Merry Christmas?

Merry Christmas. Is that what it is? I feel like I am supposed to be excited about Christmas and all of the fun and family adventures that it brings. But in reality I am really having a hard time feeling excited about it this year. Oh I could give you a list of all the reasons that I have not to be excited about a (holiday?) that seems to bring out the worst of consumerism in everyone and seems to bring all kinds of family issues to the forefront for so many people. But that isn't really the point is it and I suppose I might feel a little bit different if I had children around me who were excited about this time of year.

So believe me when I tell you that I get it. I get that I am perhaps being a little bit silly and perhaps wallowing in my being alone. So to speak. I do not mind being alone. I enjoy it for the most part and it is a life that I have pretty much actively  chosen. I also realize that I am not actually alone. I do have friends and family and friends that are like family around me. But there are times when that doesn't seem to be enough. There are people who are not around anymore and who will never be around and I miss them. I also realize that missing them is not going to bring them back to me and that feeling sad about missing them is where a lot of the pain is coming from. I am actively working on trying to be more Buddhist in my daily life. I meditate and try to be more mindful of things and to live in the present. But it is not that simple at times.

I suppose it is the normal cycle of things to feel like one is doing well and then to feel like one is doing poorly and to feel like the world is closing in around them. I know that this is probably the first year in several years if not my entire life that the darkness of the winter in the pacific northwest is getting to me. I am feeling the gloom of the dark and rainy days. I am finally understanding what some of my friends talk about when they talk about how bad the weather is here in the wintertime. But really I know what the problem is and it is one that I am almost sick of writing about but for me writing about it is the best way to get it out and to release it into the universe.

I miss you Eric. I hate that you aren't here. One of my favorite things about this time of year was Christmas mornings with you and Devyn and my and Nicoles little house. I loved being there with your parents and you two and sharing that experience. It always made me feel like you were living with us again and I really missed that. After the divorce happened I really missed having you around I missed you being a part of my life. It mean't so much to me that you kept me around and connected. You didn't have any reason to do that. So many people would have walked away. It probably would have been easier for so many people to walk away and you didn't. This mean't the world to me. I do not know if I ever expressed that enough to you.

None of that matters now. You are gone. So many things that I would love to share with you. But that is over. That was a moment in time that will never return and most of the time I do a good job of shutting it down inside me and pretending that the empty hole doesn't exist. But then it all builds up and it is like the hole overflows with the emptiness and it all must come pouring out of me or I will be overwhelmed by it. I sometimes wonder how others function with all of this. I sometimes wonder how I am functioning with all of this. But going on seems to be the only option. To not is not something that I can do or that I want to do. I have no interest in that. What I have an interest in is loving others and caring for others and trying to making the lives of people around me better.

I am not writing this as some kind of cry for help. I am in no danger of hurting myself. I just have a hard time understanding how other people are able to process this. I know that we are all facing our own journeys and that the struggle is different for all of us. So trying to stand outside of someones life and judge how they are doing is a pretty pointless exercise and one that isn't beneficial to either of us. But knowing these things doesn't take my empathy away from me and often the pain that I feel within that is so strong. I think in some way that is why I love music so much because I can lose myself in the emotion of it without losing myself in the pain that others are feeling. I think that it allows me to empty myself so that I can be filled up again. That cycle never seems to stop. I am not trying to pat myself on the back or shake my own hand here. I am just recognizing where the feelings come from inside of me and where they go.

All of this coming back to I love you and miss you Eric. Sometimes I am mad at you for leaving. I still do not understand it and I do not know that I ever will. I think that if I ever understand it I may be to close to the darkness inside of myself and I do not want that. The darkness is there and it is ever-present but it is not overwhelming and it does not push at me or seem to desire growth. But for me to deny that it exists would mean lying to myself and to others who do care about me. The darkness is part of who I am and it is also a part of my being able to care for others. I am not scared of it nor do I wallow in it. But it is a part of me. Just like love is a part of me and that part of me is the largest part of me. The love in me outshines the darkness and while the world does get me down at times I know that the love does shine through. It isn't the love that I used to think of when I was a small child and was going to bible school. I know that and I am okay with that. I sometimes feel the limits of language when I write like this and I feel limited and unable to fully articulate the complexity of my feelings. But that is what it comes down to for me. I desperately want others to not have to feel pain and fear to not have to feel anger and hate. I want to be able to take that from them and hold it within myself for a time before releasing it.

