Somber Sunday

Today is an odd day. I woke up early and watched some EPL (English Premiere League) soccer. Talked to my parents. Spent some time watching several birds in the backyard bath in the bird bath and flit around. But the whole day I have been kind of on the edge. The edge of nervousness, frustration, anger. I feel like I am at a tipping point and I do not know which way I am going to tip. I am at Broadway right now trying to write it out basically I am not really sure what that even means. I know that I come here because I feel safe and at home here regardless of who is working. It has become a place of sanctuary for me in the 3 years that it has been  here and for that I am very grateful. Though feeling safe in a place can have its drawbacks because I am now tearing up as I write this and that is not always socially appropriate in a public place. So let me put on my happy face.

There that is better. It isn't that I am sitting here scowling and raging at everyone who walks past. I am not even feeling super angry inside. But there is a turmoil that is going on and there is frustration that is tied in with that. I am positive that some of the frustration is because I am unable to pin point what is making me feel this way. I often feel like I am hyper self aware and so when I can't pin down what it is that is making me feel a certain way that can be really bothersome to me.

I think I am going to do some random tunes from my soundtracks section. That always pleases me and hopefully you guys might enjoy it as well.

Bad Ronald - 1st Time

This is an interesting song and it is from the soundtrack for the film "Orange County" which is one of my favorite films. I just enjoy it.  This song is pretty good but the film is much better.

Cliff Martinez - Skull Crushing

This is from the film "Drive" a film and soundtrack that I like a lot. But it isn't for everyone. There is a bit of the old ultra-violence so it is kind of brutal. But I really, really dig the whole package of the film and the music together. It really paints something pretty cool.

Dewey Cox - Walk Hard

This movie is both a spoof of basically Johnny Cash's life as well as every other film ever made that is an autobiography of a musician. I love it. I love the music of it and I love the total abandonment they had when they made it. It hits all the right notes and if you like music and the history of rock music over the years. You will enjoy this. It is crass though with full frontal male nudity. Yummy!! :)

The New Main St Singers - Never Did No Wanderin'

Oh my! Another spoof film but this time done by the mighty Christopher Guest (Spinal Tap) and about folk music. It is another one that I just love the music in and the film is pretty funny as well.

The Beach Boys - Sloop John B

A classic Beach Boys number and put to good use in "Forrest Gump". I enjoyed the film in the theater and the book but I am not so sure that the film would stand up if I watched it today. But one thing is for sure that the soundtrack has some classic songs in it that the film uses to anchor itself in certain decades.

Rufus Wainwright - Hallelujah

This song is from the film Shrek and that is all I am going to say. Because it destroys me. Literally destroys me and in any other situation I would be singing along and weeping. A perfectly lovely and beautiful song.

Hans Zimmer - Am I Not Merciful

This is another song from a movie that initially I really enjoyed. I have not watched it in several years and I do not know if it would stand up or not. Though I do enjoy the music. The film is Gladiator with Russel Crow

The Ohio Players - I Want To Be Free

A solid funk song from the Boogie Nights soundtrack. Another great mix of film and soundtrack. Such a good movie.

Later days folks.

Well All Right ...

Anyone of you that have read this blog in the past knows how much I enjoy music and knows how much it is an important part of my existence and its presence in my life has been  very helpful in times both good and bad. One of the things that brings me the most peace or pleasure depending on the mood I am in is when I can create a playlist to listen to in The Van.

I have a CD player in the their and that makes it pretty easy to burn things from my computer to disc. Though it would be sweet if I could get a system in their that lets me play MP3's. The playlists that I could make would be so awesome. But anyway, before I get to off track I wanted to share with you the latest and in some ways the most personal playlist that I have made in a long time. So please give it a listen, hopefully Youtube has all of these. and let me know if you enjoyed it or not.

Blind Faith - Can't Find My Home

Blind Faith - Well All Right

The Allman Brothers - Whipping Post

Too put it bluntly the last 3 nearly 4 years have been pretty shitty. Oh I am sure that there are plenty of people who have had it far worse and I am not claiming that my life is horrible. But there have been moments of time where things looked and felt pretty bleak. But I have some very, very good people around me and them along with the music that I can listen to has really made a difference as far as things go. There are times though when in the midst of whatever emotional dive I am in that things look pretty bad and I wonder what is the point. Sometimes the music helps pull me out of that and sometimes the music helps me to kind of swim through it. It is kind of hard to explain if you haven't been in the midst of that kind of emotional wave.

The Lumineers - Hey Ho

Lynrd Skynrd - Simple Man

Kansas - Carry On

There is not much to say about these songs. They bring me some comfort and some peace as I listen to them. They also bring me sorrow but it isn't a bad kind of sorrow. It is the reality of things gone that can never return but at the same time good memories of things that I wouldn't have traded for the world as well as relationships that have formed who I am today.

