Where Do My Readers Come From?

Thursday, May 16, 2013

The Spring Appears too Have Sprung

Well it looks like the rains have returned to Oregon. We had a nice run of some much needed and honestly other then the uncomfortable heat of it. I felt like it was needed on a personal level for me. The ability to sit comfortably outside and feel the fresh air and also be able to feel the solitude without actually feeling like a hermit sitting on a mountain top was, for me, a good balance. When the weather gets like this it makes it harder to sit outside and still feel like there are people around. I still sit outside because I love the rain and the feel of the cold air but usually I am alone and it is hard to read a book sitting outdoors in the middle of a rain storm.

Black Magic Castle - Magic Kingdom

What I am dreading on the other hand if this rain continues is the potential for a SAD (Seasonal Affective Disorder) I know lots of people who this can affect pretty heavily and while I am not affected that much by it I can also get rather gloomy when the weather is gloomy and right now is not a time in my life when I want or need to be gloomy. So far this has been an okay week in a month of real shit. If I were to draw you a scale of it; there would be a huge huge drop probably off of the face of what looks like a cliff. That happened when I first received word of Eric's death. I know that people talk about looking for the small good things in these kind of things. But honestly I do not think that anything good has come out of this whatsoever.

Africa - Toto

What has come out of this is me slogging forward very sluggishly. This has been a month of zombie mindedness with a few moments of clarity and then it all gets very muddled again. The stew pot of emotions has so many different ingredients in it that I have a very hard time tasting just one. I am unable to taste the cleansing purity of anger without  feeling the touch of sorrow. If there is one flavor that appears to be always around it is that of sorrow. It is really hard to taste pleasure when the sourness of sorrow is underlying everything. Things that were fun are not fun anymore. There is a wariness to me doing them because of the fear of memories. Because when the memories start up the sorrow comes back with a vengeance and I have grown tired of crying alone in front of my computer.

The One That Got Away - Katy Perry

The song above, got to me last night as I was watching Katy Perry's concert movie (not ashamed). I realized as she was singing it that she was talking about her divorce and then that made me think of Devyn and Eric and then I started to think of my own divorce and then bam I was crying in front of the computer. I do not dislike crying but you began to wonder at what point are the tears going to stop. Do people ever just dry up and have no liquid left? I don't know that I want that. What does it mean when I stop crying everyday? Does that mean that I will have forgotten Eric? Does that mean that I will have forgotten the pain that his wife and family are in? If getting over this means that I forget then I never want to get over it.

Roll Away Your Stone - Mumford and Sons


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