Today was not a good day. There were parts of it that were but overall it just wasn't. When I was sitting in the silence and the solitude it was fine. But when I decided to leave and go out of the house things kind of went haywire. It was a beautiful day out. The sky is nice and blue and there are puffy clouds everywhere and the temperature is not to high. It is just a nice, nice day. But there are no more nice days for Eric and in reality I wonder how many nice days there are for me. Oh sure I am very capable of putting on the smiling face and totally faking it and my body and mind sometimes even believe me.
Landed - Ben Folds
But in the end when I stop distracting myself it all comes crashing in on me. But everything really seems to taste of ash and there is no real joy in anything for me. There are momentary glimpses of joy that soon fade as reality and the truth of the situation come rushing back in to fill the blissful void. It feels like I have some kind of inertia built up that is just keeping me moving and doing routine things even when I am not sleeping at night. I had thought that I had handled the lack of sleep and things were getting better but in the last four days or so that has not been the case at all. In fact it feels like it has gotten worse in some ways.
All You Can Eat - Ben Folds
The honestly frustrating thing for me is that I can feel myself feeling better as I listen to music and write down my thoughts. But it isn't like I can sit and do this all day every day. Well I suppose I could but I am not sure how to turn this into a paying gig. Would someone like to be my patron? I wonder if I could do a kickstarter to fund myself writing for a few years. I suppose I could look into it and try to find out if I could. I think people make a living doing worse things that is for sure.
Philosophy - Ben Folds
I think part of what upsets me so much is the inability to say good bye to Eric. I was not able to sit down with him and have that final long extended conversation about life and Zen and Philosophy and what makes the world tick. That pains me. That is a void that I will never be able to fill in anyway and it makes me want to scream because of it. It all just kind of narrows down to that point. Oh I know all the words and all the things people say but even knowing that it wasn't my fault and that it wasn't up to me to save him. It still feels like I failed to save him. That all of the mystical mumbo jumbo that I use to allow myself to function and to get through life was not enough for him despite all of our conversations and it it eats me up inside everyday.
Rock Star - Ben Folds
..and while I know all of this on an intellectual level, it is not enough for me on an emotional level and those thoughts and words just continually swirl around and around in my head unless I can keep up the constant motion and the constant attempts at distraction and I don't know when it will ever stop. and, and, and, forever and ever amen.