Nighttime Thoughts

Sometimes at night, the darkness falls and there doesn't seem to be much that I can do about it.

Solitary Man - Johnny Cash W/ Neil Diamond

It isn't like I want to be depressed or sad and actually today was a good day. I had some coffee and saw some good friends at the coffeehouse and had some good conversation. I was able to purchase some Christmas presents for my family. I have a roof over my head I was able to put food in my over stuffed belly. I have clean clothes and people who love me. Yet that doesn't feel like enough right now.

Dressed in Black - Depeche Mode

In some ways I actually hate that I am self aware enough to be aware of how irrational this is. It would be a lot easier on my end, at least I think it would be, if I just could embrace the darkness instead of constantly existing in this overly self aware realm. It really gets tiring to second guess everything and every emotion that you feel.

The Beast In Me - Johnny Cash

It has been a while since I have felt this way. I think maybe I just worry about other people to much. I do a pretty good job with my meditation and my deep breathing. I have been starting the day with some yoga and Hindu Squats and that has been good. It gets me in a good frame of mind. So I really do not know where this cloud of gloom came from.

Swing Low, Sweet Chariot - Johnny Cash

It is easy to keep myself centered and in the present when I am only concerned with myself. I feel like the flaw in the strange half -assed Buddhism that I am perusing is that while I am fine and often feel very good when I am meditating and concentrating on centering myself and living in the moment. It feels like the instant I began to care to for other people and to empathize with them and respect and understand their humanity that I get yanked right out of my calmness.

Bridge Over Troubled Water - Johnny Cash

I don't want to lose that. My compassion and how I relate to people is I believe on of my greatest strengths. I know I like myself better when I am able to be there and be a calm post in peoples lives. I think people like me better as well. I also know for a fact that I feel better about myself because I at least feel like I am giving something back to the world while I am not working on a regular basis. I suppose it is true that long term unemployment can mess with your head.

Personal Jesus - Johnny Cash

I always feel better when I listen to Johnny and write things down. I guess for me it is an exercise in just being able to process what is going on in my head. Maybe that is what this is. It has been a while I have had a mental check in with myself to see how I am doing and since I do not go to a counselor or therapist this is the next best thing.

Thanks folks. I look forward to playing some more music for you guys tomorrow. 

What does detachment mean?

I am not a Buddhist, I have never claimed to be one. What I am is more of a seeker with interest in all kinds of things both philosophical and political. Sometimes these things cross over each other and other times they do not. I was raised in a Protestant Christian home and while my beliefs still tend to be in that direction I am sure that a good portion of what I do and think is not typical of what I think of as the usual Protestant. I also am well aware that my thoughts on religious and political issues are just as biased as other people and  while I like to think that I can be logical and practical about things I am sure that I have emotional blind spots like everyone else does. That is just called being human. I just want to make that clear. I do not have all the answers and I am not claiming too.

Oh! You Pretty Things - David Bowie

I would say that my basic belief system has undergone a wholesale seachange in the last five years or so, probably closer to the last three years. This started for me post my divorce. The upheaval from that led to me seriously looking for some level of peace and calm in my life. Some safe harbor from the storm of emotion that was spinning all around me. I was not getting this from my Protestant Christian life. I am not attacking that. I am just acknowledging that it was not helping me. I would also venture to say that my problems were probably more with the structure of church as an institution then it was with the idea of a personal level of faith.

Perfect Day - Lou Reed

So in that regard I do not think my faith has changed but I think that my idea of "worship" or "Church" has changed and I am finding the majority of peace and calm in the daily deep breathing and meditation that I do. But while I have enjoyed those things and I feel that they have been very beneficial in helping me achieve daily peace of mind. I read something today that I am having a hard time processing in terms of how I look to live my life and how I want to be thought of and how I want other people to think of me. The thought is below.

"There is nothing lacking in you, and you yourself are no different from the Buddha.  There is no way of achieving Buddhahood other then letting your mind be free to itself. You should not contemplate nor should you purify your mind. Let there be no craving and hatred, and have no anxiety or fear. Be boundless and absolutely free from all conditions. Be free to go in any direction you like. Do not act to do good, nor to pursue evil. Whether you walk or stay, sit or lie down, and whatever you see happen to you, all are the wonderful activity of the Great Enlightened One. It is all joy, free from anxiety-it is called Buddha" 

                    --- FA-Jung, The St Francis of Zen (594 - 657)

Southhampton Dock - Roger Waters


That whole idea leaves me so torn. The main part is that because I want to do good. I like to be good to people and I like for them to be good to me. So what does that mean for how I live my life if I stop doing that? Do I just start aimlessly floating? I do not think so but I feel like I am not grasping something. It feels like I am on the verge of clarity but it is floating just beyond my reach and Zen being what it is if I strive for it I will surely be unable to grasp it. I realize that clarity and understanding must come to me on my own but what that paragraph is asking of me seems impossible. My end desire is to achieve total calm but the cost of total calm is complete detachment from everything I care about then why would I want to do that?

Modern Love - David Bowie