Neil Peart Is Mistaken...

As I sit here listening to Rush, allow me to say again THE ALMIGHTY RUSH. Sure they have their problems and it is easy to poke fun at them. But I grew up liking them, I believe since the 4th grade when a boy in my grade school named Tom, cruised past me in the hallway singing Rush's "Tom Sawyer" and that was it. I was hooked.

I did not see them in concert until I was out of high school. I was working at the Lancaster mall theater with my good friend, one of my best friends actually Travis or as I sometimes call him Maestro and we heard that Rush was coming to Portland for their Presto tour and we decided to go. There was a girl working with us at the theater at the same time and she asked if she could go with us. That seemed fine because she was relatively attractive in a 1990's kind of way, with the big feathered hair and the kind of slutty vibe. Well Maestro and I picked her up at her apartment and we both were shocked as this woman who appeared to have stepped off of the set of the latest Whitesnake video came walking down the stairs in the tightest and shortest black dress I had ever seen and never in real life that is for sure. As she came closer to us we both realized that she was not wearing anything under her dress and we were not dealing with a proper lady at all. I leaned over to him and said "When we get to your brothers house you better tell him that neither of us are dating her." I am not sure why that was important to me but I wanted to be sure that his brother knew that neither of us would be dating such a obviously slutty girl. As you can tell I was raised pretty sheltered and still had not broken away from it. But that was the first time that we saw Rush and it was amazing.

I tell you that story to let you know that I love Rush. I do not dislike the band at all and I still to this day really do enjoy their music. So what I am going to say to you next is not coming from a place of hatred for the band or anything like that. True, I am a bit of a music snob to be sure but that has never stopped me from enjoying them. Not one bit. So that being said, I have been reading a book written by Neil Peart (Rush's drummer) titled "Ghost Rider : Travels On The Healing Road".

Now there are some songs that he wrote early in beginnings of Rush that are very obviously inspired by the writings of Ayn Rand and I will allow for the exuberance and idiocy of youth as far as that goes because Ayn Rand is just silly. We can have that conversation later if you want. But, fair warning, you are going to have to work very hard to change my mind and prove to me that she had anything of value to say. But, back to the matter at hand. He wrote this book about a year or so after going through what is probably one of the most horrible things that a person could go through. In the space of basically less then a year he lost his 19 yr old daughter in a car accident and then his wife from cancer.

So after all of that in his quest to find some healing and some peace he decided to go on a long solo motorcycle ride. The book is the story of that trip and so far I have found it very interesting and a little bit healing for some issues in my own life. But as I read it I also notice some of his political views coming out and at one point he says some things about the great state of Oregon  that I found rather upsetting. I will allow that he is entitled to his own opinion on many things but when he starts to talk about Oregon well I can't stand idly by and not respond especially when he is so far off base.

What begins with him complaining about the 65 MPH speed limit in Oregon soon moves to not being able to pump your own gas and that is when I begun to get annoyed, this is what he said.

"Although modern day Oregon's progressiveness was often admirable, that same liberal-conservative...mindset could also tend toward the presumption that its citizens (and visitors) weren't ready for too much freedom. The unreasonably low speed limits were one example; another was the state wide ban on self service gas stations, presumably because people were not responsible enough to fuel their own vehicles without the risk of spilling fossil fuel and causing fires and environmental degradation. Or maybe it was designed to increase employment at minimum wage level."  (pg 125)

He then goes on to talk about how, being a motorcyclist, he likes to pump his own gas and so he made a point of doing it himself in Oregon in the spirit of civil disobedience followed by the comment "You've got to resist oppression!"  I almost do not know where to begin with addressing this. The first thing that pops to mind is that as far as being a motorcyclist goes they always let those guys pump their own gas regardless of the law or not. You are not some outlaw scoffing at "Big Government" if you fill your own tank. You are being a prudent cyclist who wants to protect the paint job of your gas tank.

My other is that if he or anyone can prove to me that it would be cheaper to pump my own gas then by all means lets do this. But I live in Oregon and have purchased gas in both Washington and California where I pump my own and it is not cheaper. So what is the benefit? I ask you Mr Peart, what is the benefit of pumping my own gas? Since there isn't one. I will gladly stay in the relative comfort of my own vehicle and let the paid employee pump it for me.

