Monday Musings

Today was the first day of my third week of work and it went well. It is nice to be back working and to be on a schedule and I find agreeable. But if I had one concern it is that I am having a hard time figuring out how I can do my writing. I am hoping that Monday afternoon and evenings are going to be a time that I can devote to writing and listening to music and continuing to explore my journey through life on both a physical and emotional level. Now, I realize that this may or may not be interesting to some of you. But, I also realize that as far as I am concerned I need to have the freedom of writing to express myself and that by writing I am able to keep myself sane. Writing allows me to get the voices out of my head and allows me to say things that I am not always able to say and for that I am profoundly grateful. I do not know how people live who are unable to have an outlet like I have.

Pretty Girl from Feltre - The Avett Brothers

Today is March 24th and I am basically dreading the coming of April, I am dreading it because in the middle of April it will be a year since Eric's death. And while I have made some pretty significant strides in dealing with this I am in now way ready to deal with this anniversary and I really honestly do not know how I am going to be able to process it. The very thought of it as I write is bringing tears to my eyes and I do not even feel all that emotional at the present time. But I am can feel them swirling around behind the small blockade that I have thrown up as a weak defense against being overwhelmed by them.

Warning - Black Sabbath

I have noted before that I do not fear my feelings and I have learned to embrace them and to ride them and in some ways bathe in them. That may not be the best way to word it but I am not sure honestly how to word it. I know that it is unhealthy for me to close myself off and to pretend that the pain isn't there and that if I fight against it the pain often lasts longer then it would have if I had just faced it head on and let it overwhelm me for a time. I think that is the strange nature of grief and loss. It can come upon us without warning and then leave again without a trace for a time. But that is just an illusion because there is always a trace. It is in the world around me. It is in the music that I listen too or the books that I read or the television shows that I watch. Or even how I carry myself and respond to certain situations. I am unable to look at my bookcase without seeing a book or two or three or more that Eric either inspired me to read or gave me directly to read. I love those books and I have not regretted ever reading them. Nor have I or will I ever regret reading them.

Only in Your Heart - America

There are films that I have avoided watching since his death. It isn't that I dislike there films. But I am not sure that I am ready to face the feelings that these films are going to bring about in me. They are not good or bad but they are sure to be intense and overwhelming and I am not sure how ready I am for such a thing. I want to say 'What the hell, just face it head on." But I can't. I want too. I want to sit down and watch 'The Royal Tenenbaums' and 'Almost Famous' and 'Fight Club' and other films that remind me of him. But I just can't. I want to so badly and I the idea of it just locks me up and makes my chest tighten with pain.

No one Knows - Queens of the Stone Age

On Saturday night I had my, what I call, my philosophy group. It is more like a fellowship group of some partially like minded thinkers and we discuss all kinds of things. I normally leave the group energized and fed and group was good that night. We did a question can thing that I always enjoy doing. But once it was over I wandered into the coffeehouse and had myself a drink and also ran into two of my good friends. These are two people that always make me feel welcome and also are really good for conversation. So I am always happy to see them. One of them asked how I was doing and I thought about it for a bit and realized that I was feeling rather aimless and basically at a loss. It was a beautiful evening Saturday. The air was still and warm but not too warm and everything was very nice. But I was not feeling nice. I wandered out to my van after saying goodbye and I was really at a loss.

Every Dog Has Its Day - Flogging Molly

I finally decided that the only smart thing too do was to go home. It wasn't like I was going to hurt myself. At least I do not think so. But the air felt almost swollen with anticipation and I do not know what I was expecting but it really felt to me like there something waiting to drop and when it dropped it would overwhelm me and I wasn't sure if that was going to be good or bad. To me the air felt like it does just before a thunder storm is about to hit. I drove home in near tears and by the time I made it into my inner sanctum the tears had begun to flow but I did not know what was driving them. They were just flowing. I tried to do some writing but was unable to achieve anything close to getting out what I was feeling. So I watched some very stupid television. It was Tosh.0 and anyone who is familiar with it knows how stupid it can be. It may not have been the healthiest choice but it allowed me to move beyond the gloom that was hanging over me.

Salty Dog - Flogging Molly

So that being said. I am not sure what was going on. I just do not know. But Sunday was a better day and so was today and now I am writing and that is a good thing. The act of writing just makes me feel better. It helps me to feel like something is coming out even if it is something that doesn't totally make sense to other people. But it works for me and for the moment there is some calm in the storm that swirls inside of me. I will never forget Eric. He will always be with me and I will always love him and I will continue to get tattoos upon my body that remind me of him. That is how I choose to remember him and to honor his life and his memory. He left permanent marks on my life and leaving permanent marks on my skin is how I can remember and honor that.

