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Tuesday, March 04, 2014

Thoughtful Tuesday

It is interesting the things that can pop up that cause sadness. To be sure there are some things that seem pretty obvious to me when I get sad. But there are other things that at times can leave me almost blindsided by the origin. Sometimes it is because the level of sadness seems almost above and beyond the cause of the sadness and it makes me feel like my response is out of proportion to what triggered it.

I Could Be Dreaming - Belle and Sebastian

I have been divorced for nearly 5 years now and most of the time I do not think about my being divorced or even that I am single. My relationship or lack thereof does not bother me. I also rarely think about my age. I do what I do and my chronological age is really not an issue in how I live my life. I am old enough to vote and to drink and as far as I am concerned that leaves me old enough to do anything that I want to do. I rarely feel old. Though I have friends who while their chronological age may be younger than mine they also seem older than me. They may seem either more mature or just more tired and uptight. I also have friends who are older than I but seem much younger than me because of the way that they live their life. To be honest once you get past 25 or perhaps 30 everyone just kind of seems all the same nebulous age. If you are living an honest and authentic life you are going to live and do what you want to do regardless of what number is tacked on your existence.

Roy Walker - Belle and Sebastian

That being said, while I rarely feel or think about my age there are times when I distinctly feel my age. When that happens in can cause some angst and often what makes it worse is that it is so pointless for me to feel angst about situations that are beyond my control. But as is often the case with my crazy brain. I sometimes wonder is my angst truly because of the situation or is it because I think that I shouldn't be feeling angst about this and because of that I create a self fulfilling prophecy concerning things. Because despite my angst and confusion I also feel that I should be honestly feeling and experiencing whatever it is I am going through and if I do not then I am doing a disservice to myself and to my friends around me.

For Prayer - Wye Oak

It is one of those questions that I suspect I will never have an answer too. For good or bad. That is my reality. All that I can do is strive to be authentic and to be present in my pain. Because to hide from it and deny its existence will, I believe, lead to a much deeper unhealthiness and a much deeper emotional sadness that will impact my life in far worse ways. Sadly knowing that does not make it any easier for me to do it. I am a passionate man. I love things and people and I get excited about them and I invest in them. That is who I am. I feel things deeply. I would not trade that for the world. But there are times that when feeling deeply also means you feel much pain when things do not go like you thought you wanted them too go. Even when you did not realize that you even had expectations at all and even worse when those expectations were so far beyond reason that you had not even realized that you were thinking them.

Sun It Rises - Fleet Foxes

It is at that point, for me, that the self loathing begins. Because I should know better and I do know better then to grow attached to people that I can't have. So too speak. But for me the frustration comes because I do not feel like I am going out there and searching for things that I can't have. By and large I am who I am at this point in my life and I let people engage with me who want to engage with me. I do not hang out searching for some sort of unattainable manic pixie girl to fix me. As much as I would like it to be, life is not a Wes Anderson or Cameron Crowe film and I am never going to find either Margot Tenenbaum or Penny Lane.

And I am not nor will I ever be Richie Tenenbaum

Or William Miller.

Though perhaps I am. Because much like them I am unable to gain closure on this.

My Beloved Monster - eels

The disconnect that I feel about this is also frustrating because I know that I shouldn't bee feeling this way at all. One of the things that I would say that I hate about myself and I have actually very good self esteem because lets face it. I really do know how awesome I am. But I hate that my emotions and feelings have a very tenuous relationship with logic. When my emotions come to town they either drive my logic away or they lock it up in some sort of hole in my sub-basement and force it too put lotion on it's skin for when they make the inevitable skin suit out of it. Thankfully logic usually escapes the hole for a little while at least. I hate to think what will happen if emotion is ever successful in its quest for supremacy.

The Chimbley Sweep - The Decemberists

 Thanks for listening folks and always your likes and comments are welcomed and appreciated. I will keep on doing what I do. Listening to good tunes and loving others. We are all in this together and caring for each other is the best way to get through it together.

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