Late Night Thoughts

I am not sure where this is going. I truthfully have no idea what is going on in my head right now. It is just after midnight on Wednesday the 22nd and I just found out earlier tonight that my ex-wife has remarried. I want to say that it doesn't bother me. But I am having a hard time going to sleep and for me that is a sure sign that there is a problem. I want her to be happy. I tell people that all the time and I believe that to be the truth. How horrible of a person would I be to not want that for her. I know in my heart that I can't make her happy and that what she is looking for in a relationship is not what I could bring her. That is only one of the myriad of reasons why we broke up. Her remarrying should not have come as a surprise to me. She has been dating this guy for a fair amount of time and they have been serious about it. So I am not sure why I feel like I was taken by surprise. I shouldn't care. I should be able to say good for her and just keep on keeping on. But I am really struggling right now and I not sure why. She should be happy. Everyone should be happy and if you aren't the person that makes them happy then you should let them go so that they can be happy. That is the only thing that makes sense. But if that makes sense then why am I feeling so bothered by this right now.

I don't mind being alone and in truth I actually like it most of the time. I like getting off of work and going home and disappearing into my room for most of the evening. Sure I make the occasional appearance now and then and I may step out and visit friends or go to the pub now and then but by and large I am a solitary being and like it that way. I am not a good fit for marriage and I do not expect to ever marry again or really have a long term relationship. That doesn't seem to be in the cards and if I am being honest with myself it wouldn't be fair to my partner to have to deal with my desire to be left alone. That for sure would not be good and would be a surefire recipe for relationship disaster. I do not want to do that to anyone else. I still feel some guilt for having done that to her despite the fact that we are still friends. I think had I actually known myself better I wouldn't have gotten married in the first place but I really felt like that was kind of the thing that you were supposed to do. I do not regret the 7 years at all but at the same time I can't help wonder what about how things might have turned out had I waited to ask her out or to propose in the first place. Had I not gotten married I am not sure that I would have ever gone back to college and I am glad that I did despite the nearly crippling debt that I have from school loans. I loved going to WOU and I loved Political Science and Philosophy. I found my niche their. I really did. I enjoyed Model United Nations and I would not have done any of those things without her encouragement and support. That is the truth. She brought many good things into my life. My relationship with her brought me close to her brother and that is a relationship that I will never forget. There are people in my life now that would not be in my life had I not gotten married in the first place. I love those people and they are hugely important to me.

My life is a good one right now. I have a roof over my head and a job that pays my bills for the most part. I have good friends and a good community around me. Oh sure there are always bumps in the road but overall things are very good and perhaps that is why this has thrown me a little bit. Things have been pretty stable and maybe it was time for there to be a little bit of turmoil so to speak. Maybe that is what I need to get me back to writing again and to move me out of the stasis of contentment that I have been living in. It isn't that I want chaos and drama because I do not. But it is very easy to be comfortable and to not stretch yourself. I know that is the case for me. I know that I love writing but I also know that if I am not feeling angsty or emotional about something the words just do not flow out of me. I am quite comfortable wallowing in my stability and comfort. I enjoy listening to my music and reading my books and thinking my thoughts without any actual consequences or affect on anything. It is easy for me to swirl around in an emotional and intellectual eddy and not actually go anywhere despite the appearance of movement.

Just writing like this I already feel better and in my feeling better I also feel frustrated with myself because despite my knowing that writing makes me feel better I stop doing it and just do other things.  I have always had a hard time actually finding a balance for myself and that seems to be the key with most everything in life. The need to find that sweet spot. To find that balance between leisure and labor so that you are being fed in both directions. Here is hoping that I can find that sweet spot and if anyone has read this much of my ranting that you can find that sweet spot in your life also. I feel like I have written myself out of the funk I was in earlier and that is a good thing. She is a great girl and great woman and she should be happy and that is all that I should care about. The past is the past and it isn't like we have kids to connect us anymore. I need and needed to let that last little bit go I suppose and recognize that moving on is a normal and a good thing. So good for her. I say that with all sincerity. I am glad that she is happy and doing well. I am going to close with something that I read just last week in the  The Way of the Bodhistattva...

"3.18

May I be a guard for those that are protectorless,

A guide for those who journey on the road.

For those who wish to go across the water, May I be a boat, a raft, a bridge. 

3.19

May I be an isle for those who year for a landfall,

And a lamp for those who long for light;,

For those who need a resting place, a bed;,

For all who need a servant, may I be their slave.

