Somber Sunday

Today is an odd day. I woke up early and watched some EPL (English Premiere League) soccer. Talked to my parents. Spent some time watching several birds in the backyard bath in the bird bath and flit around. But the whole day I have been kind of on the edge. The edge of nervousness, frustration, anger. I feel like I am at a tipping point and I do not know which way I am going to tip. I am at Broadway right now trying to write it out basically I am not really sure what that even means. I know that I come here because I feel safe and at home here regardless of who is working. It has become a place of sanctuary for me in the 3 years that it has been  here and for that I am very grateful. Though feeling safe in a place can have its drawbacks because I am now tearing up as I write this and that is not always socially appropriate in a public place. So let me put on my happy face.

There that is better. It isn't that I am sitting here scowling and raging at everyone who walks past. I am not even feeling super angry inside. But there is a turmoil that is going on and there is frustration that is tied in with that. I am positive that some of the frustration is because I am unable to pin point what is making me feel this way. I often feel like I am hyper self aware and so when I can't pin down what it is that is making me feel a certain way that can be really bothersome to me.

I think I am going to do some random tunes from my soundtracks section. That always pleases me and hopefully you guys might enjoy it as well.

Bad Ronald - 1st Time

This is an interesting song and it is from the soundtrack for the film "Orange County" which is one of my favorite films. I just enjoy it.  This song is pretty good but the film is much better.

Cliff Martinez - Skull Crushing

This is from the film "Drive" a film and soundtrack that I like a lot. But it isn't for everyone. There is a bit of the old ultra-violence so it is kind of brutal. But I really, really dig the whole package of the film and the music together. It really paints something pretty cool.

Dewey Cox - Walk Hard

This movie is both a spoof of basically Johnny Cash's life as well as every other film ever made that is an autobiography of a musician. I love it. I love the music of it and I love the total abandonment they had when they made it. It hits all the right notes and if you like music and the history of rock music over the years. You will enjoy this. It is crass though with full frontal male nudity. Yummy!! :)

The New Main St Singers - Never Did No Wanderin'

Oh my! Another spoof film but this time done by the mighty Christopher Guest (Spinal Tap) and about folk music. It is another one that I just love the music in and the film is pretty funny as well.

The Beach Boys - Sloop John B

A classic Beach Boys number and put to good use in "Forrest Gump". I enjoyed the film in the theater and the book but I am not so sure that the film would stand up if I watched it today. But one thing is for sure that the soundtrack has some classic songs in it that the film uses to anchor itself in certain decades.

Rufus Wainwright - Hallelujah

This song is from the film Shrek and that is all I am going to say. Because it destroys me. Literally destroys me and in any other situation I would be singing along and weeping. A perfectly lovely and beautiful song.

Hans Zimmer - Am I Not Merciful

This is another song from a movie that initially I really enjoyed. I have not watched it in several years and I do not know if it would stand up or not. Though I do enjoy the music. The film is Gladiator with Russel Crow

The Ohio Players - I Want To Be Free

A solid funk song from the Boogie Nights soundtrack. Another great mix of film and soundtrack. Such a good movie.

Later days folks.

Writing...

The book in the picture above was given to me by Eric. He gave me three books that are very important to me and impacted my life at the time and continue to impact my life. These books were Stephen King's On Writing, and Donald Miller's Blue Like Jazz, and Searching For God Know's What.

Sodom, South Georgia - Iron and Wine

Now there are a lot of people who know that I like to write and their are a lot of people who know that I spend an inordinate amount of time wrapped up in my head space being conflicted about my person and who I need to be in this life. But only one person has ever given me a gift that covered all of those things. Only one person seemed to fully get what I had going on within. That was Eric. He in the space of a year gave me three gifts that completely turned around my thinking on writing and God and Church and in doing so my life also changed.

Calamity Song - The Decemberists

I was excited when I found my well worn copy of On Writing I can't fully emphasize the importance of this book to me. But once that initial excitement faded, the sadness snuck back in. It is just a really shitty feeling to know that there is literally nothing I can do now. He is gone and I can do nothing to bring him back and that when I want to have a conversation with him about any number of subjects it is impossible for me to do so.

FUCK, FUCK,FUCK,FUCK. IT IS ALL SO MUCH BULLSHIT ......

and there is not enough distractions to keep me from freaking out on a weekly basis.

Sunset and Soon Forgotten - Iron and Wine

Why is that not an option? Instead I feel everything over and over and over. Sick of it . . . 

Am I Authentic or Am I Performing....

I had some interesting thoughts this weekend. I am going to try to share them with you as they came to me and along with that I may well do some processing or try to do some processing to find out what they mean to me.

Everybody Know This Is Nowhere - Neil Young

I was asked (by a good friend) "All well on your end?" I gave it some thought for actually a couple of days for a couple of reasons. One being that she is a good enough friend that I knew it wasn't a throwaway question and so it deserved an honest answer and the second being that I honestly did not know for sure what an honest answer was. Is all well on my end? Even as I think about that right now I am not sure.

Round and Round - Neil Young

This is what my answer was.

"I don't know if things are well or not. I am functioning but I am honestly not even sure at what level. I think I am still confused as to how I am feeling about Eric and dealing with that. Also just my feelings for his family and my ex-wife along it. Things are just very muddled right now."

