Sometimes it is just not possible to sleep. I feel like I should be laying down. But I know it is going to be pointless. I know that I will just toss and turn and so instead I sit here in front of my computer listening to Bon Iver and Iron & Wine and feel sad.
I am sure that Grandma's death and the divorce and one other thing are the main reasons why. But the aftermath of those events have spiraled off into other things in my life that are making me sad as well. I have never been one to make big plans for the future. I never really saw the point in that. I have always felt like things would basically work out one way or the other. But now I am just not sure. I do not see anyway that things are going to work out.
I would love it if I saw some sort of inspiration but I just don't. I am heavily in debt and I do not see a job on the horizon or if I find a job I do not see it being a job that is going to actually allow me to pay off my debt.
I am not writing this as some sort of call for help. I process things verbally and I feel like I need to get some stuff out. Not that it is going to make any difference in the big picture of things but at least I will momentarily feel better because I was able to release some of this. I rarely post on the weekends anyway so I do not know who will read this anyway.
I guess I am feeling extra sad and emotional tonight.
The thing that is most upsetting to me is that I should not be so upset about this. It shouldn't matter and any of my friends would tell me I am being silly. I have been telling myself that I am being silly. But it doesn't seem to matter. I had a good solid month where I was not feeling alone and now I am back to feeling alone. It is hard for me to be as honest as I want to be in this forum because I feel like I need to be purposely vague about things.
But I also feel like if I just write this down but no one reads it then it isn't really going to be helping me anyway. With this process while I do not know who is going to read it. I at least know there is a chance of it being read by somebody. I am not sure why that matters to me but it does.
1 comment:
Sorry to hear you are not feeling well. In my experience, trying to ignore the feelings (or telling myself it's silly) just gives them more power over me, whereas acknowledging them and accepting them is actually kind of freeing, helps me to realize they're just emotions, that they don't define me or my universe.
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