Montgomery Gentry - You Do Your Thing, I'll Do Mine

Lynrd Skynrd - Free Bird (Film "Devil's Rejects"

These are songs about being true to yourself. True to myself and experiencing this pain honestly and not numbing myself to it. But letting it flow through me and not letting it overwhelm me or define me but acknowledging its existence and trying to use it to make myself a better person on the far end of it. However long that takes and I have no idea at all how long it is going to take.

Neil Young - Everybody Knows This Is Nowhere

Neil Young - Old Man

Neil Young - Needle and the Damage Done

Neil Young - Running Dry

Sometimes you feel like you are at the end of your tether and these songs help me. I know that isn't the case for everyone but hearing someone put what feels like my feelings into words does amazing things for me. Through tears and sorrow can sometimes come cleansing and healing.

O' Death - Down To Rest

The White Stripes - One More Cup of Coffee

Ralph Stanley - Oh Death

Mumford n Sons - Whispers in the Dark

It is pretty obvious how this ends and it ends the same way for all of us. I can fight it and not be honest about it or I can acknowledge it and understand this is something that happens to all of us and just accept that. I think the older that I get the less fear there is of it. This will happen and I do not know when or how and that is fine with me. This playlist leaves me with a feeling of hope and I know that may not be the case for everyone and some of you may not like it at all. But I hope that you enjoyed at least some of the songs that are hear.

Tuesday...

I am honestly not sure what to write about today. Lately I have been watching the first season of the HBO show "The Newsroom". The show was created by Aaron Sorkin and I find his work very interesting. It is hard for me to quantify it, because while I often find his public persona to be very smug and really just pretty annoying in general, his writing on his shows often touch a chord with me and often it is a very emotional chord. I really do love things that can have that affect on me. I honestly do not care if that effect is good or bad but there needs to be something, otherwise why bother with it. What is the point of watching a show or listening to music or reading a book if there is not some sort of visceral reaction to it?

Lou Reed - Perfect Day

Isn't that the point? Why spend the time with it if there is not some sort of connection? If I wanted to spend my time on something and not have nay kind of emotional response to what I am spending time with I would have a job. It is plenty easy to shut the emotions off and zombie your way through the work day, but honestly, that seems like no way to live and life is hard enough as far as I am concerned if I am going to go through it in a dull zombie state.

Devo - Gut Feeling

Some would argue that emotions are neither good nor bad that they just exist and that we have no control over them. I would agree with that to a point. But I think a life without emotion is no kind of life for me. Sure if the emotion that I am feeling is me walking around in a rage all of the time that is going to be a problem. But, that isn't the kind of emotion that I am talking about. To be sure there are times when I will watch something or read something and I am left angry or enraged though I do not feel rage all that often. I am more likely to feel sadly angry more then anything else as far as emotions in the anger spectrum go.

Brian Eno - Deep Blue Day

I know that there are people who fear feeling emotions because they feel like they are out of control but I think the quickest way to get back in control is to feel that emotion and to ride it through. It may be hard to do for some but to sit down and write it out can be so beneficial. I know that this blog is that for me, there are times as I am writing that I am taken to a pretty dark places but as I write I am walking through those places and I am emerging from that journey in a better place then I was when I started it. As far as I am concerned, if I had never started the journey I would have just sat in it and wallowed in that dark place. The only way for me to get through it is to face it head on and honestly and authentically experience it.

David Bowie - Fame

The reality is that while whatever event I am feeling emotional about is not going to change, I am going to change as I travel through that experience. It feels callous for me to say, but what's done is done and nothing I can do can change that. But what I can change is my response to that event for good or bad. That is the one thing that I may have some sort of control over. I am not claiming that it will be easy or pleasant because it will not be and odd are that it will not be short. I know that for me it has not been and I have no idea when this whole experience is going to be over. Or honestly if it will ever be.

David Bowie - Ashes to Ashes

And part of that process is for me to sit and stare off into space as I try desperately to put the words together on the page to make some sort of sense out of what I am feeling. Or why I am feeling what I am feeling when the SORROW overtakes me. There often seems to be no rhyme or reason for when it happens. Oh sure, there is always the original reason. But there are times when I am not even thinking about the original reason when it happens. Last week I was driving to a friends house for a birthday event and the tears and near panic started to flow. I settled down by the time I had arrived at my location but near as I could tell there was nothing that had triggered the initial emotional response.

The Velvet Underground - The Velvet Underground

In some ways that is the most frustrating thing for me. I find it frustrating because I have always been so in touch with my emotions and to not know exactly why I am weeping or what caused the weeping is extremely annoying and my response has now shifted somewhat to a near panic attack at times and that is a brand new experience for me. So I can find it almost fascinating as I sit outside my body as some sort of glorious third person Buddha and watch myself experience these things. It isn't a pleasant experience at all. But it is also my reality right now and I am not going to deny it or to deny myself this experience. I just can't.