When I hug someone I want them to know that I am present and that I feel them and see them there in whatever space they are in. That I will not judge them. That compassion and empathy are all that I want to bring to the encounter. To leave them feeling better and to leave knowing that I have taken some of their pain away and lightened their load. That is all that I want. The world is hard enough without us being mean to each other. I am by no means perfect and I fail but I have to keep trying. Otherwise there is no point and for me loving others is the point. The only point. I do not know who if anyone will actually read this but here it is. Please know that I love you and if you need something please let me know. I will do what I can to be there in some form or the other.

Be well and know that I love you. Thanks for reading this. 

Thoughtful Tuesday

It is interesting the things that can pop up that cause sadness. To be sure there are some things that seem pretty obvious to me when I get sad. But there are other things that at times can leave me almost blindsided by the origin. Sometimes it is because the level of sadness seems almost above and beyond the cause of the sadness and it makes me feel like my response is out of proportion to what triggered it.

I Could Be Dreaming - Belle and Sebastian

I have been divorced for nearly 5 years now and most of the time I do not think about my being divorced or even that I am single. My relationship or lack thereof does not bother me. I also rarely think about my age. I do what I do and my chronological age is really not an issue in how I live my life. I am old enough to vote and to drink and as far as I am concerned that leaves me old enough to do anything that I want to do. I rarely feel old. Though I have friends who while their chronological age may be younger than mine they also seem older than me. They may seem either more mature or just more tired and uptight. I also have friends who are older than I but seem much younger than me because of the way that they live their life. To be honest once you get past 25 or perhaps 30 everyone just kind of seems all the same nebulous age. If you are living an honest and authentic life you are going to live and do what you want to do regardless of what number is tacked on your existence.

Roy Walker - Belle and Sebastian

That being said, while I rarely feel or think about my age there are times when I distinctly feel my age. When that happens in can cause some angst and often what makes it worse is that it is so pointless for me to feel angst about situations that are beyond my control. But as is often the case with my crazy brain. I sometimes wonder is my angst truly because of the situation or is it because I think that I shouldn't be feeling angst about this and because of that I create a self fulfilling prophecy concerning things. Because despite my angst and confusion I also feel that I should be honestly feeling and experiencing whatever it is I am going through and if I do not then I am doing a disservice to myself and to my friends around me.

For Prayer - Wye Oak

It is one of those questions that I suspect I will never have an answer too. For good or bad. That is my reality. All that I can do is strive to be authentic and to be present in my pain. Because to hide from it and deny its existence will, I believe, lead to a much deeper unhealthiness and a much deeper emotional sadness that will impact my life in far worse ways. Sadly knowing that does not make it any easier for me to do it. I am a passionate man. I love things and people and I get excited about them and I invest in them. That is who I am. I feel things deeply. I would not trade that for the world. But there are times that when feeling deeply also means you feel much pain when things do not go like you thought you wanted them too go. Even when you did not realize that you even had expectations at all and even worse when those expectations were so far beyond reason that you had not even realized that you were thinking them.

Sun It Rises - Fleet Foxes

It is at that point, for me, that the self loathing begins. Because I should know better and I do know better then to grow attached to people that I can't have. So too speak. But for me the frustration comes because I do not feel like I am going out there and searching for things that I can't have. By and large I am who I am at this point in my life and I let people engage with me who want to engage with me. I do not hang out searching for some sort of unattainable manic pixie girl to fix me. As much as I would like it to be, life is not a Wes Anderson or Cameron Crowe film and I am never going to find either Margot Tenenbaum or Penny Lane.

And I am not nor will I ever be Richie Tenenbaum

Or William Miller.

Though perhaps I am. Because much like them I am unable to gain closure on this.

