Free Bird...

Today is 8-31-13 and it was April 13th that I heard the news that Eric was gone. April, May, June, July, August it has been 5 months almost 6 now and I really don't know if things are any better.

I know I have said this before at least I think that I have. It isn't that I want to be depressed  and replay this thing over and over. Because I don't and there are moments when everything seems fine and honestly I have tricked myself into feeling fine and then I am driving my van home or as Eric always referred to it on Instagram "The Van" and I start thinking "what and why and how" and "WHY DON'T I JUST DRIVE MY VAN RIGHT OFF THE FUCKING ROAD BECAUSE WOULDN'T THAT BE A WHOLE LOT FUCKING SIMPLER THEM HAVING TO ALWAYS PROCESS THIS SHIT OVER AND OVER AGAIN." 

Now let me be clear before anybody freaks out. I am not going to be driving The Van off of the road. But if I do not acknowledge that these thoughts surface within me from time to time I find that I am far worse off. I can't pretend that I am not feeling these things and that everything is hunky dory and that I am feeling just fine. Because I am not and there really is no point in me lying about it. If my honestly bothers you then so be it and you have a couple of choices, One is to nod and smile and thank me for my authenticity the other is well stated best in this gif

Because while it may make you uncomfortable this is the truth and the reality of someone left behind and  I am positive that I am not the only one feeling this way. So either get your shit together and do everything you can to help that person not feel totally and completely  alone or jog the fuck on. Don't half ass it. There is no halfway with this. It is that important and those left behind need you. If you are unable to deal with the intensity of that then you really are not a friend even if you thought you were. What you thought was friendship all this time was not. It was some comfortable thing with no intimacy and no accountability and no truth. You were an acquaintance and when shit got real you couldn't handle it. Well too bad for you. But no one likes or wants to be left behind. No one wants to be the survivor that has to pick up the pieces of day to day life and trudge on like nothing has happened. Like your entire world wasn't blown totally up. You not being able to handle that is not the fault of the survivor. It is your fault for not being a good person. And fuck you if this upsets you. It should upset you. You are a bad person and should be ashamed of yourself.

I have to believe that healing will come. Otherwise, what is the point. But there are times when it seems so, so hard and I begin to wonder when, when will it come? I suppose that I should seek therapy or counseling, I have been told that I should go to group therapy and I always feel like yes I should. But when it comes down to actually making that call I think, "Ahh I am okay, I can squeeze these feelings off and write about them when they get to strong to handle."  I do not know why I am so resistant to this. I honestly don't. The idea of me being resistant to it makes no sense to me. I do not fear seeing a therapist and I do not fear being psycho-analyzed yet I can't seem to take that next step and I do not know why.

Thanks for listening folks I am going to go make myself a drink.

Sick and Tired of It

Hey folks, I have not written for awhile and that is mainly because I have been basically holed up in my lair for the last week or so because I have had a pretty nasty cough and it has seriously hindered my ability to get to the coffee shop which is where I do the majority of my writings. But I am feeling like I can do a little this evening.

REM - Cuyahoga

I am still looking for needful employment. I have enjoyed living this life of leisure but it has grown both tiresome and boring. I need to move on to the next thing and to put some money in the banks. As much as I love living in this new golden age of Socialism under Obama it still seems that I have to work and I am just not getting my fair share of things from other peoples labors. I honestly thought that things would be better for the enlightened ones like myself and as much as I enjoy my thrice daily White Russians all that vodka is not free.

Well that and what was the point of my nifty new haircut if I can't get a job. I may as well have continued to grow my glorious locks and my lovely sideburns in perpetuity. It was not easy to cultivate those sideburns let me tell you. I have to now shave at least twice if not three times a week to keep my face so baby soft and let me tell you friends that is just exhausting.

REM - Gardening At Night

On an emotional level things are still kind of up and down. I have good days and bad days and I am sleeping better I suppose but even that is sporadic at best. I still miss Eric and I suppose that I always shall which is a good thing. But there are times now when that missing him is tainted by some anger and I do not particularly enjoy feeling that way. I may have addressed this before and if I have I apologize but here it is. I do respect the autonomy of the individual and when it is in the theoretical it is very easy for me to say "sure, people should have the right to determine their own existence." But in the reality of the aftermath. In the midst of the chaos that has been left behind for his family and friends I am not so sure.

REM - Find The River

I tried 5 times to write something on his Facebook page yesterday about how I was missing him and honestly all that came out was anger and I stopped myself from writing anything. Anger will not bring him back. Nothing will and intellectually I know that but it feels like my emotions have now slid into that stage of things. Whatever that stage is on the scale of stages. All I know is that I do not like or enjoy feeling angry about Eric. He never made me angry. I always enjoyed being around him and often he left me smiling or laughing or thinking deeply. He left deep deep roots in my psyche. Good roots from good experiences and good conversations that are wrapped around my soul and I honestly am glad that they are their despite the pain it causes me to think about them. My life is for the better because he was in it. 