3.20

May I be the wishing jewel, the vase of plenty,

A word of power and the supreme healing;

May I be the tree of miracles,

And for every being the abundant cow. 

This is truly what I desire. Be well everybody and thank you for listening. 

Thoughtful Tuesday

It is interesting the things that can pop up that cause sadness. To be sure there are some things that seem pretty obvious to me when I get sad. But there are other things that at times can leave me almost blindsided by the origin. Sometimes it is because the level of sadness seems almost above and beyond the cause of the sadness and it makes me feel like my response is out of proportion to what triggered it.

I Could Be Dreaming - Belle and Sebastian

I have been divorced for nearly 5 years now and most of the time I do not think about my being divorced or even that I am single. My relationship or lack thereof does not bother me. I also rarely think about my age. I do what I do and my chronological age is really not an issue in how I live my life. I am old enough to vote and to drink and as far as I am concerned that leaves me old enough to do anything that I want to do. I rarely feel old. Though I have friends who while their chronological age may be younger than mine they also seem older than me. They may seem either more mature or just more tired and uptight. I also have friends who are older than I but seem much younger than me because of the way that they live their life. To be honest once you get past 25 or perhaps 30 everyone just kind of seems all the same nebulous age. If you are living an honest and authentic life you are going to live and do what you want to do regardless of what number is tacked on your existence.

Roy Walker - Belle and Sebastian

That being said, while I rarely feel or think about my age there are times when I distinctly feel my age. When that happens in can cause some angst and often what makes it worse is that it is so pointless for me to feel angst about situations that are beyond my control. But as is often the case with my crazy brain. I sometimes wonder is my angst truly because of the situation or is it because I think that I shouldn't be feeling angst about this and because of that I create a self fulfilling prophecy concerning things. Because despite my angst and confusion I also feel that I should be honestly feeling and experiencing whatever it is I am going through and if I do not then I am doing a disservice to myself and to my friends around me.

For Prayer - Wye Oak

It is one of those questions that I suspect I will never have an answer too. For good or bad. That is my reality. All that I can do is strive to be authentic and to be present in my pain. Because to hide from it and deny its existence will, I believe, lead to a much deeper unhealthiness and a much deeper emotional sadness that will impact my life in far worse ways. Sadly knowing that does not make it any easier for me to do it. I am a passionate man. I love things and people and I get excited about them and I invest in them. That is who I am. I feel things deeply. I would not trade that for the world. But there are times that when feeling deeply also means you feel much pain when things do not go like you thought you wanted them too go. Even when you did not realize that you even had expectations at all and even worse when those expectations were so far beyond reason that you had not even realized that you were thinking them.

Sun It Rises - Fleet Foxes

It is at that point, for me, that the self loathing begins. Because I should know better and I do know better then to grow attached to people that I can't have. So too speak. But for me the frustration comes because I do not feel like I am going out there and searching for things that I can't have. By and large I am who I am at this point in my life and I let people engage with me who want to engage with me. I do not hang out searching for some sort of unattainable manic pixie girl to fix me. As much as I would like it to be, life is not a Wes Anderson or Cameron Crowe film and I am never going to find either Margot Tenenbaum or Penny Lane.

And I am not nor will I ever be Richie Tenenbaum

Or William Miller.

Though perhaps I am. Because much like them I am unable to gain closure on this.

My Beloved Monster - eels

The disconnect that I feel about this is also frustrating because I know that I shouldn't bee feeling this way at all. One of the things that I would say that I hate about myself and I have actually very good self esteem because lets face it. I really do know how awesome I am. But I hate that my emotions and feelings have a very tenuous relationship with logic. When my emotions come to town they either drive my logic away or they lock it up in some sort of hole in my sub-basement and force it too put lotion on it's skin for when they make the inevitable skin suit out of it. Thankfully logic usually escapes the hole for a little while at least. I hate to think what will happen if emotion is ever successful in its quest for supremacy.

The Chimbley Sweep - The Decemberists

 Thanks for listening folks and always your likes and comments are welcomed and appreciated. I will keep on doing what I do. Listening to good tunes and loving others. We are all in this together and caring for each other is the best way to get through it together.

Wednesday...

Well the little bit of snow that we had yesterday was a nice surprise wasn't it. I loved how the flakes looked all light and fluffy as they came floating down. I also liked how they didn't stick and freeze and make life miserable for everyone. I do not dislike snow but I sometimes do not like the chaos that results from lots of snow sticking on the ground. So what we got yesterday was great.