My Beloved Monster - eels

The disconnect that I feel about this is also frustrating because I know that I shouldn't bee feeling this way at all. One of the things that I would say that I hate about myself and I have actually very good self esteem because lets face it. I really do know how awesome I am. But I hate that my emotions and feelings have a very tenuous relationship with logic. When my emotions come to town they either drive my logic away or they lock it up in some sort of hole in my sub-basement and force it too put lotion on it's skin for when they make the inevitable skin suit out of it. Thankfully logic usually escapes the hole for a little while at least. I hate to think what will happen if emotion is ever successful in its quest for supremacy.

The Chimbley Sweep - The Decemberists

 Thanks for listening folks and always your likes and comments are welcomed and appreciated. I will keep on doing what I do. Listening to good tunes and loving others. We are all in this together and caring for each other is the best way to get through it together.

Wednesday...

Well the little bit of snow that we had yesterday was a nice surprise wasn't it. I loved how the flakes looked all light and fluffy as they came floating down. I also liked how they didn't stick and freeze and make life miserable for everyone. I do not dislike snow but I sometimes do not like the chaos that results from lots of snow sticking on the ground. So what we got yesterday was great.

Anymore - Savatage

Epic metal and I always love some good epic metal. I always have and I always will. This band has two lead guitars and the only thing more awesome than that would be to have more.

The brain is refusing to cooperate with me this morning. I would love to give you all some great wit and wisdom some real nuggets for you to process as you go about your day. But that does not seem to be happening. CURSES!!! I control you brain. You do not control me!!

My Brother Works For The CIA - Trampled By Turtles

Everyone knows how much I love this band. Give them a listen even if you do not like bluegrass or country or country blues. You will not regret it.

Now where was I? Yes, I suppose I should be thankful today that I am not all worked up and angry about something. Just typing away gritting my teeth and feeling my blood pressure rise as I spit my wisdom out there for all of the mouth breathing inbred's to read. I suppose that is not charitable of me. It isn't the fault of the inbred  that they are an inbred. I should probably blame the inbreeding that caused the inbred in the first place. Which came first the inbred or the inbreeder? That is a pretty easy answer.

Harvester of Eyes - Blue Oyster Cult

One of the first metal bands of all time and a band that inspired so many other great modern metal and rock bands. Good stuff.

I am thankful that I am not all angry and worked up today. The sun is out and it likes like it is going to stay out and that is always something that I am happy about. I like Oregon, sunny or not, but there is something that is so beautiful about it when the sun is shining and the air is crisp and clear. It is just a lovely place to live and be and exist in. I would not choose another place in the world to live. There may be other places that I would visit but Oregon is truly the place I love and the place that I feel lucky enough to call home. So nice.

300 MPH Torrential Outpour Blues - White Stripes

Everything they do is good. Everything Jack White does is good. I will speak no more on this.

Speak To The Sky - Rick Springfield

I do not know if that is the "Jesse's Girl" Rick Springfield but that is an awesome song. I love it. 

That is all for me today folks. Keep on loving each other and keep on dancing.

Wednesday

Well, yesterday was a struggle but I managed to stay awake for most of the day and I am feeling pretty good today. I got a solid 1 am to 7 am sleep session and that is pretty much what my body needs to keeps itself on its natural schedule. So that is a good thing.

Valley - Tramped By Turtles

My music player sometimes seems to know just what I need to get things started. I love this song.


Yesterday was an interesting day. I spent a good chunk of the day in a fog because of the lack of sleep. So it was odd. I felt very off but at the same time functional.

Drowned - The Who

The intro into 'I am the Sea' off of the classic Who album Quadrophenia. You can never go wrong with this one.

I watched the State of the Union address last night. I always enjoy listening to the President speak even if it is a President that I am not a particular fan of. In the case of President Obama I was far more excited about him when he was first elected then I am now. But I am also well aware that I am operating at a certain level of frustration dealing with the federal govt and Congress right now because of their decision to end emergency unemployment. President Obama addressed that issue last night but I am not going to be holding my breath. Because even if they reinstate it I doubt I will be getting back pay and I am still going to be behind on some of my bills because of the their being no money of any kind coming in at all. But the job search continues. I applied for a job at the Oregon Lottery yesterday.

A World Of Our Own - The Seekers

A classic late 60's number. I like it.