REM - Oddfellows Local 151

All that being said. My life is not for the better without him in it. I muddle along trying to figure out what is next. I spend time with friends, I read and write and I listen to music and I meditate and I spend time with friends. But, the friend that I would like to spend time with is unavailable and always will be. Is that a metaphor for something bigger in life? I don't know and frankly I am not sure if I care right now. This is what happens when you write while you are all hopped up on the cold medicines. The synapses are firing on all cylinders baby!! You know you love it. You want a metaphor I have a metaphor for you.  

Who am I kidding I don't have a metaphor for you. No nuggets of wisdom to import. No moments of Zen to make your life worth living. Just the hope that you can keep on doing it day to day and knowing that I am here if you need someone to talk too. Because, I like to talk and for some strange reason people seem to like me. So catch you later folks. It's been real. Let me close with these thoughts from the film 'Pump up the Volume'

“Ok, this is really me now. No more hiding. Listen, we’re all worried, we’re all in pain. That just comes with having eyes and with having ears. But just remember one thing, it can’t get any worse, it can only get better. I mean High School is the bottom. Being a teenager sucks! But that’s the point, surviving it is the whole point! Quitting is not going to make you strong, living will. So just hang on and hang in there. You know, I know all about the hating and the sneering. I’m a member of the “why bother” generation myself. But why did I bother to come out here tonight, and why did you? I mean, It’s time. It’s begins with us, not with politicians, the experts or the teachers but with us. With you and with me. The ones who need it most. I gotta believe, with everything in me, the whole world is longing for healing. Even the trees, the earth itself are crying out for it. You can hear it everywhere. Same kinda healing I desperately needed and I finally feel has begun, with you.”
— Mark Hunter (Hard Harry)

We are all humans so lets keep loving each other okay and hey, give someone a hug tomorrow. Who knows it might just make a difference. 

Tuesday...

I am honestly not sure what to write about today. Lately I have been watching the first season of the HBO show "The Newsroom". The show was created by Aaron Sorkin and I find his work very interesting. It is hard for me to quantify it, because while I often find his public persona to be very smug and really just pretty annoying in general, his writing on his shows often touch a chord with me and often it is a very emotional chord. I really do love things that can have that affect on me. I honestly do not care if that effect is good or bad but there needs to be something, otherwise why bother with it. What is the point of watching a show or listening to music or reading a book if there is not some sort of visceral reaction to it?

Lou Reed - Perfect Day

Isn't that the point? Why spend the time with it if there is not some sort of connection? If I wanted to spend my time on something and not have nay kind of emotional response to what I am spending time with I would have a job. It is plenty easy to shut the emotions off and zombie your way through the work day, but honestly, that seems like no way to live and life is hard enough as far as I am concerned if I am going to go through it in a dull zombie state.

Devo - Gut Feeling

Some would argue that emotions are neither good nor bad that they just exist and that we have no control over them. I would agree with that to a point. But I think a life without emotion is no kind of life for me. Sure if the emotion that I am feeling is me walking around in a rage all of the time that is going to be a problem. But, that isn't the kind of emotion that I am talking about. To be sure there are times when I will watch something or read something and I am left angry or enraged though I do not feel rage all that often. I am more likely to feel sadly angry more then anything else as far as emotions in the anger spectrum go.

Brian Eno - Deep Blue Day

I know that there are people who fear feeling emotions because they feel like they are out of control but I think the quickest way to get back in control is to feel that emotion and to ride it through. It may be hard to do for some but to sit down and write it out can be so beneficial. I know that this blog is that for me, there are times as I am writing that I am taken to a pretty dark places but as I write I am walking through those places and I am emerging from that journey in a better place then I was when I started it. As far as I am concerned, if I had never started the journey I would have just sat in it and wallowed in that dark place. The only way for me to get through it is to face it head on and honestly and authentically experience it.

David Bowie - Fame

The reality is that while whatever event I am feeling emotional about is not going to change, I am going to change as I travel through that experience. It feels callous for me to say, but what's done is done and nothing I can do can change that. But what I can change is my response to that event for good or bad. That is the one thing that I may have some sort of control over. I am not claiming that it will be easy or pleasant because it will not be and odd are that it will not be short. I know that for me it has not been and I have no idea when this whole experience is going to be over. Or honestly if it will ever be.

David Bowie - Ashes to Ashes

And part of that process is for me to sit and stare off into space as I try desperately to put the words together on the page to make some sort of sense out of what I am feeling. Or why I am feeling what I am feeling when the SORROW overtakes me. There often seems to be no rhyme or reason for when it happens. Oh sure, there is always the original reason. But there are times when I am not even thinking about the original reason when it happens. Last week I was driving to a friends house for a birthday event and the tears and near panic started to flow. I settled down by the time I had arrived at my location but near as I could tell there was nothing that had triggered the initial emotional response.