Anymore - Savatage

Epic metal and I always love some good epic metal. I always have and I always will. This band has two lead guitars and the only thing more awesome than that would be to have more.

The brain is refusing to cooperate with me this morning. I would love to give you all some great wit and wisdom some real nuggets for you to process as you go about your day. But that does not seem to be happening. CURSES!!! I control you brain. You do not control me!!

My Brother Works For The CIA - Trampled By Turtles

Everyone knows how much I love this band. Give them a listen even if you do not like bluegrass or country or country blues. You will not regret it.

Now where was I? Yes, I suppose I should be thankful today that I am not all worked up and angry about something. Just typing away gritting my teeth and feeling my blood pressure rise as I spit my wisdom out there for all of the mouth breathing inbred's to read. I suppose that is not charitable of me. It isn't the fault of the inbred  that they are an inbred. I should probably blame the inbreeding that caused the inbred in the first place. Which came first the inbred or the inbreeder? That is a pretty easy answer.

Harvester of Eyes - Blue Oyster Cult

One of the first metal bands of all time and a band that inspired so many other great modern metal and rock bands. Good stuff.

I am thankful that I am not all angry and worked up today. The sun is out and it likes like it is going to stay out and that is always something that I am happy about. I like Oregon, sunny or not, but there is something that is so beautiful about it when the sun is shining and the air is crisp and clear. It is just a lovely place to live and be and exist in. I would not choose another place in the world to live. There may be other places that I would visit but Oregon is truly the place I love and the place that I feel lucky enough to call home. So nice.

300 MPH Torrential Outpour Blues - White Stripes

Everything they do is good. Everything Jack White does is good. I will speak no more on this.

Speak To The Sky - Rick Springfield

I do not know if that is the "Jesse's Girl" Rick Springfield but that is an awesome song. I love it. 

That is all for me today folks. Keep on loving each other and keep on dancing.

Tuesday...

Good morning folks. I believe that I had three hours of sleep last night. I think. I am not sure what is going on with me but I tried to fall asleep around 11:30 or so and I was wide awake again about 2:45 or so. I imagine that today is going to be a rough one.

Man Alive - Billy Talent

This is a fast one to start us off today. I like Billy Talent and they are an example of what I think of as good music and the kind of music that often gets ignored in the entertainment industry of today.

I have been sleeping well lately so I am not sure what the issue is. I do know that there are times when I am unable to shake the worry and I think last night was one of those nights. I just lie there in bed and I worry. I couldn't get myself together enough to even meditate and mellow myself out. It was just a night of laying there in the darkness with my thoughts and I often would rather not do that. I would rather sleep when it is time for me to sleep. It benefits nothing and nobody least of all myself for me to lay there in the darkness and have the thoughts swirl around in my head.

I 4 U & U 4 Me - The Decemberists

This is a home demo version of the song and I really like it. But then I like everything that they do.

Perfect World - Billy Talent

This is from their 2nd album and a song that I really dig.

I find myself sitting here with my head tilted slightly to one side. My mind is blank as I listen to the music and try to hear a voice inside myself tell me what to write. I am waiting patiently for the voice to tell me what is okay to share with you and what is not okay for me to share. But it really feels like right now the vault is empty. There seems to be a slight echo in there. The wind whistles as it blows mournfully around the room and nothing is there to fill the emptiness. The walls are metal and grey. The floor is concrete and made shiny from the constant use and movement of the different baggage that has filled the room and been moved in and out at different times. I can only imagine that the room will be filled again one day but right now it sits empty and barren.

Sudden Movements - Billy Talent

This one is off of their 3rd album and another song that I think is great as far as I am concerned.

I sip my thermos of coffee and wonder what is going to fill the room. I don't think that it is necessarily good or bad that the room is empty. I am just not used to the room being empty. It does feel nice to not be on the verge of tears. But I never know one way or the other if that will change or if I am going to watch something that makes me tear up. I watched the wedding episode of the BBC's Sherlock Holmes last Sunday night and during the best man speech by Sherlock I totally was in tears. So I suppose one day without tears is nothing special. Though it does say something about my state of mind for the last 9 months that a day without crying is a notable thing.

Pocketful of Dreams - Billy Talent

The random machine is really locked in today. I do not mind though. I am really digging all of these songs.