I also watched the latest episode of the television show Justified last night and that show just seems to be getting better and better as far as I am concerned. The first 4 seasons are available on Amazon Streaming right now and if you have not ever watched it I would highly recommend it. If you are a fan of Elmore Leonard novels or police or detective stories I do not think you can go wrong with this one.

Mother of Light (A New Age Dawns pt 2) - Epica

One of my beloved Northern European metal bands. Except for these guys are Dutch. I love them.

I really feel like I am reaching for these to write about this morning. It feels like one of those days that I want to sit quietly in my room with the light off and sip my coffee while I listen to music with my eyes closed. I imagine that is how I am going to be spending part of the day for sure. I suppose that sounds depressing to some of you. But that isn't what it is. It is for me a way to just kind of calm myself and feel centered and anchored as part of the existing world around me. I am not being distracted by the latest television show or video game but am able to just sit quietly and breath. Thoughts may come and go but I do not dwell on those thoughts. They rise and sink but I continue to sit quietly and breath. That is for me, often, the best way to get myself back on track so to speak.

Beth - Kiss

I love this acoustic version of the song Beth by Kiss. One of my favorites.

 Well, that is is for today folks. The darkness is calling for me with its calm and its solitude. Keep those feet moving and keep on loving each other and try to remember that despite our politics we are all human and all deserving of a little pleasantness. Be kind to each other.

Monday Musings

It is Monday morning and the mental fog is in full effect but with every sip of my coffee I can feel the fog lifting away and that my friends is a good thing. I watched the Grammys last night. Or to be clear I watched part of the Grammys and then I looked for clips online of the performances because, lets be honest, CBS really does suck and they do not know how to put on a decent live show to save their lives. The Grammys are a perfect example of that. They took a music show and rather then just show it live and let people enjoy all of the crazy and the power and emotion that live music can bring they put it on a two hour recorded tape delay on the west coast. Pretty lame CBS, pretty lame. That and boy does LL Cool J suck now. He has become the harmless friendly black man that CBS and old people just love. It makes me weep and long for the days of Chuck D and the anger of Public Enemy. It was a pretty pathetic effort from all concerned except for the bands that were actually performing and  CBS did all they could to mess that up as well.

We Float - PJ Harvey

I love what PJ Harvey does with music. I do not listen to her all of the time but when I do I always am happy that I did.

It isn't that I am surprised that CBS screwed the pooch on this one. They always seem to do it. But I am surprised that they even bother. Maybe they were afraid of competing with Downton Abby or something.

Make You Feel My Love - Adele

This is a beautiful song. Just lovely.

I know that I have been staying away from the typical these things suck all of the time posts but I felt like I had to at least mention the Grammys. I would have been doing a disservice to music in general if I tried to act like what happened last night was okay. Because it was not. It was just bad. But I am over it. What else is going on?

Summer Boy - Lady Gaga

Why was this song not a bigger hit? Odd. It seems to fit right in her style window. Though I could argue that this was written for Gwen Stefani. It sure sounds like it.

I went to the Wizard World Comic Con with my brother in Portland this weekend and it was fun. But it was interesting and far more about popular nerd and geek culture and being an obsessed fan then it was about comic books. I love television and movies but I am not going to pay upwards of $25 to say hello to a celebrity who is not going to remember who I am among the 500 other fans that they met that day. There were lots of people who seemed to love doing it and that is great for them but I just can't get excited about doing that. It is nice to see what those people look like in person as opposed to on the television or the movie screen. But other than that I do not care if they are there. I would much rather just get a book signed by the author or artist who drew it. I think my position is in the minority though.

My Weakness - Moby

Awesome song.

I did enjoy seeing the various cosplayers though. It is always fun to see the different costumes that people wear at such an event. Some people put some real effort into their costumes and others put in less. But that is the nature of things and sometimes ones passion overrides ones ability to actually create the item that they are trying to replicate. That being said. It was still very cool to see and made me wish that I was that passionate about some things in my life. I do not know what that would be though but I suppose how I feel about the Portland Timbers comes pretty close. I do dress up for the matches after all.

I Saw A Man - Johnny Cash

Believer or not, this is a good song..

That is it for today. Time to apply for some more jobs. Maybe I will be able to catch at least an interview, at this point getting an interview at least feels like success. Have a good Monday folks. Give your friends and family a hug and keep on dancing.