I am sorry that things are so rough for you here, Neil. But really nobody asked your thoughts on the subject so just

Scotch - Viking

I am an American born in the United States of America, in the state of Oregon in the county of Marion in the city of Salem. But that litany does not really interest me. I am those things by pure fate or total chance unless of course you are a believer in there being a total plan for ones life and then me being born when and where I was is part of some greater plan. I am a little skeptical about the idea of a greater plan. But that is a topic for another day and it may well be a topic that I have already worried to death and you folks may be tired of hearing about it anyway. What I am interested in talking about today is where my ancestors have come from.

I think what I am is a pretty common mix for most people in the pacific northwest. A lot of us in Oregon anyway seem to have some family members who stopped for a little while in North or South Dakota and some in Minnesota and then moved on to Oregon or Washington. That is the case on my Mothers side of the family. On my Dad's side near as I can tell they can trace their time in Oregon all the way back to the pioneer days. But as far as country of origin goes I think that the muddled up mix I come from is probably pretty common overall with those of typical American ancestry.

On my Father's side the mix is predominantly English and Scottish. I think that it is pretty close to a 50/50 mix but I wouldn't be surprised if there was some other countries thrown in there as well.

On my Mother's side it is Norwegian and Swedish though I have heard some talk that on my Mother's Fathers side things are a little bit muddled and I have heard him referred to as a Black Swede. I am not totally sure what that means to be honest. I do find it kind of fascinating that the town my Mother's Mother my Grandmother grew up in had a cemetery for the Swedes and a separate cemetery for the Norwegians.

All of that together created this messed up mix of a native Oregonian and proud to be one.

That is me, sitting in my favorite Coffeeshop in my usual location listening to music. Now as I look at myself in this picture, I wonder a couple of things 1: Do I look pretty? Never mind you do not need to answer that and 2: Do I look distinctly American or English or Swedish or Norwegian or Scottish? I don't think that I do. I think that I look pretty typically American or rather typically Northern European ancestry. Does it matter if I look like a certain ancestry or not? It doesn't to me but I know that if for sure does to some people. The idea of racism is not dead in this country or the world despite the best efforts of many. But race is pretty much a non issue for me. In fact really the only thing that I find interesting about my origins is that I am made up of basically four different types of people from four different countries that historically did not get along with each other all the well.

I don't know why but I find that fascinating and I like to think that is why I feel so conflicted all of the time. I know that of the four countries I am not nearly as dour as the typical Swede but other then that I am not sure if I have any real tendencies toward one or the other. I know also that had I grown up in one of those countries I could have and most likely would have turned out totally differently then I am today. Not that it really matters in the real world but in the purposes of today's writing I feel like that is important to take note of.

So my readers if any of you feel inclined to comment, I would love to hear where you call home and where you ancestors came from.

Tuesday Morning...

It is Tuesday morning and I managed to get to the coffee shop early enough to get my usual table. I am happy about that. I like the ability to sit near a window and enjoy my bacon scone and my Americano. That is really the most important reason for me to be their. The second reason is that from that position I am able to usually see almost everyone that I know who may come into the coffee shop for their daily dose of one of the few socially acceptable and legal addictive substances in the world.

I wonder what the world would be like if coffee didn't exist or even caffeine in general. I don't think the change would be as dramatic as it would be if say sugar never existed. Because I think that there has always been some sort of intrinsic value to sugar but I am not sure that caffeine has always had a value. I could probably use the google or ask jeeves or some other search engine to find the answer. But honestly I find baseless speculation far more fun. When I do that then I have the chance to really upset someone and isn't that what the internet is for? It certainly seems that way.

I have talked about Twitter before I think, or perhaps I just made a comment on the Facebook about the nature of it. But while I find it fascinating and a useful informational tool I am also amazed on a pretty regular basis by the amount of people who do not seem to realized that the ability to throw up your very first emotional response to any particular issue that happening at any moment to a world wide audience is not a good thing. Not at all. I hope that someone after the first 10 year of Twitter compiles all of the "Tweets" that have cost people their jobs or caused a huge public relations mess one way or other. It won't be me, I am far to lazy for that. But maybe I inspired one of you with my latest "million dollar idea". If I did please cut me in on some of the proceeds.

Helloween - Nabataea

Oh ya!! The coffee is flowing through my veins and now the Helloween is pounding through the ear buds. You have got to love it. I know that I do.