I am not going to speculate about what the lack of tears means at all. It isn't worth it and I have no idea what the end result will be. It sometimes feels a curse to be as self aware as I am. I question my every emotion or intention. I think that is why I strive for daily zen and daily living on a moment to moment basis because then I am not questioning my very existence or being. It just gets tiresome to go through it on a regular basis. I do not think that self examination is a bad thing but I think that you can do to much of it and that can be a problem.

Brother - Edward Sharpe and the Magnetic Zeros

I like this band a lot and it wouldn't hurt for you to track them down if you like this song.

I watched a film from 1997 this morning called 'Bongwater'. It is an odd little film. It stars Luke Wilson and Jack Black and Andy Dick and Amy Locane and Alicia Witt and the late Brittney Murphy. It is based on a book of the same name that I haven't read and set in Portland, Or and New York City. It is just such an odd little film and a film that I feel like I used to enjoy years and years ago. I imagine that it was because it has Jack Black in it and he does a version of a Tenacious D song called "Jesus Ranch" and I was a serious fan of Tenacious D and pot and this movie had both. But other then that. It is really kind of an odd film. The story is kind of incoherent and at times the characters can be frustratingly unlikable. I feel like it comes from an odd time in film. The late 90's seems to have been infested with these kind of cheap knockoff ensemble films and I imagine it is Richard Linkletters fault now that I verbalize it.

Sorry - Trampled by Turtles

A great song by a great band.



I am not sure what I am going to be doing today. I may make an appearance at the coffeehouse since I am going to be up and around. Though I am have been trying to be careful with what little money that I have. So we shall see. Have a good day today folks and as always Keep On Dancing and Hug Someone Today. 

Ska Sunday

Today just feels like a good day for some Ska and some Reggae. I am hoping to kick this week of strongly and I am hoping to get you guys a full 7 days of blog posts. So away we go...

Get Up, Stand Up : Bob Marley

A classic reggae song and one of the most popular tunes by Bob Marley and the Wailers. A song that I always enjoy listening too no matter how many times that I hear it.

I have no agenda for today. I am just going to let whatever pops into the brain get spit out onto the computer screen. So we shall see what happens. It is sometimes scare for me to just uncork the flow and let the wisdom spray but there are other times where I feel like it must be done to just allow for some freedom. I just am not always sure about the times when I need to do it the most.

Buffalo Soldier - Bob Marley

Another classic and a sad song about slavery.

Sometimes I wonder when I read different peoples political posts on Facebook, I wonder what people from the early 1900's would think about the America that exists today. Or even the world such as it is compared to how things were when they were alive. One thing that I am sure off and if I am wrong please feel free to correct me. But, today, here in modern times. If I am paying attention, It is very easy for me to know what is going on in other parts of the world. (If I am actually bothering to pay attention that is)

Reburial - Potato 5

Ska at it's finest and probably a song that none of you have ever heard before.

If I am paying attention I know what is going on or at least think that I know what is going on all over the world. I cam instantly communicate with someone next door or thousands of miles away. I can talk to them voice to voice with no delay at all. I wonder sometimes if this speed of information is a good thing. Is it really worth it for me to have the ability to put whatever random thought that I have out there on the internet for all to see? I can really only speak for myself but I know for a fact that it is better for me if I take the time to think a little bit about what I am going to say before I throw it out there. A little bit of Twitter is a dangerous thing.

I'm The Living - Jimmy Cliff

Not sure how good the quality is on this one but the song is amazing.

It used to take months or sometimes close to a year for people to talk to each other. That alone would be mind blowing for someone from the past to experience. But I think how America looks would be mind blowing as well. I am sure that there people in the past who were convinced that America was going to end based totally on the politics of the time and yet here we are. How surprised do you think that they would be to see America still standing? Or would you argue with me and tell me that the America of today is not the real America?

Madness - Prince Buster

A good if not great political ska song. Prince Buster was one of the greats.

That, frankly is not an argument I am interested in having because I think that there is so much open to personal beliefs and interpretation when you start debate what the "real America" is or is not supposed to be. It just seems like a conversation that is almost guaranteed to make you angry and crazy. I think that the reality is that America has become what America is supposed to be. There is an inertia in place and America continues to roll forward. It continues to roll despite the liberal or conservative politics of whomever is trumpeting its success or destruction. If there is one thing that I love about America I suppose that is it. Regardless of the politics the people still continue to roll on. Perhaps I am naive but I do not think so. Only time will tell and I am okay with waiting to find out.

