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Thursday, December 19, 2013

Nighttime Thoughts

Sometimes at night, the darkness falls and there doesn't seem to be much that I can do about it.

Solitary Man - Johnny Cash W/ Neil Diamond

It isn't like I want to be depressed or sad and actually today was a good day. I had some coffee and saw some good friends at the coffeehouse and had some good conversation. I was able to purchase some Christmas presents for my family. I have a roof over my head I was able to put food in my over stuffed belly. I have clean clothes and people who love me. Yet that doesn't feel like enough right now.

Dressed in Black - Depeche Mode

In some ways I actually hate that I am self aware enough to be aware of how irrational this is. It would be a lot easier on my end, at least I think it would be, if I just could embrace the darkness instead of constantly existing in this overly self aware realm. It really gets tiring to second guess everything and every emotion that you feel.

The Beast In Me - Johnny Cash

It has been a while since I have felt this way. I think maybe I just worry about other people to much. I do a pretty good job with my meditation and my deep breathing. I have been starting the day with some yoga and Hindu Squats and that has been good. It gets me in a good frame of mind. So I really do not know where this cloud of gloom came from.

Swing Low, Sweet Chariot - Johnny Cash

It is easy to keep myself centered and in the present when I am only concerned with myself. I feel like the flaw in the strange half -assed Buddhism that I am perusing is that while I am fine and often feel very good when I am meditating and concentrating on centering myself and living in the moment. It feels like the instant I began to care to for other people and to empathize with them and respect and understand their humanity that I get yanked right out of my calmness.

Bridge Over Troubled Water - Johnny Cash

I don't want to lose that. My compassion and how I relate to people is I believe on of my greatest strengths. I know I like myself better when I am able to be there and be a calm post in peoples lives. I think people like me better as well. I also know for a fact that I feel better about myself because I at least feel like I am giving something back to the world while I am not working on a regular basis. I suppose it is true that long term unemployment can mess with your head.

Personal Jesus - Johnny Cash

I always feel better when I listen to Johnny and write things down. I guess for me it is an exercise in just being able to process what is going on in my head. Maybe that is what this is. It has been a while I have had a mental check in with myself to see how I am doing and since I do not go to a counselor or therapist this is the next best thing.

Thanks folks. I look forward to playing some more music for you guys tomorrow. 
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