While I like my new haircut...their are times when I miss the Lebowskiness of my long hair. 

TEARS

                                                 

                                                                “Don't be ashamed to weep; 'tis right to grieve. Tears are only water, and flowers, trees, and fruit cannot grow without water. But there must be sunlight also. A wounded heart will heal in time, and when it does, the memory and love of our lost ones is sealed inside to comfort us.” 
― Brian Jacques, Taggerung

It has been three months since the event and sleep continues to elude me, oh sure there are some nights where the illusion of sleep has been there and their are mornings when my brain forces me to lay back down and get a quick nap in. But that is not true sleep. There has not been true sleep. There has not been deep untroubled sleep. There has been the tossing and the turning of the troubled and the distressed. There has been the tears and the questions and the desire for peace that even mediation will not bring because nothing can be fixed. There has been the hope and faith...two things that you have never been good at that things will get better and that you and the other people that you care about will survive this things and be able to continue to live this life that tastes of ash in your mouth.

There have been moments of distraction and escape that are ever so fleeting and while you try to hold on to them you know that they are going to slip away and you began to wonder if that is going to be the nature of life now. The up and up and up of the distraction followed by the plummet downward into the dark abyss of despair. The abrupt shock of a television show or movie making a joke that three months ago you would have found humorous and now you find horrifying and wonder of you are ever going to truly find anything amusing again. You are becoming a good actor and getting increasingly better at saying the right things and making the jokes and putting that smile on so that you don't bring them down with your concerns and worries.

You lose yourself in music and the hug of others. That seems to work surprisingly well. But like anything else it only lasts for a certain amount of time. You are supposed to be looking for work and to be a productive member of society but you are finding that increasingly harder to do and the reality of the pointlessness of life is becoming harder and harder to ignore.

“It's easy to cry when you realize that everyone you love will reject you or die.” 
― Chuck Palahniuk

This seems to be truly what I would like and sadly I seem unable to get enough of either. 

Something Unheard Before....

I listen to lots of music and I read about lots of music but I by know means have listened to all of the music that ever was and will ever be. But, despite my awareness of that I still tend to get a little cynical at times about the state of modern music or even older music. It doesn't seem to matter to me as far as when it was created I can get pretty cynical about the commercialism of music in general. So it is nice for me when I am surprised by finally actually listening to an older band that I have heard of before but have never actually listened too and for me, today that band is Captain Beefheart I am not sure why I have never bothered to listen before. But I did today thanks to my good musical professor Steve and let me tell you, I am really enjoying it. It is just so pleasant to listen to. Why don't you go ahead and refill that coffee cup and take a moment and give them a listen. I will wait.

Sugar Bowl - Captain Beefheart

The album I am listening to is called "Unconditionally Guaranteed" and came out in 1974 and it is hard for me to pin down but I am really just enjoying both the musicality of the instruments as well as the, in some cases, wackiness of the lyrics.

Happy Love Song - Captain Beefheart

This song really makes me think of the some of the Billy Joel stuff from the late '80s. I am almost positive that he was inspired by this song.

I Got Love On My Mind - Captain Beefheart

There is just something simple about this song that makes it work for me. He has love on his mind and he can't make up his mind who to love. I like the phrasing of that.

Peaches - Captain Beefheart

I just like the big band sound of this one and the use of cowbell because there can never be enough cowbell. I really do like this band even if I think that their name is some sort of fart joke. I am not sure but when you say it out loud it sounds suspiciously like it may be just that.

Stopping and Starting

I think that I have started and stopped about three or four different posts in the last few days. I am not sure what is going on but I am just not feeling the motivation to write anything right now. There is not a desire to get worked up about something and use that to somehow motivate myself to lay something down on the page. Which would be okay if I had the motivation to fill that time not spent writing with something else. But I do not even have the motivation to do that.

Well I stopped writing last night and I am trying it again on Thursday evening. I am down at the Coffeeshop and hoping that maybe writing in the evening instead of in the morning will help inspire me a little bit more. I just really do not know what is going on with me.They do a Farmers Market here on Thursday nights from 4 to 8 pm and there are a fair amount of people around. There is a couple different local farms one that is selling lamb and the other that is selling pork. There is a flower vendor and there is a man selling both sweet and savory crepes as well as hot pies. I had a chicken curry pie that was actually very tasty and the week before I had purchased some lamb sausages and grilled those and they turned out very well. It isn't a big event but I think people are going to continue to attend it and I hope that it generates some more momentum in the coming weeks.

