Late Night Thoughts

I am not sure where this is going. I truthfully have no idea what is going on in my head right now. It is just after midnight on Wednesday the 22nd and I just found out earlier tonight that my ex-wife has remarried. I want to say that it doesn't bother me. But I am having a hard time going to sleep and for me that is a sure sign that there is a problem. I want her to be happy. I tell people that all the time and I believe that to be the truth. How horrible of a person would I be to not want that for her. I know in my heart that I can't make her happy and that what she is looking for in a relationship is not what I could bring her. That is only one of the myriad of reasons why we broke up. Her remarrying should not have come as a surprise to me. She has been dating this guy for a fair amount of time and they have been serious about it. So I am not sure why I feel like I was taken by surprise. I shouldn't care. I should be able to say good for her and just keep on keeping on. But I am really struggling right now and I not sure why. She should be happy. Everyone should be happy and if you aren't the person that makes them happy then you should let them go so that they can be happy. That is the only thing that makes sense. But if that makes sense then why am I feeling so bothered by this right now.

I don't mind being alone and in truth I actually like it most of the time. I like getting off of work and going home and disappearing into my room for most of the evening. Sure I make the occasional appearance now and then and I may step out and visit friends or go to the pub now and then but by and large I am a solitary being and like it that way. I am not a good fit for marriage and I do not expect to ever marry again or really have a long term relationship. That doesn't seem to be in the cards and if I am being honest with myself it wouldn't be fair to my partner to have to deal with my desire to be left alone. That for sure would not be good and would be a surefire recipe for relationship disaster. I do not want to do that to anyone else. I still feel some guilt for having done that to her despite the fact that we are still friends. I think had I actually known myself better I wouldn't have gotten married in the first place but I really felt like that was kind of the thing that you were supposed to do. I do not regret the 7 years at all but at the same time I can't help wonder what about how things might have turned out had I waited to ask her out or to propose in the first place. Had I not gotten married I am not sure that I would have ever gone back to college and I am glad that I did despite the nearly crippling debt that I have from school loans. I loved going to WOU and I loved Political Science and Philosophy. I found my niche their. I really did. I enjoyed Model United Nations and I would not have done any of those things without her encouragement and support. That is the truth. She brought many good things into my life. My relationship with her brought me close to her brother and that is a relationship that I will never forget. There are people in my life now that would not be in my life had I not gotten married in the first place. I love those people and they are hugely important to me.

My life is a good one right now. I have a roof over my head and a job that pays my bills for the most part. I have good friends and a good community around me. Oh sure there are always bumps in the road but overall things are very good and perhaps that is why this has thrown me a little bit. Things have been pretty stable and maybe it was time for there to be a little bit of turmoil so to speak. Maybe that is what I need to get me back to writing again and to move me out of the stasis of contentment that I have been living in. It isn't that I want chaos and drama because I do not. But it is very easy to be comfortable and to not stretch yourself. I know that is the case for me. I know that I love writing but I also know that if I am not feeling angsty or emotional about something the words just do not flow out of me. I am quite comfortable wallowing in my stability and comfort. I enjoy listening to my music and reading my books and thinking my thoughts without any actual consequences or affect on anything. It is easy for me to swirl around in an emotional and intellectual eddy and not actually go anywhere despite the appearance of movement.

Just writing like this I already feel better and in my feeling better I also feel frustrated with myself because despite my knowing that writing makes me feel better I stop doing it and just do other things.  I have always had a hard time actually finding a balance for myself and that seems to be the key with most everything in life. The need to find that sweet spot. To find that balance between leisure and labor so that you are being fed in both directions. Here is hoping that I can find that sweet spot and if anyone has read this much of my ranting that you can find that sweet spot in your life also. I feel like I have written myself out of the funk I was in earlier and that is a good thing. She is a great girl and great woman and she should be happy and that is all that I should care about. The past is the past and it isn't like we have kids to connect us anymore. I need and needed to let that last little bit go I suppose and recognize that moving on is a normal and a good thing. So good for her. I say that with all sincerity. I am glad that she is happy and doing well. I am going to close with something that I read just last week in the  The Way of the Bodhistattva...

"3.18

May I be a guard for those that are protectorless,

A guide for those who journey on the road.

For those who wish to go across the water, May I be a boat, a raft, a bridge. 

3.19

May I be an isle for those who year for a landfall,

And a lamp for those who long for light;,

For those who need a resting place, a bed;,

For all who need a servant, may I be their slave.

3.20

May I be the wishing jewel, the vase of plenty,

A word of power and the supreme healing;

May I be the tree of miracles,

And for every being the abundant cow. 

This is truly what I desire. Be well everybody and thank you for listening. 

Thoughtful Tuesday

It is interesting the things that can pop up that cause sadness. To be sure there are some things that seem pretty obvious to me when I get sad. But there are other things that at times can leave me almost blindsided by the origin. Sometimes it is because the level of sadness seems almost above and beyond the cause of the sadness and it makes me feel like my response is out of proportion to what triggered it.

I Could Be Dreaming - Belle and Sebastian

I have been divorced for nearly 5 years now and most of the time I do not think about my being divorced or even that I am single. My relationship or lack thereof does not bother me. I also rarely think about my age. I do what I do and my chronological age is really not an issue in how I live my life. I am old enough to vote and to drink and as far as I am concerned that leaves me old enough to do anything that I want to do. I rarely feel old. Though I have friends who while their chronological age may be younger than mine they also seem older than me. They may seem either more mature or just more tired and uptight. I also have friends who are older than I but seem much younger than me because of the way that they live their life. To be honest once you get past 25 or perhaps 30 everyone just kind of seems all the same nebulous age. If you are living an honest and authentic life you are going to live and do what you want to do regardless of what number is tacked on your existence.

