TEARS

                                                 

                                                                “Don't be ashamed to weep; 'tis right to grieve. Tears are only water, and flowers, trees, and fruit cannot grow without water. But there must be sunlight also. A wounded heart will heal in time, and when it does, the memory and love of our lost ones is sealed inside to comfort us.” 
― Brian Jacques, Taggerung

It has been three months since the event and sleep continues to elude me, oh sure there are some nights where the illusion of sleep has been there and their are mornings when my brain forces me to lay back down and get a quick nap in. But that is not true sleep. There has not been true sleep. There has not been deep untroubled sleep. There has been the tossing and the turning of the troubled and the distressed. There has been the tears and the questions and the desire for peace that even mediation will not bring because nothing can be fixed. There has been the hope and faith...two things that you have never been good at that things will get better and that you and the other people that you care about will survive this things and be able to continue to live this life that tastes of ash in your mouth.

There have been moments of distraction and escape that are ever so fleeting and while you try to hold on to them you know that they are going to slip away and you began to wonder if that is going to be the nature of life now. The up and up and up of the distraction followed by the plummet downward into the dark abyss of despair. The abrupt shock of a television show or movie making a joke that three months ago you would have found humorous and now you find horrifying and wonder of you are ever going to truly find anything amusing again. You are becoming a good actor and getting increasingly better at saying the right things and making the jokes and putting that smile on so that you don't bring them down with your concerns and worries.

You lose yourself in music and the hug of others. That seems to work surprisingly well. But like anything else it only lasts for a certain amount of time. You are supposed to be looking for work and to be a productive member of society but you are finding that increasingly harder to do and the reality of the pointlessness of life is becoming harder and harder to ignore.

“It's easy to cry when you realize that everyone you love will reject you or die.” 
― Chuck Palahniuk

This seems to be truly what I would like and sadly I seem unable to get enough of either. 

Friday, Friday

It is Friday and the premier of the Hobbit was last night. I thought about going to see it but then I thought that while it would have been fun to go to the midnight show.  I also didn't think I wanted to stay up until 3 in the morning because it seems that the movie is seriously long. The reviews that I am seeing and reading all sound like it is a good movie but goes on far to long. Now anyone who watch the Lord of the Rings trilogy that Peter Jackson did before knows that he is a little prone to falling in love with his films and they tend to go on far too long.

As I write that I just realized that I had no real reason for writing it. I am just kind of mindlessly typing away to give myself something to do while I sit at the coffee shop and listen to the DnD podcast that I enjoy so much. But I now just realized that my nose is plugged up and I am finding it hard to breath through it. So I am sitting here with my mouth open and totally mouth breathing. I am sure that I look like a colossal mouth breathing nerd right now!

Yaaa for you Lance. What a shining moment for you. Now I am focused on my breathing and literally having to keep my mouth closed and make myself breath through my nose. What an odd feeling. I am never usually so focused on my breathing it is just an automatic function of my body that happens. It is oddly fascinating to be so focused and aware of my breathing. In and Out and In and Out. I can both feel the air flow and hear it as well since my nose is plugged. I do try to meditate but even that I don't think what I do is true Buddhist meditation it is just me doing some deep breathing exercises through my nose because that calms me down and helps me go to sleep easier which I like. Because often once I get ready to go to sleep and turn off the electronic distractions around me, my mind starts to try to process all of the days events or too understand the big questions in life and that is not the best way for me to get too sleep.

and that is all I have to say for today. 

bah......

I know, I know, two angst filled rant posts in a row. I do not know what is going on. This is supposed to be the happiest time of the year and instead I want to be all gloom and doom. Things were a lot easier for me when I wasn't at all self aware of things. Then I just did whatever I felt like doing without ever questioning my motivations for those things. The only real difference right now is that while I still do pretty much whatever I want too. I also totally question my motivation for doing those things and then sometimes that can send me into some sort of introspective death spiral and I end up deep, deep down into my psyche where even devils fear to tread.

If I ever had the money to go to therapy I am sure I could be the source for several best selling books and perhaps an award winning film or two. That might be a way for me to make some money. I wonder if I could get paid to be analyzed? It would almost be as masturbatory as writing this blog but instead of writing about myself I could get paid to talk about myself once a week for an hour or so. Or 50 minutes depending on the doctors time. I can already tell, as I write this, that I am feeling better. It seems pretty clear to me that sometimes the best medicine is writing and when I stop doing it the clouds start to form. So even if I am feeling lazy about the writing I need to stick to it even if it is just as a forum for me to ramble about different things as opposed to having some sort of focused writing time or agenda.

Granted it would be easier if I could specialize in some sort of topic or some hot button issue. But my interests are so varied that it is really hard for me to narrow anything down. I like so many different things. I guess I should be happy about that and just ride that wave wherever it takes me. It isn't like it would hurt anything that is for sure.

Thanks for reading this. If anyone reads it. I always helps me to vent things a little bit, even if what I am venting is nothing that is super dramatic or anything. I hope those of you who have read this had a good weekend. I hope to be back writing again soon. Maybe shining a spotlight on whatever is inspiring me at that particular moment.

Musings

Today is one of those days. It is a day where things are just kind of fuzzy and there is a certain gloominess to what I am feeling. The trouble is that I am not sure how to pin down what I am feeling or why I am feeling the feelings that I can't seem to understand. The only thing that I seem to be sure of, is that these feelings are going to make me end up in tears later.

It isn't that I mind crying, because I don't. I feel like it is a healthy release of my emotions and stops me from bottling things up inside. But the problem for me is when I do not know why I am crying. Then it doesn't feel beneficial at all. I am sure that it is vaguely related to this time of year and the season. I know that for many of us this is a time from Oct to the end of Dec of fun and family and thanksgiving and gifting and sharing our lives with others.

But for me, since the divorce, it has become a time of bittersweet nostalgia and I would prefer if it wasn't like that for me at all. But you can't always get what you want.



To be honest...since I have grown older, I just do not really care about the holidays. It just seems to be a time of stress and emotional pain for people. Not a time of relaxation and rest, whatever that means. That is part of my problem  as well, because I am sure that if my holidays were the typical Norman Rockwell picture I would probably complain about that as well.

I just want to smack that little kid in the front right in the chest. I would leap off of the stairs and hit him with a two footed flying kick, knocking him backwards into his family and much like a dominos driving him and his idiot grinning family back out the door like bowling pins!! Little shit and his little shit grin!! 

BAH HUMBUG!!