The Velvet Underground - The Velvet Underground

In some ways that is the most frustrating thing for me. I find it frustrating because I have always been so in touch with my emotions and to not know exactly why I am weeping or what caused the weeping is extremely annoying and my response has now shifted somewhat to a near panic attack at times and that is a brand new experience for me. So I can find it almost fascinating as I sit outside my body as some sort of glorious third person Buddha and watch myself experience these things. It isn't a pleasant experience at all. But it is also my reality right now and I am not going to deny it or to deny myself this experience. I just can't.

Folk Metal Monday

There are many, many words used to describe some of the music that I listen to and enjoy and sometimes those words are not very nice.It turns out that people can be pretty mean when it comes to their taste in music. But that is okay with me. It doesn't bother me because I am confident that my taste in music is far, far better then anyone else in the entire world. I AM TRULY THE BEST AND SMARTEST MUSICAL LISTENER EVER IN THE HISTORY OF ALL MUSICAL LISTENERS IN THE HISTORY OF MANKIND EVER. I REIGN SUPREME! 

That being said, today I bring you a band that I have really been enjoying lately. They are from Argentina and they specialize in Folk-Metal and are called Skiltron

I ask you, is it really possible to look any more epic and full of the power of metal then these gentleman? I do not think it is. So put on your headphones and start rocking!!

Gathering The Clans

Coming From The West

Bagpipes of War

Awaiting Your Confession

There you go folks. I hope you enjoyed rocking out with me today.

Allow Me To Respond . . .

I have a calendar reminder set up on my cell phone and often on Sundays it reminds me to write a blog post called "Allow Me To Respond . . ." but often I am just not interested in working up the indignation and anger that I need to write an effective post under that title or at least as effective as I think it needs to be. It isn't that I do not have opinions on things. Because I totally do. But I just would rather not feel angry about stuff. There are issues that I do find important to me and I do care deeply about things. But more and more I feel like it is not going to be beneficial to me to get myself all worked up about an issue or issues that I can do nothing about.

One issue for example is an artist named Ted Nugent. He was a seriously hard , dirtbag rocker whose musical career started in 1958 but he really didn't start to get well known until the mid sixties when he was playing with 'The Amboy Dukes' (A band that I know nothing about),

'Journey to the Center of the Mind" - Amboy Dukes

Nugent always denied that he knew anything about this song being about drug use. I personally find that hard to believe. But that doesn't really matter and I do enjoy the song. I actually find it very listenable and enjoyable. It pretty much totally espouses the hippy ethic of using mind expanding drugs to achieve enlightenment.

I can feel myself getting more and more aggravated as I am reading about him for this. The hypocrisy of his life and the way that he lives it now as some sort of poster boy for conservatives and the pro gun lobby just makes me sick to my stomach. It isn't his positions and thoughts on gun control, he is welcome to think what he wants to think. But it confuses me that a man could go from basically dodging the draft, if you follow the link you can see how muddled the record is on that. But it is perfectly clear that he did all he could do to get out of going to war. Which is very odd given that he seems to be so in favor of gun use and military action now.

There has also always been a certain sleaziness of character around him. My favorite story is of the 17 yr old girl that he got involved with, since she was to young for him to be legally involved with Ted got her parents to get the courts to allow him to become her legal guardian. That just blows my mind. I realized that things were a little different back in the 70's but seriously? I can even imagine in anyway that this would be appropriate at all.

All those things aside I am still able to enjoy his music. But for me the problem has come in with some of his comments about the whole Trayvon Martin case. Now the jury has ruled and I am not going to argue the case. That is really not my problem. My problem is the insensitivity that he is presenting about the death of a young man who did not need to die.

I am just going to stop there. Because if I go on I am no better then he is. The only thing that I can really say is that if I was a member of my neighborhood watch and the 911 and I had this conversation

"Dispatcher: Are you following him? Zimmerman: Yeah Dispatcher: Ok, we don't need you to do that. Zimmerman: Ok " 

I would have stopped following him. That would have been all that I needed to hear. Zimmerman did not do that and because of that Trayvon Martin is dead or it could have gone the other way and Zimmerman could have been killed. The bottom line is that if Zimmerman had just listened to the 911 dispatcher and stayed in the car then none of this mess would have even happened. That is a fact and there is no way around that fact. What happened after he left the vehicle is one thing and I understand that. But for me the problem starts when Zimmerman takes it upon himself to leave his vehicle despite being told that he did not need to do that. Zimmerman killed Martin and had he stayed in his vehicle Martin would still be alive and we would not be having this stupid conversation and Ted Nugent would not be flapping his sleazy, draft dodging yap. 