Mirror in the Bathroom - English Beat

Thanks for reading folks. I hope things are well and I hope to talk to you soon. If I can leave you with one thing it would be this. "Keep dancing folks. keep dancing"

9 Months

It's been nine months...nine months since he left me, left us, left everything behind. It isn't helpful for me to speculate and to ask myself why. Though it happens. It happens when I lay wide awake in the darkness of my room and my mind starts to scream, WHY, WHY, WHY.

The Ghost of Rockschool - Belle and Sebastian

It happens when I slip in my meditation and think that I don't need it. But if I don't do it. If I don't stay focused on centering myself in the present and the now. The voices come back. The sadness comes back. The questions come back. I start asking myself if I let him down. What could I have done to have saved him from his darkness. It is very easy for me to put the face on and be the Lance that everybody expects me to be. I have grown used to it.

The Wrong Girl - Belle and Sebastian

But, there are times when I am not sure who or what the real Lance is. You would think that I could have figured that out by now. Perhaps I will one day. I am honestly not sure if I need too. Though it would be nice if I could find a way to use my tiresome existential angst to pay the bills. But then I suppose I would not fit the profile of a tortured artist. Am I am artist? I do not know.

Hand in Glove - The Smiths

Does having a blog make me an artist? Or am I thinking far to highly of myself. I suppose either is possible. Is it fear that stops me from fully embracing my writing? Maybe it is my laziness. I just do not know. That seems to me to be the constant in all of my writing. I do not know and it drives me nuts to not know. Why is that so important to me?

Atomic - Sleeper

There are plenty of people who do not know and they seem to be just fine. Or perhaps they do not feel the need to blurt everything out here on the computer screen so that everyone can read it. Again, I do not know. The only thing that I can say for sure is that I do not like taking pills to help myself sleep. I do not like how it makes me feel the day after.

Hotel Song - Regina Spektor

Once again though. The writing has helped me. The writing has gotten things out that were swirling around in my brain. In some way the writing has saved me. It always has. It always has when I allow myself to do it. When I give myself in to the thoughts that are flowing through me and I write them down without a filter. That is the time when it saves me. The words have to get out. Sometimes I can tell that is going on when I am giving someone a free lecture at the coffeehouse and I can see their eyes glazing over. I wonder is this more for me benefit or theirs. I suspect that it is for mine. But I would like to think that it is for them.

Satellite of Love - Lou Reed

I miss you Eric. I miss hanging out with you. I miss playing disc golf with you. I miss going to concerts. I miss watching soccer. I miss eating scotch eggs. I miss drinking with you. I miss arguing about movies. Sometimes I hate you for leaving me and making me feel this way. I remember watching you ride away in that VW Van with Casey and surprising myself with my tears. I remember how happy and excited I was when you came rolling back down the street.

Perfect Day - Lou Reed

I MISS YOU AND YOU ARE NEVER COMING BACK AND IT FUCKING SUCKS. It just fucking sucks. There is no other way for me to say it. There is no way to sugarcoat it.

Camera Obscura - Nico

Somber Sunday

Today is an odd day. I woke up early and watched some EPL (English Premiere League) soccer. Talked to my parents. Spent some time watching several birds in the backyard bath in the bird bath and flit around. But the whole day I have been kind of on the edge. The edge of nervousness, frustration, anger. I feel like I am at a tipping point and I do not know which way I am going to tip. I am at Broadway right now trying to write it out basically I am not really sure what that even means. I know that I come here because I feel safe and at home here regardless of who is working. It has become a place of sanctuary for me in the 3 years that it has been  here and for that I am very grateful. Though feeling safe in a place can have its drawbacks because I am now tearing up as I write this and that is not always socially appropriate in a public place. So let me put on my happy face.

There that is better. It isn't that I am sitting here scowling and raging at everyone who walks past. I am not even feeling super angry inside. But there is a turmoil that is going on and there is frustration that is tied in with that. I am positive that some of the frustration is because I am unable to pin point what is making me feel this way. I often feel like I am hyper self aware and so when I can't pin down what it is that is making me feel a certain way that can be really bothersome to me.

I think I am going to do some random tunes from my soundtracks section. That always pleases me and hopefully you guys might enjoy it as well.

Bad Ronald - 1st Time

This is an interesting song and it is from the soundtrack for the film "Orange County" which is one of my favorite films. I just enjoy it.  This song is pretty good but the film is much better.