There is a different crowd in here in the evenings then in the mornings. A little bit older at least right now and perhaps a little bit more churchy but it is hard to say. It is however like most crowds in Salem and in the Pacific NW pretty much all Caucasian. I know that there are places in Salem that are not all that way but it seems like that is the case here. As I look around the room I can count the different nationalities on one hand. This is not a value statement it is just the reality as I look around. There is a study flow of automobile traffic passing by outside and since it is now 5 to 6 the rush hour in Salem has stopped.


It looks like they are setting up for some live music and to be honest, that doesn't excite me at all. I don't dislike loud music or live music for that matter. But I like it a little bit quieter when I am in the shop. I like to be able to read or converse at normal volume and listen to my own music. But, I am sure that there are plenty of people who really enjoy the guitar stylings of "Jimmy Jam and the Jamaican bros". I just made that band name up but I think that any band with that name would be pretty awesome. I imagine there would be a mix of SKA and Calypso. There would have to be steel drums and perhaps two sets of steel drums for double the awesome.

I am actually pretty excited about that. Thanks for letting me free associate folks. This felt pretty good.   

Writing...

The book in the picture above was given to me by Eric. He gave me three books that are very important to me and impacted my life at the time and continue to impact my life. These books were Stephen King's On Writing, and Donald Miller's Blue Like Jazz, and Searching For God Know's What.

Sodom, South Georgia - Iron and Wine

Now there are a lot of people who know that I like to write and their are a lot of people who know that I spend an inordinate amount of time wrapped up in my head space being conflicted about my person and who I need to be in this life. But only one person has ever given me a gift that covered all of those things. Only one person seemed to fully get what I had going on within. That was Eric. He in the space of a year gave me three gifts that completely turned around my thinking on writing and God and Church and in doing so my life also changed.

Calamity Song - The Decemberists

I was excited when I found my well worn copy of On Writing I can't fully emphasize the importance of this book to me. But once that initial excitement faded, the sadness snuck back in. It is just a really shitty feeling to know that there is literally nothing I can do now. He is gone and I can do nothing to bring him back and that when I want to have a conversation with him about any number of subjects it is impossible for me to do so.

FUCK, FUCK,FUCK,FUCK. IT IS ALL SO MUCH BULLSHIT ......

and there is not enough distractions to keep me from freaking out on a weekly basis.

Sunset and Soon Forgotten - Iron and Wine

Why is that not an option? Instead I feel everything over and over and over. Sick of it . . . 

SKA - 4- EVA!!

I am sure that I have written about this before. But I love SKA and I really do love all the cycles of SKA from 1st wave to 3rd wave. There is not type of music that can bring a smile to my face and a tapping to my toes. There is just something about it. I also feel like it is the perfect summertime music. It is a great experience to take nice long drive and just have the SKA blasting as you go.

Return of the Ugly - Bad Manners

This is basically a late 1st wave early second wave SKA band but they also were considered a skinhead band but not a racist skinhead band.

Ska All Over The World - Jimmy Cliff

This is just really, really good 1st wave SKA and Jimmy Cliff in general is so good. Such a great song.

Melancholy Sally - Loafers

Another solid 2nd wave SKA band. They appeared after the Two-Tone Movement of the late 80's. The bouncy beat is great as well as the horn lines in this song.

To Much Too Young - The Specials

One of the greatest of the Two-Tone revival bands and this song is about safe sex basically. It is a solid song.

The 3rd wave of SKA had a far more punk aspect to it and while there is some controversy because some old school SKA fans just do not care for the 3rd wave stuff, I think some great bands came out of the era and I still enjoy listening to them today.

The Final Countdown - Frank Furillo

This is a SKA cover of the Europe classic "The Final Countdown" I really enjoy it. But I realize that it may not be for everyone.

Somebody Hates Me - Reel Big Fish

This is a 3rd wave band that lots of people really, really did hate. I liked their first couple of albums but after that they kind of went downhill in my opinion. But when I saw them in concert they were very cool to me and we hung out for a bit after the show.

Sunday Morning - No Doubt

This band, when it broke, had a much more pop then SKA sound but the SKA elements were still their. The cool thing about this album Tragic Kingdom is that the majority if not all of the songs were written by Gwen Stefani after she had broken up with the band's bassist Tony Kanal. I can't imagine being in his shoes and touring the world night after night playing songs about how much you suck.