The Worst Day Since Yesterday - Flogging Molly


 I know that April will be hard for me and I apologize ahead of time if I seem distant and kind of out to lunch. I apologize if my writings are overly emotional and weepy. I am an emotional guy and this is my canvas for processing theses things. Thank you for reading my thoughts and for caring about me. I love all of you and I hope to continue to share my love with you in the months ahead.  So remember, be kind because the journey for all of us is a hard one and please keep on dancing.

Friday, Friday, Friday!!!

Happy Valentine's Day everybody. But in Oregon today is also the day that we became a state Feb 14th, 1859. All bow in honor of the birth of our glorious state. Our state flower is the Oregon Grape. Our state bird is the Western Meadowlark and our state motto is "Alis Volat propiis"  which in English means "She Flies With Her Own Wings". I think that is pretty right on for my beloved state.

Now that all of the formalities are out of the way lets get back to talking about me and what I like okay.

Child of Nature - The Beatles

You will get very few Beatles songs from me and this is an unreleased demo that was written by Lennon. It is fine I suppose but I am just not a big Beatles fan. I am sorry but they just do not work for me. If I need anything I need an emotional connection and this band eludes me. 

I Remember California - REM

It seems that my music player remembers California rather then Oregon. Oh well, I think Oregon is better. That said I really do like this song. REM rarely disappoints me.   

I think Valentine's is a funny day. I am never really sure how I am supposed to feel. Am I supposed to feel sad if I am not in the midst of a relationship? Because I am not feeling sad. I am feeling pretty good about that stuff right now and I suspect that were I dating I would be feeling much the same. The truth is that I am in the midst of lots of relationships with several very beautiful woman and I love them all. They may not be aware that I love them though. :)

Stayin' Alive - Bee Gees

This is a little more disco than I like my Bee Gees to be but this is a great song and such a catchy tune. So easy to bob your head and tap your feet to. Try it you like doing a little dancing in your office space. 

I mean, don't get me wrong. I like candy and hearts and that kind of stuff and I am as prone to the emotional outburst as the next guy if not more so and this is a day that is geared for such a thing. But I am just as likely to do something extravagant and emotional and dramatic on any other day of the year as well. That is just who I am. I am wired that way. But I am also not trying to make light of the fact that for some singletons, for want of a better word, this is a hard day. It just has not particularly been for me. It has never been that big of an issue for me if I am single or not. I just love people all the time. I can't help it. That is what I am about free love and hugs for all. YAAAAAAY!!

Chasing The Rainbow -  America

I can't say I am thrilled by what the ol random machine is giving me today. It is just not feeling like a day for America. It isn't that I dislike their music I just have to be in the right mood for it and today does not feel like that kind of day. 

Let us see, is there anything else going on that I can get myself worked up about?

Frank's Wild Years - Tom Waits

Nothing says Valentine's like a little Tom Waits. Now we are talking. Well done Tom, you beautiful, beautiful, freak. 

It looks like that is going to be it for me today. Be nice to each other. We are all taking the same journey and it is hard for all of us. Remember these words and live by them "FREE LOVE AND HUGS FOR ALL"

Keep on dancing folks. 

Monday, Monday

Well, that was some weekend. I think when I mentioned some snow on Thursday I had no expectations of such a large amount of snow in such a short period of time. It was nice to see the weather service pretty much hit the nail right on the head as far as their forecasts went. I think people might have been happier if they had been wrong about this one. But I think that a lot of people probably were able to use the forced downtime for some much needed family time and rest. At least I want to hope that is what happened.

Masters of War - Amon Amarth

I like this band. That is today I like the musical and not the vocal styling of this band. I hate the heavy metal muppet voice. So bad. As far as I am concerned to sing like Grover is not musical and it detracts from the straight majestic power of the metal. 

Today the music is on random as usual but it is only going to be from artists that reside in the A category of the alphabet. So we shall see what this experiment brings us. I had a pretty quite weekend since I was stuck indoors the whole time. I am not complaining, mind you, the power stayed on and we have internet and cable television. So things could have been far far worse for me. So overall it was a very nice and quiet and drama free weekend.

Alice - Avril Lavigne

This is from the Tim Burton film 'Almost Alice'. I have never seen it or really heard the song before. It is a pretty typical example of the kind of music that she is putting out right now. Actually the kind of music that is the most mainstream right now. I am just waiting to hear a rap track from hot supposedly urban rapper. 