Cliff Martinez - Skull Crushing

This is from the film "Drive" a film and soundtrack that I like a lot. But it isn't for everyone. There is a bit of the old ultra-violence so it is kind of brutal. But I really, really dig the whole package of the film and the music together. It really paints something pretty cool.

Dewey Cox - Walk Hard

This movie is both a spoof of basically Johnny Cash's life as well as every other film ever made that is an autobiography of a musician. I love it. I love the music of it and I love the total abandonment they had when they made it. It hits all the right notes and if you like music and the history of rock music over the years. You will enjoy this. It is crass though with full frontal male nudity. Yummy!! :)

The New Main St Singers - Never Did No Wanderin'

Oh my! Another spoof film but this time done by the mighty Christopher Guest (Spinal Tap) and about folk music. It is another one that I just love the music in and the film is pretty funny as well.

The Beach Boys - Sloop John B

A classic Beach Boys number and put to good use in "Forrest Gump". I enjoyed the film in the theater and the book but I am not so sure that the film would stand up if I watched it today. But one thing is for sure that the soundtrack has some classic songs in it that the film uses to anchor itself in certain decades.

Rufus Wainwright - Hallelujah

This song is from the film Shrek and that is all I am going to say. Because it destroys me. Literally destroys me and in any other situation I would be singing along and weeping. A perfectly lovely and beautiful song.

Hans Zimmer - Am I Not Merciful

This is another song from a movie that initially I really enjoyed. I have not watched it in several years and I do not know if it would stand up or not. Though I do enjoy the music. The film is Gladiator with Russel Crow

The Ohio Players - I Want To Be Free

A solid funk song from the Boogie Nights soundtrack. Another great mix of film and soundtrack. Such a good movie.

Later days folks.

Some People Are . . .

very annoying and it is due to no fault of their own.

Dallas Green - Day Old Hate

I go to the coffeehouse a lot. I am sure that most of you know this. Because I tend to go so regularly I tend to see some of the same people over and over again. I realized something today, and that is that there are other people who come into the coffeehouse as often as I do or even more often. So I see faces that look familiar to me even if I have never actually talked to them. But I have seen them here enough times that I feel like I know them. But the problem that I am wrestling with is not something that I like wrestling with. I like to think that I am a nice guy and that most people like being around me and I am easy to get along with. That being said I am sure that there are people that I rub the wrong way whether or not intend to.

Trampled By Turtles - Keys to Paradise

I was doing my thing today and I looked up when this guy walked in and had I been a cat you would have seen all of my hair stand on end. Now this fellow has never said a word to me in the three years that I have been coming here. In fact I have never said a word to him and we have never even interacted in any way. So there is literally no rational reason for me to be bothered or upset by him. Yet every time, every time that I see him I get angry. I don't like to hear his voice. I do not like how he interacts with the baristas and I do not like how he dresses or the drinks that he orders. I must reiterate, there is no reason for me to feel like this. None at all.

Edward Sharpe and The Magnetic Zeros - Black Water

Yet every time that I see him, my response is the same and I literally find it hard for me to focus on what I am doing until he is gone. I do not like feeling like this. But at the same time when I think about it I feel like I shouldn't care because obviously there is something off about this guy and I should trust my instincts. I mean, when have my instincts steered me wrong before? I am 100% on making good life choices. So I think I will continue to irrationally hate this fellow until evidence comes up to prove me right.

Iron and Wine - Swans and the Swimming.

But in all seriousness I think that I am going to try to work on controlling my first response to people. It isn't that I expect that I should like everyone that I meet. I do not think that is even possible. But I can at least not have a default setting of "that guys is a jerk" based on no reason other then the way that his voice sounds or his hair cut or his clothing. It makes no sense for me to default to that and I think that I will be a better person and that my life will just be better if I work on that a little bit.

The Decemberists - I4 U & U 4 Me

Trampled by Turtles - Widowers Heart

I am sure that I have said this before and I will say it again. But Trampled by Turtles is a really good band and you should do yourselves a favor and give them a listen. You won't regret it. That is unless you hate good music and then you might not like it. It is hard to say. But if you like good music and are not a total jerk then give this band a try. They are great.

Catch you later, losers!!

Sick and Tired of It

Hey folks, I have not written for awhile and that is mainly because I have been basically holed up in my lair for the last week or so because I have had a pretty nasty cough and it has seriously hindered my ability to get to the coffee shop which is where I do the majority of my writings. But I am feeling like I can do a little this evening.

