10 Years Goes By Fast

I am sorry that I haven't posted much lately. I have started working again and I am having a hard time jumping back into the music library but I am hoping to get there next week. I decided I would write something tonight. Because tomorrow is the, if I am doing my math right, tenth anniversary of my wedding or would be if I was still married. Instead it is almost the 3rd anniversary of my divorce. It is interesting to me because up until about a week ago I had not really even thought of it. But a friend of mine got married last Friday and that brought back some memories. Most of them good. But I am hoping I can stave off the emotional meltdown by throwing some songs up and getting some of this out of me.

I am not sure what that means but I hope the music can let me just not dwell on what might have been or what was and instead focus on the present.



I am just going to be throwing up some songs that mean something to me.



This song hurts so much. But it is a good kind of hurt.



Sometimes I do wish nothing but the best. Sometimes I do not. Sometimes I just want to wallow in it and be resigned to being alone.



I hate to get into the psychology of the fact that I am identifying with the songs being sung by women. But maybe it is just the overarching themes of the songs.



I've posted this one before but I love it so much.



Sometimes I wish I could be the Rake. But I know that will never happen. I am too soft. But some people tell me that is a good thing.



I suppose I will finish with what I usually do when the depression strikes.

The Writer's Almanac

I was out late tonight. If you are reading this tomorrow morning then it was Thursday night. I went to see my friend Levi and we played a game called Magic at another friends house. But that really isn't the point of the writing. I met Levi because Nicole, my ex-wife, worked with then Levi's girlfriend Eva. Now Levi and Eva are married and Nicole and I are not. It is funny how things change and how plans change. Well as often serendipity seems to work. I was ruminating on that on the drive home and listening to National Public Radio (NPR). Well every night I think about 9:50 or so they a quick show called "The Writers Almanac". It is hosted by Garrison Keillor of "Lake Wobegon" fame. Well he reads a poem or two and tells about writers birthdays and different books. Tonight he read a poem that I am going place below. Please take the time to read it and I will meet you on the other side.

Cecil
by Stephen Dobyns

How calm is the spring evening, and the water
barely a ripple. My son stands at the edge
tossing in pebbles, then jumping back. He knows
that someplace out there lies Europe, and he points
to an island to ask if it is France. Here
on this beach my neighbor died, a foolish man.
He had fought with his daughter, his only child,
about her boyfriend and came here to cool off
when his heart stopped. Another neighbor found him
and thought him asleep, so relaxed did he seem.
He had helped me with my house, gave me advice
on painting, plastering. For this I thank him.
As I worked, we discussed our plans, how he wished
his daughter to go to the best schools, become
a scientist or engineer. I said how
I meant to settle down and make my life here—
My son asks me about the tide, why the water
doesn't keep coming up the street to wipe out
the house where he lives alone with his mother.
Is he scared, should I console him? Should I say
that if I controlled the tide I would destroy
that house for certain? Our plans came to nothing
and now, a year later, I'm just a visitor
in my son's life. We walk down to the water,
pause, and look out at the world. How big is it?
he asks me. Bigger every day, I answer.
"Cecil" by Stephen Dobyns, from Cemetery Nights. © Penguin Group, 1987. Reprinted with permission (buy now)

what did you think? I am not a great poetry reader. I do read all of the time and I fancy myself a bit of a writer but I do not have an ear for and never have really enjoyed poetry. But, as I listened to the poem being read and he mentioned the neighbor dying on the beach I thought "oh that is sad." and then he moved to the man's son asking about the tides and why didn't the water didn't come all the way up the street and "wipe out the house where he lived alone with his mother?"

That was when it hit me. The man was divorced and the plans that he had talked about previously with the now dead neighbor didn't matter. That the plans for the future came to nothing and now he is just a visitor. Well I do not mind telling you that I begone to cry as I was driving down the highway. I cried because the plans that I had now mean nothing. I cried because it feels like every time I have a good week or day something comes along from out of nowhere and makes me realize what I have lost. I honestly do not feel depressed a majority of the time. But in some ways I am dreading reaching a time where the thought of Nicole does not make me sad. As it is there is an empty spot in my life and for me to lose the memories I have of her, for me to lose the memories of the good times I do not know what that will mean for me.

As usual when the pain hits me. It hits me hard and it takes me by surprise. I have no idea how she is coping. Or even what she is doing to cope. The only thing that brings me some comfort is the vague hope that she is happier then I am now. At least I hope she is. I do not know. If she is not then this is truly a horrible thing for the both of us and there really was no benefit at all. I do not know that there should be a benefit but the thought that at least she might be happy or happier now has been of some small comfort to me.

Now, i sit in the garage and write on my laptop. Wullie is asleep in the ferret sleeping bag and Sebastian is roaming around like he usually does. "It's just you and me fellas." I tell them. I know they can't understand me. But sometimes it feels as if they are the only ones that I can really just let myself go with. Their needs are simple, clean food and water. Some bedding to sleep in and a little bit of attention but they do not even need much of that. I think they are aware that things are different but I am not sure what that would mean to them. I have no idea how aware they are of things. I wish I did...I wish I did.

2-14-2010 (Valentines Day)

I normally do not blog on the weekends but I am sitting here getting ready for bed and I figured I would write a little bit. I imagine this will replace tomorrows post but we will see. I hope those of you that were able to have a three or four day weekend due to Lincoln's and Washington's birthdays had good ones.

This was a weird weekend for me. I have never been crazy about Valentines and of course this is worse by far. My first Valentines with Nicole we went to the Oregon Zoo and she gave me a pocket knife. It was then that I knew she was special. I did not know what the future would bring and had I known I am not sure if I would have done anything differently. Ironically, our last type of real date or couples time together also was a trip to the Oregon Zoo. I doubt if I will ever go to the Zoo again. As I sit here thinking about it I am barely able to hold the tears back. I always enjoyed the Zoo and I enjoyed my time there with her most of all. It will never be the same again. Nothing is ever going to be the same again. I am not sure what that means.

It seems like every time I start to feel a little bit better then something comes along to knock me right back into some kind of emotional spiral. What is more frustrating for me is that this is not even a real holiday it is totally put together by the greeting card companies and makes them millions of dollars every year. But I am not writing this to complain about Valentines day. It is to easy of a target and is done a million times every year by the long time and newly single divorced.

I am not sure why I am writing this in all honesty. I just felt like I had things that I needed to get out. You see I loved maybe I still love Nicole. I just do not know any more. I know that I can't think of her without intense pain. I have good days and bad day but mainly I have days that are just gray. It is a relatively good day if I can make it through with out thinking of her. Yet I still hope to get an email or some kind of text message or instant message nearly every day. It isn't that I have anything to say because I don't. I don't know what I want.

I do know what I miss. I miss her being in my life. I miss having dutch babies with her on lazy Sunday mornings. I miss staying up late and making cupcakes while we watched a movie on Netflix. I just miss her being around. I do not know if I was comfortable and in that level of comfort I just did not show her the love that she needed. I do know that I blame myself for what happened. I did not listen and I did not react and do what was needed to keep things going okay and now I am paying that price in my being alone. I fully realize that I have friends but this is on a different level then that. It is hard for me to fully articulate the level of emptiness that I am dealing with.

I imagine that things will get better I do not see how they couldn't.

I realize that this may be to intensely personal of a blog for many of my readers and I apologize for that but sometimes there are things that need to be said. If you return I soon will be back to my usual slightly humorous and topical thoughts and political ideas. So please bear with me.