Fantastic Friday...

Is it really fantastic, Lance, is it? Well you don't have to be like that about it. I mean it is Friday after all. I suppose I could have called it "Freaky Friday" but it isn't that either. Can't you just be happy that I wrote something at all and gave you some fun music to listen to, isn't that enough for you? 

It Takes a Woman's Love - Kansas

This is a nice deeper cut of Kansas and for sure is a song that you are not going to hear very often on the radio. That is if you even listen to the radio at all. I suspect that my regular readers do not listen much to the radio. I try to make a point of listening to it now and then. But I really do not do it very much at all. I like discovering my own music or asking friends what they like to listen too.

Black Death 1349 - The Middle East

This is a band from Queensland, Australia and I really do like them. They just have a sound that I can just kind of sink my teeth into.

Open up and Bleed - Iggy and the Stooges

This is classic Iggy and the Stooges. So good. I really have to be in the right mood for me to fully enjoy this music. But when I am in the mood I just love it. I love that he had such a close friendship with David Bowie and that he has such an odd presence in popular culture.

The Magic Flute (Queen of the Night aria) - Niobeth

Here is a classical Mozart piece but done in metal style. Just sit back and feel your mind get blown at its power and majesty.

I know that most of you were just not mentally equipped enough to handle the power of that musical piece. Maybe the next one will be more to your liking but I doubt it. Because nobody rocks as hard as Big Lance!! NOBODY!!

Lightening Strikes twice - Iron Maiden

Yes, yes, yes. There is nothing better then Iron Maiden at their finest and while this isn't their finest it is still pretty good.

Holiday - Bee Gees

There we go. Lets end things on a nice mellow note with a classic Bee Gees song. These guys were so much more then the soundtrack to Saturday Night Fever. It is unfortunate that the popularity of that film and soundtrack kind of overshadowed the entire musical catalogue of this band.

I hope you enjoyed todays music.

Musical Wanderings

I was really not sure what I wanted to listen and to share with you today. So lets put the musical machine on random and see what pops up shall we...

But before we get to that, it is a grey morning and if I didn't know any better I would think it was Nov, the only difference is that it is to warm for that. I am hoping that it will burn off and while I do not like it super hot I do like it when there are some blue skies and some sunshine out there. So heres to hoping.

Laird Baird - Charlie Parker

Oh this is kind of nice. Opening things up with a little bit of jazz this morning and some jazz from one of the masters. I have grown to like jazz more and more in the last few years. I am not sure if that is a sign of maturity or if my tastes have just gotten better. Either way I am enjoying listening to some of the greats.

Queen Anne's Revenge - Flogging Molly

This is one of my favorite bands and they have been a part of some great memories for me. One of which is seeing them with the Maestro and Eric and I will always remember and hold on to that as one of my favorite musical memories in a long line of amazing musical memories. I miss you Eric.

Hold On To What You Believe - Mumford and Sons

Well things seem to have taken a somber turn, but that is okay with me because today seems kind of like a somber day all things considered. I do enjoy this song and this band a lot and I honestly do not care if they wear vests all of the time or are to hipster for some. I just plain enjoy the sound of their music and if I sound defensive about it then so be. If you don't like it then jog on. pfffffft

Let Me Put My Love Into You - AC/DC

I love it. Nothing puts a bigger smile on my face then when some classic AC/DC pops up. I have lots of them in the player but I rarely pick them to listen to. I am not sure why that is. Because whenever they pop up on random I am thrilled by it. The very first air band I was in was in grade school and we did an AC/DC song. "Back in Black" I believe was the song and we rocked it so hard. I remember cutting out a guitar outline or tracing it from a Sears catalogue so that I could have a cardboard cut out to play for the show.

Insert Supertramp song here that I was unable to find a video for. No big loss and we are just going to move on.

Hard As A Rock - ACDC

Oh my we are doublin down on the AC/DC this morning but sadly this song is no where near as cool as the earlier one. As the band as gotten older the voice of the lead singer has gotten worse and worse and it really was not all that good to begin with. Now the chugging guitar and the drums and the antic of Angus Young are still just fine. But the vocals are pretty rough. It might be time to pull a Judas Priest and bring on a new younger singer. Hmmmm I wonder if Justin Bieber would be interested?

Underground - Men At Work

Nice back to back from the Aussies. I really do like Men At Work and this is a nice treat for me to hear as well. I may need to do some more listening to them today. I also like that this is a deeper cut from the album.

That is it for now folks. You guys have a great day if possible and keep on rockin!

Neil Peart Is Mistaken...