Roy Walker - Belle and Sebastian

That being said, while I rarely feel or think about my age there are times when I distinctly feel my age. When that happens in can cause some angst and often what makes it worse is that it is so pointless for me to feel angst about situations that are beyond my control. But as is often the case with my crazy brain. I sometimes wonder is my angst truly because of the situation or is it because I think that I shouldn't be feeling angst about this and because of that I create a self fulfilling prophecy concerning things. Because despite my angst and confusion I also feel that I should be honestly feeling and experiencing whatever it is I am going through and if I do not then I am doing a disservice to myself and to my friends around me.

For Prayer - Wye Oak

It is one of those questions that I suspect I will never have an answer too. For good or bad. That is my reality. All that I can do is strive to be authentic and to be present in my pain. Because to hide from it and deny its existence will, I believe, lead to a much deeper unhealthiness and a much deeper emotional sadness that will impact my life in far worse ways. Sadly knowing that does not make it any easier for me to do it. I am a passionate man. I love things and people and I get excited about them and I invest in them. That is who I am. I feel things deeply. I would not trade that for the world. But there are times that when feeling deeply also means you feel much pain when things do not go like you thought you wanted them too go. Even when you did not realize that you even had expectations at all and even worse when those expectations were so far beyond reason that you had not even realized that you were thinking them.

Sun It Rises - Fleet Foxes

It is at that point, for me, that the self loathing begins. Because I should know better and I do know better then to grow attached to people that I can't have. So too speak. But for me the frustration comes because I do not feel like I am going out there and searching for things that I can't have. By and large I am who I am at this point in my life and I let people engage with me who want to engage with me. I do not hang out searching for some sort of unattainable manic pixie girl to fix me. As much as I would like it to be, life is not a Wes Anderson or Cameron Crowe film and I am never going to find either Margot Tenenbaum or Penny Lane.

And I am not nor will I ever be Richie Tenenbaum

Or William Miller.

Though perhaps I am. Because much like them I am unable to gain closure on this.

My Beloved Monster - eels

The disconnect that I feel about this is also frustrating because I know that I shouldn't bee feeling this way at all. One of the things that I would say that I hate about myself and I have actually very good self esteem because lets face it. I really do know how awesome I am. But I hate that my emotions and feelings have a very tenuous relationship with logic. When my emotions come to town they either drive my logic away or they lock it up in some sort of hole in my sub-basement and force it too put lotion on it's skin for when they make the inevitable skin suit out of it. Thankfully logic usually escapes the hole for a little while at least. I hate to think what will happen if emotion is ever successful in its quest for supremacy.

The Chimbley Sweep - The Decemberists

 Thanks for listening folks and always your likes and comments are welcomed and appreciated. I will keep on doing what I do. Listening to good tunes and loving others. We are all in this together and caring for each other is the best way to get through it together.

2-14-2010 (Valentines Day)

I normally do not blog on the weekends but I am sitting here getting ready for bed and I figured I would write a little bit. I imagine this will replace tomorrows post but we will see. I hope those of you that were able to have a three or four day weekend due to Lincoln's and Washington's birthdays had good ones.

This was a weird weekend for me. I have never been crazy about Valentines and of course this is worse by far. My first Valentines with Nicole we went to the Oregon Zoo and she gave me a pocket knife. It was then that I knew she was special. I did not know what the future would bring and had I known I am not sure if I would have done anything differently. Ironically, our last type of real date or couples time together also was a trip to the Oregon Zoo. I doubt if I will ever go to the Zoo again. As I sit here thinking about it I am barely able to hold the tears back. I always enjoyed the Zoo and I enjoyed my time there with her most of all. It will never be the same again. Nothing is ever going to be the same again. I am not sure what that means.

It seems like every time I start to feel a little bit better then something comes along to knock me right back into some kind of emotional spiral. What is more frustrating for me is that this is not even a real holiday it is totally put together by the greeting card companies and makes them millions of dollars every year. But I am not writing this to complain about Valentines day. It is to easy of a target and is done a million times every year by the long time and newly single divorced.

I am not sure why I am writing this in all honesty. I just felt like I had things that I needed to get out. You see I loved maybe I still love Nicole. I just do not know any more. I know that I can't think of her without intense pain. I have good days and bad day but mainly I have days that are just gray. It is a relatively good day if I can make it through with out thinking of her. Yet I still hope to get an email or some kind of text message or instant message nearly every day. It isn't that I have anything to say because I don't. I don't know what I want.

I do know what I miss. I miss her being in my life. I miss having dutch babies with her on lazy Sunday mornings. I miss staying up late and making cupcakes while we watched a movie on Netflix. I just miss her being around. I do not know if I was comfortable and in that level of comfort I just did not show her the love that she needed. I do know that I blame myself for what happened. I did not listen and I did not react and do what was needed to keep things going okay and now I am paying that price in my being alone. I fully realize that I have friends but this is on a different level then that. It is hard for me to fully articulate the level of emptiness that I am dealing with.

I imagine that things will get better I do not see how they couldn't.

I realize that this may be to intensely personal of a blog for many of my readers and I apologize for that but sometimes there are things that need to be said. If you return I soon will be back to my usual slightly humorous and topical thoughts and political ideas. So please bear with me.