9 Months

It's been nine months...nine months since he left me, left us, left everything behind. It isn't helpful for me to speculate and to ask myself why. Though it happens. It happens when I lay wide awake in the darkness of my room and my mind starts to scream, WHY, WHY, WHY.

The Ghost of Rockschool - Belle and Sebastian

It happens when I slip in my meditation and think that I don't need it. But if I don't do it. If I don't stay focused on centering myself in the present and the now. The voices come back. The sadness comes back. The questions come back. I start asking myself if I let him down. What could I have done to have saved him from his darkness. It is very easy for me to put the face on and be the Lance that everybody expects me to be. I have grown used to it.

The Wrong Girl - Belle and Sebastian

But, there are times when I am not sure who or what the real Lance is. You would think that I could have figured that out by now. Perhaps I will one day. I am honestly not sure if I need too. Though it would be nice if I could find a way to use my tiresome existential angst to pay the bills. But then I suppose I would not fit the profile of a tortured artist. Am I am artist? I do not know.

Hand in Glove - The Smiths

Does having a blog make me an artist? Or am I thinking far to highly of myself. I suppose either is possible. Is it fear that stops me from fully embracing my writing? Maybe it is my laziness. I just do not know. That seems to me to be the constant in all of my writing. I do not know and it drives me nuts to not know. Why is that so important to me?

Atomic - Sleeper

There are plenty of people who do not know and they seem to be just fine. Or perhaps they do not feel the need to blurt everything out here on the computer screen so that everyone can read it. Again, I do not know. The only thing that I can say for sure is that I do not like taking pills to help myself sleep. I do not like how it makes me feel the day after.

Hotel Song - Regina Spektor

Once again though. The writing has helped me. The writing has gotten things out that were swirling around in my brain. In some way the writing has saved me. It always has. It always has when I allow myself to do it. When I give myself in to the thoughts that are flowing through me and I write them down without a filter. That is the time when it saves me. The words have to get out. Sometimes I can tell that is going on when I am giving someone a free lecture at the coffeehouse and I can see their eyes glazing over. I wonder is this more for me benefit or theirs. I suspect that it is for mine. But I would like to think that it is for them.

Satellite of Love - Lou Reed

I miss you Eric. I miss hanging out with you. I miss playing disc golf with you. I miss going to concerts. I miss watching soccer. I miss eating scotch eggs. I miss drinking with you. I miss arguing about movies. Sometimes I hate you for leaving me and making me feel this way. I remember watching you ride away in that VW Van with Casey and surprising myself with my tears. I remember how happy and excited I was when you came rolling back down the street.

Perfect Day - Lou Reed

I MISS YOU AND YOU ARE NEVER COMING BACK AND IT FUCKING SUCKS. It just fucking sucks. There is no other way for me to say it. There is no way to sugarcoat it.

Camera Obscura - Nico

Wacky Wild Wednesday

It is Wednesday and I am trying to keep the music coming for you guys. One thing that it is important for me to remember is that I do enjoy writing and I need to do it. It really doesn't even matter what reason I use to give me the push to write. I just need to do it. The reality is that the more that I do it, like anything really, the better I get at it. It takes practice to do anything.

Dancing Queen - ABBA

This is a classic number and I believe one of ABBA's biggest hits. It has been sampled numerous times over the years and even been redone in more modern ways but I really can't recall if I have ever heard a bad version of it. It has one of the classic tunes and has actually aged pretty well. A classic number.

Little Rock - Collin Raye

I honestly have no idea where this came from and why it is in my music library. It isn't a horrible song but I have never heard of this man before. He is having some real emotional problems in Little Rock. I do hope things get better for him.

Alice - Tom Waits

Tom Waits takes some getting used to. But I feel that he is worth the effort. There is a real depth to a lot of his music and sure some of the songs are very somber but some are also very upbeat and happy. This one is not one of the happier ones but it is a good one. It is thinking mans music.

Slip Away - Clarence Carter

Great just great, back to back for sad songs. Thanks a  lot music player. This song is on the Almost Famous soundtrack and is justifiably a great song. I think it is a classic soul tune. They don't make them much like this one anymore at all. They should because this is a good one.