As I sit here listening to Rush, allow me to say again THE ALMIGHTY RUSH. Sure they have their problems and it is easy to poke fun at them. But I grew up liking them, I believe since the 4th grade when a boy in my grade school named Tom, cruised past me in the hallway singing Rush's "Tom Sawyer" and that was it. I was hooked.

I did not see them in concert until I was out of high school. I was working at the Lancaster mall theater with my good friend, one of my best friends actually Travis or as I sometimes call him Maestro and we heard that Rush was coming to Portland for their Presto tour and we decided to go. There was a girl working with us at the theater at the same time and she asked if she could go with us. That seemed fine because she was relatively attractive in a 1990's kind of way, with the big feathered hair and the kind of slutty vibe. Well Maestro and I picked her up at her apartment and we both were shocked as this woman who appeared to have stepped off of the set of the latest Whitesnake video came walking down the stairs in the tightest and shortest black dress I had ever seen and never in real life that is for sure. As she came closer to us we both realized that she was not wearing anything under her dress and we were not dealing with a proper lady at all. I leaned over to him and said "When we get to your brothers house you better tell him that neither of us are dating her." I am not sure why that was important to me but I wanted to be sure that his brother knew that neither of us would be dating such a obviously slutty girl. As you can tell I was raised pretty sheltered and still had not broken away from it. But that was the first time that we saw Rush and it was amazing.

I tell you that story to let you know that I love Rush. I do not dislike the band at all and I still to this day really do enjoy their music. So what I am going to say to you next is not coming from a place of hatred for the band or anything like that. True, I am a bit of a music snob to be sure but that has never stopped me from enjoying them. Not one bit. So that being said, I have been reading a book written by Neil Peart (Rush's drummer) titled "Ghost Rider : Travels On The Healing Road".

Now there are some songs that he wrote early in beginnings of Rush that are very obviously inspired by the writings of Ayn Rand and I will allow for the exuberance and idiocy of youth as far as that goes because Ayn Rand is just silly. We can have that conversation later if you want. But, fair warning, you are going to have to work very hard to change my mind and prove to me that she had anything of value to say. But, back to the matter at hand. He wrote this book about a year or so after going through what is probably one of the most horrible things that a person could go through. In the space of basically less then a year he lost his 19 yr old daughter in a car accident and then his wife from cancer.

So after all of that in his quest to find some healing and some peace he decided to go on a long solo motorcycle ride. The book is the story of that trip and so far I have found it very interesting and a little bit healing for some issues in my own life. But as I read it I also notice some of his political views coming out and at one point he says some things about the great state of Oregon  that I found rather upsetting. I will allow that he is entitled to his own opinion on many things but when he starts to talk about Oregon well I can't stand idly by and not respond especially when he is so far off base.

What begins with him complaining about the 65 MPH speed limit in Oregon soon moves to not being able to pump your own gas and that is when I begun to get annoyed, this is what he said.

"Although modern day Oregon's progressiveness was often admirable, that same liberal-conservative...mindset could also tend toward the presumption that its citizens (and visitors) weren't ready for too much freedom. The unreasonably low speed limits were one example; another was the state wide ban on self service gas stations, presumably because people were not responsible enough to fuel their own vehicles without the risk of spilling fossil fuel and causing fires and environmental degradation. Or maybe it was designed to increase employment at minimum wage level."  (pg 125)

He then goes on to talk about how, being a motorcyclist, he likes to pump his own gas and so he made a point of doing it himself in Oregon in the spirit of civil disobedience followed by the comment "You've got to resist oppression!"  I almost do not know where to begin with addressing this. The first thing that pops to mind is that as far as being a motorcyclist goes they always let those guys pump their own gas regardless of the law or not. You are not some outlaw scoffing at "Big Government" if you fill your own tank. You are being a prudent cyclist who wants to protect the paint job of your gas tank.

My other is that if he or anyone can prove to me that it would be cheaper to pump my own gas then by all means lets do this. But I live in Oregon and have purchased gas in both Washington and California where I pump my own and it is not cheaper. So what is the benefit? I ask you Mr Peart, what is the benefit of pumping my own gas? Since there isn't one. I will gladly stay in the relative comfort of my own vehicle and let the paid employee pump it for me.

I am sorry that things are so rough for you here, Neil. But really nobody asked your thoughts on the subject so just

Scotch - Viking

I am an American born in the United States of America, in the state of Oregon in the county of Marion in the city of Salem. But that litany does not really interest me. I am those things by pure fate or total chance unless of course you are a believer in there being a total plan for ones life and then me being born when and where I was is part of some greater plan. I am a little skeptical about the idea of a greater plan. But that is a topic for another day and it may well be a topic that I have already worried to death and you folks may be tired of hearing about it anyway. What I am interested in talking about today is where my ancestors have come from.

