Where Do My Readers Come From?

Wednesday, June 26, 2013

Feelings....

kind of suck and yet I know that if I did not have the feelings that I do and live like I do with my heart on the outside of my body I would not like who I am. I like who I am for the most part. I like that I am compassionate and that I care about others and that for the most part people like me. But there are times when the emotions are overwhelming the careful controls and locks that I have put in place and those are the times where I think it sure would be nice to have a break now and then from being Mr. Emotional.


Lonely Days - The Bee Gees

But I also know at my core that I would not be happy if I did not have access to my emotions. I think that my level of empathy is high because of my emotions and that allows me to connect with people on a deeper level then I would be able to otherwise and I am glad for that connectedness with my friends. I crave and treasure the deeper more intimate relationships that I have with those people that I can be emotionally transparent with and I think that it is a two way street. At least I hope it is.


White Moon - The White Stripes

If it isn't I suppose I owe some people some apologies for their putting up with me over the years. But I really don't think that is something that I have to worry about.


Defy You - The Offspring

I miss you Eric. You were a good friend to me and were very much like another brother to me. The void that you have left is far deeper and far harder to fill then I thought it would be. I get moments of forgetfulness and things seem okay but the memories always come back. They come back when a friend asks me about "Fight Club" or when I go to eat breakfast at Josey's  restaurant in Salem that was a favorite of Eric and myself.



We used to communicate a lot over Instagram and one of the last things that he said to me when I posted I was at Josey's and said that I wished he was with me. He said "Totally! Love that place!"  I went their for breakfast this week and while the food was good it just wasn't the same at all.



Boxing - Ben Folds

I wonder if I ever will get used to things not being the same at all? Will that be my new normal? Is that even a functional thing? To walk around pretending to be normal but knowing that inside nothing is normal and never will be? How do I, how do most of us function with that? Late night thoughts of the mournful insomniac. Thank you for bearing with me.


Both Sides Now - Judy Collins


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