I watched several interesting films this weekend. Thanks to Amazon Prime and other internet services. I think the film that stood out the most for me was the 1999 film 'Mansfield Park'. It is based on the Jane Austen novel of the same name written in 1814. It was pretty typical of the Austen book world, a young woman and her issues with family and class and relationships. But what I found more interesting was the way that the film touched on issues of slavery and infidelity. The book of course touches much deeper on these but at the same time the film did a good job in it's short amount of time addressing these issues and how they affect Fanny and the rest of the family at the core of the story.

I Need You - America

Classic 70's rock and very nice to listen too. So put your feet up and relax. 

I also watched the Mike Meyers film from 1993 'So I Married an Axe Murderer' and it was just as I remembered. There are moment of laugh out loud humor. Things that are genuinely funny in there lunacy. But as a constructed whole it is not a very good movie at all. Now there is a certain generation of a certain age that are going to be able to quote lines from this film and most nearly everyone from this generation are going to recognize and enjoy those lines. But that is all that they are really going to remember from this film. If they are at all like me and I suspect that they are, their mind has blanked out all of the bad acting and the clunky dialogue and jokes. I loved Mike Meyers in 'Waynes World' but I just do not buy him in this as the romantic center piece. I know that he can act or used to be able to act. But in this film he doesn't do it very well and if you have seen the Austin Powers films then you can see him beginning to perfect his shtick. I give it barely 2 stars out of 4. It isn't a bad film to have on as background noise. But that is all.

Stand Back - The Allman Brother Band

I like this band a lot and this is a great song that showcases both the keyboard and the guitar work. Solid stuff. I always enjoy the jamminess of their sound. Never disappoints me at least their early stuff. 

I also started watch 'The Americans' and let me tell you. I really am enjoying it. Here is a description from Wikipedia

"Set during the Cold War period in the 1980s, The Americans is the story of Elizabeth (Keri Russell) and Philip Jennings (Matthew Rhys), two Soviet KGB officers posing as an American married couple in the suburbs of Washington, D.C. with their unsuspecting children (Holly Taylor and Keidrich Sellati), and their neighbor, Stan Beeman (Noah Emmerich), an FBI Counter-Intelligence agent. The series focuses on the personal and professional lives of the Jennings', sometimes incorporating real-life events into the narrative. The show's creator has described the series as being ultimately about a marriage."

I had stayed away from watching it. I am not sure why. I think one reason was because I grew up in that era and I was not ready to relive a bunch of Cold War propaganda. But that being said. I was wrong and the show is more then that. It does help that the show was produced by a former CIA officer and the spy craft stuff is very interesting and fun to watch. I am not sure how it feels to someone who didn't live during that era but I really do enjoy it. I was surprised though at the amount of nudity in a FX series not called "Sons of Anarchy". But if you have some time and Amazon Prime do yourselves a favor and check this out. I think that you will enjoy it. I haven't finished the season but I have enjoyed it so far.

All My Life - America

If I had one complaint about this band. It is that some of their songs can be this kind of syrupy love song. Too much treacle as far as I am concerned and a little hard for me to swallow at times. But they still sound nice. This is a classic wedding video song. Or anniversary song. Maybe I am just cynical about the state of marriage and relationship in the modern era. But that is perhaps a topic best lest for another day. 

That is it folks. I hope to make an appearance at the coffeehouse today. It will be good to get out of the house. That is for sure. Have a good day and stay safe out there. You guys know the drill but I am going to say it again. Hug each other and love each other and remember our humanity and keep on dancing.

Manic Music Monday

I am up bright and early so lets get the music started, shall we.

Alone - Bee Gees

As I have grown older I have begun to enjoy this band more. I am not sure what says about me. But I know that I  just plain enjoy music and most of the time despite all of the disco baggage that comes with ' Saturday Night Fever' I do enjoy the music that the Bee Gees put out. That and I enjoy the skit on SNL.

Selfless, Cold, and Composed - Ben Folds University Acappella Version

I am not a huge acappella fan but the album that Ben Folds put together has some just really enjoyable and very listenable versions of his songs on it. In this format I really do enjoy them. I know this kind of music is not for everyone and in most cases it isn't for me. But in this case I highly urge you to track this album down. 'Ben Folds - University Acappella'

There is something that I like about sitting in the dark of my room with my headphones on and writing. I just like the silence and the darkness. I like the feeling that I am all alone in the world and the page in front of me is totally free and empty. A wide open face that I can fill up with whatever words I choose to use. It is a feeling of total and complete freedom and one of the few true pleasures in my life. I think for me, that is the only real benefit to getting up very early in the morning because the feeling is not the same if I just stay up all night.