Panic In Detroit - David Bowie

This is a song from one of my favorite Bowie albums 'Aladdin Sane'. The album came out in 1973 and just has some amazing tracks on it. But Bowie is a musical genius so it shouldn't be a surprise that to anyone that is a good song. Bowie had some misses over the years but very few of them and taken as a whole most of his music never fails to satisfy.

The Trooper - Iron Maiden

One of my favorite Maiden tunes. This one was written by their bassist Steve Harris and is a great one. MAIDEN ROCK FOREVER!!!

That is all folks. Have a good day and keep on rocking.

Monday Music Madness

The Outskirts - Trampled by Turtles

I thought at least I could give you guys some music to listen to. I know how much Carl enjoys it as well as a few of my other friends. Today these are all coming straight from my computer and not from my google music player so hopefully you folks will get to hear some songs that you haven't heard me highlight before. The song above is from a band that I like a lot. They are one of the newer bluegrass groups and I have seen them only once in concert but it was one of the best shows that I have been too. If you like bluegrass do yourself a favor and look them up. You will not regret it.

Family Tree - Belle & Sebastian

I really enjoy Belle & Sebastian and I do not listen to them enough. They have a very extensive discography and are worth checking out if you enjoy lovely music that is easy to listen too.

Now I'm Here - Queen

This is a classic Queen number just a hard rocking example of the sheer power of arena rock. Queen was one of the most talented bands in the world. So good. Brian May on guitar never disappoints and Freddie on vocals is always a marvel.

A Whole New World - Aladdin  Soundtrack

Yes, I have several Disney soundtracks. Get over it. I am not ashamed the songs on Aladdin are beautiful.

Grieg: Holberg Suite

Such good, good classical music. I honestly do not think you can go wrong listening to Grieg.

Blue Rondo A La Turk - Dave Brubeck Quartet

This is a nice way to finish today's musical journey. This is such a good piece.

I hope you folks had a great day and remember keep on dancing.

Friday the 1st of Nov

Up and at it early today, is a good thing. I decided I am going to try to work through the music library again but using the musical genre options that Google Music has allowed me. I think that could create an interesting mix of music to hear. So the first genre is ACOUSTIC.

Dallas Green - Like Knives

I like Dallas Green. He has done some solo work and some work as "City and Color" which pretty much sounds like the Dallas Green solo stuff. I enjoy the mellowness of it as well as the depth of the lyrical content. That for me is often more important then the actual music. But not always.

Dallas Green - Sometimes I Wish

Well right off the bat, we have back to back Dallas Green songs. This is one of my favorite of his songs actually, because don't we all at times wish for life to have been a little different. Are any of us totally satisfied and have no desire for change at all? I don't think we are. I think it is pretty fluid and there are times where we are happy with how things are and other times when we wish desperately for some kind of change. I know that, for me, at least that is the truth. It is my truth and I wouldn't force it on others and I have found a way to be comfortable with that aspect of my self and for sure there are times when I am very much satisfied.

City and Colour - Day Old Hate

So while this technically isn't Dallas Green this is his group. I suppose I shouldn't be surprised by this. There is some kind of logic to the Google Music programming that makes no sense to me. I believe that I have a large amount of acoustic music in my collection but I wonder if we are going to get to hear anything else. I do know that if I was using Spotify I would be hearing all kinds of different things but they would not be bands that I own and I would rather bring you a look at the music the resides in my collection.

Okay I jumped genres because that was going to be nothing but City and Colour and I just can't do it. So we are now residing in the ALTERNATIVE genre and that should be a much better mix of things. At least as far as I am concerned and since this is my blog. I spake it and it is made so.

New Church - Lords of the New Church

Nice...right off of the bat and we are into some of the goth music that I like. So I am very happy about the switch. I actually like goth music a lot. It isn't something that I listen to all of the time but when I do I always enjoy it and there are times when I really do seek it out to listen to.

Rolling By - Big Scary

I honestly have never heard this song before. I didn't even know it was in my collection. But wow, talk about a sad, sad and lovely song. So good.This is a song that I could easily find myself sitting and listening to and even crying a little bit because I am just that kind of guy. They are called emotions people and those of us who have a soul get affected by nice and lovely and beautiful things. It does not make me less of a man then the next man. So get over your old and out of touch ideas of masculinity and understand that things are different then when grampa was cutting maple trees for syrup.