REM - Cuyahoga

I am still looking for needful employment. I have enjoyed living this life of leisure but it has grown both tiresome and boring. I need to move on to the next thing and to put some money in the banks. As much as I love living in this new golden age of Socialism under Obama it still seems that I have to work and I am just not getting my fair share of things from other peoples labors. I honestly thought that things would be better for the enlightened ones like myself and as much as I enjoy my thrice daily White Russians all that vodka is not free.

Well that and what was the point of my nifty new haircut if I can't get a job. I may as well have continued to grow my glorious locks and my lovely sideburns in perpetuity. It was not easy to cultivate those sideburns let me tell you. I have to now shave at least twice if not three times a week to keep my face so baby soft and let me tell you friends that is just exhausting.

REM - Gardening At Night

On an emotional level things are still kind of up and down. I have good days and bad days and I am sleeping better I suppose but even that is sporadic at best. I still miss Eric and I suppose that I always shall which is a good thing. But there are times now when that missing him is tainted by some anger and I do not particularly enjoy feeling that way. I may have addressed this before and if I have I apologize but here it is. I do respect the autonomy of the individual and when it is in the theoretical it is very easy for me to say "sure, people should have the right to determine their own existence." But in the reality of the aftermath. In the midst of the chaos that has been left behind for his family and friends I am not so sure.

REM - Find The River

I tried 5 times to write something on his Facebook page yesterday about how I was missing him and honestly all that came out was anger and I stopped myself from writing anything. Anger will not bring him back. Nothing will and intellectually I know that but it feels like my emotions have now slid into that stage of things. Whatever that stage is on the scale of stages. All I know is that I do not like or enjoy feeling angry about Eric. He never made me angry. I always enjoyed being around him and often he left me smiling or laughing or thinking deeply. He left deep deep roots in my psyche. Good roots from good experiences and good conversations that are wrapped around my soul and I honestly am glad that they are their despite the pain it causes me to think about them. My life is for the better because he was in it. 

REM - Oddfellows Local 151

All that being said. My life is not for the better without him in it. I muddle along trying to figure out what is next. I spend time with friends, I read and write and I listen to music and I meditate and I spend time with friends. But, the friend that I would like to spend time with is unavailable and always will be. Is that a metaphor for something bigger in life? I don't know and frankly I am not sure if I care right now. This is what happens when you write while you are all hopped up on the cold medicines. The synapses are firing on all cylinders baby!! You know you love it. You want a metaphor I have a metaphor for you.  

Who am I kidding I don't have a metaphor for you. No nuggets of wisdom to import. No moments of Zen to make your life worth living. Just the hope that you can keep on doing it day to day and knowing that I am here if you need someone to talk too. Because, I like to talk and for some strange reason people seem to like me. So catch you later folks. It's been real. Let me close with these thoughts from the film 'Pump up the Volume'

“Ok, this is really me now. No more hiding. Listen, we’re all worried, we’re all in pain. That just comes with having eyes and with having ears. But just remember one thing, it can’t get any worse, it can only get better. I mean High School is the bottom. Being a teenager sucks! But that’s the point, surviving it is the whole point! Quitting is not going to make you strong, living will. So just hang on and hang in there. You know, I know all about the hating and the sneering. I’m a member of the “why bother” generation myself. But why did I bother to come out here tonight, and why did you? I mean, It’s time. It’s begins with us, not with politicians, the experts or the teachers but with us. With you and with me. The ones who need it most. I gotta believe, with everything in me, the whole world is longing for healing. Even the trees, the earth itself are crying out for it. You can hear it everywhere. Same kinda healing I desperately needed and I finally feel has begun, with you.”
— Mark Hunter (Hard Harry)

We are all humans so lets keep loving each other okay and hey, give someone a hug tomorrow. Who knows it might just make a difference. 

TEARS

                                                 

                                                                “Don't be ashamed to weep; 'tis right to grieve. Tears are only water, and flowers, trees, and fruit cannot grow without water. But there must be sunlight also. A wounded heart will heal in time, and when it does, the memory and love of our lost ones is sealed inside to comfort us.” 
― Brian Jacques, Taggerung

It has been three months since the event and sleep continues to elude me, oh sure there are some nights where the illusion of sleep has been there and their are mornings when my brain forces me to lay back down and get a quick nap in. But that is not true sleep. There has not been true sleep. There has not been deep untroubled sleep. There has been the tossing and the turning of the troubled and the distressed. There has been the tears and the questions and the desire for peace that even mediation will not bring because nothing can be fixed. There has been the hope and faith...two things that you have never been good at that things will get better and that you and the other people that you care about will survive this things and be able to continue to live this life that tastes of ash in your mouth.