That is it for today. I hope you enjoyed the look back at the world of SKA.

Torrid Tuesday....

I am not sure what that even means but it is hot today. Actually now that I think about it, I am not even sure if the word Torrid applies. Lets check out the dictionary definition shall we. Well according to the Merriam-Webster dictionary the definition is "Parched with heat especially of the sun" and is an adjective. So I guess that it works. What is funny to me is that when I think of the word Torrid I think of a romance novel of some sort. You know the type the shirtless and well muscled hero holding the female protagonist who has fainted or is feeling the vapors or some such thing. Also her bodice is probably ripped open so that her heaving bosom can be seen.

Just like that one. But I wonder, just like the lady is, what happened to that mans pants. He must be cold and I would think that the hay would be scratchy on his exposed legs. But maybe he is just manly enough to handle it.

Drop Dead Legs - Van Halen

That seemed an appropriate song given the picture. I hope you all agree. I am a little concerned with myself right now because I seem to have stumbled upon a treasure trove of romance novel covers that some witty person has added their own captions too. I may be in a bit of trouble here but I do not thing I am going to be able to resist sharing some of them with you.

I am not sure that this is really the correct book title but I applaud it.

Master of the Wind - Manowar

A book cover like that deserves to have some masterful metal behind it. In fact as I think about it, perhaps more books should come with a themed soundtrack.

I am pretty sure that there is some symbolism at work here but I just can't put my finger on it. I am not sure that I could even grab it with both hands because I am sure that it is probably some pretty large symbolism, probably large and hard...to figure out.

Rising Power - AC/DC

Something is rising on that album cover all right and I think it would probably make me kind of uncomfortable.

Well I think I am going to have to stop there. I hope you all got a little laugh out of todays post. I know I amused myself and honestly that is all that I really care about. 

Happy Canada Day!

Today is Canada day and a good friend from the north mentioned that I should put up some Canadian songs today to honor my many friends from Canada. I thought well that sounds like a fine idea. So here we go.

I know that for most music fans the obvious choice for this would be Rush and they will be included but I honestly think that for me I have to go with Neil Young as my first choice. I like that his music seems to evoke the Canadian prairies. I honestly am not sure why I feel that way but I do.

Everybody Knows This Is Nowhere - Neil Young W/ Crazy Horse

There is just something about his music that evokes the idea of Canada for me. Another Canadian artist that really enjoy and I had not really thought about him being Canadian is Leonard Cohen.

Going Home - Leonard Cohen

This is a supremely sad song. But it is also lovely and I feel like it speaks to a couple of things that I will choose to keep to myself. But if you know me you most likely know what I am talking about.  So for me the meaning is a deep one and a good one even though listening to it does pain me.

The mightiest of all Canadian bands is of course Rush and for me the song that speaks of Canada is "Lakeside Park".

Lakeside Park - Rush

I know nothing about the location of this park or what it means to the guys in the band but the song is obviously evoking a memory of the time and the place and that makes me enjoy listening to it.

I would be remiss if I didn't include a couple of lovely Canadian ladies on this list as well so here we go.

Building A Mystery - Sarah McLachlan

I haven't listened to her in a long time and I had forgotten both the era of music that she was part of as well as my enjoyment of her singing. I always liked her voice and the overall tone of her music.

Sweet Surrender - Sarah McLachlan

I had to add another one and while some may find it overwrought I enjoy it. So deal with it.

My Humps - Alanis Morissette

I had to add this beautiful cover of a horrible song by the Black Eyed Peas. Her version is both poignant and sad. But it is such a good version.

Now I am sure I left many fine Canadian artists off of this list. But these are the ones that came to mind for me. I hope you enjoyed it. 

Put on that Smiling Face....

I try to be honest with people. I really do. I think most people would say that I am an honest person and will answer questions truthfully but I still find myself falling back into a reflexive "I'm good" when people ask "How are you doing?" But more often then not I am not doing "good" or "well" depending upon your level of grammar Nazi.

I don't intend to lie. But it is so much easier to just say the reflexive answer rather then have to have a big long conversation about why I am not feeling well. To do so just seems so exhausting.

