Welcome my friend. I see you have decided once again to join me. I am glad you are here. Despite your obvious physical inadequacies, for you see it is foggy today and within the fog lies all manner of beastie. I know you think me crazy when I tell you this but it is true. There are the remains of unwary passengers up and down this rail line to give truth to my tale.
For you see with the fog comes a lowering of visibility and the engineer must then slow the speed of the train to compensate for that. It is all very simple and one that most true gentlemen would have learned in school so I apologize if the logic of this escapes you. Now where was I? Oh yes, with the train moving slower this allow all manner of ruffian both human and animal to make an attempt at what they see as a rolling buffet. A rolling buffet that will allow them to satiate themselves upon the blood of the weak and the innocent! That is where you and I come in my friend. For as we both know I am neither weak nor innocent! Ho, Ho, you blush and I hesitate to tell you more but just know this that were I to tell the tales the ribaldry within would cause yon maidens ears to redden and her breath to quicken but that is a story best told at another time.
Back to the matters at hand. We must needs look most alert as the train goes into a corner. This is where matters are likely to come to a head. I will charge you with standing watch of the elderly and the feminine whilst I repel any and all attempted boarders. Oh! I know you believe yourself capable but I do not need you gumming up the works believe me. I am an old hand at such events and am looking forward to the attempt. You would be best suited amongst the petticoats and the lace as when the screaming starts the lower pitch of your voice will make it easier for me to hear you and assist.
Do not be ashamed by your screaming. Many men greater then you have been left screaming when faced with the ruffians that assault this train. Many men greater then you have been left bleeding on the floor as their ability to protect themselves was lost when the violence began. So fear not. I shall be at your side and protect your virtue. The train will not stop so we must just keep the hosts at bay and we shall be through and safe in no time. Wait!! Did you hear that? To your post man, for it has begun...........................................