Five Iron Frenzy - Milestone

Nice! I always like a little bit of Christian 3rd wave ska and any type of ska just makes me bounce in my seat and brings a smile to my face. If I were a DR I would recommend a serving of Ska everyday to keep a smile on your face. There is just something about it that I really do enjoy.

Todd Rundgren - A Dream Goes on Forever

This is a nice song to end things on. Have a good Friday folks. I hope people get to do some relaxing this weekend.

Friday Friday Friday

Not much of depth or profundity to say today. I am just trying to get the old fingers moving on the keyboard so that I don't get out of the habit as it were. I always feel like I should  be writing more but I do not always have something to say. So that makes it hard. I am honestly not sure what the correct balance is. I like writing and I feel like it helps me when I am dealing with emotional things but I do not always feel emotional and since emotion is what I use to fuel the writing that leaves my tank a little empty at times when I am trying to come up with topics.

Dio - Rainbow in the Dark

I suppose I should understand that there doesn't always have to be a theme when I write and to just get it out and let my voice be heard regardless of the subject that I am writing about. As I say that I realize that I right now positioning myself to have a theme for this. That is just so sad.

Paddy on the Turnpike

Boy that guy can really play the mandolin. As I look out the window at the coffeehouse I am reminded of how dark it can get in Oregon during this time of year. It is only 4:30 it feels so much later. I am not complaining mind you I am just realizing that on a gray day like today it can seem so much later then it actually is.

Johnny Cash - I Hung My Head

I have my music play Google Music on random and I am always a little surprised at how the music choices tend to match my mood at whatever given time I am listening to it. I am sure that it is just coincidence but it certainly feels like it can read my mind. I suppose it is only a matter of time until such a thing exists.

Supertramp - A Soapbox Opera

That was a really good song. I really enjoyed it. I have a lot of Supertramp but I should listen to it more often. There is a certain depth to the songs that I think gets overlooked. Though I will be the first to admit that I have a certain softness for that era of band. I just like that kind of music.

PJ Harvey - This Is Love

That being said I also like harder stuff like PJ Harvey. She is very talented and is an artist that not everybody enjoys but I really like her. She has always done her own thing and that is pretty cool as far as I am concerned.

Grateful Dead - Truckin

Well that is as good of a song to stop it on as any. I think I am going to go grab myself some fish taco's. I get them in Salem at a little place on Broadway called Marco's and they are amazing. So if you are ever in town do yourself a favor and grab one there.

Catch you later folks.

Tuesday, Tuesday, Tuesday

Now that we have that out of the way. How is it going folks? Has there been anything new going on for you? Not much has changed for me. I am still looking for work and trying to keep myself busy and be as productive as I can be because we live in a society and part of what makes a society work is caring for and helping others when you are able to. I do not even care what form it is, but I think that helping others is an important thing.

Blink 182 - Mutt

There was an interesting article yesterday on the AVClub website about the band Blink 182 and it brought back some pretty memories for me. I had not listened to Blink for several years. I had basically forgotten about them. The main reason when I think about it is because I just stopped liking their music. But the problem for me came when I finally saw them live. They were easily the worst band that I had ever seen live and I have seen some bad opening bands. Now, granted, some bands will have off days or attempt smething new live that just didn't work. But these guys were just plain bad. They had on stage 3 video screens, several guys on BMX bikes doing jumps and flips over the stage and to top it all over several midgets, little people on trampolines bouncing around as well and riding tricycles and bikes all over the stage. All in an effort to distract their fan base from how bad the music was that was being played live.

Billy Talent - Red Flag

I have never heard of Billy Talent but this is a pretty cool song that just popped up on my Spotify. I do not listen to a lot of punk rock either the old or newer varieties but I really enjoy that song.

Weezer - Memories

Generally speaking I do not care for Weezer either but this is a pretty cool song. I have never heard it before but I never let that stop me from having an opinion on something. In this case I may need to look deeper into the Weezer discography.