Both Sides Now - Judy Collins

I was watching a documentary about the "Grateful Dead" today and the man who had written Ripple (Robert Hunter) said this while talking about when he wrote that song and several other very transcendent songs.

"Would those days but come again. Oh they will, they will. But not for me" 

That really resonated with me on several levels. On a personal level, what is done is done and what is past is past and while there may always be a twinge of nostalgia for those things I have be honest and realize that they will never come back again and I can't relive them even if I wanted to. I guess it is all on a personal level but the quote made me think about Eric and that he is gone. Those days will not come again and my life goes on whether I like it or not. The world continues to spin and people continue to function and move forward even I do not feel like I can move forward. Because it often does seem a little bit pointless and I feel like I have to fabricate a reason to take those steps forward and to continue to function in some way.

Ripple - Grateful Dead

Also my back hurts today and that seems to have upped my crankiness and made everything seem oh so overly dramatic. Ugh

Feelings....

kind of suck and yet I know that if I did not have the feelings that I do and live like I do with my heart on the outside of my body I would not like who I am. I like who I am for the most part. I like that I am compassionate and that I care about others and that for the most part people like me. But there are times when the emotions are overwhelming the careful controls and locks that I have put in place and those are the times where I think it sure would be nice to have a break now and then from being Mr. Emotional.

Lonely Days - The Bee Gees

But I also know at my core that I would not be happy if I did not have access to my emotions. I think that my level of empathy is high because of my emotions and that allows me to connect with people on a deeper level then I would be able to otherwise and I am glad for that connectedness with my friends. I crave and treasure the deeper more intimate relationships that I have with those people that I can be emotionally transparent with and I think that it is a two way street. At least I hope it is.

White Moon - The White Stripes

If it isn't I suppose I owe some people some apologies for their putting up with me over the years. But I really don't think that is something that I have to worry about.

Defy You - The Offspring

I miss you Eric. You were a good friend to me and were very much like another brother to me. The void that you have left is far deeper and far harder to fill then I thought it would be. I get moments of forgetfulness and things seem okay but the memories always come back. They come back when a friend asks me about "Fight Club" or when I go to eat breakfast at Josey's  restaurant in Salem that was a favorite of Eric and myself.

We used to communicate a lot over Instagram and one of the last things that he said to me when I posted I was at Josey's and said that I wished he was with me. He said "Totally! Love that place!"  I went their for breakfast this week and while the food was good it just wasn't the same at all.

Boxing - Ben Folds

I wonder if I ever will get used to things not being the same at all? Will that be my new normal? Is that even a functional thing? To walk around pretending to be normal but knowing that inside nothing is normal and never will be? How do I, how do most of us function with that? Late night thoughts of the mournful insomniac. Thank you for bearing with me.

Both Sides Now - Judy Collins

The Madness of Mad Men

It is hard for me to put into words how much some television shows affect me. I have always been prone to emotional reactions to television and movies and music and rainbows and the wind blowing and rain and dogs and cats and really doing anything. But that is not what we are going to be talking about right now. We are going to be talking about how the television show Mad Men rips me open and leaves me broken and bleeding on the floor. It has at time left me giddy with laughter and left me speechless in astonishment or sick with dread and it has left me weeping. The season finale of last night did just that. The image of Don with his children looking at the derelict whorehouse that he grew up in left me a complete mess.

Both Sides Now - Judy Collins

Right now even listening to this song again is making me cry. This whole season and the last season of Mad Men has been heart and gut wrenching for me. I am sure that part of it is that I am seeing it through the lens of my own divorce as well as me being the same age as Don and that is affecting me as well. It seems silly I suppose and may even seem more silly if you are not a viewer of the show and are not identifying so heavily with the main character.

This is me...that is all I can really say without spoiling things. You can say what you want about this show. But I like it and the feelings that it causes me to feel is one of the reasons  why I think it is amazing. 

Bonus Ben Folds....

I just posted about the amount of Reggae and Metal that I have been listening to and as soon as I did that and then spent some more time listening to Manowar I also realized that it truly doesn't matter what I have been listening to. I will always go back to Ben Folds or The Ben Folds Five and I will always go back to him because for so many reasons I just love his music. So much.

Annie Waits - Ben Fold live with WASO

There are some musicians that will do a show with an orchestra and it is absolutely horrible, Metallica comes to mind for one example but what Ben did with the West Australian Symphony Orchestra was simply amazing and so nice to listen to. I am not a trained musician but there are things that I can like and enjoy and this is one that I enjoy so much.