There have been moments of distraction and escape that are ever so fleeting and while you try to hold on to them you know that they are going to slip away and you began to wonder if that is going to be the nature of life now. The up and up and up of the distraction followed by the plummet downward into the dark abyss of despair. The abrupt shock of a television show or movie making a joke that three months ago you would have found humorous and now you find horrifying and wonder of you are ever going to truly find anything amusing again. You are becoming a good actor and getting increasingly better at saying the right things and making the jokes and putting that smile on so that you don't bring them down with your concerns and worries.

You lose yourself in music and the hug of others. That seems to work surprisingly well. But like anything else it only lasts for a certain amount of time. You are supposed to be looking for work and to be a productive member of society but you are finding that increasingly harder to do and the reality of the pointlessness of life is becoming harder and harder to ignore.

“It's easy to cry when you realize that everyone you love will reject you or die.” 
― Chuck Palahniuk

This seems to be truly what I would like and sadly I seem unable to get enough of either. 

Put on that Smiling Face....

I try to be honest with people. I really do. I think most people would say that I am an honest person and will answer questions truthfully but I still find myself falling back into a reflexive "I'm good" when people ask "How are you doing?" But more often then not I am not doing "good" or "well" depending upon your level of grammar Nazi.

I don't intend to lie. But it is so much easier to just say the reflexive answer rather then have to have a big long conversation about why I am not feeling well. To do so just seems so exhausting.

Both Sides Now - Judy Collins

I was watching a documentary about the "Grateful Dead" today and the man who had written Ripple (Robert Hunter) said this while talking about when he wrote that song and several other very transcendent songs.

"Would those days but come again. Oh they will, they will. But not for me" 

That really resonated with me on several levels. On a personal level, what is done is done and what is past is past and while there may always be a twinge of nostalgia for those things I have be honest and realize that they will never come back again and I can't relive them even if I wanted to. I guess it is all on a personal level but the quote made me think about Eric and that he is gone. Those days will not come again and my life goes on whether I like it or not. The world continues to spin and people continue to function and move forward even I do not feel like I can move forward. Because it often does seem a little bit pointless and I feel like I have to fabricate a reason to take those steps forward and to continue to function in some way.

Ripple - Grateful Dead

Also my back hurts today and that seems to have upped my crankiness and made everything seem oh so overly dramatic. Ugh

Feelings....

kind of suck and yet I know that if I did not have the feelings that I do and live like I do with my heart on the outside of my body I would not like who I am. I like who I am for the most part. I like that I am compassionate and that I care about others and that for the most part people like me. But there are times when the emotions are overwhelming the careful controls and locks that I have put in place and those are the times where I think it sure would be nice to have a break now and then from being Mr. Emotional.

Lonely Days - The Bee Gees

But I also know at my core that I would not be happy if I did not have access to my emotions. I think that my level of empathy is high because of my emotions and that allows me to connect with people on a deeper level then I would be able to otherwise and I am glad for that connectedness with my friends. I crave and treasure the deeper more intimate relationships that I have with those people that I can be emotionally transparent with and I think that it is a two way street. At least I hope it is.

White Moon - The White Stripes

If it isn't I suppose I owe some people some apologies for their putting up with me over the years. But I really don't think that is something that I have to worry about.

Defy You - The Offspring

I miss you Eric. You were a good friend to me and were very much like another brother to me. The void that you have left is far deeper and far harder to fill then I thought it would be. I get moments of forgetfulness and things seem okay but the memories always come back. They come back when a friend asks me about "Fight Club" or when I go to eat breakfast at Josey's  restaurant in Salem that was a favorite of Eric and myself.

We used to communicate a lot over Instagram and one of the last things that he said to me when I posted I was at Josey's and said that I wished he was with me. He said "Totally! Love that place!"  I went their for breakfast this week and while the food was good it just wasn't the same at all.

Boxing - Ben Folds

I wonder if I ever will get used to things not being the same at all? Will that be my new normal? Is that even a functional thing? To walk around pretending to be normal but knowing that inside nothing is normal and never will be? How do I, how do most of us function with that? Late night thoughts of the mournful insomniac. Thank you for bearing with me.

Both Sides Now - Judy Collins