I think what I am is a pretty common mix for most people in the pacific northwest. A lot of us in Oregon anyway seem to have some family members who stopped for a little while in North or South Dakota and some in Minnesota and then moved on to Oregon or Washington. That is the case on my Mothers side of the family. On my Dad's side near as I can tell they can trace their time in Oregon all the way back to the pioneer days. But as far as country of origin goes I think that the muddled up mix I come from is probably pretty common overall with those of typical American ancestry.

On my Father's side the mix is predominantly English and Scottish. I think that it is pretty close to a 50/50 mix but I wouldn't be surprised if there was some other countries thrown in there as well.

On my Mother's side it is Norwegian and Swedish though I have heard some talk that on my Mother's Fathers side things are a little bit muddled and I have heard him referred to as a Black Swede. I am not totally sure what that means to be honest. I do find it kind of fascinating that the town my Mother's Mother my Grandmother grew up in had a cemetery for the Swedes and a separate cemetery for the Norwegians.

All of that together created this messed up mix of a native Oregonian and proud to be one.

That is me, sitting in my favorite Coffeeshop in my usual location listening to music. Now as I look at myself in this picture, I wonder a couple of things 1: Do I look pretty? Never mind you do not need to answer that and 2: Do I look distinctly American or English or Swedish or Norwegian or Scottish? I don't think that I do. I think that I look pretty typically American or rather typically Northern European ancestry. Does it matter if I look like a certain ancestry or not? It doesn't to me but I know that if for sure does to some people. The idea of racism is not dead in this country or the world despite the best efforts of many. But race is pretty much a non issue for me. In fact really the only thing that I find interesting about my origins is that I am made up of basically four different types of people from four different countries that historically did not get along with each other all the well.

I don't know why but I find that fascinating and I like to think that is why I feel so conflicted all of the time. I know that of the four countries I am not nearly as dour as the typical Swede but other then that I am not sure if I have any real tendencies toward one or the other. I know also that had I grown up in one of those countries I could have and most likely would have turned out totally differently then I am today. Not that it really matters in the real world but in the purposes of today's writing I feel like that is important to take note of.

So my readers if any of you feel inclined to comment, I would love to hear where you call home and where you ancestors came from.

Tuesday Morning...

It is Tuesday morning and I managed to get to the coffee shop early enough to get my usual table. I am happy about that. I like the ability to sit near a window and enjoy my bacon scone and my Americano. That is really the most important reason for me to be their. The second reason is that from that position I am able to usually see almost everyone that I know who may come into the coffee shop for their daily dose of one of the few socially acceptable and legal addictive substances in the world.

I wonder what the world would be like if coffee didn't exist or even caffeine in general. I don't think the change would be as dramatic as it would be if say sugar never existed. Because I think that there has always been some sort of intrinsic value to sugar but I am not sure that caffeine has always had a value. I could probably use the google or ask jeeves or some other search engine to find the answer. But honestly I find baseless speculation far more fun. When I do that then I have the chance to really upset someone and isn't that what the internet is for? It certainly seems that way.

I have talked about Twitter before I think, or perhaps I just made a comment on the Facebook about the nature of it. But while I find it fascinating and a useful informational tool I am also amazed on a pretty regular basis by the amount of people who do not seem to realized that the ability to throw up your very first emotional response to any particular issue that happening at any moment to a world wide audience is not a good thing. Not at all. I hope that someone after the first 10 year of Twitter compiles all of the "Tweets" that have cost people their jobs or caused a huge public relations mess one way or other. It won't be me, I am far to lazy for that. But maybe I inspired one of you with my latest "million dollar idea". If I did please cut me in on some of the proceeds.

Helloween - Nabataea

Oh ya!! The coffee is flowing through my veins and now the Helloween is pounding through the ear buds. You have got to love it. I know that I do.

While I like my new haircut...their are times when I miss the Lebowskiness of my long hair. 

TEARS

                                                 

                                                                “Don't be ashamed to weep; 'tis right to grieve. Tears are only water, and flowers, trees, and fruit cannot grow without water. But there must be sunlight also. A wounded heart will heal in time, and when it does, the memory and love of our lost ones is sealed inside to comfort us.” 
― Brian Jacques, Taggerung

It has been three months since the event and sleep continues to elude me, oh sure there are some nights where the illusion of sleep has been there and their are mornings when my brain forces me to lay back down and get a quick nap in. But that is not true sleep. There has not been true sleep. There has not been deep untroubled sleep. There has been the tossing and the turning of the troubled and the distressed. There has been the tears and the questions and the desire for peace that even mediation will not bring because nothing can be fixed. There has been the hope and faith...two things that you have never been good at that things will get better and that you and the other people that you care about will survive this things and be able to continue to live this life that tastes of ash in your mouth.

