Where Do My Readers Come From?

Thursday, May 09, 2013

Random Thursday

Oh..my neck is sore today. I am feeling very groggy, I think the lack of sleep has finally started to catch up to me. I imagine a crash will be coming soon.

Picky Bugger - Elbow

It has been a pretty rough few weeks since Eric left us. I supper pretty rough doesn't do it justice at all. It feels like things have gone totally off of the rails or I suppose I should say that things are barely on the rails and it is taking most if not all of my focus to stay on the track and even then I am not sure that I can keep things on the track long term. There are fleeting moments of laughter but even that takes place in kind of a grey flatness and I am not sure who to even describe what that means. If you have been there then I suppose you know.

Liar - Queen

It is easy for me to start to feel acutely alone right now. On an intellectual level I totally realize that it makes no sense for me to feel that way and that I do have a lot of friends around me. But on an emotional level the intellectual just gets wiped out. The lack of predictability of the mood swings is almost maddening to me. There are moments during the day that I feel actually pretty good or I will be with someone and they are a good enough distraction that I am able to shut out the clamoring chorus of "Why" and "How Come". But I can't be around people 24/7 and the moments when I am laying in the dark and trying to actually get some sleep is when the voices seem loudest.

A Life For Revenge - Dark Moor

I have some really, really good friends that are doing all that they can to keep me busy and that means a lot to me. I think that in some ways actually in many ways I am scared to fully let myself go and experience the grief of this whole thing. I am scared as to what the end result will be of it. So because I am trying to keep everything totally locked down and only releasing the valve in fits and spurts I feel like I have a little bit of control over this. I fear that if I fully release things I may not be able to close the valve back up and I do not know how deep the reservoir is and I don't know what happens if I empty that.

The Educated Fool - Iron Maiden

 As usual I honestly do not know what any of this means. I am hoping that by writing I am able to achieve a little bit of control over this process and I can let the pressure out in a more controlled less insane manner. I do not need to be clutching randomly at strangers or hanging all over my friends because I am desperately craving the touch of another living being. I know, once again, intellectually that this is not socially proper behavior at all . But it feels at times like there is a emotional beast raging inside of me that just wants me to hug everyone around me to let them know that they exist and I exist and there is realness to the physical contact. I want to make eye contact with them and to hold their hand and let them know that they have value to me. I want to absorb their sadness into myself and give them some freedom from it and the only way that I know how to do that is to be able to put my hands on them and sadly not everybody is comfortable with that.

Hope Once Again - Kansas

So I guess if you want a hug or are okay with some hand holding and potentially uncomfortable intimacy then feel free to look me up.

In case you weren't sure I am obviously the curly haired one with my back to the camera. 
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