Where Do My Readers Come From?

Thursday, June 06, 2013


So I am doing my usual Thursday morning thing. That is to sit at the coffee shop at the table I usually sit at and drink my coffee and apply for jobs and visit with my friends who come in. Now that is all pretty normal and typical and everything. But I al feeling rather agitated and I am not totally sure where it is coming from.

Run Run Run - The Who

I am in the middle of reading an article on ESPN.com called When The Beautiful Game Turns Ugly  and I think that is part of my agitation. The article is about racism in Serie A which is the top level of professional soccer in Italy. The level of racism that the author is describing is mind blowing to me. I just don't understand it and frankly I am not sure that I really want too. It is truly beyond me and I am finding it so maddening and angering that I had to put down the article to write to you to allow me some time to vent these things out of me. I realized that I was starting to get a little bit out of control angry about the article when I saw a white guy with a dog walk by. He was minding his own business but my first thought was that I want to go punch that guy right in his stupid grinning face.

5:15 - The Who

I did not do that and I rarely if ever any more feel like that. My days of street fighting are past and I do not miss them and I am glad I am beyond that. So  it really comes as a bit of a surprise to me that an article condemning a behavior that I find abhorrent would get me so worked up that I want to randomly assault a passer-by. I know that it is probably part of the residual stress that I am dealing with in still processing Erics death as well as my job hunt and just the natural stresses of life in the last month or so. But it certainly doesn't excuse me feeling like that. I am pretty self aware but I even confuse myself sometimes.

1921 - The Who

I wish I had some spark of wisdom that would wash away all of my angst but this does not seem likely at all and in some ways me feeling agitated and angry is a better feeling then me me feeling sad and hopeless. So I have that going for me. Which is nice I guess. I am not trying to be flip about what is a very real thing for me. But also being a little flip allows me to cope a little bit with these emotional swings that seem to happen on an every other day basis or every few days. The only real outlet does seem to be the listening to of the music and the writing of the blog. So I suppose it could be far worse and I could be acting out in other ways. I am sure that when I was younger I probably would have been. But the honestly nice thing is that as I write I can feel the tension leave and that makes a huge difference.

Don't Let Go The Coat - The Who

I guess I will just hold on to the hope that things will change. That seems to be all I can do. 
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