddened by Eric's death at what I thought of as far to young of an age. That brings me sorrow and upsets me. But also and in some ways at a more deeper and fundamental level I am bothered and upset and saddened at the effect that this has had on so many people. I do wake up everyday thinking about this missing spot in my life but my pain, I feel , is nothing compared to that of Devyn and Nicole and his parents and others. At this point, it really feels like that is what is hurting me more or making me more upset. I want to do more. I want to fix an unfixable situation and that is killing me.  And yet even as I reach this moment of clarity I hear that voice in my head saying "Do you?" "Do you really feel that way or do you think that is what people want you to feel, so you are going to tell them that is what you are feeling?" I do not know how to answer that voice or if I even need to.

A Man Needs A Maid - Neil Young

I do honestly feel a little bit at sea...what focus and direction that I used to have in my life has been blown out of the water. I get up each day and turn in a few job applications with little or no response or luck. I write a little bit and then I take a nap because I have really only slept two or three hours that night or perhaps I have slept six hours in two separate three hour groups. All that I know is that I have not have a full night of sleep in  over a month and I know that is beginning to wear on me.

Old Man - Neil Young

Am I becoming the Old Man? I didn't used to be. But that may be a topic for another blog post. We shall see.

Interesting....

So I am doing my usual Thursday morning thing. That is to sit at the coffee shop at the table I usually sit at and drink my coffee and apply for jobs and visit with my friends who come in. Now that is all pretty normal and typical and everything. But I al feeling rather agitated and I am not totally sure where it is coming from.

Run Run Run - The Who

I am in the middle of reading an article on ESPN.com called When The Beautiful Game Turns Ugly  and I think that is part of my agitation. The article is about racism in Serie A which is the top level of professional soccer in Italy. The level of racism that the author is describing is mind blowing to me. I just don't understand it and frankly I am not sure that I really want too. It is truly beyond me and I am finding it so maddening and angering that I had to put down the article to write to you to allow me some time to vent these things out of me. I realized that I was starting to get a little bit out of control angry about the article when I saw a white guy with a dog walk by. He was minding his own business but my first thought was that I want to go punch that guy right in his stupid grinning face.

5:15 - The Who

I did not do that and I rarely if ever any more feel like that. My days of street fighting are past and I do not miss them and I am glad I am beyond that. So  it really comes as a bit of a surprise to me that an article condemning a behavior that I find abhorrent would get me so worked up that I want to randomly assault a passer-by. I know that it is probably part of the residual stress that I am dealing with in still processing Erics death as well as my job hunt and just the natural stresses of life in the last month or so. But it certainly doesn't excuse me feeling like that. I am pretty self aware but I even confuse myself sometimes.

1921 - The Who

I wish I had some spark of wisdom that would wash away all of my angst but this does not seem likely at all and in some ways me feeling agitated and angry is a better feeling then me me feeling sad and hopeless. So I have that going for me. Which is nice I guess. I am not trying to be flip about what is a very real thing for me. But also being a little flip allows me to cope a little bit with these emotional swings that seem to happen on an every other day basis or every few days. The only real outlet does seem to be the listening to of the music and the writing of the blog. So I suppose it could be far worse and I could be acting out in other ways. I am sure that when I was younger I probably would have been. But the honestly nice thing is that as I write I can feel the tension leave and that makes a huge difference.

Don't Let Go The Coat - The Who

I guess I will just hold on to the hope that things will change. That seems to be all I can do. 

What Happens When We Step Through The Portal?

Today was not a good day. There were parts of it that were but overall it just wasn't. When I was sitting in the silence and the solitude it was fine. But when I decided to leave and go out of the house things kind of went haywire. It was a beautiful day out. The sky is nice and blue and there are puffy clouds everywhere and the temperature is not to high. It is just a nice, nice day. But there are no more nice days for Eric and in reality I wonder how many nice days there are for me. Oh sure I am very capable of putting on the smiling face and totally faking it and my body and mind sometimes even believe me.

Landed - Ben Folds

But in the end when I stop distracting myself it all comes crashing in on me. But everything really seems to taste of ash and there is no real joy in anything for me. There are momentary glimpses of joy that soon fade as reality and the truth of the situation come rushing back in to fill the blissful void.  It feels like I have some kind of inertia built up that is just keeping me moving and doing routine things even when I am not sleeping at night. I had thought that I had handled the lack of sleep and things were getting better but in the last four days or so that has not been the case at all. In fact it feels like it has gotten worse in some ways.

All You Can Eat - Ben Folds

The honestly frustrating thing for me is that I can feel myself feeling better as I listen to music and write down my thoughts. But it isn't like I can sit and do this all day every day. Well I suppose I could but I am not sure how to turn this into a paying gig. Would someone like to be my patron? I wonder if I could do a kickstarter to fund myself writing for a few years. I suppose I could look into it and try to find out if I could. I think people make a living doing worse things that is for sure.

Philosophy - Ben Folds

I think part of what upsets me so much is the inability to say good bye to Eric. I was not able to sit down with him and have that final long extended conversation about life and Zen and Philosophy and what makes the world tick. That pains me. That is a void that I will never be able to fill in anyway and it makes me want to scream because of it. It all just kind of narrows down to that point. Oh I know all the words and all the things people say but even knowing that it wasn't my fault and that it wasn't up to me to save him. It still feels like I failed to save him. That all of the mystical mumbo jumbo that I use to allow myself to function and to get through life was not enough for him despite all of our conversations and it it eats me up inside everyday.

Rock Star - Ben Folds

..and while I know all of this on an intellectual level, it is not enough for me on an emotional level and those thoughts and words just continually swirl around and around in my head unless I can keep up the constant motion and the constant attempts at distraction and I don't know when it will ever stop. and, and, and, forever and ever amen.