I normally do not blog on the weekends but I am sitting here getting ready for bed and I figured I would write a little bit. I imagine this will replace tomorrows post but we will see. I hope those of you that were able to have a three or four day weekend due to Lincoln's and Washington's birthdays had good ones.
This was a weird weekend for me. I have never been crazy about Valentines and of course this is worse by far. My first Valentines with Nicole we went to the Oregon Zoo and she gave me a pocket knife. It was then that I knew she was special. I did not know what the future would bring and had I known I am not sure if I would have done anything differently. Ironically, our last type of real date or couples time together also was a trip to the Oregon Zoo. I doubt if I will ever go to the Zoo again. As I sit here thinking about it I am barely able to hold the tears back. I always enjoyed the Zoo and I enjoyed my time there with her most of all. It will never be the same again. Nothing is ever going to be the same again. I am not sure what that means.
It seems like every time I start to feel a little bit better then something comes along to knock me right back into some kind of emotional spiral. What is more frustrating for me is that this is not even a real holiday it is totally put together by the greeting card companies and makes them millions of dollars every year. But I am not writing this to complain about Valentines day. It is to easy of a target and is done a million times every year by the long time and newly single divorced.
I am not sure why I am writing this in all honesty. I just felt like I had things that I needed to get out. You see I loved maybe I still love Nicole. I just do not know any more. I know that I can't think of her without intense pain. I have good days and bad day but mainly I have days that are just gray. It is a relatively good day if I can make it through with out thinking of her. Yet I still hope to get an email or some kind of text message or instant message nearly every day. It isn't that I have anything to say because I don't. I don't know what I want.
I do know what I miss. I miss her being in my life. I miss having dutch babies with her on lazy Sunday mornings. I miss staying up late and making cupcakes while we watched a movie on Netflix. I just miss her being around. I do not know if I was comfortable and in that level of comfort I just did not show her the love that she needed. I do know that I blame myself for what happened. I did not listen and I did not react and do what was needed to keep things going okay and now I am paying that price in my being alone. I fully realize that I have friends but this is on a different level then that. It is hard for me to fully articulate the level of emptiness that I am dealing with.
I imagine that things will get better I do not see how they couldn't.
I realize that this may be to intensely personal of a blog for many of my readers and I apologize for that but sometimes there are things that need to be said. If you return I soon will be back to my usual slightly humorous and topical thoughts and political ideas. So please bear with me.