The Madness of Mad Men

It is hard for me to put into words how much some television shows affect me. I have always been prone to emotional reactions to television and movies and music and rainbows and the wind blowing and rain and dogs and cats and really doing anything. But that is not what we are going to be talking about right now. We are going to be talking about how the television show Mad Men rips me open and leaves me broken and bleeding on the floor. It has at time left me giddy with laughter and left me speechless in astonishment or sick with dread and it has left me weeping. The season finale of last night did just that. The image of Don with his children looking at the derelict whorehouse that he grew up in left me a complete mess.

Both Sides Now - Judy Collins

Right now even listening to this song again is making me cry. This whole season and the last season of Mad Men has been heart and gut wrenching for me. I am sure that part of it is that I am seeing it through the lens of my own divorce as well as me being the same age as Don and that is affecting me as well. It seems silly I suppose and may even seem more silly if you are not a viewer of the show and are not identifying so heavily with the main character.

This is me...that is all I can really say without spoiling things. You can say what you want about this show. But I like it and the feelings that it causes me to feel is one of the reasons  why I think it is amazing. 

Am I Authentic or Am I Performing....

I had some interesting thoughts this weekend. I am going to try to share them with you as they came to me and along with that I may well do some processing or try to do some processing to find out what they mean to me.

Everybody Know This Is Nowhere - Neil Young

I was asked (by a good friend) "All well on your end?" I gave it some thought for actually a couple of days for a couple of reasons. One being that she is a good enough friend that I knew it wasn't a throwaway question and so it deserved an honest answer and the second being that I honestly did not know for sure what an honest answer was. Is all well on my end? Even as I think about that right now I am not sure.

Round and Round - Neil Young

This is what my answer was.

"I don't know if things are well or not. I am functioning but I am honestly not even sure at what level. I think I am still confused as to how I am feeling about Eric and dealing with that. Also just my feelings for his family and my ex-wife along it. Things are just very muddled right now."

There was some joking about lacing the muddledness(sp) with scotch,because we both like to drink some scotch now and then and as I thought a little more about it. This thought popped into my head.

"I hate being so self aware that I can't even let myself get so drunk that I do something real stupid. I hate being sick the next day so I always stop myself before I can get to the point where I might have a real drunken emotional breakthrough.

 That is the funny thing about pot for me. I am never out of control and I feel fine the next day. It just works for me on a relaxation level but not on a level where I can shut off the voice in my head that questions the authenticity of my every action.

 I think that is part of my struggle with honesty because even as I strive to be honest and real there is always that voice inside my head that is asking "but were you really honest, are you really being real? Or are you on a stage because you know that is what they want to see from you?"
I hate that voice."

Down by the River - Neil Young

That is a totally unvarnished thought. It is unfiltered and not changed at all from when I first thought it. So I suppose that is a good thing that I was able to express it without first running round and round through my brain to make sure what I really was thinking and meaning by it.

 It has been a little over a month since Eric died and intellectually I know that each person mourns in their own way and that the time and the process is different for each of us. But that honestly does me no good because my emotional reaction or feels as the cool kids call them are overriding my intellect.

The Losing End - Neil Young

But maybe that is okay. Maybe for me, my honest reaction is to question the authenticity of my feelings and in doing this I am honestly dealing with whatever it is that I am dealing with. Or perhaps I just made a nice logical circle that is eating it's own tail. Which may be one of the reasons that I very nearly failed logic in college. I love philosophy but logic was never my friend.

Running Dry - Neil Young

I pride myself on not caring what people think and normally that isn't a problem for me at all. I may have addressed this before as well. But I do not understand why this is concerning me. Most of the time I am left to my own devices and people can't even see the maelstrom of why's and how about's that is whirling around in my head and the only time it really comes to the surface is when I decide to answer a perfectly pleasant question honestly.

Out On The Weekend - Neil Young

As I sit here thinking about what I put in bold up there. I realize I am torn by a couple of things. I am upset and saddened by Eric's death at what I thought of as far to young of an age. That brings me sorrow and upsets me. But also and in some ways at a more deeper and fundamental level I am bothered and upset and saddened at the effect that this has had on so many people. I do wake up everyday thinking about this missing spot in my life but my pain, I feel , is nothing compared to that of Devyn and Nicole and his parents and others. At this point, it really feels like that is what is hurting me more or making me more upset. I want to do more. I want to fix an unfixable situation and that is killing me.  And yet even as I reach this moment of clarity I hear that voice in my head saying "Do you?" "Do you really feel that way or do you think that is what people want you to feel, so you are going to tell them that is what you are feeling?" I do not know how to answer that voice or if I even need to.

A Man Needs A Maid - Neil Young

I do honestly feel a little bit at sea...what focus and direction that I used to have in my life has been blown out of the water. I get up each day and turn in a few job applications with little or no response or luck. I write a little bit and then I take a nap because I have really only slept two or three hours that night or perhaps I have slept six hours in two separate three hour groups. All that I know is that I have not have a full night of sleep in  over a month and I know that is beginning to wear on me.

Old Man - Neil Young

Am I becoming the Old Man? I didn't used to be. But that may be a topic for another blog post. We shall see.