REM - Begin the Begin.
I don't have much to say this morning. I didn't sleep very well last night and that bothers me. I actually had a couple of good days of sleep this weekend. But, sadly, it seems like things have returned to normal on this Tuesday morning. I hope my normal switches soon to me actually getting more sleep then I have been getting. Things went pretty well overall yesterday until I flipped the lights off and laid down to go to sleep. The chorus of voices started up again in my head and while I am aware of the pointlessness of them I seem to have a hard time controlling them or banishing them.
REM - Crazy
It isn't that I expect or demand total control of whatever random thought pops into my brain. Because to expect that would be just foolishness as far as I am concerned. I firmly believe like Peter Abelard that it isn't the appearance of a thought that is the sin or problem it is the acting on that thought that is the sin. That being said I tend to let my conscious flow here and there. I like to think of it as my conscious being a stream flowing downstream and the different rocks that pop up here and there are my thoughts and so for a time a thought may surface and see the light of day but as time goes on things shift and change and the thought sinks back below the surface. That isn't always the case but that is how I choose to think of it.
REM - The One I Love
I really did love Eric. I know that may sound odd to some of you. But I don't really care about that. There are very few men in my life that I would think of as brothers, probably less then five and he was one of them. These are men that I care about and that I know care about me and would be there at my side in an instant if I needed them to be. That kind of brotherhood and friendship can be hard to find in the world and I feel lucky to have had that in my life. If, in Eric's case, it only feels like it is for an instant. But that doesn't make it any less real. That is just the reality.
REM - Be Mine
I really wish I had an understanding of what normal is supposed to be right now. I know that prior to his death things felt pretty normal in my life and I felt like I had a pretty good handle on things. This is not the case now. Not at all. But, what I hate even more then that is even as I write these thoughts out I question if I am feeling this in the "CORRECT" way. I wonder how other people are thinking I am doing and if they feel like I am doing it in the "CORRECT" way. Then I get mad at myself for even thinking that. Because even though I know at my core that such thinking is foolish, I am finding it impossible to break away from the self destruction of those thoughts. The unhealthiness of those thoughts.
REM - Cuyahoga
This continues to eat at me. I have lived a life being pretty successful at ignoring what other people think and doing what I want to do regardless of society. So it irks me that this should be an issue for me. Why, in this instance, should I care what other people think about how I mourn? It is my life and how I choose to live it is my business. It isn't that I am even that upset at the people that may or may not be judging how I process this. I am upset at myself for even caring that they might be. I know there is no "CORRECT" way so why am I even worried about it?
REM - Finest Worksong
Maybe I am missing the point and the "CORRECT" way is to do what I am trying to do which is to question and wrestle and process and fight and worry at this or maybe I need to set this aside and just let the thoughts surface and sink and just ride the flow downstream. I do not know the answer and right now I do not like not knowing the answer.
REM - These Days
"The key to wisdom is this - constant and frequent questioning, for by doubting we are led to question and by questioning we arrive at the truth."
I hope I get there one day. I really , really do. I suppose it is good to have hope in something, anything . . .