There was some joking about lacing the muddledness(sp) with scotch,because we both like to drink some scotch now and then and as I thought a little more about it. This thought popped into my head.

"I hate being so self aware that I can't even let myself get so drunk that I do something real stupid. I hate being sick the next day so I always stop myself before I can get to the point where I might have a real drunken emotional breakthrough.

 That is the funny thing about pot for me. I am never out of control and I feel fine the next day. It just works for me on a relaxation level but not on a level where I can shut off the voice in my head that questions the authenticity of my every action.

 I think that is part of my struggle with honesty because even as I strive to be honest and real there is always that voice inside my head that is asking "but were you really honest, are you really being real? Or are you on a stage because you know that is what they want to see from you?"
I hate that voice."

Down by the River - Neil Young

That is a totally unvarnished thought. It is unfiltered and not changed at all from when I first thought it. So I suppose that is a good thing that I was able to express it without first running round and round through my brain to make sure what I really was thinking and meaning by it.

 It has been a little over a month since Eric died and intellectually I know that each person mourns in their own way and that the time and the process is different for each of us. But that honestly does me no good because my emotional reaction or feels as the cool kids call them are overriding my intellect.

The Losing End - Neil Young

But maybe that is okay. Maybe for me, my honest reaction is to question the authenticity of my feelings and in doing this I am honestly dealing with whatever it is that I am dealing with. Or perhaps I just made a nice logical circle that is eating it's own tail. Which may be one of the reasons that I very nearly failed logic in college. I love philosophy but logic was never my friend.

Running Dry - Neil Young

I pride myself on not caring what people think and normally that isn't a problem for me at all. I may have addressed this before as well. But I do not understand why this is concerning me. Most of the time I am left to my own devices and people can't even see the maelstrom of why's and how about's that is whirling around in my head and the only time it really comes to the surface is when I decide to answer a perfectly pleasant question honestly.

Out On The Weekend - Neil Young

As I sit here thinking about what I put in bold up there. I realize I am torn by a couple of things. I am upset and saddened by Eric's death at what I thought of as far to young of an age. That brings me sorrow and upsets me. But also and in some ways at a more deeper and fundamental level I am bothered and upset and saddened at the effect that this has had on so many people. I do wake up everyday thinking about this missing spot in my life but my pain, I feel , is nothing compared to that of Devyn and Nicole and his parents and others. At this point, it really feels like that is what is hurting me more or making me more upset. I want to do more. I want to fix an unfixable situation and that is killing me.  And yet even as I reach this moment of clarity I hear that voice in my head saying "Do you?" "Do you really feel that way or do you think that is what people want you to feel, so you are going to tell them that is what you are feeling?" I do not know how to answer that voice or if I even need to.

A Man Needs A Maid - Neil Young

I do honestly feel a little bit at sea...what focus and direction that I used to have in my life has been blown out of the water. I get up each day and turn in a few job applications with little or no response or luck. I write a little bit and then I take a nap because I have really only slept two or three hours that night or perhaps I have slept six hours in two separate three hour groups. All that I know is that I have not have a full night of sleep in  over a month and I know that is beginning to wear on me.

Old Man - Neil Young

Am I becoming the Old Man? I didn't used to be. But that may be a topic for another blog post. We shall see.

Take Me Back To Happy Valley?

The Bailey Bros - Take Me Back To Happy Valley

Well those tears came on fast. I was sitting here just kind of relaxing and minding my own business. I had just  watched the "Advanced Dungeons and Dragons" episode of Community and was feeling pretty good when that song that is above started playing on my computer. It just kind of hit me that for several people that I know and care about and I fear in some ways myself that the idea of an existence of "Happy Valley" is long gone and probably not going to be coming back again anytime soon. Maybe I can hope for some kind of "Somber Plateau". I just don't know.

Leonard Cohen - Bird On a Wire

I honestly do not understand what is going on with my emotions right now. I really thought things had leveled off and I have had several days without tears. There is a nervousness to my stomach and the tears are just kind of dripping out. Bah, I am really not understanding where this is coming from right at this moment. On a practical level my intellect wants to say that I just spent to much time alone in my room today and I suppose that there is some validity to that.

Toto - I'll Be Over You

Of course it might help if my music player, that is set on random, would stop playing sad songs over and over. I mean is that to much to ask. It isn't like I set it up to play songs guaranteed to make Lance cry. It is just randomly playing everything in my collection. I swear I think it has developed sentience. But back to this whole idea of a "Happy Valley". I don't even like the concept of that. I could see their being a "Happy Peak" or mountain top but valley are places of pain and sorrow. I can see myself rising out of the valley to like I said earlier a "Somber Plateau" but honestly I do not think happiness is in the cards for me and rising to some peak of pleasure and joy I fear may be totally beyond me.

Trampled By Turtles - School Bus Driver


 I try to live a life that is kind of anchored in the present. The idea of Zen Buddhism and being present is an idea that I like and one that I have had great success with. I don't dwell too much on the past and I don't worry too much about what may happen in the future. But the reality is that right now in the present there is a huge empty spot and it is always going to stay empty. I don't think it will ever get filled and I don't think it should. I think it should be a raw and open ache and it should color my daily existence in one form or the other.

Bill Monroe - Along About Daybreak

I don't say that as a bad thing necessarily but to acknowledge that it is my reality right now.

For whatever that is worth.