Stumblin' Home Winter Blues - Ben Folds Five

This is another one that I just love. It sticks with me.

Rockin' the Suburbs - Ben Folds

I like this one because it makes fun of so many things and yet still manages to rock your socks off. That and also I think Limp Bizkit and Fred Durst were totally horrible and I think that Ben agrees with me.

Fred Jones, Part 2 - Ben Folds with WASO

This one is so poignant and almost heart breaking in its simple beauty. I love the piano in it. It has brought me to tears a time or two and I am not ashamed that at all.

Evaporated - Ben Folds with WASO

So beautiful.

Still Fighting It (Extended Version) - Ben Folds

This song is one that touches me, even though I do not have a child nor do I want one. But I can totally understand what he is singing about and what my friends who have children are dealing with to some degree.

The Luckiest - Ben Fold with WASO

This is the sappiest and cloying of love songs. But there something about it that totally touches me. I think it is a great song and I do not care what anyone else thinks about that.

Mess - Ben Folds Live in London

This is just a great song and one that I truly enjoy listening to again and again.

That is all for today folks. Please have an excellent Friday and an amazing weekend. Blessings, may they be upon you.

Musical Adventures

So this has been an interesting week for me musically. I have been kind of all over the place and I am not sure if that was because of all the amazing jam band music that Steve gifted me with, or if a movie or television show triggered it or what. My musical choices this week have ranged from the all time masters of Reggae, Jimmy Cliff and Bob Marley to some of the masters of epic metal, Helloween and Manowar. So I guess you guys are going to get a little treat courtesy of me. I hope you feel lucky. Because you totally should.

"The Harder They Come" - Jimmy Cliff

The movie that comes from was made in 1972 and it has the same name. I highly recommend it if you like reggae music and things about Jamica and crime films. If you like Michael Bay or M. Night Shillyshally films then this is not the film for you.

Eagle Fly Free - Helloween

It is hard for me to actually put into words how much I enjoy the hard rocking of this metal band. They are German and they rock so hard. So hard. So just sit back and let the music surround you and fill you with its power and majesty. Feel the drums lift you and drive you onward. There are times where good epic metal is the best thing in the world to listen to and you are doing yourself a disservice if you do not give it a fair listen. It is far more then just music for disaffected long haired stoners.

Perfect Gentleman - Helloween

I had to add another. I just had to.

It is hard to pick just one Bob Marley song, even the ones that were not hits are still amazing and some of the hits are just really, really so good.

African Herbsman - Bob Marley

This song pretty much says it all for me.

The Gods Made Heavy Metal - Manowar

This song explains how the Gods created Heavy Metal and if you losers don't like you can just get over it. Because the God's made Heavy Metal and it's never gonna die.

Thor (The Powerhead) - Manowar

Thor always brings the power and so does Manowar. So you best strap in because you are about to get you socks blown off amongst other things.

Sleepy Thursday....

ugh...I do not know for sure what is going on with me but I do not like it at all. I went to bed and basically asleep around 11:30 or so last night and then I woke up at 2:30 or 2:45. I was right in the middle of REM sleep and I have no idea what it was that woke me up. All I know is that I was wide awake and laying their in bed wondering what it was that woken me up. I made a point to stay in bed and to try to fall back to sleep and I believe that I did so at some point after 3:30 or 4. I know this because I woke up at 7 when my alarm actually went off.

A Saucerful of Secrets - Pink Floyd

I would love to have a full uninterrupted 6 to 8 hours of sleep. I do not think that is too much for me to ask by any means. I guess I could stop fighting it and stop trying to go to bed when the "normal" people do and just stay awake until I am tired. But I don't think that doing that is the right choice either. I really do not know what the right choice is at all. It really isn't that big of a deal currently since I am not working and have a pretty wide open schedule but when I get a job the lack of sleep is going to be a problem. I know it is.

One Word - Mahavishnu Orchestra

I am increasingly beginning to wonder if I need to hop in the van and head out into the wilderness for a couple of days. I just don't know. I like the idea of unplugging and sleeping in the van for awhile. But that is just it. I like the "Idea" of it. I am not so sure that I would like the "actual" of it. I suppose I shouldn't overthink it. I should just do it. It wouldn't be hard to do. I could just throw some blankets in the van and off I could go. The only thing that I would really need is coffee and I could bring a jug of cold brew if I didn't want to bother with actually making a fire or something like that.

