Free Bird...

Today is 8-31-13 and it was April 13th that I heard the news that Eric was gone. April, May, June, July, August it has been 5 months almost 6 now and I really don't know if things are any better.

I know I have said this before at least I think that I have. It isn't that I want to be depressed  and replay this thing over and over. Because I don't and there are moments when everything seems fine and honestly I have tricked myself into feeling fine and then I am driving my van home or as Eric always referred to it on Instagram "The Van" and I start thinking "what and why and how" and "WHY DON'T I JUST DRIVE MY VAN RIGHT OFF THE FUCKING ROAD BECAUSE WOULDN'T THAT BE A WHOLE LOT FUCKING SIMPLER THEM HAVING TO ALWAYS PROCESS THIS SHIT OVER AND OVER AGAIN." 

Now let me be clear before anybody freaks out. I am not going to be driving The Van off of the road. But if I do not acknowledge that these thoughts surface within me from time to time I find that I am far worse off. I can't pretend that I am not feeling these things and that everything is hunky dory and that I am feeling just fine. Because I am not and there really is no point in me lying about it. If my honestly bothers you then so be it and you have a couple of choices, One is to nod and smile and thank me for my authenticity the other is well stated best in this gif

Because while it may make you uncomfortable this is the truth and the reality of someone left behind and  I am positive that I am not the only one feeling this way. So either get your shit together and do everything you can to help that person not feel totally and completely  alone or jog the fuck on. Don't half ass it. There is no halfway with this. It is that important and those left behind need you. If you are unable to deal with the intensity of that then you really are not a friend even if you thought you were. What you thought was friendship all this time was not. It was some comfortable thing with no intimacy and no accountability and no truth. You were an acquaintance and when shit got real you couldn't handle it. Well too bad for you. But no one likes or wants to be left behind. No one wants to be the survivor that has to pick up the pieces of day to day life and trudge on like nothing has happened. Like your entire world wasn't blown totally up. You not being able to handle that is not the fault of the survivor. It is your fault for not being a good person. And fuck you if this upsets you. It should upset you. You are a bad person and should be ashamed of yourself.

I have to believe that healing will come. Otherwise, what is the point. But there are times when it seems so, so hard and I begin to wonder when, when will it come? I suppose that I should seek therapy or counseling, I have been told that I should go to group therapy and I always feel like yes I should. But when it comes down to actually making that call I think, "Ahh I am okay, I can squeeze these feelings off and write about them when they get to strong to handle."  I do not know why I am so resistant to this. I honestly don't. The idea of me being resistant to it makes no sense to me. I do not fear seeing a therapist and I do not fear being psycho-analyzed yet I can't seem to take that next step and I do not know why.

Thanks for listening folks I am going to go make myself a drink.

Friday....

The Who - The Real Me

I know that I have posted this song before. I know that because it is from one of my all time favorite bands on my all time favorite album of theirs. I believe that the album "Quadrophenia" is the best rock opera of all time and I would also say that it is one of the best just plain albums of all time. But as I was listening to it today I also realized that this song does say an awful lot about me and who I am. This question..."Can you see the real me?" I think is a very real one and one that we all struggle with from time to time. The search to find the answer can lead us to some pretty dark places but also to some pretty good places as well.

Black Sabbath - Psycho Man

I have begun to realize that in the last month as I have been trying to process my feelings and experiences in dealing with the death and the loss of my friend and brother Eric that I have probably been far more honest about my feelings and emotions then I ever have before. At least to such a potentially wide audience. I realize that this also may or may not have made some of you uncomfortable as well. I am sorry about that. But that being said, I do not strive to make people uncomfortable, but I do strive for honesty and I do strive to stretch others in a good way that I hope. I also hope that my writing can be a help to others in some form or another. I know that for me, I believe, that it is helping me to do what I do and to process my feelings in such a public manner.

The Black Keys - Thickfreakness

This is my reality. This is my experience dealing with the pain of this, warts and all. This isn't even so much about me but it is about me experiencing this and me trying to experience this in the most honest way possible. I realize that I can't ask him but I honestly feel that this is what Eric would want me do. He would want me to live this without faking and without pretending that I have it all together and that everything is fine. Because honestly everything is not fine and to fake it would be doing a disservice to Eric's memory as far as I am concerned.

Toto - Straight From The Heart

Don't get me wrong. I am not telling anyone else how they need to be dealing with this. I am talking strictly in terms of myself and how I feel I need to process this in a healthy way. Because and for me this is the key that I need to keep reminding myself of. I must ensure that Eric's death is not not my death. On that point I have to be clear and hold myself to it. Because when I am at my lowest and I look at my life it is easy for me to spiral into this idea that why am I still here, because I have less going for me then Eric had going for him. I am not saying this to beg for sympathy and on the contrary I am probably the furthest away from suicide then I have ever been. But that thought is a real thought that dips in and out of my mind. That I have experienced that is the truth and to hide from that or to pretend that I have never had those thoughts would be totally wrong.

Fun - Some Nights

I do not know what the future holds for me. None of us do. Oh sure we want to think that we have a handle on it and we have it all figured out. But lets be honest. How many of us really do? We might think we do. We might have some vague idea of what tomorrow may bring. But that is just what it is a vague idea. Life is chaos and there is some real joy and beauty in that chaos. I say embrace the chaos. I say embrace the unknowing. I say embrace that experience and wrap it around you. I say live in the eye of the storm and thrive on it. 

Black Sabbath - After Forever

Wow...um I am not sure what just happened but there it is and I make it a practice to not edit my thoughts. So let me put my soap box away and bid you all a good weekend.