There have been moments of distraction and escape that are ever so fleeting and while you try to hold on to them you know that they are going to slip away and you began to wonder if that is going to be the nature of life now. The up and up and up of the distraction followed by the plummet downward into the dark abyss of despair. The abrupt shock of a television show or movie making a joke that three months ago you would have found humorous and now you find horrifying and wonder of you are ever going to truly find anything amusing again. You are becoming a good actor and getting increasingly better at saying the right things and making the jokes and putting that smile on so that you don't bring them down with your concerns and worries.

You lose yourself in music and the hug of others. That seems to work surprisingly well. But like anything else it only lasts for a certain amount of time. You are supposed to be looking for work and to be a productive member of society but you are finding that increasingly harder to do and the reality of the pointlessness of life is becoming harder and harder to ignore.

“It's easy to cry when you realize that everyone you love will reject you or die.” 
― Chuck Palahniuk

This seems to be truly what I would like and sadly I seem unable to get enough of either. 

Something Unheard Before....

I listen to lots of music and I read about lots of music but I by know means have listened to all of the music that ever was and will ever be. But, despite my awareness of that I still tend to get a little cynical at times about the state of modern music or even older music. It doesn't seem to matter to me as far as when it was created I can get pretty cynical about the commercialism of music in general. So it is nice for me when I am surprised by finally actually listening to an older band that I have heard of before but have never actually listened too and for me, today that band is Captain Beefheart I am not sure why I have never bothered to listen before. But I did today thanks to my good musical professor Steve and let me tell you, I am really enjoying it. It is just so pleasant to listen to. Why don't you go ahead and refill that coffee cup and take a moment and give them a listen. I will wait.

Sugar Bowl - Captain Beefheart

The album I am listening to is called "Unconditionally Guaranteed" and came out in 1974 and it is hard for me to pin down but I am really just enjoying both the musicality of the instruments as well as the, in some cases, wackiness of the lyrics.

Happy Love Song - Captain Beefheart

This song really makes me think of the some of the Billy Joel stuff from the late '80s. I am almost positive that he was inspired by this song.

I Got Love On My Mind - Captain Beefheart

There is just something simple about this song that makes it work for me. He has love on his mind and he can't make up his mind who to love. I like the phrasing of that.

Peaches - Captain Beefheart

I just like the big band sound of this one and the use of cowbell because there can never be enough cowbell. I really do like this band even if I think that their name is some sort of fart joke. I am not sure but when you say it out loud it sounds suspiciously like it may be just that.

Stopping and Starting

I think that I have started and stopped about three or four different posts in the last few days. I am not sure what is going on but I am just not feeling the motivation to write anything right now. There is not a desire to get worked up about something and use that to somehow motivate myself to lay something down on the page. Which would be okay if I had the motivation to fill that time not spent writing with something else. But I do not even have the motivation to do that.

Well I stopped writing last night and I am trying it again on Thursday evening. I am down at the Coffeeshop and hoping that maybe writing in the evening instead of in the morning will help inspire me a little bit more. I just really do not know what is going on with me.They do a Farmers Market here on Thursday nights from 4 to 8 pm and there are a fair amount of people around. There is a couple different local farms one that is selling lamb and the other that is selling pork. There is a flower vendor and there is a man selling both sweet and savory crepes as well as hot pies. I had a chicken curry pie that was actually very tasty and the week before I had purchased some lamb sausages and grilled those and they turned out very well. It isn't a big event but I think people are going to continue to attend it and I hope that it generates some more momentum in the coming weeks.

There is a different crowd in here in the evenings then in the mornings. A little bit older at least right now and perhaps a little bit more churchy but it is hard to say. It is however like most crowds in Salem and in the Pacific NW pretty much all Caucasian. I know that there are places in Salem that are not all that way but it seems like that is the case here. As I look around the room I can count the different nationalities on one hand. This is not a value statement it is just the reality as I look around. There is a study flow of automobile traffic passing by outside and since it is now 5 to 6 the rush hour in Salem has stopped.


It looks like they are setting up for some live music and to be honest, that doesn't excite me at all. I don't dislike loud music or live music for that matter. But I like it a little bit quieter when I am in the shop. I like to be able to read or converse at normal volume and listen to my own music. But, I am sure that there are plenty of people who really enjoy the guitar stylings of "Jimmy Jam and the Jamaican bros". I just made that band name up but I think that any band with that name would be pretty awesome. I imagine there would be a mix of SKA and Calypso. There would have to be steel drums and perhaps two sets of steel drums for double the awesome.

I am actually pretty excited about that. Thanks for letting me free associate folks. This felt pretty good.   

Writing...

The book in the picture above was given to me by Eric. He gave me three books that are very important to me and impacted my life at the time and continue to impact my life. These books were Stephen King's On Writing, and Donald Miller's Blue Like Jazz, and Searching For God Know's What.