Blink 182 - What's My Age Again

This one is probably their biggest hit. It is a very good pop song, very catchy with a singable chorus and really, I ask you, what more are you looking for when you are listening to pop-punk music?

Billy Talent - Sudden Movements

Well, 2 for 2 for music that I have never heard before. I really, really and digging this guys sound. I do not know anything about him right now. But I am for sure going to do some researching.

Sum 41 - Fat Lip

I think guys were maybe 2 hit wonders but I do enjoy this song. Something makes me think they were Canadian but I am not sure why. There is a for sure Beastie Boys vibe one could say that they may have even stolen from the Beasties. I wouldn't be surprised if they had.

Caesars - Jerk It Out

This is a song that sounds familiar to me but I do not recall ever hearing this band before. But I am really digging this number. I love the bass and the drums as well as almost a surf rock kind of underlying sound.

Billy Talent - Try Honesty

I am going to wrap this up with my musical discovery for today. I hope the rest of his music does not disappoint. I am loving it so far.

Now get out of my way, I am heading for the pit!!

PS can we all agree about how much Good Charlotte sucked. Horrible.

Gangland wrap up.

It is time to wrap up my list of gang films and soundtracks and even though I previously said that I tend to group films in equal groups under a topic or genre of film and that I have a hard time narrowing down films to exclusive rankings. This film is a film that is honestly near the top of almost everyone of my lists if I was going to make a list. I think it is one of the best films that Francis Ford Coppola ever made, possibly the best film.

This film, and the talented group of young actors that made it up just kind of blows your mind. Oh sure, it helps that the book by S. E. Hinton that it is based on is very good source material. But honestly the film is far more then that. It is available on Amazon Prime and if you haven't seen it then please do yourselves a favor and watch it. If you haven't read the book, do yourself a favor and read the book.

Stevie Wonder - Stay Gold

U Tuesday

There are bands that I have listened to so much in my life that I go through phases where I just do not want to listen to them. U2 is one of those bands. It isn't that I dislike them, though I admit to not being a big fan of their work post Joshua Tree. But tonight for some reason as I sit at the Coffeehouse and drink my Hairbender and watch the rain fall it just seems like the perfect time to relisten to and revisit Joshua Tree.

U2 - Where the Streets Have No Name

There is not much to say about this song other then that I love it. The majestic organ chords and the guitar that opens the song just allow the whole experience to be very nearly worshipful. In fact if I were to let myself go I can tell that I could easily be weeping right now. Such a powerful song.

U2 - With Or Without You

This is another one where the intro just builds so nicely and when Bono's voice joins in there is a smoothness to it that is almost soothing to the ear and the psyche. "You gave it all. But, I want more." Who has not felt this way about someone they loved?

U2 - Bullet the Blue Sky

This song is almost a shock after the last one. There is almost a siren like sound to it's opening and then later in the song their are actual sirens and what the lyrics are describing leaves you as unsettled as the audio of the song does. But I think it is being unsettled in a good way. It is a political and a theological song and Bono is pretty clear about where he stands on the politics of America and a good chunk of the 1st world.

U2 - Red Hill Mining Town

This song starts with some lovely slide guitar and it just continues to the song the rasp of the guitar blending beautifully with the drum and the chug of the rhythm guitar and the screech of Bono's voice. "I can lose myself, you I can't live without."  There is a depth and a truth to that statement and while some may dismiss it as pop philosophy I do not. "I'm hanging on, you're all thats left to hold on to" There is truth and pain in that line and right now, for me, that is a good pain as I process the last 5 months and really the last nearly four years.

U2 - Trip Through Your Wires

I love, love the opening drums and the harmonica in this song. It reminds of several Doors songs actually and I mean that in a good way.

U2 - Exit

I am not sure about this song, because there are parts of it that I do not care for but at the same time I really do love it. There is just something about it that I really like.

I realize that I did not cover every song on this album. But I do not think that I need to. I really do not think that there is a bad song on this. I can sit and just listen to the whole thing in one sitting and not regret it at all. I am honestly sorry that I had let so much time pass between listening but perhaps that just makes my enjoyment even better. Do yourselves a favor and dig it out and give it another listen. You will not regret it.

Unlike Roger Sterling you will feel something.