Seymour Stein - Belle and Sebastian

More Belle and Sebastian and I am sorry if you are bored of them. I am not and I have a lot of them on the music player and they really do bring some peace to me when I listen to them. It is music that rewards you if you actually listen to the lyrics as well as feeling the music and that is a good thing. It is well worth engaging.

Winter Winds - Mumford and Sons (Piano Tribute)

I love this version on the piano It is just beautiful and so nice to listen to. I enjoy their music anyway but their music in piano form is very nice to listen to as far as I am concerned. It is made for extended listening and closing your eyes and just letting it flow over you. Again and this time without the lyrics but it is music that rewards you if you engage with it and let it fill you. It is okay to feel and it is okay to have emotions when you are listening to music.

There are times when I complain about how emotional I can get about things. But, honestly I wouldn't have it any other way. It is who I am and I think it really does connect me to things and to people. I feel like really at my core all I want to do is to love others and to care for them. Our humanity is what makes us stronger and our compassion is what separates us from the beasts. I know that humans can for sure be beast like, there is no doubt about that. But really it is all about loving each other for me. It is about caring for each other and remembering that we are all just trying to survive in this world and that we are all human. And it would serve us all to remember that.

Royal Jelly - John C. Reilly

This is John C. Reilly as Dewey Cox from the film 'Walk Hard' doing his best Bob Dylan impression. I really do enjoy this movie and I enjoy the spoof songs on it as well. It is worth a watch.

I Need You - America

Not much to say, just sit back and enjoy this. That is all

Hey folks. Have a great day. I know that this can be a stressful time for some or all of us. But hang in there, love each other, take some deep breathes and care for each other. Be well and be compassionate.

I am pretty sure that this is going to be me on New Years Eve and probably several other times during this week. If anyone needs me, I'll be at the Coffeehouse.

Tuesday Tunes

I was awakened bright and early this morning by I know not what. But, I was at least able to put that time to good use and get a couple of jobs applied for and so I feel pretty good about getting the day off to a productive start.

Mosquito Song - Queens of he Stone Age

I am a big fan of this band but if this was the first song of theirs that you had ever heard you would be in for a real shock once you heard the rest of their discography. I love this song though. So beautiful. Who knew that they had it in them.

Who Knows Where The Time Goes - Judy Collins

Well, well, well it looks and sounds like the music player wants to start things off on a somber note this morning. This is another great song. But it is really a downer I think. I do not have a problem with that, I like this type of music and I hope you do as well. I think that Judy Collins has a very nice voice.

Somebody To Love - Queen

I can't say much about this song, other then that Queen is awesome and you really should put some headphones on and turn it up to 11. They deserve it. This whole album 'A Day At The Races' is amazing and Freddies voice is awesome on it.

Chasing Pavements - Adele

This is another nice song. I don't think that it compares well to Queen and if I was building a playlist I would not include them near each other. But I would for sure put her on a playlist with Judy Collins depending on what theme I was going for.

Do you guys remember making mix tapes for people? I suppose I am dating myself by even mentioning the idea of a cassette tape. But honestly one of the things that I used to love to do was to make a good tape. It was usually for some girl that I felt emotionally invested in. The last tape that I made was for my ex-wife and I am not sure that she ever even listened to it. But to be fair she had a pretty bad tape player in her car. So no hard feelings. Now I pretty much make playlists on blank CD's so I can listen to them as I cruise in my van. I love the idea of having my own soundtrack as I cruise around.

Dressed In Black - Depeche Mode

This is such a great song and really should have had more radio play. I love Depeche Mode. One of my favorite bands and one of the best bands that I have ever seen live.

Old Man Took - America

Another great song by an underrated band. At least as far as I am concerned. This one has some seriously nice piano. Just very nice to listen to. Good stuff.

That is all for this Tuesday folks. Keep on dancing,

Tuesday Tunes Day

California Dreaming - America

This is kind of a nice song anyway and I like the way that America covers it. It makes for some pleasant listening that is for sure. Some might call it easy listening.

I am hoping to continue the momentum from yesterday and keep on bringing you folks the fun good times music and who knows, perhaps once in a while in between songs I might come up with something good or at least slightly interesting to say. You never know!