Sodom, South Georgia - Iron and Wine

Now there are a lot of people who know that I like to write and their are a lot of people who know that I spend an inordinate amount of time wrapped up in my head space being conflicted about my person and who I need to be in this life. But only one person has ever given me a gift that covered all of those things. Only one person seemed to fully get what I had going on within. That was Eric. He in the space of a year gave me three gifts that completely turned around my thinking on writing and God and Church and in doing so my life also changed.

Calamity Song - The Decemberists

I was excited when I found my well worn copy of On Writing I can't fully emphasize the importance of this book to me. But once that initial excitement faded, the sadness snuck back in. It is just a really shitty feeling to know that there is literally nothing I can do now. He is gone and I can do nothing to bring him back and that when I want to have a conversation with him about any number of subjects it is impossible for me to do so.

FUCK, FUCK,FUCK,FUCK. IT IS ALL SO MUCH BULLSHIT ......

and there is not enough distractions to keep me from freaking out on a weekly basis.

Sunset and Soon Forgotten - Iron and Wine

Why is that not an option? Instead I feel everything over and over and over. Sick of it . . . 

SKA - 4- EVA!!

I am sure that I have written about this before. But I love SKA and I really do love all the cycles of SKA from 1st wave to 3rd wave. There is not type of music that can bring a smile to my face and a tapping to my toes. There is just something about it. I also feel like it is the perfect summertime music. It is a great experience to take nice long drive and just have the SKA blasting as you go.

Return of the Ugly - Bad Manners

This is basically a late 1st wave early second wave SKA band but they also were considered a skinhead band but not a racist skinhead band.

Ska All Over The World - Jimmy Cliff

This is just really, really good 1st wave SKA and Jimmy Cliff in general is so good. Such a great song.

Melancholy Sally - Loafers

Another solid 2nd wave SKA band. They appeared after the Two-Tone Movement of the late 80's. The bouncy beat is great as well as the horn lines in this song.

To Much Too Young - The Specials

One of the greatest of the Two-Tone revival bands and this song is about safe sex basically. It is a solid song.

The 3rd wave of SKA had a far more punk aspect to it and while there is some controversy because some old school SKA fans just do not care for the 3rd wave stuff, I think some great bands came out of the era and I still enjoy listening to them today.

The Final Countdown - Frank Furillo

This is a SKA cover of the Europe classic "The Final Countdown" I really enjoy it. But I realize that it may not be for everyone.

Somebody Hates Me - Reel Big Fish

This is a 3rd wave band that lots of people really, really did hate. I liked their first couple of albums but after that they kind of went downhill in my opinion. But when I saw them in concert they were very cool to me and we hung out for a bit after the show.

Sunday Morning - No Doubt

This band, when it broke, had a much more pop then SKA sound but the SKA elements were still their. The cool thing about this album Tragic Kingdom is that the majority if not all of the songs were written by Gwen Stefani after she had broken up with the band's bassist Tony Kanal. I can't imagine being in his shoes and touring the world night after night playing songs about how much you suck.

That is it for today. I hope you enjoyed the look back at the world of SKA.

Torrid Tuesday....

I am not sure what that even means but it is hot today. Actually now that I think about it, I am not even sure if the word Torrid applies. Lets check out the dictionary definition shall we. Well according to the Merriam-Webster dictionary the definition is "Parched with heat especially of the sun" and is an adjective. So I guess that it works. What is funny to me is that when I think of the word Torrid I think of a romance novel of some sort. You know the type the shirtless and well muscled hero holding the female protagonist who has fainted or is feeling the vapors or some such thing. Also her bodice is probably ripped open so that her heaving bosom can be seen.

Just like that one. But I wonder, just like the lady is, what happened to that mans pants. He must be cold and I would think that the hay would be scratchy on his exposed legs. But maybe he is just manly enough to handle it.

Drop Dead Legs - Van Halen

That seemed an appropriate song given the picture. I hope you all agree. I am a little concerned with myself right now because I seem to have stumbled upon a treasure trove of romance novel covers that some witty person has added their own captions too. I may be in a bit of trouble here but I do not thing I am going to be able to resist sharing some of them with you.

I am not sure that this is really the correct book title but I applaud it.

Master of the Wind - Manowar

A book cover like that deserves to have some masterful metal behind it. In fact as I think about it, perhaps more books should come with a themed soundtrack.

I am pretty sure that there is some symbolism at work here but I just can't put my finger on it. I am not sure that I could even grab it with both hands because I am sure that it is probably some pretty large symbolism, probably large and hard...to figure out.

Rising Power - AC/DC

Something is rising on that album cover all right and I think it would probably make me kind of uncomfortable.

Well I think I am going to have to stop there. I hope you all got a little laugh out of todays post. I know I amused myself and honestly that is all that I really care about.