Part 1 - Acknowledgement - John Coltrane

I wonder if perhaps that sort of thing would work as kind of a reboot for me. 

Am I Authentic or Am I Performing....

I had some interesting thoughts this weekend. I am going to try to share them with you as they came to me and along with that I may well do some processing or try to do some processing to find out what they mean to me.

Everybody Know This Is Nowhere - Neil Young

I was asked (by a good friend) "All well on your end?" I gave it some thought for actually a couple of days for a couple of reasons. One being that she is a good enough friend that I knew it wasn't a throwaway question and so it deserved an honest answer and the second being that I honestly did not know for sure what an honest answer was. Is all well on my end? Even as I think about that right now I am not sure.

Round and Round - Neil Young

This is what my answer was.

"I don't know if things are well or not. I am functioning but I am honestly not even sure at what level. I think I am still confused as to how I am feeling about Eric and dealing with that. Also just my feelings for his family and my ex-wife along it. Things are just very muddled right now."

There was some joking about lacing the muddledness(sp) with scotch,because we both like to drink some scotch now and then and as I thought a little more about it. This thought popped into my head.

"I hate being so self aware that I can't even let myself get so drunk that I do something real stupid. I hate being sick the next day so I always stop myself before I can get to the point where I might have a real drunken emotional breakthrough.

 That is the funny thing about pot for me. I am never out of control and I feel fine the next day. It just works for me on a relaxation level but not on a level where I can shut off the voice in my head that questions the authenticity of my every action.

 I think that is part of my struggle with honesty because even as I strive to be honest and real there is always that voice inside my head that is asking "but were you really honest, are you really being real? Or are you on a stage because you know that is what they want to see from you?"
I hate that voice."

Down by the River - Neil Young

That is a totally unvarnished thought. It is unfiltered and not changed at all from when I first thought it. So I suppose that is a good thing that I was able to express it without first running round and round through my brain to make sure what I really was thinking and meaning by it.

 It has been a little over a month since Eric died and intellectually I know that each person mourns in their own way and that the time and the process is different for each of us. But that honestly does me no good because my emotional reaction or feels as the cool kids call them are overriding my intellect.

The Losing End - Neil Young

But maybe that is okay. Maybe for me, my honest reaction is to question the authenticity of my feelings and in doing this I am honestly dealing with whatever it is that I am dealing with. Or perhaps I just made a nice logical circle that is eating it's own tail. Which may be one of the reasons that I very nearly failed logic in college. I love philosophy but logic was never my friend.

Running Dry - Neil Young

I pride myself on not caring what people think and normally that isn't a problem for me at all. I may have addressed this before as well. But I do not understand why this is concerning me. Most of the time I am left to my own devices and people can't even see the maelstrom of why's and how about's that is whirling around in my head and the only time it really comes to the surface is when I decide to answer a perfectly pleasant question honestly.

Out On The Weekend - Neil Young

As I sit here thinking about what I put in bold up there. I realize I am torn by a couple of things. I am upset and saddened by Eric's death at what I thought of as far to young of an age. That brings me sorrow and upsets me. But also and in some ways at a more deeper and fundamental level I am bothered and upset and saddened at the effect that this has had on so many people. I do wake up everyday thinking about this missing spot in my life but my pain, I feel , is nothing compared to that of Devyn and Nicole and his parents and others. At this point, it really feels like that is what is hurting me more or making me more upset. I want to do more. I want to fix an unfixable situation and that is killing me.  And yet even as I reach this moment of clarity I hear that voice in my head saying "Do you?" "Do you really feel that way or do you think that is what people want you to feel, so you are going to tell them that is what you are feeling?" I do not know how to answer that voice or if I even need to.

A Man Needs A Maid - Neil Young

I do honestly feel a little bit at sea...what focus and direction that I used to have in my life has been blown out of the water. I get up each day and turn in a few job applications with little or no response or luck. I write a little bit and then I take a nap because I have really only slept two or three hours that night or perhaps I have slept six hours in two separate three hour groups. All that I know is that I have not have a full night of sleep in  over a month and I know that is beginning to wear on me.

Old Man - Neil Young

Am I becoming the Old Man? I didn't used to be. But that may be a topic for another blog post. We shall see.