Little Lion Man - Mumford and Sons

It is kind of amazing to me how much anger this band can generate. I enjoy their sound and yes they did get overplayed on radio and television but that is not the bands fault. I have never understood that. It just blows my mind how fast a groups popularity can turn on itself but I suppose that is the nature of passion and one of the failings of us as human beings. That being said. I still enjoy them and enjoy listening to their music and I hope that they return with a third album but I do not think it is going to be happening.

Believe - Elton John

I can always listen to some Elton John. I think that sometimes his public persona got more notice then his musical ability did but I really enjoy listening to his music. I suppose that it is pretty much old persons music at this point but I am okay with that. If it is listenable and interesting lyrically and musically I do not care from what time period or whence it came. I just want to listen to it. Music soothes the soul and more of us could stand to remember that.

Genocide Matinee - Fionn Regan

This is an artist that I, admittedly, know very little about. I own the music because of my love of the British series 'This is England'. A series that I would highly recommend to anyone who loves good cinema or television or who has an interest in both Thatcher era and post Thatcher era England; it is well worth watching. The first one is a movie and was followed by two more BBC television series that each took place two more years after the first film. They are worth watching. I am sure that this is something that I will be saying and have said over and over.

This is England - Bonus trailer for the film. I hope you enjoy it.

Something About You - Five For Fighting

I think that this is the only band named after a hockey term. They are kind of nice to listen to now and then when I am in a pretty mellow mood. I suppose one could say that they tend to be romantic in the songs that they write and perform. I feel like their is a time and place for that depending on the mood one is in.

Nellie Takes Her Bow - Electric Light Orchestra

This is a great band and  while it may be a tad to disco for some I do not think that is the case. Jeff Lynn is a genius and put out some amazing music over the years. If you have not listened to them much then you should do yourself a favor and track them down. ELO is well worth the listen.

Well that is going to do it for today folks. I hope your Tuesday treats you well and that I can talk to you again tomorrow. Now if you will excuse me I have to young minds to corrupt.

"Who wants to take communion with, Father Soulman?"

A Civil Discourse

I listened to the Presidents speech last night about health care reform. It was interesting to me in several ways. I do not think anyone would argue that something needs to change in terms of health care in America. It seems like the argument starts when you begin to discuss how to pay for it and who it covers. In fact during the Presidents speech what caused the most stir was when he said that his plan would not cover illegal immigrants.

That surprised me. Not because people disagreed though the vocal nature of the disagreement did. I thought South Carolina Rep Joe Wilson was out of line when he yelled out "You Lie". I understand being upset and disagreeing but his response did not seem appropriate for the location of the speech. Had it been a formal debate I would have expected it more. I would have expected more of a response when the President said that the people who had talked about the existence of death panels were liars.

The response or lack of response by the Republicans surprised me. I really thougt they would jump on him for calling people liars to there face. I wonder if Sara Palin was still Governor of Alaska if there would have been any response because there just wasn't. Also and I have not seen it attacked much so far today but I am sure that it will happen as the day goes on. I was surprised when President Obama said that his plan would not add one dime to the deficit. I mean come on. Not one dime! That is really not even a plausible position.

Lets at least be logical about the cost of this purposed plan. As far as I am concerned the cost does not bother me. I think we are wasting a large amount of money within the defense industry and if we juggle some of it around then the health plan could happen with out it bankrupting America. But to say that it will not add a dime to the deficit is just plain bad math. I hope the numbers shake out better as more discussion happens on the issue but I will be surprised if this plan doesn't end up costing us qute a large amount of money.

I would love to have a discussion about this issue. the pros and the cons, the nuts and bolts of why and why not it would be a good idea. But, what I am not interested in is having an argument about it. So please if you read this silly little blog of mine. It doesn't matter to me if you are pro or con on the issue but lets talk about it. Lets see where we differ and why we differ. Lets see how big the differences are and if we can reach some common ground on it. But, lets discuss it. I do not want to shout and sto stomp my feet. I want to have a conversation. I am willing to be wrong. So please share with me your thougts on the issue of Health Care reform in America.

The Future of Federalism?

So the question for my class this week is what do I think the future of Federalism looks like for America? I think that is an interesting question given that over the last decade the world has seen several federal republics fall apart. One reason for this is when you look at William Riker and his conditions for a federal republic to form. These are the military condition and the expansion condition and these must work together to shape the formation of the state. I would argue that the need for protection from a larger state has faded that colonialism is not an issue in the world so the military condition is not as important as it used to be. Which is a major reason why Yugoslavia has fallen apart. Now that the Soviet Union is no more Yugoslavia was able to revert back to its natural order and become smaller countries based on their separate religious and ethnic origins. I would love to hear anyone else's thoughts on the subject.